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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

337 replies

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:24

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

OP posts:

hildabaker · 09/05/2018 06:19

YANBU OP. It's great that your OH has a good relationship with his daughters but it's not right that they phone him all the time yet ignore you. I notice you say that his EW phones him too. I personally would not put up with frequent contact from EW. I had this a bit with my DH when we first met and I made my displeasure known. In emergencies fine, but not random phone calls every week.

I would insist to your DH that his daughters sometimes come to visit him and you and their half-brother. I would also insist on having a holiday with hi sometimes with you and your child.

I wonder if they are doing this because they are genuinely pretty useless, or whether it's some kind of jealousy thing against you.

Springnowplease · 09/05/2018 06:27

Excellent post, Fontofno, I was about to post similarly.

They are spoilt princesses, no longer children. They need to grow up, he needs to grow a spine. DH problem.

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2018 07:29

You can’t make any concrete plans as dsdd could always have something come up and you can’t go on holiday? I too would be sitting down with ‘dh’ and starting the discussions of how this works for your poor little dc if you split up. Ask him directly will he be able to prioritise his small child who really does need him then, or is the truth that he just doesn’t care as much about your dc? Not to mention you...

swingofthings · 09/05/2018 07:37

Some days it feels like I’m just an inconvenience and in the background. I’m not sure I want to carry on being relegated as soon as the phone goes, I’d like just some protected time. Or maybe I just need counseling to better deal with my feelings!
Were you relegated then? We you in the middle of a discussion or something else together and he stopped to pick up the phone?

I understand the feeling of being rejected if that is indeed the case, but if it is just that he was happy to pick up the phone because he wasn't asleep and not doing anything in particular, but that bothers you, then yes, you need to let it go.

Fflamingo · 09/05/2018 07:48

I would try to make more of an independent life for you and DS.
It's nice to be 'needed' and DH is needed by 4 women and his son. Sad that he can't prioritise more fairly.
It could be that if you look as if you no longer need him, and are having fun with DS without DH's contribution he might feel a bit aggrieved and change his ways. And being 'needed' might become a bit of a nuisance for him.
What is the financial situation, why don't DD/ ex have cars?

NorthernSpirit · 09/05/2018 08:41

The DSD sound rude and entitled. All because neither parent (by the sounds of things parented them or put boundaries in place).

It’s probably too late to change them, the only change you make is how you, your DH deal with it (and ringing / texting at 1am for a non emergency is not acceptable). I can’t believe how many parents on here are at their little snowflakes beak and call).

If your DH doesn’t think there is a problem (and there is) then you need to put some coping strategies in place. Forgoing a family day out in case his princess needs a lift is unacceptable. What about this family? I woukd be having serious words with him. Disney parenting to the extreme.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 08:43

His adult DC are under no obligation to accommodate or include a step parent.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 08:46

This is ridiculous. If they walk into op’s home for however short period of time, they DO have to interact pleasantly/politely with her being adults, as they would surely do with any other person.

Maybe they just shouldn't go to ops home then. Just blank her out completely.

JustGettingStarted · 09/05/2018 09:03

OP, one line you can draw in the sand is being left with your son. Make him take your son. If he refuses, then leave the house shortly before he is due to leave to see his daughters. Leave your son and get out of the house. Send a text saying you'll be out for a few hours and just blandly state that of course he is responsible for his child.

BarbarianMum · 09/05/2018 09:09

Don't be stupid flowermug. You don't just get to ignore your df's wife but expect to keep up a normal relationship with him, as if she abd8 his other child don't exist. That's bizarre.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 09:13

Why not? He is their family, not them.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 09:14

the DSDs say they are uncomfortable with either DS or me so DH doesn’t want to upset them by taking us

Well that’s tough shit! DS is his son also!! They are adults and he is there brother even if they don’t like it. Why should he be left out? Why are they more important then his son?

And if he plans a day out with you then it’s ‘no I got to run at 3 to get DSD’ you don’t have to plan your life around them. If you have plans for the whole day then you have plans for the whole day!

I dont Understand why you would put up with this, you husband Constantly leaving you both behind because of his adult children.

If my Partner treated our children like this in favour of my Step daughter I’d walk, I wouldn’t have my kids thinking they are not as important.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 09:15

Well, the son is so perhaps effort there, but she really isn't. But then whether they want to accept half-sibling is their right also. They don't have to and shouldn't have to accept his new family in order to still have their father. I agree he should spend more time with his son tbh as he is his dad, but the daughter's don't have to.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 09:16

@flowermug2 - actually the DS is also there family as he is there half sibling by blood.

Op is also his family as she is his wife!

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 09:17

@flowermug2 - if he’s leaving all the time to see his adult daughters then he should be taking his son for some of that time, it’s tough luck if they don’t want him there as he is family if they like it or not.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 09:19

if he’s leaving all the time to see his adult daughters then he should be taking his son for some of that time, it’s tough luck if they don’t want him there as he is family if they like it or not.

You don't force family onto people.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 09:20

Yes you do. The op and her son have done nothing wrong. He doesn’t get to ditch them whenever he feels like it.

BarbarianMum · 09/05/2018 09:22

And if one of the dd's marries flowermug. Does their father get to totally ignore their husband (and later their children) yet expect the relationship to continue? Is that how things work in your family?

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 09:23

Yes you do. The op and her son have done nothing wrong. He doesn’t get to ditch them whenever he feels like it.

Well, all you can do is try to force the new family onto the daughters, they don't have to accept it. If he's willing to sacrifice them for new family or new family for them, his loss. I think he shouldn't see his daughters as much and should spend more time with new family - this way, when he sees daughters, there will be no need to take new son if they don't want to see him.
They have 0 obligation to have realtionship with his wife.

OreoMini · 09/05/2018 09:27

If his ADULT children can’t act like adults then it will be there own problem when there dad sees them less.

Either way, he should not be ditching his son in favour of his daughters, if they don’t like that and can’t understand the fact he has another child then they should go without the contact.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 09:27

And if one of the dd's marries flowermug. Does their father get to totally ignore their husband (and later their children) yet expect the relationship to continue? Is that how things work in your family?

If my parents don't like my partner (and they don't, they'd probably be happy if I left him) then they do t have to have a relationship. In fact, they really don't have one, they never talk, they do Xmas cards and bday cards to him at most to be civil. I'm happy with that, they don't need to have a relationship with my partner to have one with me - they've had one with me my entire life, why should that change just because I have a partner? Why would I ruin my relationship with my parents? Luckily my partner doesn't give a crap and doesn't really like my parents either. Avoids at all costs.

Why do I have to choose one over the other? If I visit my parents, I go alone or take DD too and leave DP alone.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 09:30

Either way, he should not be ditching his son in favour of his daughters

He should be spending time with both of them, son more so as he's younger, but this doesn't need to be at the same time.

MrsJayy · 09/05/2018 09:36

It must feel really isolating if they are so indifferent towards you that it is rudeness although they don't have to like you but they are adults they could be kinder towards you and especially their sibling.

The texting is normal you need to ignore it but I do think you need to talk to your husband about him ignoring you and your Dc though

TeeBee · 09/05/2018 09:38

I'm with you Flowermug2. I am divorced. I don't force my partner onto my children. I am their mother, he is not their parent and he accepts that. Nice if they can get along but they're not obligated to accept him or include him a part of their lives.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/05/2018 09:44

Some very strange responses on here

Your DSDs are still in child mode and need a wake up call. Of course he will always be their dad but there are common decencies that they should be aware of and not take the piss! Phoning at 1am about ants is ridiculous. If my kids did that at that age I'd be telling them to get a grip and don't be so dramatic. Phoning at that time should be for emergencies only not attention seeking.

As ever you need to have a long talk with your DH about respecting your relationship. There's no top trumps here. Family should be supportive of all members not the chosen few.

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