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Step-parenting

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Original poster

My step daughter refuses to stay with us

193 replies

Cherryblossom36 · 31/03/2018 14:04

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 08:30

Yes you are right. I wonder why my mil agrees with her? To be fair I'm a Christian who married her Jewish son so perhaps she uses this to punish me? Who knows!

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 01/04/2018 08:37

Why wouldn’t her Gran mother agree with her? Maybe Gran Ma is protective of her and calling out your behaviour when she was to young too? Maybe she told her Gran mother things that she felt she couldn’t say out loud?

Did you always go on any outside trips when she visited? Also, why would you speak to her about her behaviour. Not your place. Speak to your husband and tell him to reprimand her.

You are coming across quite hostile in this post to be honest and putting the blame on a child.

ablatant · 01/04/2018 08:40

Why are you with this man? I don't get it, I couldn't cope with this nonsense from a husband or his mother.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 08:40

No I disagree. I do not blame the child I blame my husband and manipulative mil. My mil sat looking at the ground whilst my stepdaughter asked me how much money I earned and if I was the "bread winner" or if her dad was. This was from a ten year old.

OP posts:
Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 08:41

Yes I often wonder what I'm doing with him. My life drains me! If it wasn't for my almost four year old I'd probably think differently about the situation.

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 01/04/2018 08:45

Why is the Gran Ma manipulative? Surely she’s just looking out for her grand daughter.

I’d be fuming if I was the Gran mother in this case and that your ‘chat’ has resulted in her not wanting to come to see her dad.

Hellywelly10 · 01/04/2018 08:46

Its normal for teenagers to refuse to stay over night with their fathers. They see each other one to one which is great. I would just try to be kind towards her nomatter what she said in the past.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 08:49

The grandma is manipulative because she's colluding with SDs mother and discussing me and my husband with her over coffee. When my SD says I'm being horrible to her, it is not true. She's making it up and going to her mother who is also jealous that me and my husband are married and have a family unit.

OP posts:
ablatant · 01/04/2018 08:51

I appreciate I'm not in your situation and it's easy to just write words online when you don't have to deal with the fallout, but staying in a relationship "for the kids" is never good, for you or them.

Your husband is never going to change the dynamics with his Mum. You're all just going to get older and older and this stuff will keep grating unless you tackle it.

Are you the kind of person who'd think about couples therapy?

LIZS · 01/04/2018 08:52

And how does he respond? He needs to make it clear that you are part of the family now, like it or not, every time. She was always likely to be more amenable at 9 than 14 but if he can't or won't reinforce this she will just refuse to meet at all. Maybe they could go out without you occasionally. What contact order does he have?

C0untDucku1a · 01/04/2018 08:54

Does she have her own room at your home?

I wouldnt be falling over myself to facilitate a relationship between your husband and his daughter. That’s his job. But never interfer or make it difficult. Which you clearly don't anyway.

What’s he like generally?

headhurtstoomuch · 01/04/2018 08:55

Colluding to achieve what? Maybe they are discussing how they can convince SD to see her dad?

Yes it’s your house, and she shouldn’t be rude to you, but it’s your husband to call her out on it. Please don’t let past anger stop this girl from having a relationship with her dad before it’s too late.

TheLastNigel · 01/04/2018 08:56

But I guess she doesn't HAVE to like you does she? How can anyone 'call anyone out' for not liking another person? sometimes you jut don't. It sounds like it might be half that and half teenage brattiness... either way there isn't much you can do about it. Let your H deal with it, but leave the door open for her if she ever wants to come and be part of your family set up in whatever way...I think that's all you can do...especially with a 14 year old. If someone had told me when I was that age that I had to spend time with someone then it wouldn't have been top of my list of things I wanted to do automatically.
It would be great if everyone got along, but in blended families it's rarely plane sailing and I'm always surprised when people expect it to be.
My dd1 loves my dp. Dd2 isn't so sure-not she says because of anything he's done-he just isn't her cup of tea (and she is bit messed up by her Dads situation as she really doesn't like his girlfriend and I think feels guilty about liking my dp slightly more-it's a heck of a lot for a 10 year old to unpick). All I ask of her is that she is polite to dp. Further than that I hope she will end up liking him at some point. But it's not a given. For his part he treats her the same as dd1 and tries not to get upset when she doesn't engage in the same way.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 08:59

Head hurts what is ironic is that my mil buys my SD loads of gifts but when I said I was worried when SD was crying at our wedding then she told me "oh you don't ask a child why she's crying" "she'll get over it".

OP posts:
headhurtstoomuch · 01/04/2018 09:10

It was your wedding day. Gran Ma was probably dismissing it so not to upset you.

The most important thing is getting the relationship between dad and daughter back on track with small steps including her coming to visit you guys. You mentioned before sending you ds with dad to see her. I wouldn’t. Let her have alone time with her.

Let your husband hear what she has to say but also put forward why you said what you did etc.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/04/2018 09:30

I think you were in your right to tell her it's not polite to ignore you. Her dad clearly wasn't dealing with it, it's your home and she was ignoring you..why should you wait for him to do something when it was you it was directed at?

This expectation that a SM is to say nothing if a SC is rude is harmuful and ridiculous. When a teenager is acting shitty towards anybody they have the right to tell them..teenagers want to be treated as mature and want their views respected..they need to learn in works both ways and their behaviour has consequences.

WhiteCat1704 · 01/04/2018 09:34

Oh and OP..Stay out of it all..let her father rebuild his relationship with her..You will get involved, invested and use your energy on it but they won't thank you for it and it's likely to backfire in some way..
Let HIM deal with her..seriously..
And no contact with your DS till she starts acting decent towards you.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 09:38

I think that my mil has taken charge of the situation between my dh and ds when she was born. In some respects I've taken the place of my mil and she doesn't like it

OP posts:
swingofthings · 01/04/2018 10:46

When my SD says I'm being horrible to her, it is not true
So that's what it comes down to which is not surprising. You say it's not true, but your MIL believes it is, at least to some level, and your OH doesn't fully disagree either. Maybe, just maybe, you don't mean to be unkind but maybe there are small words, small gestures, all those little things that alone are not really meaningful but together might have made your SD feel excluded or targeted.

You can't control others though. Your SD feels you were unkind to her and her mother and your MIL believe her, so you have either the option to try to convince them that your SD is making it all up, or just ignore it. I think the latter is much easier to handle.

Wdigin2this · 01/04/2018 11:12

You need to disengage! If she comes to your house, or you see her at all, don't interact, don't call her out on anything, just be pleasant but distant....think like she's an acquaintance you're not really interested in!
Might not be easy or the right thing for her, but you need to think about you, because your DH clearly isn't!

Bluesmartiesarebest · 01/04/2018 11:13

I think your mil is repeating the pattern of having a favourite child by having a 'golden' grandchild (SD). You need to protect your DS from this bitchy, toxic woman as much as possible.

Your DH is so caught up with feeling guilty about his divorce and how it affects SD he is prepared to see you disrespected and insulted in your own home. You need to detach from it all and concentrate on your DS and DH. Let SD, the ex and MIL stew in their own toxic juices. Your DH can see SD on his own away from your house.

I've been in a similar situation for many years and I found once I started thinking of DH's children as just that and not stepchildren it felt better. I rarely see his children but DH keeps in regular contact and that's what matters.

swingofthings · 01/04/2018 11:24

How does your SD say you are being horrible to her? To be fair, I felt that my SM was horrible to me which led me to really disliking her but she certainly didn't think she was, so it can be a matter of perception.

Original poster
Cherryblossom36 · 01/04/2018 12:39

Last three comments seem massively helpful. I think my husband is riddled with guilt as his ex has three children with three different men and definitely
bitches about us all i front of SD. I suspect my SD hears us being slated and is confused. Yes SD mother and MIl are all toxic and I think my husband gets really down about it. Don't think it excuses his behaviour though. I wish he would man up!

OP posts:
WhiteCat1704 · 01/04/2018 12:55

My SD made up a lot of lies about me to her aunt and uncle(and others). A lot of the stuff she said was pure manipulation..things that happened but with omitting her part in it. In her version she was a complete victim of evil SM and her own dad(but he was manipulated by me). She did nothing wrong, we were picking on her..some of it was really serious stuff as well..for example she brought drugs into our house..we removed privileges and somehow ended up being labelled "tyrants"..

Her aunt and uncle belived my SD and tried to "rescue" her by harrasing us. It turnes out there was an underlying dislike towards me there..My DH took my side. We have 0 contact with them and its a shame for my DH as he thought there were close...
Most interestingly SD told lies about them too..how they shouted at her etc. I can belive they did that but I would like to know why..SD maintains she did nothing but I know her and know games she can play..Nedlees to say they have stopped contact with the SD too!!!!
She is almost 18 now and me and her dad are the only family she has left that she can relay on..we haven't dropped her even though she has caused as a lot of stress with her lies. She is much much better now and I hope we come through the worst. I find her pleasent to be around now and recently she actually said something nice about me to her other aunt..

SC, especially teenagers can by very sly and manipulate the adults..especially if the adults aren't very mature themselves. We should not underestimate how good they can be at it. Especially if their parents don't talk to each other. They lern how to make the most of their situation amd then try it with others...

swingofthings · 01/04/2018 14:02

I totally agree WhiteCat, but such children are usually kids who have no confidence in themselves, who do feel they are thrown from post to post, with everyone more concerned about proving they are right than caring the impact this has on the child.

I worked with teenagers who were made wards of the court, most of them brought up by separated parents, and yes, the vast majority were indeed incredibly manipulative, but that was an outcome of how they felt rather than a symptom. Deep inside, these kids were dying to be loved by their family for who they were but instead felt they were pawns used as excuses for everything problems in the family.

In the end, these children become adults and make their own mind up of who they want to remain in contact with or not.

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