My step daughter refuses to stay with us

[Cherryblossom36]

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

cherry I don’t think there is much you can do.

My ex son hated me when it was actually me that facilitated every thing, decorated his room ect... in the end I just with drew and he stopped visiting his dad and I got the blame.

Truth was - his father handled shit really badly. He was very passive and no proactive at all in actuslly parenting.

None of this is your fault by the way or your poor ds OR your mil OR SD it’s your dh fault. He has obviously handled this situation shit.

What he should have done when issues started was look for professional advice. Read books that discussed these issues or looked for family councilling. Family break ups are devoststing to children, even if they appear fine.

But I bet he just stick his head in the sand and ignored the shit storm brewing. Now he chooses to send weak texts asking her to see him - knowing full well she will refuse. It actually makes his life easier whilst you and his mum get the blame.

The ONLY thing you can do to stop yourself going insane is back off and disengage. I’d completely tell your dh he has failed you all massively. That he needs to book himself AND her in to family councilling before her future esteem is totally fucked up.

A weak father often leads to girls choosing dreadful partners in life. He really needs to get his shit together

Quiet life you describe the situation absolutely as it is. My DH texted her last week saying we were all going out s a family today and would she like to come. She ignored him for a few days. Yesterday he texted to say- did you decide about Monday? Still no reply. But you are right, if she doesn't reply he knows he's avoiding a stressful day out if she does come. Last time he saw her a month or two ago on his own she texted him after he said "do you want to have lunch". Her reply was "yes, I like food".

Her disrespect is absolutely because he has allowed her to call the shots and use him. I'm only scared as she gets older she's going to be coming over when she needs money or a car or anything really and because he's so keen to please and passive he will do whatever she says. Maybe I'm worrying about nothing, I mean that's years in the future!

How difficult is it to say to her "this is my wife and I'd like you to be more respectful please". No shouting just to calmly say this but he just turns a blind eye and takes no responsibility hence to my dh and mil I'm a terrible person.

What QuietLife said. You haven't done anything wrong. Her father (like my ex) has let things drift and that makes things harder to fix. He should have sorted this at the time but like a lot of DisneyDads, he's stuck his head in the sand and assumed that it would sort itself out. Her Dad has created a new dynamic where their relationship is about going out so yes, I'd expect money and car requests to come in the future.

Jaime that's what I'm dreading and also when we aren't around anymore will she bully my son? I think I'm over worrying about this but sometimes I feel helpless!

cherry that will happen and then one day she will just say ‘your shit go away’

I have an incredibly weak father who kept moving on and making kids.

Try to look at her has an incrediblely mixed up child. She will have people whispering in her ear and she will automatically lean towards them. She is a child and easily manipulated. It really isn’t her fault or yours.

I’d have a frank and honest chat with your dh, maybe buy some recommended booked on dealing with children through a break up because even though it was a long time ago he will see what he didn’t do. Then 100% go for councilling just him and her.

This rift will defanatly influence her adult life and she didn’t ask for any of it. As her parent he needs to fix this mess

Cherry I know this is hard to hear, but posters on here saying, she doesn't have to like you, are right! In the short term, at least, you'll have to accept him taking his DD out, for meals, school stuff etc without you and your DS. However, as I've said, when you do meet, he should at least insist she is not rude to you!
He is being a DisneyDad for the same reason as most divorced dads do...he feels guilty he's not in his child's life 24/7, and consequently is scared of losing her completely, if he doesn't just roll over and do what she wants!
Try for a while anyway, to distance yourself from the situation, if he does see her just say, hope you both enjoyed the outing, and leave it at that. Don't bring the subject of his DD up, unless he does....basically take the pressure of him for a while, see how that goes! Good luck!

Yes I think we all just want an ideal situation really. It's hard when your mil who hates the fact you aren't Jewish uses your SD as a porn. Seriously we arrived at my mother in laws one afternoon and she says to my SD you take him (my six month old son!) upstairs to play. I said no I want him away from the stairs I case he falls at which point my mil looks at my SD, rolls her eyes and then then go off whispering about it and laughing. Hmmmm. Fair enough I don't have to expect a good relationship with my SD but when my MIL makes a big deal about me not being included then that isn't on really.

No I agree with you, your MIL sounds to be quite rude, which is never acceptable! You may be right about the you not being Jewish thing, but there you go, unless you convert there's not a lot you can do there! But your DH chose to marry you, he should at least have the gumption to ensure his DM understands, he won't tolerate rudeness to his wife....from anyone!

I do find it quite manipulative that my SD refuses to see my DH and ignores his messages and texts. It feels like she's playing games to control and play with his feelings. Maybe I'm being controversial
And she probably thought it was manipulative and game playing of you to show up at her play and she's not responding to her father's message because she is very angry with him that she didn't tell you it was better not to come.

Do you not think if important for SC to realise that their father and other children are a unit that SC can't decide?
This is exactly what my ex would say. He has always imposed his unit to my kids. My daughter has embraced that unit, my son hasn't. What he needed was his dad. The problem is that his dad more or less to me, it's all of us or nothing. My son chose nothing and my ex now cries to everyone that he doesn't understand why his son has rejected him. It's not my son being manipulative, he just doesn't enjoy his time with his dad's family and at 14, ie. a selfish age, he doesn't want to make the effort and rather spend his time with people he feels comfortable with.

At our church they have said that we are a family unit and she is welcome to be part of that but because she wants it just to be her and her dad she can't divide and rule
That's all very well when they are little and can choose, it doesn't work any longer when they are old enough to do so.

My DH texted her last week saying we were all going out s a family today and would she like to come
That was the stupidest thing to text her! and he expected a response? All his actions are screaming 'you won't have any individual time with me, if you want a relationship with me, you have to accept everyone else' when she is desperately trying to tell him that she wants to spend time with him only. What response did he expect? No thank you dad, but do text me again when you offer to do things only you and I? Or maybe 'thanks dad, I'm really grateful you are inviting me to a family gathering that I have no interest in, but I'll make the effort to come just to make you happy'. The fact that the latter is not her response does not make her disrespectful.

Your OH needs to wake up and realise that unless he starts to listen to what his daughter is trying to tell him, he is about to lose her the same way my ex has lost our son for the unforeseeable future.

To be fair swing of things he does text to meet up just the two of them, that was just an example of a recent message. He took her out for lunch in January and he said she didn't really speak to him but also that her mother kept phoning her asking where she was so it looks like she hadn't told her Mum she was with her Dad. Her mum wasn't happy they were meeting up either.

If she wants to meet up on her own that ok with me but there isn't a pattern of her ignoring my husbands texts dependent on whether we are all going out for the day or whether they are going out alone.

Also if there's a family event with my mil and sil am I meant to stay at home whilst my husband takes our son along? That seems crazy!

As an aside it is my husband who gets annoyed with me if I choose not to go to her school events etc In my thinking whether she likes me or not, surely it isn't up to my SD to dictate whether I go or not? I'll make sure I don't go to anymore if it would make her happier x

Your H could do a LOT more to improve his relationship with his DC - and to address his ex’s unhelpful behaviour. That would also help you. Eg family counselling, meeting his ex to discuss things, talking it all through with his DD and seeking to agree regular contact arrangements (probably 1:1 in the short term, given the poor state of their relationship).

Your H is being very U to get annoyed with you for not attending school stuff: he’s clearly not thinking about his DD’s best interests.

And yes, she should get to decide who attends school events.

The ex definitely doesn't help. On one occasion I said to my SD that her Dad would love to come to her theatre performances as she's part of s group and she had only been inviting my mil. I said it nicely and had good intentions.

As soon as she got home her mother was in the phone to my DH saying that I had made my SD feel so bad about herself and that she had been crying and so upset.

I mean talk about ridiculous! I know other posters have said don't blame the ex but she behaves like a child and I believe talks negatively about my husband and also about me too.

Op - you don’t have to put up with you dh taking your son and step daughter out together, if she can’t respect you then she doesn’t get to spend time with her step brother. End off.

Her disrespect is absolutely because he has allowed her to call the shots and use him. I'm only scared as she gets older she's going to be coming over when she needs money or a car

Tell her no, she can’t treat everyone like shit and then decide she wants money in the future. It doesn’t work like that.

You have done nothing wrong here.

It's really interesting to read everyone's perspectives. Some people saying she has to respect us all and others that it's fine to not want me around and it's about her and my husband and son. I think the situation is made worse by a mil that wants to be in the centre of it all controlling it.

It’s not your place to guilt trip your SD into inviting her dad/your H to things. He should have spoken to his DD and/or her mother directly.

Your church are wrong IMO.

This young woman who has been through difficulties (presumably) wants a relationship and some regular time (alone) with her father, and not to be a regular visitor to HIS “family unit” which she, for whatever reason, doesn’t currently identify with or want to be part of. It’s not ideal but he could spend a reasonable amount of time with her alone, and hope that in time their relationship will improve or her feelings change such that she wishes to spend time with her small half brother, and you.

One of my kids has their Dad on mute. This means that they only see his messages if they go to the main messages page. I know that the other never replies to his messages quickly. They want to check things like are their sibling going before committing to seeing their Dad out of normal contact. If they were texting me then they could be honest and say that they weren't sure or that they were waiting to see if they got a better offer but we are on better terms than their Dad and them.

I find it worrying that she didn't tell her mum that she was meeting her Dad. That makes me wonder if she blocks Dad on her phone so no notifications come up or she can only commit to seeing him extra if she can go out without her mum knowing. I'm not saying that the mum is at fault here but there seems to be a lot of communication needing to be had. Perhaps she'd feels guiltier declining the invite than pretending that she didn't see the original text?

Maybe I try to make up for my husbands lack of assertiveness with her as I have to live with him being upset at home on a daily basis! As an aside should he be going round to the exes house for dinner etc as this is something early on in our relationship she started asking him to do. Think she got annoyed he refused and started bad mouthing him to his SD too.

Very likely your SD WAS upset by you asking her to invite her dad to things. Many DC with blended families find things like that stressful.

The problem isn’t your MiL, it’s your H. He could seek to improve things with his DD, his ex.

As for DD asking for money in future, that’s cynical and unkind of you. Your H should provide whatever financial support to his DD that you and he can afford and is fair with regards to both DD and your DS . Any financial support should not depend on her “playing ball” and “respecting” (complying) the “family unit”. It’s not “pay per view”. He is the adult:the problems in his relationship with his DD are at least partly down to him.

Jaime my husband suspects for whatever reason that his daughter only replies when her mother isn't around. Eg at Christmas she got the bus to her grandmothers house and asked him to pick her up from there. He can't work out why she would do that. Maybe she's scared of her mum or her mum gets angry at her for seeing him?

Dozer in relation to asking for money, I meant more that I was worried she would be disrespectful and only come over when she wanted money. I don't think I would be happy giving money that wasn't appreciated and was expected.

She should be polite and respectful to you but I don't blame her if that the amount is similar to what she'd offer a stranger on the street.

If your son and dsd were living under the same roof then there would be lots of times that they'd be doing things with just one parent- especially because of the big age gap. I would also bet that it would be you looking after your son and him looking after his daughter because each child would prefer their biological parent over the step parent. My children don't have a big gap and I'm a single parent but create one on one time for all of my kids who positively enjoy it.

I think the main issue is that it's become an unspoken battle of wills. You keep referring about her 'dictating', you say it's your OH who insists that you go, why to prove a point?

Indeed, at the moment, the power, if there is such a thing, is in her hands, but that doesn't mean that this is what she wants. Her not coming any longer has probably been coming for quite some time, it's just that your OH and maybe you or not have not seen it coming. Your SD is probably emotionally torn part, one minute still wanting to try to rebuild her relationship with her dad, and the other minute, when once again he acts by showing that it's all of you or nothing, she just reacts by wanting nothing to do with him.

I don't think you are doing anything wrong, it's your OH who is by still trying to hang on to his perfect family where you adore his DD and she adores you and your son. By hanging on to what suits him, he is about to lose his DD for some time if not for good. She's sending his signals and he is refusing to see them. In the end, he will probably be more hurt of losing touch with her than she will be.

That example of you talking about how her dad would love to come to see her performance probably came across as accusatory and trying to make her feel guilty. This is exactly what my ex and his partner did with my DS. It was all those little things said that made him feel bad about himself and why for at least 12 months, he continued to go there although he hated going. I could see the pattern of him getting more grumpy as the week-ends came about, but didn't put two and two together. It's actually this feeling that he was made to feel guilty for how he felt that made him to decide to cut all contact. When he did, he became so much happier again, it was as if a large weight had been taken off his shoulders. It was a huge relief for him.

t's really interesting to read everyone's perspectives. Some people saying she has to respect us all and others that it's fine to not want me around and it's about her and my husband and son
There is no right or wrong views, it's about the outcome of these perspectives. If your OH wants to stick to the attitude that it's him with you and DS or nothing, then he has to be prepared that she will opt for nothing. If he is fine with losing his DD because he wasn't prepared to try to listen to what she might want rather than what he wants, than that's his choice of course.

Or perhaps her Dad (and mum) should have organized counseling at the time of the split so she could discuss stuff like this to a neutral person who wouldn't tell her parents?

It sounds like she needs an adult ally. My kids felt a lot of guilt after my split with ex when they shouldn't have felt any but they had siblings that they could talk to which probably helped.