My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

To the posters saying op and her son could do better- I think she definitely could, but for her son it’s not that simple. It’s true his dad is not prioritising him, but would any other man in the future who wasn’t his parent? I think not.

It’s true his dad is not prioritising him, but would any other man in the future who wasn’t his parent? I think not.

Some step dads are brilliant actually...and they wouldn't treat him like a second class citizen.

The fact that he sees his DDs everyday, but would want much less access with DS says it all.

That comment would have pushed me further away tbh and I'd emotionally check out of the marriage, while I was working on the next stage of my life.

The more you write, the clearer it becomes where he places you.

He should have stayed single to be at the beck and call of his DDs. Seeing them every day when he already works late, seems like he just wants to escape from the house.

I do wonder if they don't have a social life to be able to see their dad every day.

I dont think you really need to look so far ahead as for him having a step parent op hasnt split up with him yet Aroundtheworldandback, But in my opinion and experience Yes they could, SPENDING TIME with a kid as a step parent being INVOLVED in their every day life, Its not all about how they feel with blood ties, Its how he is treated. Going on holiday with him taking him to football practice or what ever his interests are, simply being there.
His Dad isnt involved in his life and isnt interested, its not right and op shouldnt go along with it for the sake of blood ties.

If the dad here is such a shitty dad to his son, its highly likely he was also a shitty dad to his daughters, which makes it even worse that you all are blaming them for his behaviour as a parent.

Doesnt sound like the case here MeggeldyHiggins, Op was with him when they were kids she doesnt say he was a shit Dad and its unlikely he was considering how they are the only thing of importance in his life now.
His daughters arent children they are adults now they are old enough to know its wrong to treat a child badly just as their father does.
My sympathy rests with this little boy, As it should.

I have enough sympathy for the adult children as well as the young one.
People don't change much, if he;s a poor dad now then he was then. They aren't interested in his second family and aren't obliged to be, and OP should be focusing on her relationship problems and not on 2 women who have nothing at all to do with her problems.

He’s always been a very, very involved Dad with his daughters. It was one of the things I really liked about him. He sorted out everything, all schooling, most medical care, holidays he too then to Disneyland, overseas every year, paid for tutors, they came to his house to do homework most evenings as he helped out, he was supposed to be EOW but they came around a lot more than that and he was happy to have them. He wasn’t great at cooking, which I did as I like it, (or their Mum) but everything else.

That’s why I was shocked he’d suggested a much more rigid contact schedule with DS. I think in his mind he’s past doing this, and yet he treats adult DSDs as if they need as much if not more parenting than DS. His daily contact is often favours, take aways or lifts. Strangely though he always seems to think he hardly sees them at all. I don’t know it’s like he’s fixated that he’s never doing enough for DSDs but doesn’t factor in DS.

Sorry I still call my dad for things and he helps me out without his new partner complaining and im nearly 33. Thing is shes got adult children too and does the same and understands its normal.

I also do things for my dad, like go let his dog out when hes out. Go get him if his car breaks down. Run them to the airport. Give them lifts on nights out.

I dont think you can complain really except the ant situation which was ridiculous.

His daughters arent children they are adults now they are old enough to know its wrong to treat a child badly just as their father does

its not their child, they don't need to have anything to do with him. Its the dads child, his failing, his faults, his problem,

women blaming women for the problems they have with men: makes me sick. It's not his kids fault hes a shit dad in his second family. Blame him, not them.

its not their child, they don't need to have anything to do with him.

Because a child isn't yours, doesn't mean it's okay to treat them badly.

Exclusion and ignoring are forms of bullying behaviour and they should know better than that.

OP ... You say he's a good dad... but truly a good dad would have raised their kids better than this.

My DC know it's wrong to treat other people...let alone family like this.

The parents aren't doing the DDs any favours.

Not having anything to do with a kid is not treating them badly. its not doing anything at all.
Its not bullying to not associate with someone elses kid.

WTF are you even talking about?

Okay I apologise, I hadnt read all your posts just the first couple when I posted.

Wow, I feel so sorry for your ds at the way he is being treated second best to his adult sisters. His dads missing out on his childhood and isnt giving him the same treatment they had because hes too busy pandering to two adult, spoilt women. Whilst your little son is sitting confused why he doesnt get to his adult sisters.

Your dh not going on your sons first holiday and leaving you to go alone so he can spend time with two grown adult kids is absolutely shameful.

You and your ds will clearly always play second fiddle to them and their relationships. I couldnt deal with that at all you need to decide if you can. I feel so sorry you are having to deal with all that.

Miggeldy "his failings, his fault, his problem" What the fuck are you talking about? Their dad didnt have an affair with the op, their child wasnt a failing or a problem. What a bloody nasty vindictive comment. He is their bloody half brother and an innocent little boy. They are grown women. However what you have shown is how heartless with completely self centred opinions some people can have.

MiggeldyHiggins

The reason their dad pulled them up is because they/one of them was ignoring their brother.

Ignoring and excluding in that manner is bullying behaviour.

I've dealt with disciplinary investigations where employees think it's okay to ignore and exclude a colleague and it's deemed as bullying.

You can bully someone without saying a word to them.

The sad thing is this thread has shown there are people with the same mindset as the SDs who think ignoring a child...their half sibling is acceptable.

People with such views go on to raise children with such views and the cycle of idiotic behaviour continues.

Having said all that...OP...your H is the biggest problem in all this.

It was him who wasn't enjoying your time in Paris because he missed them. Missing your family is fine, but he doesnt seem to miss you or DS when he's not with you.

" The sad thing is this thread has shown there are people with the same mindset as the SDs who think ignoring a child...their half sibling is acceptable.

People with such views go on to raise children with such views and the cycle of idiotic behaviour continues. "
Totally agree.

What the fuck are you talking about? Their dad didnt have an affair with the op, their child wasnt a failing or a problem. What a bloody nasty vindictive comment. He is their bloody half brother and an innocent little boy. They are grown women. However what you have shown is how heartless with completely self centred opinions some people can have

WTF are YOU talking about? OP's real issue is that her husband is a crap husband and a hit father to her son. But instead of blaming him its all about his daughters and how awful they are, and you are joining in on it. They owe OP nothing, they owe her son nothing.
She has a problem with her husband and his parenting and his relationship with her. Blaming his daughters for his failing is misogynistic bullshit.

Ignoring and excluding in that manner is bullying behaviour

It really really isn't. Its nothing like a job.

Nobody owes another person their time or attention just because they happen to be related to them. You need to understand this

"But instead of blaming him its all about his daughters and how awful they are, "

No one has just blamed his daughters, Everyone has blamed the dh, infact he has got most of the blame as he should.

op, I just couldn’t stay in this relationship with this enormous difference between how he’s parented his dds and your dc. There must be a good chance you could find a better stepdad for your ds than his actual dad is. As a last option perhaps you could try joint counselling but otherwise I couldn’t be with this guy no matter his good points. You have your ds to think of especially as you are the only one who does prioritise him. I’d love you to come back with a positive update but not sure I see any chance of that.

Nobody owes another person their time or attention just because they happen to be related to them. You need to understand this

On another thread a SM is called "emotionally abusive" towards her 14 year old SS as she admits to being polite but not really engaging.

Two adult women ignoring and exuding a little boy, their half brother to a point the child has a meltdown when asked to draw a family tree is bullying. Shame on his father for allowing it to happen and arguably joining in as he would rather spend time with them than DS.

I blame both my DSDs and my DH. They are both treating me and DS very badly.

DS knows he is being excluded by DSDs and I think when he is older will also wonder why his DH allowed that to happen. I don’t think DSDs get off with any kind of ‘we are step daughters and have a can treat other people as appallingly as we like get out of jail free card’. They are emotional msnipulators and bullies. They punished DH for daring to stick up for DS by subsequently refusing to ever again come around the house.

If DS ever behaved like that I would be really cross with him.

I do matter too. I am a human being. It is abusive and nasty to exclude and ignore me as your Dads wife. Just because I am a SM does not mean I just shut up and take that crap.

As I’ve said before, I do support their relationship with their Dad. It’s not that they call about small things really. Its the demand for DH to drop everything at once always, the level of demands, and the excluding. It’s just the last straw.

Found loads of links on bullying. Every single one lists exclusion as being a particularly damaging form of bullying, whether in workplace, school or family.

ihraustralia.com/is-exclusion-the-worst-form-of-bullying/

There is evidence it causes physical pain.
Emerging evidence in neuroscience has suggested that the physical feeling of pain (from, say, stubbing your toe) and the social/emotional feeling of pain (from ostracism) overlap in terms of how your brain processes it.

And psychological effects
Even more than these negative emotions, though, feeling left out can mess with some fundamental psychological needs. For one, people feel a reduced sense of general belongingness after experiencing rejection. This is a big deal because psychologists argue that achieving a sense of social belonging is a fundamental psychological need.

It would be bad enough if ostracism just reduced feelings of belonging, but being rejected can reduce self-esteem, a sense of control, and a sense of having a meaningful existence.

What’s more, these negative reactions seem to apply regardless of who’s rejecting you. Whether it’s someone in your own group or someone who you don’t relate to, ostracism stings.

socialpsychonline.com/2015/11/psychology-ostracism-feeling-excluded/

In the workplace some argue it could be the worst form of bullying
We’ve been taught that ignoring someone is socially preferable – if you don’t have something nice to say, don’t say anything at all,” study co-author Professor Sandra Robinson explained in a Sauder press release. “But ostracism actually leads people to feel more helpless, like they’re not worthy of any attention at all.”

Despite the dominant opinion being that exclusion would be less harmful, further examination of the available evidence revealed that employees who have experienced being ignored at work are significantly more likely to report feeling less like they belong and can commit to work. They also report a stronger intention to quit their jobs and suffer from health issues.

I’ll send them to DH. It’s invisible aggression!

@sandy it’s true he has always been ‘soft’ with his kids, never calling them out, which was why him sticking up for DS was quite assertive for him. His family even say he lets them get away with anything they want.

Found loads of links on bullying. Every single one lists exclusion as being a particularly damaging form of bullying, whether in workplace, school or family

Yes, OF PEOPLE YOU ACTUALLY KNOW AND INTERACT WITH.