My step daughter refuses to stay with us

[Cherryblossom36]

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

Bel I've heard the mother shouting down the phone at my husband when she isn't getting the extra money she's wanting and also at my sd telling her that she had better "not start" when she gets home because her little sister is playing up.

I think the post needs to end now. I don't agree with anything you have said in relationship to my situation but I'm genuinely sorry for the awful time you sound like you've had.

I agree many posters are getting very agitated. And quite aggressive and nasty towards you OP which I don’t feel is warranted. Concentrate on your home being open and welcoming to step kids but a place where it isn’t on to ignore others.

Honestly. Your SD doesn't much care for you, & at 14, she does get to call it.

You don't have to like the fact that you can't oblige her to take part in happy families, & I get that it's annoying, but all you can do is be civil & expect the same.

Her relationship with her father is a separate thing. I'd be expecting him to demand of her that she isn't rude to you. But she really, really shouldn't be expected to like you or hang out with you.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on
Cherryblossom, this is what you wrote in your first post. At the time, I gave you the benefit of the doubt. Your subsequent posts and especially the ones from yesterday made me see why your MIL would believe you are horrible to her GD.

In the end, I do agree with you, who cares what strangers like me think of your situation, however, you do have a MIL who seems to think that you are creating, or at least encouraging the situation, a SD who won't come to see her dad because of you, wants nothing to do with your son, and even your OH doesn't seem to back you up, at least not all the time.

Maybe they are all wrong and you are a perfect SM, but maybe you could reflect on some of your actions and do wonder whether you could have done things differently. Do you really honestly think that you going to that performance was the right thing to do under the circumstances?

@Cherryblossom36 I'll respect your decision to end post here but I do quickly want to say that just for the sake of this girl and her wellbeing I think you should strongly reconsider your approach. I haven't had what I'd call bad experiences. They weren't abusive people. I just didn't want to live with them. And that's not a crime.

I really really hope you can be a bit more kind towards the ex partner and daughter of your partner. So she shouts and makes jokes that sting and the daughter asks questions any kid would ask.....

They sound like pretty normal people to me ngl. Just try put yourself in her shoes for a bit. Your partner comes home one night with a friend from work and says "this is my close friend Mark."
At this point you were in your PJs watching TV with a glass of wine and your completely thrown off. So you have to act happy happy even tho your tired "oh hi Mark etc etc. Let me make you up a bed on the sofa..."
Then your OH turns around, "oh well actually Mark was just gonna crash in my room, the rugby is in tonight blah blah blah..."
Might sound a bit far fetched but this is how you entering into your OHs life made this girl feel :(

SDs - delightful creatures.

I met my DH long after he had spit from his EW.

We have daughters the same age, they were both 6 at the time.

His daughter was trained to hate me, by her mother, Her mother was already in a relationship and was pregnant at the time.

For the first four years, the SD was used as a lethal weapon. It got so bad that we jumped ship and moved 200 miles away to be near my family. Crime of the century.

In that first four years, DH was only allowed to see his DD when certain rules were applied to by him. His DD was trained to report ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that we said and did. It was then used as a weapon.

In that 4 years he saw he 7 times, even though we all lived within half a mile.

So we moved.

I then became 'the other woman' who had split their marriage up and stole her dad.

DH drove 400 miles each way, once a month, to see her. That lasted one year.

She very occasionally agreed to stay with us, for Easter or Christmas. It was a living nightmare.

All direct contact stopped when she was 18. Her choice. She is now 28.

My DH has NEVER changed his mobile phone number, still has her on FB (think she has forgotten that). Through FB he knows that she has a fabulous career, is married, with a DD of her own.

He walked my DD down the aisle, and is DGD to our GC.

But he would give the world to have contact with her. He never stopped trying and he never will.

You moved 200 miles away. No wonder she never saw her dad. Last time I bother trying to get through to you people.

Joanna I totally see what you mean by "trained". My SD got on really well with at first. I believe my mil was jealous of our relationship. For example I posted a photo of us baking cakes into Facebook and my mil wrote "oh I remember when we used to do that". My friends all said it was a definite jealous dig. And when we are all together my mil would roll her eyes at my SD if I said anything my mil didn't agree with and they'd both smile.

Totally with you Joanna that children can be used as tools for people to get what they want which is terrible xx

Third parties interfering with an already fragile and difficult relationship can be the worst thing..your MIL sounds like she is doing you or SD no favours.

We had that with SDs aunt. And with her own mother too of course...She has been saying to SD since we started seeing each other and she realized it was serious that her dad doesn't care about her(SD) anymore, that he has me so he abandoned her..that I don't want her around..all of that was major BS based on nothing..but SD was 12 and it was her mum..I wonder how much of our issues were created be poison that women fed her own child...
One incident stands out..I booked a day experiance for my OH as a birthday gift for him..I invited SD to come..I did that cause OH loves her and I thought he would be happy if we could have a fun day all together..
We had a really really nice experiance..Couple of weeks later I found out ex was trying to prevent SD from going, she told her I only wanted her around to "show off" what gift I got her dad and for her to feel silly..ehh..
I didn't know it on the day and while the actual experiance I only bought for OH I also added one for SD when we were there...she loved it..I just watched them as it wasn't my thing..I was double glad I did it when I found out what the ex has been saying..

Some mothers are poison..they really don't care about their children and just want to create drama..
My SD mum has upped her game when I got pregnant. She was telling SD she was going to be replaced now and when I gave birth and had to stay in hospital for 3 days she told her she is not our(Dh, me, newborn ds) family as she wasn't welcome in hospital with us..My DH, I love him, didn't tell me what the ex was saying when I was in hospital recovering from traumatic birth. SD was the first one to meet DS after I brought him home..
Later ex told SD we now only want her around so she will take care of our baby for us..and that her dad dislikes her because he always wanted a boy( he really didn't)..and other nonsense like that..fun times..

Whitecat that sounds so stressful for you. From what I've read it's so important to protect you and your child from all of this.

My SD mother and my mil are all threatened I think- terrified I have a good relationship with my SD. Initially me and my SD got on well but then she used to come over asking questions I've mentioned such as "how much money do you own" and when my husband moved in with me she asked my husband (a ten year old at the time) " Is your house on the market". Now these are not normal questions a ten year old asks these are questions she's been told to ask or questions she's overheard in the house.

Interfering people out for themselves and not interested in the SD welfare are definitely damaging but what makes it worse is when they point the finger st you and say well it was all fine until you came along. Inside you want to scream- it's you. Hugs xx

How much money do you earn is a normal question for a 10 year old to ask. Mine has asked me how much Child Benefit I get and how much Council Tax is. (No prompting from anyone) My answer was that he did my have to worry about my earnings and I told him that I paid £150 per month CT.

Being asked are you on "full pay" at the moment isn't what a ten year old would know! And they following up with "how much maternity leave are you taking off work" hmmm I think that's what her mother was wondering!

@Cherryblossom36 I keep getting notified to this thread and I wish I hadn't read what you have just posted. I feel physically sick.

"Interfering people out for themselves and not interested in the SD welfare are definitely damaging but what makes it worse is when they point the finger st you and say well it was all fine until you came along. Inside you want to scream- it's you."

For a start you don't really make sense. If you're blaming it on others, who? If you're blaming the situation on the GIRL then I don't even know where to begin. If I was this girls mother I'd want her no where near your home.

Just explain what is the issue?

You started saying the issue was her not wanting anything to do with you.

Now you keep going on about her asking you questions.

How is she asking you these questions if she isn't coming to your home and talking to you.

I think you should just leave her alone. You're sitting on Mumsnet bitching about her and she will be busy living her life like the normal teenage girl she is.

I think CB meant the ex and the MIL, who according to OP don't have the child best interests at heart but just want to give OP a hard time.

CB, I do agree that these questions are not appropriate for a child and yes, maybe she heard her mother say something, but it doesn't mean you had to respond in such an unpleasant manner as 'it's none of your business'. A simple 'oh, that's an interesting question isn't it, I don't think you are old enough yet for me to discuss this with you, but if you want we can talk about pocket money and how to budget so you can end up buying the toy you so very much want'.

However, that's not what you care about, all you could think of is 'how dare the ex try to judge me' and you passed on your anger with the ex on to your SD. And here you are wondering why she could possibly have ended up disliking you and that of course it could only be because she was 'trained' to do so!

I understand you want out of this post, but please know that I get where you're coming from! To be ignored and dissed in your own home, is intolerable! Whatever anyone else thinks, the girl is persistently rude to you, and her DF allows it....not on, under any circumstances!

Gawd, just read a few posts, when did this thread get so nasty?
If I were you Cherry I'd cut my losses and get off the thread ASAP....but again me and a few others do get you!