My step daughter refuses to stay with us

[Cherryblossom36]

Hi, my husband and I got married about five years ago. When we were seriously dating his daughter who is now 14 years old would stay every other weekend.

Her behaviour wasn't great in that she would talk about me in third person to my husband when I was in the room eg "how long has she lived here for" etc and my husband did nothing about it. It got so bad that I calmly spoke to her and said that it wasn't kind to ignore people. From that day on she has refused to come to our house.

My mother in law also plays games of being favourite so rubs our faces in it and hints to my husband that all of this is my fault because her granddaughter said that I'm really horrible to her etc etc. Basically lots of games go on.

Not sure what to do as now we have a three year old son and he doesn't have a clue who she is!

As an aside... her parents split when she was 6 months old. Her mother met someone else and got pregnant to the new man so her sibling is 15 months older than her.

If you and your H have suspected his ex is putting pressure on your DSD not to see her father then your H should have taken that up with his ex. Does he have regular meetings or contact with his ex about parenting matters?

He is always told that he should let his DD do what she wants as she's a free spirit

As an aside should he be going round to the exes house for dinner etc as this is something early on in our relationship she started asking him to do

Everything aside, Well that’s a no from me. Like fuck.

Cherry, you might not mean to, but almost every word you use in relation to your SD is belittling. You talk about disrespect a lot, manipulation, taking advantage.

You seem very controlling in expecting everyone to have high respect of you and your OH making that statement, but I'm not so sure you are showing that much respect back. Personally, I think you showing up at her performance when it is clear she doesn't want anything to you was as disrespectful of her as it gets, even if your husband suggested it. Surely you could have said to him 'I am there to support you, but in light of what is happening and her feelings for me, I don't thing it would be a good idea'.

“He is told” - and then what, he does what?

What has HE done to address the issues with his DD and ex?

From personal experience I just felt very very uncomfortable (and still do) with my mums boyfriend in the house. It's awkward when you're in your PJs, trying to chill out and watch TV and don't feel at ease around everyone in the house. I also feel like I can't talk openly with my mum now he's around, can't watch TV with my Mum in the evening etc etc. Talking about you in third person might be cause she feels awkward talking TO you if you know what I mean. All I can suggest is giving her some space and respecting the fact that her Dad is always going to be her Dad and that you're never going to be her family and as close to her as her Mother etc. 14 is a very very hard age and it is even harder when you're expected to welcome people into your home who you don't really know that well/get alone with/aren't your family.

I know I'm not really offering a solution, just want to explain from the perspective of someone whose had a few of her mums partners to put with.

Also, approaching her and telling her how she should talk to you in a 'calm manor' sounds pretty patronising. She probably feels even more awkward now. You're not her parent. Not even a family friend would probably approach their friends kids and tell them how they should talk/act. This is probably why she has cut off contact completely. Very stressful being made to feel like you're in the wrong when you're in your own home.

Honestly this child is being way too much power. She’s learning that the ignoring her Dads GF and being rude results in lots and lots of overindulgence and attention.

I wouldn’t stop your DH seeing her on his own but I’d keep repeating to him that your house and family are always open to her, if she is not rude. Otherwise she will drive a wedge. Basically she and her mother want you out of the picture. Out of events. Out of their Dads life. You have to stand your ground and fight against this!

Sorry grammar... being given way too much power.

What does everything has to be a battle with you Banana? It's exactly the reasons why so many kids don't want anything to do with their parents because they are tired of feeling they have to compete with a SM. They shouldn't have to compete with anyone. They should be entitled to have a relationship with their father without having to tolerate their step-parent and certainly without being made to feel guilty for it.

For God sake, 14yo are still emotionally immature. They feel the way things are hitting them, most of the time not understanding why they feel the way they do and not feeling much in control of their emotions, yet here, theses kids are made to be the most calculating, power hungry and conniving monsters, on a mission to destroy their fathers and his new family, with getting immense pleasure when their plan works, oh, of course all orchestrated by the ex who has clearly never moved on and feeling highly jealous of the new woman in their ex's lives.

In the end, it's rarely the kids who miss out most but the fathers who can't be bothered to make an effort to work on their relationship with their child. Kids get hurt, but they move on, parents find it much harder to get over it.

Honestly this child is being way too much power. She’s learning that the ignoring her Dads GF and being rude results in lots and lots of overindulgence and attention.

I wouldn’t stop your DH seeing her on his own but I’d keep repeating to him that your house and family are always open to her, if she is not rude. Otherwise she will drive a wedge. Basically she and her mother want you out of the picture. Out of events. Out of their Dads life. You have to stand your ground and fight against this!

Banana it feels just like this so I totally agree with you. She knows if she ignores my husband enough he'll end up lavishing her with new trainers and meals. I feel like I have to stand against this otherwise she's got too much power and is trying to push me out the equation. I don't think there's anything wrong with me going to her shows because I'm supporting my husband too.

Swing if things you say a SC "shouldn't have to tolerate a SM". That's ridiculous because I'm married and they are a child. As banana says too many children are given too much power which is very very damaging to them and they have an elevated sense of importance with no respect for anyone.

I doubt very much that a fourteen year old child has a elevated sense of importance because she's rude to you and her dad tries to purchase her company. She has an elevated sense of importance because she's a 14 year old girl and they all think they're god. She's not evil, she's developmentally appropriate.

I know @cherry
It’s not that she is ‘horrible’, but your DSD is learning to manipulate and that isn’t great for her development either. My DSD did this and it has not helped her character at all.

It also has big consequences. You are not to blame! You being ‘nicer’ will not fix it either as it isn’t to do with you as a person. It is because you are with her Dad. The end results of her wants are that Daddy never has a relationship. How is that good for anyone?

I agree that she should respect you, in that she should be respectful in that she shouldn't be rude, but she's now a teenager and if she doesn't want to spend time with her, she shouldn't be forced. What is there to gain from it anyway? Do you really like the idea of spending time with a child who doesn't like you and who you clearly consider a control freak?

I'm sorry but from what you are posting, you are the one who comes across as as a control freak and maybe that is why your MIL has an issue with you rather than your religion.

Anyway, I'm sure you won't agree, so I won't post any longer, but just like I genuinely feel sadden for my ex for having no relationship with our son any longer, something that I am not happy about and would much prefer he worked on, I feel sorry for your OH because it's THEM losing out, not the children, all this because this way, you've shown them who is the boss. What prize to win!

@Cherryblossom36 I have to admit reading the way your speaking about this girl is breaking my heart.

I think it is my frustration at my husband. I wouldn't feel this way if she was given boundaries and I wasn't made out to be the bad guy by everyone in her family and my mil etc

I'm guessing that swing you are the ex in this situation

@Cherryblossom36 she deserved unconditional love from her Father, even if she doesn't particularly like you. You keep talking about power and I think you need to move away from this. All she wants is her Dad. She's not done anything wrong. She's not saying anything horrible to you, she just doesn't want to be your best friend. And tbh, from how your speaking of her I can understand why. The whole world doesn't revolve around you. Your partner had is daughter long before you met and has an obligation to her. You got into a relationship with him knowing this.

I feel very sorry for her, feeling pushed out by new 'family' members hurts like hell. I've been the victim of this myself. The shiny new partner who suddenly takes up all of your parents time. I'm just glad he values her enough to keep in touch and try to have a relationship. He's doing a better job than a lot of men.

Like is said before, I actually had to grow up with my mum introducing new partners etc and it was brutal. The awkward intros, being second choice. Before she had these partners we'd sit in her bed together and watch ten years younger and things and eat dinner as a family with my brother and have girly days out. When the boyfriends came along it was always making dinner separately for them and ignoring me.

At the end of the day the title of this thread is 'step daughter refuses to stay with us.'

Is that a crime? No. She isn't calling you up telling you she hates you. She's not trying to sabotage you're relationship with her Dad. She just doesn't feel comfortable with you which is totally natural.

If feel very odd if my mums boyfriend ever referred to me as his 'step daughter' and they've been together for 8 years.

I am the ex, but I have nothing at all against my ex new partner. My DD still goes there regularly and she's been good to her. I have tried hard to get my son to work on his relationship with his dad. It breaks me heart that he is growing up without his dad in his life. It is NOT what I want, however, I do understand why it is had happened. I did try to speak to my ex that I thought this could happen, but he told to be to stay out of his family business at the time. He did contact me more recently to ask what he'd done wrong, at least I am lucky that he knows I've done nothing to encourage it, but he just doesn't get it.

The reality is that since my son has stopped seeing his dad, his dad has fallen into depression whereas our son has never been happier. I've tried to get him to talk about it and I suggested that maybe his dad could come and watch him play football but he said he rather he didn't. I still hope that one day they will rekindle their relationship, but as they are both stubborn, I could see it not happening. I am angry with my ex that he just assumed that DS would just fall conveniently into the dynamics of his new family, not considering for a second that maybe he needed more 1-1 attention.

Swing if you really wanted your son to have a relationship with his DF you wouldn't let him have a choice. His father has not been abusive so by allowing DS not to see him you are giving him all the power. I'm not sure that's right with an emotionally immature teenager.

In a non divorced family teenagers don't get a choice and don't get to dictate to their parents how they should be living their lives...It seems swing you are secretly pleased your ex is getting "punished" for not spending enough 1-1 with your son...again in non divorced families with several children teenagers don't get to be offended amd to cut contact cause their parents have another child.

You are so off the mark whiteCat. The same thing happens in non-divorced families, the only difference is that they might still be living under the same roof, but that doesn't mean they communicate or spend any quality time together.

Since my son has stopped going there, he has been so much happier in himself. At one point, I was concerned that he was showing sign of depression himself. It's only afterwards I realised that it was because he really didn't like going to his dad. The moment he made that decision, he came out of shell and started to act like a normal happy teenager.

Yet you think that I should force him to go back to being miserable? Why? To please his father? I have no more alliance to him whatsoever. My ex's happiness is not my responsibility, my son's is.

Love how you are drawing conclusions that I am secretly pleased that he doesn't want contact with his dad. You couldn't be further from the truth. My ex has never paid maintenance for our children, and yet I've never taken him to the csa because I didn't want the stress of it to impact on the kids. Because I moved away 1/2 h (even though that meant the kids could go to a good school rather than the failing local one but I guess that is irrelevant), I drove them there every single week-end so they could see their dad. I could have at least change it to EOW, but I didn't. When they got old enough to travel by public transport, I paid for it. I've done so much to encourage contact but my ex is selfish and just couldn't comprehend that because he was happy in his new recomposed family, it didn't mean both our kids were. He refused to listen to our boy's feelings, like you, he believed that he should have no choice, no voice.

Well one day, he did get a voice and he finally let it out. I knew it would happen, I could see it, but his dad didn't. So no, no way would I ever disrespect my son's feelings and force him to into a situation knowing it makes him unhappy. What kind of loving parent does this?

Swing of things, if your ex never pays child support do you find it easy to not be negative about him infront if your son? I know for a fact my SD mum discusses money with her because she told me that her mum was going to the child support agency because she wanted to make sure all the dads were paying what they owned to her. When I was on maternity leave my SD mother asked my husband for more money so that my SD could do extra dance classes. Just so happened it occurred two days after my son was born and I didn't work for 9 months so he had to say no for he moment. Next time my SD came over she said to me (aged 10)/ how much money are you making at the moment... are you getting your fully salary. Again my husband allows this sbd sits in silence so I'm left to say... Erm that isn't really your business.