My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

[EndofSummer]

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

For me late nights are a bit much!
But they were not calling you, they were calling him. How would you feel it is was a friend of his? Would you demand that he tells his friend not to contact him at this time, or would you tell your OH that you don't care when his friends call him, but that he needs to put his phone on silence once you're in bed as you don't want to be woken up by it? (and assume you do the same).

I don't think it's reasonable for them to refuse to come to your house. They don't have to like you, but they absolutely should be respectful and pleasant around you and accept that seeing their dad will often involve seeing you too.

I might not much happen to like my MIL but I accept that she's important to DH so I am nice to her and try to find things in common to talk about. As adults, I'd expect no less of your DSDs. Your DH should really push this I think. How would they like it if they moved out to live with a BF and your DH told them he didn't want to know the BF and refused to visit?

I think if you had a better relationship with them you might find the texting and calling less intrusive.

I would also wonder though whether your DH actually quite likes them texting and you being bothered by it. I mean, how come you're even aware how much it's happening? Can he not reply to them without mentioning it to you? Some people do rather thrive off jealousy of those around them. If he's actually quite enjoying the feeling that you and his DDs all want a piece of him, that could explain his reluctance to help you form a better relationship with them.

If he really won't or can't help facilitate a better relationship then I'd suggest telling him that you don't want to hear about them texting and to keep it to himself. Then it might bother you less, and he won't be able to use it to wind you up.

Going against the grain here but they are adults. What 20something thinks 'there are entirely harmless ants... i know. It's 1am. I COULD leave them.and get ant powder or get advice in the morning...nahh. i know. I'll call dad at 1am like it's an emergency'?

Parenting doesn't stop at 18, but part of being an adult is exercising a spot of common sense and they seen very princessy.

However, DH is the one who indulges this. If i call my mum for advice and she's having tea, she'll say 'Maisy, I'm just having tea. Can I call you in an hour?' Your DH should be capable of doing this instead of jumping when they click.

“They don’t have to like or interact with you”.

This is ridiculous. If they walk into op’s home for however short period of time, they DO have to interact pleasantly/politely with her being adults, as they would surely do with any other person.

I totally and completely accept that he has a relationship with his daughters. I go out of my way to facilitate that. I haven’t caused a huge fuss about DSDs excluding us, but I probably should raise it again. DH has friends and a mother and all kinds of other relationships too.

I think it’s the intrusiveness that bothers me. His mother can be a bit OTT but she doesn’t text several times in a row if DH doesn’t pick up and I think even DH would wonder if she was starting to lose her marbles if she phoned about ants at 1am!

DH is very defensive of his actions with DSDs, which is why we had an argument at 1am. I wonder if he knows it’s all a bit off, I mean it must hurt him that there’s zero interest in his young son. And in fairness I think DH would have been miffed if anyone had called me at 1am, for a non emergency.

Some days it feels like I’m just an inconvenience and in the background. I’m not sure I want to carry on being relegated as soon as the phone goes, I’d like just some protected time. Or maybe I just need counseling to better deal with my feelings!

My DSC are still teenagers but I wouldn't expect them to be texting at 1am except in an emergency. I wouldn't think that to be ok at any age.

If texts late at night are frequent you could ask your DH to leave his phone downstairs. If he doesn't want to just in case there's a real emergency then suggest he tells his DDs (and his mother, ex, etc) that they should call on the landline if they can't reach him on his mobile and it's a real emergency. If his DDs are awkward around you they're unlikely to call on the landline without good reason.

They sound quite immature if they are in their twenties and bothering people at 1 a.m for a non-emergency.

Both of my parents would happily say ‘nows not a good time’ if we contacted them aged 20 for help, and ‘are you out of your tiny selfish mind’ if we texted them after midnight knowing they’d wake up. Your dh needs to get them to show him a little respect on that front, and more respect to you I think. I would insist he arrange some things he can take your dc to with them even if it’s just lunch, and I’m sure there are other changes I’d need - Id expect my dh to require some respect from his children to his wife of ten years, and not leave me alone parenting all the time. What happens when you want to go out? Is that time locked in or are you subject to his dc?

DH will often say ‘well if you want to plan anything obviously we will do that’, except he never wants to commit if I suggest a day out. I asked instead then if we could have one day of the weekend just to ourselves, he agreed but then there’s usually a last minute ‘we can go to the cafe but I have to pick DSD up at 3 so can we work it around that’ and then that changes...

Do feel a bit subject to his DCs. We haven’t had a holiday in two years as DCs will feel left out.

The problem is your h. The girls behave like this because their Dad indulges it. 1am phone calls are for serious stuff like being taken to hospital and needing picking up from a police station.

Yanbu to be irritated that your h doesn't parent them and say that he's not always available instantly and sometimes has good reasons like work, bath, swimming, meals, cinema which means no reply is possible.

Yabu to assume that the purpose of a phone call needs to be important. Calling for silly reasons like which apples to buy for a crumble is what kids do regardless of age. It sounds like he receives the calls rather than makes them. Could that be a problem for them?

Hi @EndofSummer - I don't think yabu at all!!! If my 21 year old son txted me at 1am from HIS FATHER'S house about ants I'd go through him for a shortcut & tell him to get his dad to sort out HIS ant problem!
If he txted me from his digs in uni about ants that would be a different scenario altogether.
You have a dp problem & honestly it will not get better until he tells those girls that you and their step sibling should be respected as you two are also part of his family.
I find it totally ridiculous on these threads that people find it acceptable that ADULT children should be supported in such rude, immature behaviour. We're supposed to teach our kids to go out into the world with some notion of manners & respect for people, & yet time and again people on these threads think bullying & alienating tactics on the part of adult children is acceptable just because you're the sm & they don't have to like you!
Your dp & his ex have reared two rude adults who can't even be kind to an innocent child!
Parenting doesn't stop at 18 but what your dp is doing is not parenting, it's enabling rude & entitled behaviour.

No sensible adult texts or calls at 1am because of ants. I mean if it was a snake I'd understand the fear...but ANTS!

The problem is your DH not dealing with it properly.

It sounds like you get dropped like a hot brick if they want anything. To have no interest at all in their brother is sad too.

It's up to you if you want to live your life this way. On the proviso that the marriage is generally good in other areas... In order to stay, I would build up my own social network, including taking my son on holiday...as his dad won't come. When he's taking his DDs out, I'd sometimes make my own plans so you don't feel lonely.

I'd also leave him with DS and go out on your own/with friends. You don't always have to be stuck in with him alone.

If getting constantly disturbed when dining out...I'd insist on phones on silent for the duration..otherwise I'd just stop bothering going out with him... if it results in being disturbed with a non emergency.

You sound very sad and I'm sensing you don't feel important to him.

There's nothing wrong with being a supportive dad...but he's doing them no favours jumping to their every whim.

When the girls have relationships and can't be quite as bothered with him..

There are some bonkers replies here. Unless a dire emergency, no one needs to contact their father at 1am!!!!!

Yes children are for life, but there is such a thing as boundaries, and your DH and his DC don’t seem to have any. Not sure what to suggest tbh.

I would be happy for my child to contact me for advice at any time of day quite honestly.
And I don't see why you feel they should necessarily have a relationship with you or your child. Really, your relationship with their father is nothing to do with them. You're not really family to them, you're their father's partner.
I think you're introducing competition between them and you where it's not necessary and putting your DH in a difficult predicament, forcing him to choose. Quite honestly if I was with someone who tried to make me choose them over my children, I wouldn't be with them. However old they are, my children will always come first.

Well that would mean he is choosing his adult DDs over his young son - nice.
Parents do seem to screw up their DCs after divorce. My DCs did not hassle me all the time in fact after the age of 17 did NOT want constant attention, quite the opposite, thought they knew best ! Unless there was some emotional upset like a failed exam and they wanted a shoulder to cry on.
In the long run they should find partners and lose interest in DF, especially if they have DCs of there own. Although if they remain with DM it might continue. The ant phone call is ridiculous what adult (DM) can’t deal with ants?
Your sadness will influence your DS. You can’t change another persons behaviour, only your own. What can you do for a happier life? More friends, hobbies, holidays with DS?

If someone called me and 1AM, I’d be pretty miffed, unless there was a genuine emergency.

I’m 22 and my DP is 23, we both contact our parents at least once a week to ask about anything from grouting to wall anchors to my mums soup recipe. It’s what parents are for. They can wait until the morning unless urgent though.

My 18 Yr old dd at uni wouldn't dream of calling me at 1am in a non emergency. How immature of them but its your H facilitating it

Your dsds are doing their damnest to ensure that your son is not recognised as a child in their family.

I was a child of divorced parents. It was very hard when my dad started a new family and it felt we didn't count for anything.

However, that emotion ebbed and flowed over the years. Now, I am extremely close to my younger half sister but am Still incredibly unimpressed with his utter preference of her over my middle sister and me.

However, your DH sounds like he has swung the other way!

Your poor ds.

I suspect that you are at the end of your tether and think you are probably not far from wanting a divorce. Ask you DH how he's planning on working his relationship with DS and DSD after the divorce. Would he countenance marriage counseling?

TeeBee She isn't forcing him to choose between her and his kids, !!! She needs his kids to grow up, get some bloody manners, and for him to make priority for his young child. I'm sorry but if my adult children called us and woke us up at 1am about ants both of us would be angry.

He needs to get some boundaries. He has a young child and a wife they are a priority now unless the adult children have an emergency. So things like planned days out for wife and young child come as a priority and are not fitted around the wants and needs of the adult kids (being picked up from a cafe ??? Learn to drive yourself or get a bloody bus !)

Above all, the princessy attention seeking needs to stop. The rudeness in not acknowledging their half brother and SM is not OK.. it all sounds a bit orchestrated to me. Is their

Oops posted to soon..
... a possibility that they think mum and dad will reunite if they piss you off enough ? Is there some concern about inheritance now DH has another child.. ? All very immature and playing on the Disney dad tendencies in many divorced fathers..

Seriously? You don't go on holiday in case his grown up daughters get jealous? That's insane. You get to spend your weekends alone w ds so he can go play with his daughters. How often does this happen?

How much longer are you prepared to live like this?