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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My adult DSDs ignore me but contact DH for the smallest thing

337 replies

EndofSummer · 08/05/2018 14:24

I can’t work out whether I am being unreasonably annoyed by my DSDs? Any perspectives welcome.

Married 10 years, we have one young child between us. DH has two older daughters from previous marriage, 20 and 23 years, both living at their Mums. One at Uni, one not working at all.

They are both pretty indifferent to me and our child. No incident or reason, except that I feel invisible. DH enjoys a good relationship with them which I support. He has a lot of evenings and days where I’ll look after our child so he can take them out to nice places. They refuse to come to the house or spend time with me. That’s sad but I understand it’s not easy, so I let it be.

The thing that bugs me is that they contact DH for the smallest things a lot. We will just be sat down for dinner and one will call because she hasn’t got a form for Uni. And if she doesn’t get a reply straight away she’ll keep texting.

Yesterday the other one messaged DH at 1am to say that there were ants in their house! DH actually answered and we got into an argument. I said that this was their Mums house and it was up to her and then to sort it out, and also he shouldn’t reply at 1am we were in bed!

I find it very intrusive. I’ve talked to DH but he has guilt and princess daughter syndrome. What can I do? I find I’m getting jumpy every time the phone beeps.

OP posts:
IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:14

Any parent here wouldn’t mind a call from their 23 year old at 1am about ants?! They wouldn’t say, look we can talk in the morning? I think I’d be annoyed if my own DS did that

Well, does he mind? If he does, he should deal with it. If he doesn't, then its fine.
They are his children, its not your business.

enpointeredshoes · 09/05/2018 11:15

Don't leave the thread flowermug you raise some valid points. Sad

timeisnotaline · 09/05/2018 11:19

Flowering is derailing the thread because she hasn’t really addressed how unfair this is on op with a small dc. Who ends up solely responsible for the dc and can’t plan an outing or ever have a holiday because two adult women demand time of their dad instead. That’s not a normal parenting relationship. Fine they don’t need a relationship with their brother but they do need to accept that will limit some of their interactions with their dad, as he has a wife and small child.

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:20

But thats a problem with her husband, its not his childrens fault.

Walkaboutwendy · 09/05/2018 11:22

Standard munsnet logic applies here: you have a DH problem. You need to have a sit down with him and tell him how it is affecting you and your DS.

Heartofglass12345 · 09/05/2018 11:23

They are being pathetic and childish! They may still be his kids, but they are adults and they certainly aren't acting like it. I haven't got any advice really other than telling your husband how much it upsets you. He needs to stop pandering to them, either tell them that you and your son will be there too, or stop seeing them so much and spent more time with you and your young child who needs him more than they do!

sofato5miles · 09/05/2018 11:26

Flowerpotbicycle, I dunno about morals etc but you have nailed smug and patronising

elderflowerandrose · 09/05/2018 11:31

You have two choices you either put up with it and keep quiet. it is their dad and they have a right to contact him whenever they want to.

Or you talk to your dh and tell him you would prefer some boundaries were in place, you feel he is not around enough. You can sit together and allocate evenings for his dds and evenings for your ds. I would strongly encourage him not to break those agreements unless it is a medical emergency and that the time with you and ds is just as important as time with his dds. It sounds like you feel second best.

He needs to say to them they can not call and wake up the whole house unless it is a medical emergency in future. We turn our phones off and know family will call the landline if there is serious bad news. I suggest you do the same.

He needs to put boundaries in place all the while enjoying his lovely dds and their need to be close to him. Texting him and staying in touch is good for him and for them, so I would think twice before mentioning that, but honestly I would just make sure 'your' time is spent doing fun things together as a family, not feeling resentful or comparing, but simply changing your weekly schedules to include time for everyone.

At some point his dds will have lives and families of their own and will need him less.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 11:32

Well maybe I have. But just because some people think it’s fine to treat family members poorly or cut them out for no reason, it doesn’t make it right.
Flowermug2 kept pushing asking why should they have to be pleasant and try and have a relationship with their brother - an innocent child. She insists they don’t based her on morals, I insist they do based on mine.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 11:33

Fine they don’t need a relationship with their brother but they do need to accept that will limit some of their interactions with their dad, as he has a wife and small child.

I said that he should spend less time with DDs and more time with DS. Plenty of times.

flowermug2 · 09/05/2018 11:35

At least get what I've said right if you're going to disagree with me.

MrsDilber · 09/05/2018 11:41

Yanbu. They are grown up women who are being rude to you and their sibling.

Your real problem is that this shouldn't have been allowed to get to where you are, that this can only be broached and an argument will happen somewhere, which DH will want to avoid at all costs.

They should come to your house, there is no reason why they shouldn't. I'm not a SM, I've never been divorced, so I'm not looking at this with a biased perception.

Good luck op 💐

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:42

But just because some people think it’s fine to treat family members poorly or cut them out for no reason, it doesn’t make it right

There is no cutting out, OP is not the adults in question;s family. You think they should be, but its what they think that matters, not you.

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:43

They should come to your house, there is no reason why they shouldn't

They don't want to is reason enough. I think you'll agree that adult women don't have to go anywhere they don't want to?

Charley50 · 09/05/2018 11:48

Can't believe some posters think it's ok for your DH to constantly fuck off with his adult DDs leaving you and his DS, to not go on holiday in case his DDs are upset, and to let them be so disrespectful to you. He should be telling them how it is and putting boundaries in place. They're rude and he is facilitating it.

Did you write about him before OP, and a needy ex-wife? Maybe that's someone different.

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:49

Did anyone say it was ok? She has a DH problem, the women can do as they like.

SandyY2K · 09/05/2018 11:52

But for their dad’s sake at least they could occasionally be around his wife and their own brother.

If it bothered the dad he would have said something to them.

This situation is a problem for the OP and not her DH.

Forcing a relationship is pointless. You can't force them to come to the house either.

I can't understand how it became acceptable for them to not visit your home. I understand they want exclusive time with him ... but that shouldn't mean they absolutely don't interact with you and your DS.

Without a backstory it doesn't seem to make sense. Their parents were divorced for several years, but yet it suddenly seems like you're the intruder.

They don't see you as family and you obviously won't be a part of their special events.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 11:54

There is no cutting out, OP is not the adults in question;s family. You think they should be, but its what they think that matters, not you

How is she not family? She is their dad’s wife and the mother of their brother so she is family both legally and now via their sibling. That’s like me saying my SIL isn’t family even though she’s my brother’s wife and mother of my nephew.... of course she is Confused

Rafflesway · 09/05/2018 11:56

Endof, could I ask a pretty sensitive question please?

Did you marry someone from a different social spectrum? (In other words was your DH much wealthier than you when you married?)

My reason for asking is that I have heard of similar previously in a wealthy family where the father went on to marry someone from a more "standard" background. Your posts sound increasingly as if your SD's - I hesitate to use the "D" - look down on you and appear to behave as if you and your DS don't belong within the same social sphere as they, their DM and your DH. To make matters worse, if this is the case, your DH is enabling this.

FWIW I certainly would not tolerate being treated as a second class citizen as you appear to be treated at present. I would take the bull by the horns and have a serious conversation with DH. Totally understandable he wants to help and spend time with his DD's and that IS to be applauded. Definitely NOT acceptable that you are treated with such little care or respect in the process. He would either need to shape up or I would be making a new life with DS. (Your DS will suffer as he grows older as it will be impossible for him not to notice.)

Flowers for you. I think you are behaving admirably so far.

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 11:59

How is she not family? She is their dad’s wife and the mother of their brother so she is family both legally and now via their sibling. That’s like me saying my SIL isn’t family even though she’s my brother’s wife and mother of my nephew.... of course she is

No, she is not legally "family". Family is what you consider it to be. Your dads wife is not your family unless you feel she is. Their half brother is technically family but they don't have to consider him as part of their family if they choose not to.

What are you not getting here? It is not for YOU to say what other peoples families look like.

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 12:01

It is not for you to say their behaviour is ok just because they choose to behave badly

Flowerpotbicycle · 09/05/2018 12:01

And yes she is “legally” family. That’s what marriage is Hmm

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 12:02

It is for me to say its up to them to choose how they behave, and up to their father to say if he has a problem. Its neither your nor my business what any of them do!

IronMansIronButt · 09/05/2018 12:02

And yes she is “legally” family. That’s what marriage is

No, its not. You don't understand the word.

Magda72 · 09/05/2018 12:03

Eh legally she IS family as she is their Dad's WIFE. Therefore she is his next of kin. They may not feel she is their family & that's their prerogative but it does not negate the fact LEGALLY this man's family are his wife & three kids!

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