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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

337 replies

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:24

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

OP posts:

Doyoumind · 08/05/2018 14:29

Were you the OW or were they just against your DH being with anyone? I think your DH is a big part of the problem - not because of helping them out or answering the phone to them, but because he's let his DC who are now adults ignore you and your DC. He needs to stand up for you more and encourage his DDs to have a relationship with their sibling.

SirVixofVixHall · 08/05/2018 14:32

Surely this is normal for children and parents ? I would call my Mum and Dad for advice etc when I was at uni. Your Dad is still your Dad even when you are legally an adult.

IRefuseToAgree · 08/05/2018 14:33

I think at not unusual for adult kids to contact their parents all the time. My adult kids all know that I'm the fountain of knowledge and are always texting me for advice. They can google and ask their friends but genuinely think I know the most! 😇. I'm pretty sure I'd be the first thought if someone needed any ant 🐜 advice

It's up to your DH if he wants to answer his texts or phone 🤷🏻‍♀️

It's a shame they don't seem to have feelings for you. Did they ever? Just because they aren't interested in you doesn't mean that they don't like you. It could just mean they are indifferent. Young adults can still be quite self centered.

Shen0102 · 08/05/2018 14:42

Intrusive that kids are texting their father either for advice or chit chat? They're still their dad and possibly don't want the relationship with their dad to die off.

YABU

Shen0102 · 08/05/2018 14:43

He's still their dad **

I said this on another thread earlier "Parenting doesn't stop when your kids turn 18"

Original poster

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:44

Not the OW no. They were divorced for 6 years and both had previous boyfriends / girlfriends.

I thought there was an inkling of a relationship there when I first met DH. I took them out, helped them out. Their mother started to be quite bitchy about me when we got married, (she was due to marry too but it fell through) and she didn’t want the girls to come to the wedding. I thought it might be divided loyalties but I really couldn’t say.

OP posts:

Onemansoapopera · 08/05/2018 14:46

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:49

I guess it’s the quantity and insistent nature of the texts, the time of them (e.g. 1am) combined with a complete ignoring of me.

So it feels like I can’t just have a nice dinner with DH, or even be in bed without a demand!

I do get that kids, even adult ones, will be in contact. But put it this way, if every time DH was out for dinner with DSDs and I called asking for advice - I think they’d be pretty annoyed? I respect their time with their Dad. Just want a bit of space too?

OP posts:

mummmy2017 · 08/05/2018 14:50

He is their dad.... don't be cross see it as how he will be towards your child when the time comes....
Oh ants....mix icing sugar and bicarb...half and half...sprinkle in area of ants....they eat it carn't fart so dying ...and don't come back.

babydreamer1 · 08/05/2018 14:54

You say you support the relationship, but I don't really get that from your post, it appears as though you think they should only contact him when it suits you/your family. If they are aware you don't like them freely contacting their dad then I can kind of see why they don't want a lot to do with you. Put yourself in his shoes and think how easy you would find it to ignore your DC when they are a young adult and still contacting you for every little thing, it's what many grown up children do! Their relationship with their Dad is just as important as yours and your DC and it will mature in time as they build their own families. It's his decision how much and when he talks to his children and I think it's lovely that despite not living with him they are still a priority in his life. They don't have to like or interact with you, but I agree it's a shame they don't have anything to do with their sibling.

Original poster

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:55

Thanks for the ant advice!

So just getting this right.

Any parent here wouldn’t mind a call from their 23 year old at 1am about ants?! They wouldn’t say, look we can talk in the morning? I think I’d be annoyed if my own DS did that.

OP posts:

Original poster

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:59

Actually I find it very annoying that I’m left for days and evenings very regularly coping with DS on my own, just because the DSDs refuse to spend time with all of us. That is not my choice at all and I find it very lonely. I would much rather we spent time together too, and that I was a recognised part of the family, along with DS who wonders why Daddy and big sisters never want to spend time with him.

I do not feel that I curtail that time at all, actually feel like a bit of a mug half the time.

OP posts:

midsummabreak · 08/05/2018 15:01

I imagine that every time they text Dh it is a reminder of the fact that they ignore and never text you? It does sound difficult and I would feel sad in this circumstance, too. However, Oneman. , Shen0102 Irefuse and SirVixor and others are right that your stepdaughters can text their Dad whenever they like, and it is a sign of a healthy, supportive relationship.

DoYouMind hits the nail on the head that really the texting is not the issue, but rather the absence of a relationship betwenn your child and their step sisters, and yoyrself and Dh adult children. It would be hard to take always feeling invisible. It does sound as if their Mum has influenced them to disregard forming a relationship. Now that they are adults, you can gently challenge that by leaving the door open and inviting them over for weekly lunch/ dinner with their step sibling.

TERFragetteCity · 08/05/2018 15:01

No you are not being unreasonable. Step mums get a hard time on here and are supposed to be automatons with no opinion. Of course ants in their mum's house isn't your husband's problem at 1am or any other time of day. Sheesh.

Flowerpotbicycle · 08/05/2018 15:02

I disagree with previous posters. They are adults, they surely must know ringing anyone at 1am isn’t ok unless it’s an absolute emergency. Ants aren’t an emergency and I’m pretty shocked a 23 year old woman wouldn’t think to just pick up some ant powder the next day

Calling at dinner time can’t be helped, dinner is not a set time it’s just coincidence. However your husband should be able to answer and say “I’m having dinner, can I call you back later?” Is he incapable of doing this?

Parenting doesn’t stop at 18 but it is normal for 20/23 yr olds to be a bit more independent than this. It’s possible they are deliberately being intrusive because they’re seeing their dad’s family as competition for his love and attention. Before anyone kicks off about this I know it can happen because I did it myself when my mum started dating, although I was a teenager not a grown woman like your DH’s daughters.

I speak to my mum everyday at least once or twice so i don’t think that’s abnormal though

Original poster

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 15:16

Thanks for the above advice which does make a lot of sense.

I don’t mind texts or calls but it does feel that it is about every little thing, including stuff that’s about their Mums house (how do I work the dishwasher). And if DH doesn’t reply it increases. If he says give me 15 mins they get in a huff. His EW often does this too, contact a few times a week, maybe I’m feeling a bit like any time with me is never just ‘with me’.

I guess it’s true if there was some recognition of me it would feel easier.

For a while I used to get calls from them too if they couldn’t get hold of DH, and it was a very cross call. It used to make me panic a bit as he was often driving and they would call his phone then redial. I don’t know... it’s hard!

OP posts:

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 08/05/2018 15:27

@EndOfSummer - speaking for myself, I would not be happy if one of my dses texted/called us at 1am because of ants!!

It sounds as if your dh may be unwilling to set some reasonable boundaries with his dds, and maybe this is because he is afraid that they will stop having contact with him, if he says No to them.

midsummabreak · 08/05/2018 15:33

Does sound a pain. Maybe suggest a fun activity with your child and Dh adult children once a fortnight or month, like bowling or something ?

OreoMini · 08/05/2018 16:09

Op I wouldn’t be happy either if one of my kids or my DSD called at 1am about bloody ants at the age of 23! There not kids anymore and should be able to sort that out themselves.

Also regarding the fact he goes out a lot and leaves you to look after your joint DS would be a problem for me. Is there a reason he can’t take your DS with him to spend time with his sisters and dad all together ? Not every time but when he’s going out for the day why can’t he go?

Dancingmonkey87 · 08/05/2018 16:11

Which is it them calling at one or texting? If they are texting it doesn’t really affect you as he can reply when he’s freee to do so obviously if it’s a phone call that’s different.

Shen0102 · 08/05/2018 17:47

The dad is obviously loving being involved in his older kids life otheriwse he'd have told them to not text or call after 1am or whatever time you go to bed.

Your husband could put his phone on airplane mode or silence when it's bed time.

sneakysneak · 08/05/2018 18:00

The problem, from my perspective, is that they have chosen to completely cut out you and your child, but that there are no consequences in their relationship with their father. It doesn't feel like they or your H are behaving very respectfully towards you and it doesn't seem like he has made any challenge or consequences to their choice. If I understood correctly, they were at their Mum's house when they made the 1am ants call? That's ridiculous. Calls from the exw - also very OTT. I think you are struggling with your H's disloyalty and I would find it very difficult in your shoes too. If they don't acknowledge or respect you, they shouldn't expect their dad to drop everything.

sneakysneak · 08/05/2018 18:00

But he is at fault, for allowing this to happen.

swingofthings · 08/05/2018 18:01

The problem is your OH and it sounds like deep inside, he loves all that contact because it makes him feel good that they still need him that much, it makes him feel indispensable.

Nothing much you can do about it but leave him to it. If he enjoys speaking to his daughter at 1am to discuss something there is nothing he can do about, his problem, just make it clear you don't want to be disturbed by it.

Original poster

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 20:03

@oreo the DSDs say they are uncomfortable with either DS or me so DH doesn’t want to upset them by taking us.

I guess it’s like any relationship. I can’t make DH change or my DSDs. But there’s give and take? For me late nights are a bit much! The 23 year old texted 1am and then called.

OP posts:

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