My step daughter refuses to stay with us

[Cherryblossom36]

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

Swing the issue is that it's incredibly hard to love somebody who lies about you and plays games that affect your life. Natural parents struggle, step parents who often get most of those childrens anger directed at them stand no chance.

I don't know what the solution is. In the ideal world parents and step parents should be able to communicate, put their feeling/issues aside and do everything with childs best interest in mind. But it doesn't work like that. Bitter EXes, poisoinong childrens minds against the other parent, projecting own issues onto your child, loyality conflicts etc...that damages those children and in extreme cases makes them very very hard to even like..let alone love..

From a step parents perspective we need to be aware and protect ourselves if necessary. In most cases we haven't messed those kids up. Our partners and their exes did and they are the ones who stand a chance at making it better.

Or the SC grow up and have to fix themselves.

Yes I agree that my husbands ex says stuff to her whether overtly or whether conversations are overheard etc I'm not sure. When I had my child my SD came over and said in front of my husband and MIl "are you on full pay at the moment" "how much money do you earn". This was when she was ten years old. Also when my little boy was born my husbands ex started asking for £50 more per month. My husbands response to her was that because I was off work on maternity leave then he wouldn't be able to. I was angry at his response because rather than tell her that HE wasn't able to pay extra then it felt like I took the blame to get him off the hook.

do you know what your husband sounds like a bit of a dick.

In the first place, when your SD used to say stuff like 'is she coming with us?' he should have pulled her up, but he didn't , and she got away with being bloody rude.

then he was using you as an excuse to not pay more for his other child?

MN cliché but you don't have a stepchild problem...etc etc

A dick or is riddled with guilt that his daughter isn't living with us and we have a nice life and live as a family unit perhaps?

its not the point.

He should have taught his daughter some bloody manners. It's a reflection on him, tbh.

anyway doesn't his daughter 'live as a family unit'?

Dull and old you say exactly what my mum says and I totally agree. What she has started doing now is ignoring his texts to meet up with him UNLESS he says "shall we go for a pizza" in which case she says "yes I like going out for food". Makes me cringe that he allows her to treat him like dirt but as my mum says he has taught her no manners or respect for others too.

His daughter lives in quite a chaotic house from my understanding. The mother is single and her three children have three different dads so to some extent coordinating everything must be difficult. When my SD was younger and she got on with me she mentioned "sometimes I don't think my mum
Wants me around". Her mother seems to be keen to socialise and not take her kids on day trips etc like most families do. This is why she perhaps threatened by us all?

well perhaps not much 'threatened' as a wee bit jealous.
Honestly listen to your mother.
Your DH has not taught his daughter any manners, so it's hardly surprising she is bloody rude to you and now also to him.
Also it sounds as though she may have heard some pretty inappropriate conversations.
I mean you have to pity her really, but she should have been taught some manners at least.

Yes dull and old you have hit the nail
on the head. Why on earth wouldn't you teach your kid manners? I think her mother lets her just do her own thing as she's just left to her own devices. It scares me that she going to grow up and get even worse!

I really feel for you Cherry this situation must be so wearying!
Have you ever tried to talk quietly with your DH, about how you feel, when his DD is so rude to you? Will he even listen?
It's quite clear that you have a DSD's parents problem, if her home life is chaotic, it's her DM's fault for not providing a secure environment, and her DF's fault for not having involved himself more in her life, right from the start. But as I said, none off it is your problem, so I suggest that the next time she's rude to you, simply look at her and say......when you're ready to speak to me civility, I'll respond, however until then, please don't speak to me at all! Leave it at that, and physically remove yourself from her presence, I did it ablong time ago, never a problem since!

Super advice thank you x

It's hard work and especially as my mil who already dislikes me because I'm not Jewish,uses her granddaughter as a porn playing favourite etc

To be honest OP, you seem more concerned about yourself than the impact this has on your DH. How does he feel about the fact that his DD isn't bothered to talk to him or see him much? What is he doing to try to rebuild their relationship? Has he ever taken your DS with him when he's gone to meet with her? Does she want to see your DS?

My husband feels utterly miserable about it. He has texted her twice this weekend and called her to meet up this week but she doesn't reply. He gets frustrated she ignores him and doesn't really know what to do. We went to see her perform in her school show this week the same night her mother went but the mother also ignored us when we went to say hello.

How upsetting for all concerned, but really he's going to have to take control back, I mean does he leave a message when she doesn't answer the phone.....like, hi DD, I'm ringing to ask if you'd like to meet up, when you you're ready to speak ring me and let me know! And leave it at that!
As I said earlier, you need to back out of the whole thing, but he really should be pulling her up when she's rude to anyone!

Yes he leaves messages and texts most days. I'm not being horrible when I say she only ever really shows interest and responds is at Christmas and her birthday in December. Even when she ignores him he chases and chases rather than saying "I'm here when you need me, contact me when you are ready". I guess it's up to him how to get her to see him but she doesn't seem interested at the moment.

Your posts are not without judgement....three children by three fathers, family unit (or lack of).....you believe mum is the problem? Maybe consider the words that are spoken/unspoken in her father’s home, your body language, faces pulled. It is easy to blame others rather than considering one’s own actions. Children are far more aware than we realise sometimes. I know my own facial expressions give me away sometimes when I really don’t mean them to and I know ‘cos my children’s face will change and they’ll say ‘what’s up mummy?’ and I realise I’ve pulled my face in response to something they’ve said about the ex. Neutral is very hard to achieve, which ever side of the fence you might sit on.

It is perfectly possible to live in chaos and be happy with your somewhat mismatched siblings and a mum who is looking for love. There is nothing fundamentally wrong with that. It is often forgotten by new partners and the ex that their relationships are facilitated by the ex having the children (often 12/14 nights), freeing up their new boyfriend for staying over, late nights and just general fun. Yet when a single mum wants to pursue a relationship, she is accused of palming children off, not putting them first etc.

I am not accusing, you sound like you really care and would like things to improve. I just think it sometimes isn’t as black and white as we want to believe.

I could have written your post myself OP! It’s actually really hurtful. I swallowed that hurt for a long time but I now realize how nasty it was. My DSD was very rude about me and would also talk about me in the third person. And she lived with me full time! For years!

She moved out to her mothers and has refused to see her Dad with me or her half brother. Because I asked her not to be rude. Once. Only once. Politely. So I totally get where you are coming from.

It’s very damaging to relationships all around. A big part of my current break up is due to DSDs actions. I would actually not be happy about your son seeing her without you. I’ve acquiesced to this. However it drives this wedge deeper and deeper and it will not be good for you.

My only advice is do not try to fix her or this. Take care of you, DH and DS as number one. Fight against division by not supporting DH seeing her on his is but do keep reminding DH that she is always welcome in the house but of course she needs not to be rude. She will divide you otherwise.

Bananas I'm sorry you are also going through this awful stressful situation. I've explained to my husband I think it's better to all meet as a family unit but the atmosphere can be so tense so it's a difficult situation. It seems the only pleasant way for everyone is for my husband to see her on his own. I hope you sort your situation out too xx

Well, Cherry you've answered your own question, if the only way for DH to see his DD is by taking her out on her own....so be it!
As has been said, you can't fix this, so all you can do us continue with your family life, and, if she does visit your home, you must insist her DF ensures she is at least polite in your presence....even if she's silent!
As for her DF ringing her everyday, and getting no response, that's just ridiculous, I would ring once, maybe twice a week asking how she is, offering to see her, but then leave the ball in her court for the rest of he week!

Unfortunately, nothing your DH does in future will help SD be part of a blended family, because he has allowed this situation to go on for far too long. He should have corrected her behaviour from the first time she was rude or unpleasant by actually parenting his child when necessary. He has made the choice to allow her to become a nasty brat by being passive.

The best thing you can do is let DH meet up with SD on his own in a way that suits you. When I faced a similar situation I insisted that DH was around for Christmas, birthdays, Mother's Day etc. Once you and DH have got your heads around it all you can talk about how it can work. In the same conversation you could mention that you also wish to limit contact with MIL because why on earth should you spend time with someone who is so vile to you? Decide with DH how much you and your DS should put up with his mother. Is moving further away a possibility?

I agree with wdigin - DH needs to limit the calls and texts. Most teenagers wouldn't want to communicate every day!

We went to see her perform in her school show this week the same night her mother went but the mother also ignored us when we went to say hello.
I think you have your explanation here why she's not responding. She doesn't like you so probably didn't want you there. She was probably hoping her dad would come... without you.

Did you really need to be there? It's things like this that can make all the difference.

He should have corrected her behaviour from the first time she was rude or unpleasant by actually parenting his child when necessary. He has made the choice to allow her to become a nasty brat by being passive
If the girl doesn't like OP, the above would have made no difference at all, the girl would still have opted not to go over their house. What he should have done is either try to understand why she didn't like OP and see if something could be worked on, or accept that fact and build a relationship with her without feeling that he needed to involve OP.

Yes it seems to have gone on far too long to be easily fixed. Should adults really allow a child to dictate meeting up with her Dad alone and without me and my son? Just wondering what people's response are! Her mother said that SD should spend her weekends with her Dad and then reintroduce me and my son back into their relationship. To me this seemed divisive to be spending every weekend doing this.