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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

My step daughter refuses to stay with us

193 replies

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 14:04

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

OP posts:

OliviaStabler · 31/03/2018 14:07

Where us your dh in all of this? I'd disengage from the situation and let him deal with it.

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 14:12

My husband is very passive about the whole thing. I'm still hurt he allowed her to behave like this and still allows bad behaviour and her to control everyone if that makes sense. I think it might be guilt? She was born when he was with her mother for a very short time etc I just don't know!

OP posts:

Jon66 · 31/03/2018 14:13

Step kids are difficult whatever the age, mine 'tolerate me but are now 40 and 30 something' but to be honest I couldn't care less anymore. Can you let it go over your head? Seems to me, if the stepdaughter refuses to go to your home, then that is very much her problem rather than yours. Without meaning to sound harsh and horrible, I would say if she's so rude, and your partner doesn't call her on it, her not coming to your home is a win win!
She may grow out of it, she may not. Your son doesn't have to have a relationship with his sister and if your husband is not prepared to do anything to facilitate a relationship there isn't a lot you can do.

There don't appear to be any rules for blended families, but in my experience, lots of people have difficulties putting their feelings to one side when it comes to divorce and new relationships etc. They should be putting their children first and showing tolerance and understanding with everybody both supporting the new family and old family. Unfortunately this doesn't appear to happen often enough for so many reasons.

HonkyWonkWoman · 31/03/2018 14:14

I wouldn't worry about her not visiting you. Fourteen year old girls are generally quite stroppy and unfriendly at the best of times.
Leave her to her Df.
Ignore and do not take on board any nasty comments from "D"Mil.
Your Ds will not miss what he hasn't had and when Dsd grows up a bit she "may" come round and Ds can get to know her then.

swingofthings · 31/03/2018 16:28

It sounds like you took a dislike of each other very earlier on. In the end, it's her choice not to come over any longer. Does she still see her dad outside of your house or has contact totally stopped?

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 16:46

She sometimes see her Dad but normally when he texts do you want to go out for a meal. Otherwise she doesn't want to see him. He's texted her three times this week and all times she doesn't reply

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 31/03/2018 16:53

She just doesn't like you because you are her stepmother. This isn't really likely to change. And there is not much you can do about it. And really it's not uncommon for stepchildren to resent the person their mother or father is married to. For no other reason that they are a sp. You need to try and understand. I agree just let her father get on with dealing with her and keep out of it.

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 16:56

Would it be ok for my husband to take her out with our son if she made it clear she didn't want me to spend time with them?

OP posts:

Viviennemary · 31/03/2018 17:17

Yes I think that would be a good idea if she agrees to it and is sensible. At least give it a try.

WhiteCat1704 · 31/03/2018 18:24

Op..trust me on this..better her not coming over than deciding she hates her mother and living with you full time...

Let her father deal with her..Don't allow contact with your DS until your DH sorts her behaviour out i.e ensures she in not disrespectful towards you. If he doesn't care you DEFINITELY shouldn't either.

Your SD sounds like a drama queen and a liar..disangege until her father takes some responsibility

WhiteCat1704 · 31/03/2018 18:28

Oh and ignore MIL..she will go on what SD has told her..likely not true dramatic bs. Teenage girls can be really awful..teenage SDs double that

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 18:33

It's like she plays everyone off each other. My mil uses her to divide me and my husband to control him. It's disgusting

OP posts:

NorthernSpirit · 31/03/2018 19:04

Oh this is such a shame OP. DSD is clearly being influenced, manipulatied by her mum - how else who a young child learn to speak to someone in the 3rd person? I think that’s disrespectful to you.

I would make sure she knows she can come over any time she pleases. A 14 year old can decide for themselves if they want contact, this is so sad for her and her dad that she’s been so influenced by her mum.

Good idea that dad spends some time with her 1-2-1 if he can and ideally her brother. That’s a start and hopefully she will come round over time.

YourWanMajella · 31/03/2018 19:06

What's disgusting is you blaming this child instead of your husband for being such a shitty parent to his child.
Is he any better as a parent to your child? And what did you do to make that ten year old not feel rejected and pushed out by her dad having a new family and new child?

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 19:12

I don't blame my stepdaughter here. I blame my husbands lack of boundaries and my mil playing games. I did lots to make her welcome. It was my flat we moved into when we got married. I decorated her bedroom and got her to choose the wallpaper etc, she was my chief bridesmaid and I always went out my way to plannice things to do.

OP posts:

Coco134 · 31/03/2018 21:02

OP - I wouldn’t let your oh take your ds out to meet his daughter, she clearly doesn’t like you (which he should of called her up on a long time ago) so if she was like that with you in the room imagine what she says about you behind your back. Do you really want your DS to hear that about his own mum? Until she can grow up and mature a little bit I wouldn’t worry about them meeting. Your DS wouldn’t be missing out on much. There’s a massive age gap already and she probably won’t want to play ‘baby’ games.

Let your dh send a message saying she is welcome around your home anytime and he would love to see her. Balls in her court then

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2018 23:18

Don’t let anyone who hates you anywhere near your child!

How does your husband feel about his children having no relationship? If your son is now 3 the issue must have come up before now.

MIL sounds like a bitch but the problem is your husband who is happy for other people eg his DD and mother to treat you badly while he stands back and lets it happen. What the hell is that all about?

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 23:25

Annelovesgilbert absolutely. Think my husband is scared of my mil. She likes to control. Was listening to the Jeremy Vine show the other day about narcissistic parents and about mothers who favour the other child. Well that was him and his golden child sister. Maybe this is why he doesn't tell them to get lost?

OP posts:

takeittakeit · 31/03/2018 23:41

And in wades Northern Spirit in baling the mother!!

Even OP recognises it is her DP and his mother who are the issue.

NS - you are a broken record

takeittakeit · 31/03/2018 23:41

blaming the mother

AnneLovesGilbert · 31/03/2018 23:45

Have you read the book Toxic Inlaws? Might help you develop some techniques or insight into ways to protect yourself from her awfulness and your husband’s weakness in standing up to her.

Your situation sounds really stressful, I feel for you.

For now, your DH relationship with his daughter is up to him. You tried and he’s obviously not that bothered or he’d have sorted her out and got her to respect you as the other adult in the home and his partner. He didn’t, which has taken a terrible and lasting toll on all of you. But it seems to be too late for now.

And the DD and MIL issues are mostly separate, you don’t have to deal with DD if she never comes over (you actually don’t have to have a relationship with your MIL either if she brings only hassle to your life), so I’d focus on the things that really require your energy and try to blank out the rest of it. Focus on your son, your little family. You can’t make your husband a better man or grow a back bone unfortunately, you can protect yourself and your child from the toxic crap from people who don’t bring anything positive to your life.

swingofthings · 01/04/2018 07:24

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.
When did that happen? Surely if she was in the midst of a conversation with your OH with you in the room but not included by choice in that conversation and she asked him how long you'd lived there, since it's your house they moved in to, is it really such a sin that she needed reprimanding?

Raven88 · 01/04/2018 07:39

Maybe she is feeling jealous because her half brother lives with Dad. Did the behaviour get worse when your Son was born? She might feel replaced or that she doesn't get enough attention from her Dad.

Original poster

Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 08:17

Swift that's just one example. Being ignored all weekend isn't particularly pleasant. When we were going out she would turn to my husband and say "is she coming with us" maybe it doesn't sound like much but I found it tiring and horrible.

OP posts:

swingofthings · 01/04/2018 08:24

If it was all the time, yes, I can definitely see how this would make you feel excluded and that's not nice.

Unfortunately, from experience, this is what kids do when they don't like someone. It does seem that she took a dislike to you for whatever reasons and your MIL and your husband to some extent agree with her reasons.

It is what it is, unlikely to change for some time. In a way, you can look at it from another perspective and tell yourself that you are lucky she has made that decision as at least your don't have to have her in your life. You should however continue to be supportive of your OH trying to rebuild his relationship with her.

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