My step daughter refuses to stay with us

[Cherryblossom36]

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

As an aside issue why do you think that when I don't go to SD school plays etc her mother is all over my husband making sure they sit together, but if I occasionally go she blanks him and me too. Like we aren't really there! What's that all about?

If she wants to see her Dad without you and DS least it's a start.

Should adults really allow a child to dictate meeting up with her Dad alone and without me and my son?
It's not a battle, not about who should/shouldn't dictate, it's about a daughter/father relationship going down the pants, with your OH miserable and your SD missing out on her dad. Do you actually miss her that you want to meet with her or it is to make a statement that it's her dad and you or nothing?

It will be one year since my son stopped seeing his dad. He was 14. It is not what I want at all and it's breaking my heart for him (and even my ex to an extent) but I understand exactly his reasons. I saw wish he could speak with his dad, but as my DS said over and over, his dad won't listen but tell him what he expects of him. I guess like you, he doesn't think his son should 'dictate' what happens, but what it comes down to is that my son has some issues that my ex won't want to hear because it doesn't fit within the family dynamics he has imposed on him.

I think your SD's mother suggestion is very sensible. It doesn't have to be every week-ends, it could be every other week-ends for a few hours.

her mother is all over my husband making sure they sit together Shocking that two parents could seat next to each other to watch their kids performance. Is that why you go? Your SD is probably old enough now to understand the reason for you being there.

Swing I'd be happy to sit with her mother to be honest but she blanks both me and my husband if I go which is not all the time. My point was wondering why my husbands ex also ignores him if I go. Like she is making some kind of point to him.

I do find it quite manipulative that my SD refuses to see my DH and ignores his messages and texts. It feels like she's playing games to control and play with his feelings. Maybe I'm being controversial.

SD can't spend a whole weekend with her dad without you or DS there. The ex can't have it both ways, either SD has a weekend in your home or she sees her father away from the house. My DH had similar demands from his ex which were politely refused.

It is rude of SD to not reply to texts from her father which is why he should limit the level of communication to once or twice a week.

Yes it's really rude and she only seems interested when there's a meal out or Christmas etc

She MIGHT grow out of it...your DH needs some self respect and as suggested before stop texting her..she will be enjoying all the attention and drama..don't engage, leave her to it, she will get in touch when she needs something (my SD at that age was pulling similar shit with her dad-before living with us-..eventually he started ignoring her rudness and stopped contacting her..it didn't take long for her to start contacting him with requests for money etc. )

Whitecat my DH doesn't seem to be affected by the drama and attention seeking in that he is just so desperate for her to get in touch with him that he puts ups with the rudeness and bad treatment of me and to some extent my DS. This has always been the case since we got married. Maybe his guilt?

It’s difficult. Just because her DF married someone else, it doesn’t mean she has to like that person. The reason for the dislike isn’t necessarily because you’re with her DF. My DCs dislike their Dfs partner, but only because they say she’s not a nice person. They were really keen to get to know her and form a bond with her initially, but they’ve just never warmed to her. My xh has played it well, as he sees the DCs alone and takes them out regularly. To be honest it isn’t mandatory that they have to form a relationship with his partner; more important to retain a bond and a relationship with their DF.

Do you not think if important for SC to realise that their father and other children are a unit that SC can't decide? Just thinking about this.

I don’t think it needs to be looked at like that. You can have two family units running alongside each other. My sister was in a similar position as you. She eventually backed off and left her DH to arrange time with his dd independently, and it works fine for them. She doesn’t stress now or get involved in issues relating to her dsd; just leaves it to the parents. Teens don’t necessarily want to spend an entire day with a parent, so if he takes her out for lunch or to the pictures for a couple of hours during the week or at the weekend, would it impact too much on your time with your DH? In my experience teens don’t enjoy sitting in the house on the sofa with their parents for any length of time, and prefer doing grown up things like going out for meals or to the pictures, hence why your dsd jumps at the chance of eating out with her DF. I guess with blended families there is always a compromise to be made.

My children see their Dad without his gf (who was ow) there. She visits her elderly parents when the kids stay over. In our case, the kids made an ultimatum and their Dad rolled over and complied. Ex has been with his gf for 7 years and kids haven't seen her for 3 of those years. He's asked a couple of times if they'd be willing to allow her to stay but they've all said no.

One of my kids went NC with their Dad a year ago. He hasn't told his Dad "why" because communication is terrible between the kids and their Dad despite them all having mobile phones which means privacy. Disney Dad won't listen or discuss anything heavier than what's for dinner. To the kids' eyes, it seems that he won't allow anything to jeopardize his relationship with his gf so no point in telling him what they emotionally need from him. In my case, I think it's too late for him to blend things and he needs to stick it out until the youngest leaves school (6 years ish) I think that your case might be the same too. Your h should see sd on his own imo. It's not the best thing for your h or you (the adults) but sd (the child) will benefit from this.

Not really surprising she doesn’t reply to her father’s messages when her relationship with her father is poor and she doesn’t wish to see you.

Why when your SD dislikes you would you attend any of her school things?!

Dozer even though she doesn't like mean does it mean I should not take any interest in her?

I think I've taken from this post that because my SD wants things to be how they were before her father met me and got married, then I should just allow her to not accept me or the fact he got married- and pretend things are just how they used to be. Imagining I don't exist because she wants her parents to be together? Just doesn't seem a healthy way of dealing with things to me.

It was not kind to “show interest” by attending things at her school.

How much contact did she have with her father over his years of being a parent before he dated / moved in with you?

She used to see him every other weekend. Same when we dated. As soon as we were married it all changed. My husband asked me to come along to support her to begin eat. Should I decline next time and he should just go with his ex? Still don't get why the ex has never ever spoken to me. She has always blanked me from early on in our relationship and if I am anywhere with my husband. I find that very odd.

Behind eat should be "to be honest"!

I know I'm always lovely to my SD when she's been to see us. She told her Dad early on that she really liked me but for some reason after the wedding ceremony she hates me and I think my husband.

You going to see her at school events probably antagonises the situation as she doesn’t want you there. You seem like you would really like for everything to be great and your dsd to love you and want you in her life, and obviously why wouldn’t you? But teens are difficult with their own parents, so a step parent is always going to have a difficult time getting them onside. All you can hope for in this situation is that your dsd eventually wants to get to know you but you might have to wait for her to come to you, and meantime maybe let her form her own bond and relationship with her DF.

Thank you for the advice. It's hard to know what to do when some people have said to me she is a child and needs to "fit in" with us as a family unit and she can't have the power to dictate the terms on which she sees her father. At our church they have said that we are a family unit and she is welcome to be part of that but because she wants it just to be her and her dad she can't divide and rule. I just don't know what to think to be honest hence my dilemma!

Ps it seems to be the ex who doesn't want me at school events to be honest

Look, I've always had a great relationship with my stepdaughter, known her since she was 3, but this year she has informed her dad she will come once a month, if she feels like it. She's 13, it's just what they're like. She hates me, I'm the Gothel to her imagined Rapunzel. I say horrible things like "SD, put the sweets away, we're having lunch in 45 minutes".

She likes me when she was little, maybe she will like me again when she's an adult, but right now she snubs me and her dad like she's being paid to.

It's hard.