My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

No the evidence says that the bad psychological effects are there even if it is strangers who exclude you.

So whether that is work colleagues you’ve never even met, or School peers, the exclusion is still bulllying.

And DS has had DSDs around when he was younger, although they increasingly ignored him. And I know them.

I’m not sure why you are so angry though mingledy. Me and DS are not exactly having a great time here in our family lives! It’s a pretty devastating situation.

Miggeldyhiggins I think we will all have to agree to disagree on the adult step children being saints its just going around and round in circles.

Op dont worry concentrate on yourself and ds.

You're seriously suggesting that everyone who doesn't know you who doesn't include you in things is bullying you? So literally the entire world?

I am beginning to see reasons why your step daughters stopped visiting you, tbh. You are unreasonable enough just here, I can't imagine how this attitude would be to have to live with part time.

Oh here she goes again...

Wow.

Thanks prettylovely. I’ve got a lot of support from a lot of posters here. Thank you all. I will act to protect myself and DS from exclusion in the future, from DH, DSDs or any other angry or resentful people.

But yes, exclusion is just as damaging even if the people are not your ‘friends’ to begin with or family. Which they are anyway. But of course it is people within a sphere that you live in, work in, exist in. Otherwise we would not be aware of the excluding!

So yes if you worked in an organisation and people ignored you, in a situation where they would nit normally exclude anyone else, even if they’d never spoken to you in the first place, it is still bullying. Racial and other forms of discrimination would cite this ignoring in legal cases and it would be admitted as evidence of exclusion.

I guess a silent monks retreat might be an exception! (Could do with a little peace... )

And I and DS are well aware we are excluded, DSDs refuse to come around and used to deliberately ignore us when they did. They do not do this with others. It is nasty. Being polite and cordial, making a little effort, even if there is in great bond, that’s fine I wouldn’t count that as ignoring. It is acknowledging. That’s important, acknowledgment.

I would be absolutely vilified here if as a SM I did not acknowledge my step daughters and deliberately excluded them. And rightly so.

I see nothing I have done as unreasonable by feeling crap about this.

Nobody owes another person their time or attention just because they happen to be related to them. You need to understand this

No. You need to understand it. Ignoring your sibling ...especially a child for no reason isn't right.

Continuing to engage with a person who thinks it's okay is pointless. Sadly common sense isn't that common.

I would be absolutely vilified here if as a SM I did not acknowledge my step daughters and deliberately excluded them. And rightly so*.

Very true... and most likely by the very people who think it's fine for your SDs to do this.

Your SDs have issues and with their phoning because of ants...I don't see them becoming fully functioning adults.

I conclude that some people simply lack emotional intelligence. Your SDs and some posters on your thread fall into that category.

I've had to tell people it's not acceptable to ignore someone at work like that. It's not only bullying by exclusion, but it's rude. They have a choice of changing their behaviour or facing management action.

How much worse if the person ignoring you is your half sister.

Anyone thinking it's okay to treat a little boy like this ought to take a long hard look in the mirror.

I would be absolutely vilified here if as a SM I did not acknowledge my step daughters and deliberately excluded them. And rightly so

An adult who has chosen to make a life with someone with children owes a duty of care to those children. The children, who have no choice in the matter, owe nothing of the sort in return.

I hope that those who can't tell the difference do not have step children, or even children.

Thank you @sandy as I said I don’t think DSDs or DH are terrible people, but their behaviour is terrible. And hurtful.

In the past I have had some tolerance, some understanding of DSDs and DH. I know it’s hard accepting change for my DSDs, and I know the guilt DH feels. However as time has gone on I think my tolerance has worn thin. Any relationship, even parent child, is give and take.

Even a teacher at school rightly expects some respect and cordiality. A child has no choice about school, but most parents would insist on their children being respectful, or at the very least acknowledging a teacher. Why a SM is on some special list that excludes children and excuses bullying behaviour shows how deep rooted some of the stigma is.

Same old story, divorced dad, who has left the family home, feels guilt, is afraid DC won't visit, and therefore cannot set normal boundaries! This seems to be more common with their DD's...as I really know!
A 23 year old ringing her DF at 1am, about ants in the house...or whatever, is just plain silly, and the fact that they ignore you, is just plain rude!
Unfortunately, there's not a lot you can do about it, so my advice is to step back, ignore any unreasonable behaviour, smile sweetly when he is woken up at silly o'clock with daft requests.....BUT, set boundaries of your own where your DC is concerned. Make it quite clear to your DH that, whilst you will not interfere with anything to do with his daughters, your DC must have equal treatment and attention. And no matter how stretched he is, you're not prepared to bring the child up on your own!