My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

But for their dad’s sake at least they could occasionally be around his wife and their own brother.

If it bothered the dad he would have said something and not allowed this situation from the beginning.

It's certainly unusual that they refuse any interaction at all with you and their half brother, for no reason whatsoever.

Also their father is biologically family, yet they refuse to be pleasant to his wife.
I just don’t understand why people behave like this towards someone they love? I wouldn’t put my parents in a position where they have feel they have to choose between me as their adult child and my child sibling.

What do YOU not understand about the lack of maturity and meanness being displayed here?

We’ll have to agree to disagree. The DD’s sound awful and unkind to me and I would be devastated if my children behaved this way towards their stepmother. Even if there’s some huge hidden backstory as to why they dislike OP I can still not get my head around them not bothering with their sibling.

If it bothered the dad he would have said something and not allowed this situation from the beginning

Maybe it does but he’s too afraid to stand up for his wife in case the DD’s stop contact with him too? I agree this dynamic shouldn’t have been allowed to develop in the first, but as we’ve seen so often on this board dad’s can be terrified of upsetting their kids and losing them

@IronMansIronButt - yes lots of posters have said both the Dh and the Sd's behaviour is ok.

No, they have not.

Eh legally she IS family as she is their Dad's WIFE. Therefore she is his next of kin. They may not feel she is their family & that's their prerogative but it does not negate the fact LEGALLY this man's family are his wife & three kids

More people who do not understand what family means. He may see his family as his wife and his three children. However two of those children are not of his now family, which is him and his wife and child, but of his previous family, which does not include their stepmother and half brother.

Tell you what go over to relationships and tell everyone that anyone related to you in any way, including by marriage, is their family and they are obligated to be nice to them and spend time with them. See what response you get

It's not about being nice iron it's about basic respect. I would be horrified if my kids behaved this way towards their step mum and sibling. I would never in a million years treat either of my step parents or siblings like this.

Also the relationships board is filled with a vast array of people going through all sorts of situations. It's not one homogenous group with the final authority on deciding what constitutes family. You would get a range of opinions just like you do on here.

IronMan you’re confused. Legally they are now related and their brother is related through blood. That is a fact.
They may choose not to recognise them as family but they are in the eyes of the law.

@Walkaboutwendy I totally agree with you

@IronMansIronButt - with all due respect you're the one not getting it.
No one has to like or hang out with family if they choose not to but they should respect family ties & behave in a respectful manner - it's called common decency.
Hypothetically, I do not have to like my sister's husband but out of respect to my sister I should behave towards him in a respectful manner. If I choose not to do that then I have to accept the fact that my relationship with my sister will suffer or else I put her in a horrible position of having to choose between her husband and her sister which is a very unpleasant thing to do to anyone.
It's the same in this instance. These adult women should not be placing their father in such an awful position whereby he has to choose between his wife & ds or his dd's. It's disgusting behaviour.

I can't understand some of the replies you're getting. I understand how hurtful this behaviour is as my ILs treat me in a very similar way. They recently spent two weeks with us. They and dh went out for day trips and never asked any of us along. It's bizarre.
I actually had a massive argument with my dh. I found him ordering cosmetics online for MIL. I said it was ridiculous of her to ask him to do it and was an example of how they ignore me. Of course he wasn't having it.
My ILs don't like me and I suspect your SDs don't either. However they should respect you as their father's wife.
I don't think you should comment on their contacting him when they need something. That's their right as children. However next time he goes out with them, you must insist on going with them. Of course they should get time alone with him but you need to set the expectation that you will be included sometimes.

My eldest DSS didn't want anything to go with me when I first became his dad's GF. I guess he didn't really want to accept that the old family unit was never going to come back. I am so glad that my now DH didn't allow him to be rude to me, forced him to be in my company and made it clear he had to accept me in his life.

The reason I'm so glad he did this is that I love that boy to bits now. He and I chat for hours on an evening. I ask his views on things. I feel proud of him when he does well. He ended up living with us for his sixth form years and I feel very much like a mum to him, more so than his siblings tbh, yet he was the one who was hostile at first.

Saying people don't have to have relationships with anyone they don't want to is so sad. You miss out on so much that never gets a chance to develop of you do that.

I loathed my father's second wife. But then my father pretty much started a new family and pretty much was done and dusted with his old one (not OW).

Second marriages can be very tricky to navigate and the person you look to to manage it all is key.

Your husband has pushed the balance in the wrong direction and nerds to work to navigate it.

First families can feel defunct. I do not care that goes against some people's morals.

It’s not arrogance is manners and basic decency?
What has happened that people don’t think they have to act respectfully or decently anymore?

First families can feel defunct. I do not care that goes against some people's morals

I see what you’re saying but I don’t think that’s the case here as the DD’s clearly have a close relationship with their dad even now they’re adults.

Thank you to everyone for posting, it’s helping me to understand. I’ll try to respond to a few issues.

They did used to come around the house EOW, and it all seemed okay except there seemed to be a huge barrier. I felt tolerated but nothing more. There was no big back story, but I always felt like an outsider. Their mother broke up with her bf and the girls spent more time there as she needed them, and they just stopped coming round. One of them had an argument with DH as he was upset that she totally ignored DS, and refused to come round ever again, and she didn’t.

I’d say that yes, any adult can do what they like, but actions have consequences and we don’t live in isolation. I am very hurt not to have any acknowledgement from my DSDs that I exist. I make their Dad happy, and I feel that they don’t care about DHs happiness. They don’t have to like me, or be my best mate, but I would like them to show DH that he doesn’t have to choose, or separate his entire life, just to keep up a relationship.

DS has started to realise the DSDs have no interest. He’s a pretty warm sociable little guy and he cannot understand why they do not want him around. Last year at school when asked to draw his family tree he got upset. He didn’t know what to do, he asked me later if they were really his sisters or not.

There is a big social difference. The girls and their Mum are very ‘regional’, whereas I’m from the south east and pretty eclectic. Their family is very insular on their Mums side, and several comments about my accent etc. Might be part of it.

They don’t have to like me, or be my best mate, but I would like them to show DH that he doesn’t have to choose, or separate his entire life, just to keep up a relationship

This is exactly what I was trying to say on your behalf OP. It sounds difficult. I hope things can improve with time for everyone’s sake

@IronMansIronButt - I'm not the one 'yelling' at people online. I'd suggest you take a long hard look as to why you're so angry with people disagreeing you & why you're so triggered by this thread but I might be seen as being arrogant!!!

These adult women should not be placing their father in such an awful position whereby he has to choose between his wife & ds or his dd's

I don't reckon he sees it as a choice though. There isn't a choice as he has a relationship with his DDs independent of the one with his wife.

They havevnt said leave your wife or we wont have a relationship with you. That's what I consider making him choose.

Regarding the example of not liking a BIL. I could maintain a relationship with my sister if I didn't like her DH. In fact there have been times I've deliberately not visited their house and arranged to see Dsis at my place or meet up elsewhere. We'd only have to see at larger family gatherings.

Last year at school when asked to draw his family tree he got upset. He didn’t know what to do, he asked me later if they were really his sisters or not.

That's really sad. Poor little boy.

ILs treat me in a very similar way. They recently spent two weeks with us. They and dh went out for day trips and never asked any of us along. It's bizarre.

Your DH allowed it to happen. If he respected you and cared about your feelings, he would have told his folks that you're coming along or he's not going.

The problem is conflict avoidant men who refuse to be firm out of fear.

I wouldn't have my parents in my home and they just ignored my DH. It's one thing if they didn't visit because they don't like him...but if they are actually in my house...then acting like he doesnt exist won't go down well with me.

Someone suggested that you insist on going out with next time. You can't insist and it would be foolish to push yourself where you aren't welcome.

The more you write the sadder I feel for you both. I would have a long discussion on how to move forward with your DH.

There no way I would accept being second choice or ignored long term, especially for my DC. It's a not a position I'd be happy to sustain.

I agree with building your own support network, go on holiday, plan days out etc so you and your DS enjoy life. You don't have to put things on hold waiting around for your H, although it may change how you feel about him.

Your DH needs to set some boundaries. You don't call anyone past 9pm unless it's prearranged or an emergency. Ants or any other vermin are not an emergency. It could and should have waiting until the next day. They could also have used Google to find a solution.

As a child of divorced parents who hated my dads girlfriend, I think his DDs are being ridiculous. Your DHs behavior is even more ridiculous though. If they don't want to join you guys on holiday that is their choice. You should still go.

but actions have consequences.

But they havevnt faced any consequences, so saying actions have consequences doesnt apply to them.

They haven't had less of their dad's time.

He jumps when they text over the smallest things.

They are now totally free of even having to 'tolerate' you and DS1.

Perhaps had he said at the time... I will not have you ignoring your brother and ignored her after the argument she would have realised she was wrong and changed her behaviour... because it sounds to me like they need him a lot more than he needs them at the moment. They would be the bigger loser IMO.

Disliking someone because of their accent is nonsense...unless they are so narrow minded and ignorant.

Perhaps it's simple jealousy on their part. Sometimes that's what it boils down to.

They did used to come around the house EOW, and it all seemed okay except there seemed to be a huge barrier. I felt tolerated but nothing more. There was no big back story, but I always felt like an outsider. Their mother broke up with her bf and the girls spent more time there as she needed them, and they just stopped coming round. One of them had an argument with DH as he was upset that she totally ignored DS, and refused to come round ever again, and she didn’t.

It sounds like things have been "awkward" for a long time, where neither you or your DSDs have ever been really comfortable in each other's company. How much their own DM had to do with that is debatable but certainly from what you've said it seems like there's been some manipulation on that front on two (at the time) young girls caught between a "happy" parent who's moving on and one who's perhaps jealous and dealing with her own issues.

Then that was compounded by one of them being confronted about her behaviour towards your DS- simply put, the easiest way to avoid that happening again is to not see your DS. That's not the mature or kind way to deal with it, but it is the easiest. We're often told that it's ok to drop relationships that don't make you happy, so it's not hard to find reassurance that actually it's ok to cease contact.

This sounds like two emotionally immature women who haven't been taught how to deal with their feelings around their parents splitting up or the tensions around the new dynamic. I'm 29 and am guilty of going to my dad with stuff that, yes, I could probably google or ask DH. But sometimes I just want my dad! If you couple that with wanting reassurance that your dad still loves you, plus your DH's desire to provide that reassurance you're going to get ridiculous phone calls about ants at 1am. And by looking after your DS and picking up the slack to accommodate solo visits and treats you're helping him facilitate that. I wouldn't be nasty about it, but I would say that if he's changing plans etc he needs to be the one to sort rearranging things, childcare and explaining to DS why that's happening.

TLDR- this isn't about you or your DS, it's about the three of them. Without a desire to change from your DH and the DSDs it will stay the same.