My step daughter refuses to stay with us

[Cherryblossom36]

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

Swing there is a lot of extra info in your post. This stuff about money is quite bad and I get why you don't feel like doing anything for your ex.
In my view though your son is still immature and at a quite selfish age. It MIGHT be that by"forcing" him to be unhappy by seeing his dad and family short-term he will gain long term. By actually having a family. His dad and half-syblings and even step mum are his family and while they can't meet all of his wants/needs now he might have massive benefits in the future...or he might not..who knows..
It's just my view..but you obviously know him best.

I quite often force my DC to do stuff he doesn't want to do..he is a toddler but my god can he cry, scream and pull unhappy faces when I brush his teeth..for me it's more important he has health teeth than his "happiness" in the moment.

Whitecat I absolutely agree with your points. In my situation my SD mother allows my SD to do whatever she wants including not seeing us. A fairly recent time when my husband picked up my SD from her house his ex said "what time are you bringing her back" He jokingly said "whenever she gets bored of me" to which his ex turned to his daughter and said "oh well you'll be back in five minutes then". It's comments like this that damage a child and make them mixed up. I'd have said "have a lovely time see you later" or something positive. I feel sorry for my SD as she hears all these comments from various people in her life.

@Cherryblossom36 Jesus Christ I thing the mother is allowed to make a joke.

A lot of you are talking about controlling her and all the rest of it. She is 14!! Not 4. If the mother says to her "you're going round your dads." And she says "no I'm not." What the hell is the mother supposed to do about it.

And what does forcing her to go round to your house achieve. Like I've said earlier I guarantee she feels UNCOMFORTABLE, second best and just feels much more at ease in her own home with her Mum. It's completely natural.

You all need to get some real problems haha.
The girls has done nothing wrong.

It's not wonder she doesn't want to go round there. For example you said you told her your salary was none of her business. If you treated her like a daughter you'd have just told her fgs. You don't have a mother-daughter relationship which is probably what makes her squirm when you 'calmly' tell her what she can and can't say or do.

God I really wish I could have a chat with her. Her head must be all over the place and she must feel so unsettled

The come back to the joke sounded more like a sly dig then an actual joke

For example you said you told her your salary was none of her business. If you treated her like a daughter you'd have just told her fgs

The op salary is none of her business! If my own kids asked me how much I’m on I’d tell them that they don’t need to worry about money and it’s not a question you ask people!

Yes she probably does feel mixed up. From what my husband said her mothers comment was said in a way to undermine him.

I found asking how much money we earn disgusting to be honest but she only gets it from her mother who is only interested in child support she collects from the three different dads (fourth child on the way with dad number four) so it's no wonder the poor girl only uses her dad for meals etc

Bel telling a child how much money you earn is not appropriate conversation. I mean I'd never ask someone close to me to let me see their wage slip.... because that's not what you discuss!

Thanks Fiji for backing me up on that one!

if your ex never pays child support do you find it easy to not be negative about him infront if your son
If I'd wanted to be negative, I would just have told my kids that they couldn't see their dad because he couldn't be bothered to come to pick them up, or even say that they would now only see him EOW because he couldn't be bothered to do it. I did none of this. It might hard to believe it, but I really hoped that they would have a good relationship with him. My DD did, my DS didn't.

In my view though your son is still immature and at a quite selfish age It is hard to believe, but my son is actually more emotionally mature than my ex! It is because of my ex self-centeredness and inability or unwillingness to accept that it's not because HE was happy in his new recomposed family that DS had to be too that DS desengaged. I saw it and I tried hard to get him to tell his dad how he was feeling, but DS response always was 'I tried mum, but he won't listen and gets angry'. Unfortunately, that's how my ex is indeed, never wants to listen to what he doesn't want to hear.

Yes, his dad, SM and siblings are his family, but that doesn't mean that he has to want to spend time with them when doing so makes him miserable. He does miss his sibling and we try to arrange for him to see them whenever, but he will not go there, and that's that. He is 15, much bigger than me, I certainly can't force him and at this stage, it would have to be physical. He would rather lose his mobile, playstation etc... rather than go, that's how bad it is.

Cheeryblossom, you say that you force your child to do things he doesn't want to do. Would you force your kid to go to swimming lessons with teachers who he didn't gel with at all to the point that he cried every day begging you not to go, hating every moment of it. Would you tell your DC that he just had to accept it because it was good for him and he will continue, with these teachers, until he was 18 whether he liked it or not? Or would you go and at least try to speak with the teachers, and if the teachers said that they were not going to change their ways, and tough if your DC didn't like it, you would just think that it's ok if your child is miserable because it will pay off long term. I doubt it, it feels very different when it's your child in front of you.

If my own kids asked me how much I’m on I’d tell them that they don’t need to worry about money and it’s not a question you ask people!
Exactly. The above sounds like a caring way to explain it, the way OP responded sounded aggressive and unpleasant.

In my experience it is massively damaging to all concerned for a step child to start excluding a parent and / or step parent. Massively damaging in the long term.

I think it’s only okay if there are serious issues. Not if they are fed up, bored, even unhappy. If it’s because they are not comfortable then that’s not a good reason. In fact I’d be treating that as a sign they do need to get over themselves and grow up.

Teenagers are still incredibly young and immature. They often only want to do what suits them. It’s not a good time to make very big decisions about their parents or step parents.

Sure we can give them more say, up to a point. Perhaps they want to see their friends more, do activities, see non resident parent less. No reason that can’t be negotiated. But exclude them from their lives? No way! Only see them without their wife? No way!

What are we teaching them? What effect is that going to have on them for the rest of your life?

@Cherryblossom36 I just feel terrible for this poor girl. I cannot believe the way you talk about her and her mother, making assumptions and being so disgustingly judgemental.

You said she was 10 when she asked you how much money you make. Probably a harmless question from a curious child. Unlikely to be put into her head by her mother. I'm sure she has more important things to do then get her children to go asking questions on her behalf.

You keep making comments about how many fathers there are and number four on the way etc. If you were slagging my mum off that way I'd never speak to you again. It's foul.

I think the girl has made the right decision tbh. You don't seem to understand that she is a human being with feelings. You just want her to play happy families to please you so you can be the bossy step mum you want to be 🙄

Bananas I totally agree with what you are saying x

My 3dc don't want to spend time with their father's gf. They dislike her.

It doesn't help that she was OW & put quite a lot of energy into playing 'family friend' whilst shagging their dad - she made a huge fuss of them, positioned herself as a fun auntie figure & of course when the affair came to light & I LTB, they felt pretty angry & betrayed by her.

She has, to be fair, made it clear that now she & xh are together, she's happy to have nothing further to do with the dc. I don't think she's bothered that they openly dislike her & are coldly polite at best when their paths cross.

Their father, otoh, is constantly complaining that dc aren't keen to play happy families with the new gf. Well, tough.

It wouldn't be in their best interests to force a relationship & everyone but their dad can see it.

I appreciate that OP wasn't OW & hasn't done anything wrong! But this whole 'dc should be forced to accept new family unit' thing is off.

There is no benefit in forcing them into an unwanted relationship with a parent's new partner. Polite is enough. Forcing anything more is just going to drive them away.

OP - honestly, just let dp & sd resolve it. When she's older she's much more likely to concede that you're ok really. & if she still dislikes you despite your backing off - well, that's honestly her choice.

Sounds to me like there’s loads going on in this setup. It simply isn’t a question of ‘SD should fit in’ or ‘I should go to the play to show I support my husband’ to me what stands out is that this SD might be feeling completely torn between both parents, perhaps only seeing her DF when it doesn’t rock the boat with DM. It sounds as though her parents have not put their feelings aside enough to make the SD feel secure and free to have relationships with all the adults. In a situation where the ex won’t talk to the DF and OP it is complete and utter madness to attend the school play. I think the dd’s question about OP’s salary was just an honest question from a young child wanting to go to a dance class. I think all the adults around this SD have contributed to a tense situation where it looks like the SD has all the power but really it’s an absolute mess created by the adults. Her DF has been a passive non parent (lazy and damaging and blinkered) but that seems to me to be only part of the problem.

I think this is a case for family therapy, to be honest. It’s a very long way from being sorted.

In fact I’d be treating that as a sign they do need to get over themselves and grow up
Yes, teenagers need to get over themselves and grow up. Pity that adults can't do the same though. Amazing how when things go wrong, some adults think that it is always the child's responsibility to adapt, change, learn, accept, whilst the adult can continue to be a twat but that's ok because what? They're the adult and such have the status to control everything?

What are we teaching them? What effect is that going to have on them for the rest of your life?
And just on this point? What is it teaching them? That at least ONE parent bothers to listen to their feelings and take them into consideration. That's is totally different to saying yes to everything. DS gets disciplined when he is disrespectful for no good reason, told off when he is lazy, punished if he does something wrong, but when he tells me with tears in his eyes and shivering voice that he really hates going to his dad, that he feels excluded, that he feels he has nothing in common with them, and that despite having tried to speak with his dad, all his dad does is get angry with them, and he tells me that he really really doesn't want to go anymore, I listen and sympathise and even though I try to talk to him about ways that could help make things better, I would never treat my son so badly to say to him that he is wrong to feel the way he does, that his actions are disrespectful and that he will be forced to see his dad or I will take away his playstation because if I did this, he would feel that he hasn't lost a dad but also a mum who is supposed to be listening to him.

It teaches them that there will always be people we might not get along with at school, in the work place, in groups we are part of, but we don't just ignore people or manipulate their fathers by ignoring them to get attention etc. I think people on here speak sense x

I don't think it's about "forcing children to see their fathers". It's about the mother encouraging a positive relationship with their child and not supporting the child when they refuse to go. This gives children far too much power. If the father and SD were beating the child up or abusing them then of course it's ok to say no but to agree they shouldn't go just because the child doesn't like the fact Dad has a new family unit that they can be part of but don't want to be, is ridiculous.

Because you attending her school performance wasn't about you getting attention? Why would possess you to be there when you clearly had no enjoyment at watching her and knew it would deeply annoy her?

You are still missing the point that your SD does not have to spend time with you. You are not bringing anything into her life but sorrow and judgmental attitude. You are nothing like a teacher or an employer. Teachers comes and go and if you don't like your boss, you are free to leave your job.

Why should a mother be forced to make up for the father failure to act as such? I can assure you of one thing, if my son had announced one day that he wanted to go and live with his dad and wanted nothing to do with me, I certainly wouldn't have wallowed in my self-pity and blamed his dad for doing nothing to make him change his mind. I would be wondering what I've done wrong and going right there and refusing to go until I could speak with him and listen to why he felt the way he did.

You come across as a complete dictator and frankly, I'm not surprised your MIL finds you difficult. As Bel said, I too think this child has made the best decision she could for her sanity.

I think you need to appreciate that both you and Bel are basing your viewpoints on your own negative experiences and perhaps you think that this situation is exactly the same. Plenty people on this thread absolutely see where I am coming from.

How do you even know I didn't enjoy the performance? Or that I went to "annoy her". That's not true at all.

to agree they shouldn't go just because the child doesn't like the fact Dad has a new family unit that they can be part of but don't want to be, is ridiculous

So, if your 14 year old goes to his dad’s every other weekend where he is not allowed his phone to text friends, not allowed to meet up with his friends because ‘it will ruin my day’, where the step mother has told him to ‘Fuck off’ for asking her dog’s mess in his room is cleared up, when he is quizzed on my job, how much I am earning, why I don’t drop him off at school every time he sees them.......where do I draw the line? At what point do I say ‘you know what, you don’t need to put up with that shit’. And if I refuse to draw the line and keep saying ‘he’s your dad’, at what point is he going to start resenting me as well? And how ‘good’ is that for him, his development and future? Surely I am teaching him you put up with being treated like shit?

"It's about the mother encouraging a positive relationship with their child and not supporting the child when they refuse to go. "

Practically speaking, you can't force a child to go to contact. What's she supposed to do- manhandle her into the car? I have no problem with my ex and have a 17 year old who refuses to go to contact. It's not the same as having to go to school. If the matter was taken to court, her feelings would be taken into account by a judge. How could any reasonable parent disagree with the legal process that allows competent minors to have their wishes respected?

Your h really needs to sit down with his ex and his dd and find out what's going on. Something is clearly very wrong if dsd is keeping secrets from her mum and keeping her Dad at arm's length.

Not liking Dad's new family unit is a legitimate reason to be insecure and jealous. "Normal" parents spend time and energy reassuring their child when they have a new sibling/situation to cope with and your h has really dropped the ball here. In my experience, being a DisneyDad may have meant fewer arguments and tears in the short term but creates bigger problems in the future. Children need reasonable rules and structure in life and respect adults who provide it. They know that referring to a person in third person is rude and needed their parent say that being unkind is totally unacceptable.

After all this time, the only silver lining is that your child doesn't directly witness the disrespect that she shows towards you. Perhaps you need to focus on that rather than blaming dsd and not the parent(s)

"the child doesn't like the fact Dad has a new family unit that they can be part of but don't want to be, is ridiculous"
Can you really not imagine why a child might prefer their divorced parents to remain single?

Did your h have his second child after becoming estranged with his first? Why didn't he sort out the relationship with dsd before ttc?

@Cherryblossom36 you're saying I've had one negative experience. Both my mother and father have had partners and some have been better than others. However I didn't feel close or completely at ease around any one of them.

And what are you going on about, teaches them to accept people they don't like in the workplace etc. At work you tolerate moronic people cause you have to. When you go home that's when you should be with people you love and are relaxed with. If the poor girl is stressed at school all day putting up with nasty kids then last thing she wants is to come 'home' and out up with you. No one can deal with that stress 24/7 and no one should have to. Just leave her be. And please stop attacking her mother. The way you talk about her is sickening. You probably hardly know the woman. What's the longest time you've spoken? 10 minutes?