Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Original poster

My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

337 replies

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:24

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

OP posts:
moodance · 09/05/2018 09:45

I think this is bonkers .... I don't think it is socially acceptable to text about ants pass 9pm lol .... it's odd. Clearly there are some relationships issues here but jezz the adult child needs to get a grip ....

If the house was on firer ... water leaking from the ceiling fair enough... but ants 🐜 they don't just appear...

MrsJayy · 09/05/2018 09:52

Tbf I think 20 somethings have a phone in their hand all the time they don't seem tohave time boundries iyswim and they want instant reaponse.

I know my own 20 somethings get agitated if somebody doesn't message back I am having this conversation with my Dd she expects instant response it is bloody irritating.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:02

I often text parent past 11pm. About anything. Even mundane stuff. But that's because I know they are awake at this hour and don't mind talking to me.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 10:07

Jesus Christ! I cannot believe the responses on here saying it’s ok to ignore dad’s wife and their own brother!!!
Sorry it really isn’t. Children (especially adult children) do not have the right to treat their parents or parents’ spouses with such disrespect or disdain without there being consequences. The world has gone made and this is exactly why we have a snowflake generation because people accept bad behaviour or hostility as something someone is “entitled” to do. No on is entitled to treat anyone badly, let alone family. And the OP and their brother ARE family Shock

They don’t have to particularly like her, they don’t have to spend extended amounts of time with her but they should without a doubt be polite, try to foster some sort of relationship with their brother and also out if respect for their dad spend at least the odd occasion with them.

I could not imagine treating my mum or dad with such utter disrespect by acting as the OP’s SD’s do. They are not children but grown adults, old enough to have children of their own. I would also be disgusted with my children if they excluded their “half”-sibling and his mother.

I think contacting dad for advice is fine, but not at 1am and they are old enough to understand that people can’t always drop everything to adhere to their whims.

They sound self-centred and awful tbh. And I say that both as a SC and now a SM.

Your DH has allowed this dynamic to develop and it will continue unless he makes serious changes now.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:09

Why do you have to have a relationship with your siblings? Confused

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 10:09

Also by the reasoning of some that they don’t have to “accept” her and their brother. Yes the absolutely do! They have to accept they exist and are a huge part of dad’s life and won’t be going away. They don’t have to be overly thrilled about it, but they sure as hell have to accept them in order to continue any meaningful relationship with their dad.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 10:12

@flowermug2 because he is a child, he is their brother. This isn’t a case of adult siblings deciding they don’t want to be friends... this child has done nothing wrong.
You sound messed up if you think it’s ok for family members to behave this way.
Being mature and kind are traits I certainly value and would expect from grown women.

Fflamingo · 09/05/2018 10:36

@Flowerpotbicycle thanks for a more balanced post

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:45

I went NC with my younger child siblings when I was like 16, even though they'd done nothing wrong, so yeah I probably just don't get the importance of why you have to try.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/05/2018 10:47

@Flowerpotbicycle

Absolutely agree with you 100%.

@flowermug2

Your logic is deeply flawed. By your reasoning no family would function at all. Children don't get a say in whether they have brother or sisters in a standard family unit. So does that give them the right to emotionally abuse younger siblings by ignoring them because they didn't get a choice and so they don't have to accept them?

By your reasoning it's okay to treat young kids like shit because your parents got divorced?

If you show your kids it's okay to treat certain family members like crap then they will grow up to model that same behaviour in their adult relationships and more emotional abuse occurs. The cycle continue on and on.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:47

"The child has done nothing wrong" doesn't mean you have to a) like them b) have a relationship with them. It just means they've done nothing wrong. So let the dad have his relationship with his son, he can spend less time with his DDs and more time with DS, but that does not mean his DDs must see his DS.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:50

This isn't a "standard family unit" - they aren't living together.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 10:50

@flowermug2 how utterly sad for you. I feel genuinely sorry for people who don’t see the importance of having meaningful relationships with their family members.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/05/2018 10:53

You are missing the point @flowermug2

I feel sad for you too.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:54

So does that give them the right to emotionally abuse younger siblings by ignoring them because they didn't get a choice and so they don't have to accept them?

Maybe not ignore them. But you don't have to have a good relationship. It's different though, because they aren't living together and they aren't kids as you usually are when you get a new sibling, it's not like they are giving them the silent treatment over the breakfast table. They don't see eachother, full stop. Nothing to miss if you never had it. If my mum had a new baby all of a sudden, so what? I have no attachment to that baby just because it shares blood

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:56

I do have meaningful relationships with my family members thank you, just not all of them.Hmm

blueskyinmarch · 09/05/2018 10:56

My DDs are 20 and 25. One working a long way from us and the other at uni a long way from us. Both will text and ask advice but never in the middle of the night and neither would expect and instant response. They are both adults and able to function without us but do like a bit of extra support from time to time.

OP it seems to me like your DSDs want to have some power and control over you and your relationship with their DF and this is how they do it. Don't rise to it. The problem here is your DH for pandering to them.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 10:57

The more your write flowermug the sadder your situation sounds. They don’t have to do anything, but it’s upsetting that they don’t bother with their young sibling. You may think it’s normal or acceptable to behave this way but it really isn’t and arguing that it is ok doesn’t mean that it is.
It’s mean and unfair on their dad too! If they love and respect their dad then they could at least act polite and put themselves out for him every now and then, but they’re not.
There are certain family members I’m not particularly keen on but I’m in their company at times because I’m respectful to the rest of my family

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 10:58

I just don't see why they can't have their time with their dad and DS has his time with his dad Confused

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 11:00

If my mum had a new baby all of a sudden, so what? I have no attachment to that baby just because it shares blood
Oh dear, I feel even sadder for you if this is how you view family Sad

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 11:01

I just don't see why they can't have their time with their dad and DS has his time with his dad
No one is saying they can’t? But for their dad’s sake at least they could occasionally be around his wife and their own brother.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 11:01

You don't need to feel sad. I have all the family I need in my life. It's very patronising.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 11:02

I could not imagine a scenario where I would find it acceptable to cut out any child family member, let alone a sibling.
But I suppose my morals and views on family are different to yours 🤷🏼‍♀️

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 11:05

Well, clearly we disagree there and I accept I'm in the minority. Exitinf thread now

enpointeredshoes · 09/05/2018 11:12

Well, the son is so perhaps effort there, but she really isn't. But then whether they want to accept half-sibling is their right also. They don't have to and shouldn't have to accept his new family in order to still have their father. I agree he should spend more time with his son tbh as he is his dad, but the daughter's don't have to.

^This. I agree with flowermug

Swipe left for the next trending thread