Step mum woes...

[Saem12]

Hi all. A little background before I start. Me and my fiancé have a 9 month old son together and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. A boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5. We have the children every other weekend. When we have the children we always do really fun days out and try to make the time we have them as enjoyable as possible. By the time they leave I am exhausted! I do ALL of the housework in our home as my fiancé is so untidy... anyway this weekend just gone they kept saying how much they wanted to ‘go back to mummy’s house’. They have said this quite a lot before but particularly this weekend. It can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes when you’re running round after them like a blue ass fly but hey ho that’s kids for you! But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. And it feels like he takes time with our son for granted and wants to put him to bed early all time. If he was so upset about not seeing his other 2 children as much, then why isn’t he making the most of spending time with the child that he has got more of the time.

Furthermore it sounds awful to say but I am really not fond of my step son. It’s like his presence just irritates me. He’s naughty and is always taking toys off my son and making him cry. (They all have plenty of toys here and are not short of them). He said he doesn’t like my son (he’s 9 months old) and is always saying my son is trying to hurt him etc. It winds me up something rotten. I just wish he would bloody disappear. I know I sound horrible, evil, nasty etc. But I can’t help the way I feel! I wish I could be more tolerant of him but he drives me insane! I feel so overwhelmed all the time and wonder what the hell have I got myself into. I need to be more mature and just think ‘he’s a child’ but I can’t! What’s wrong with me!

Hi,

What I’ve noticed on here is that everyone loves to attack step parents. I thought this would be a venue that supports step parents but it seems that if u admit in the slightest way u find it challenging in this role, u get vilified. Let’s face it, step parents get a rough ride of it. Taking on a child is a major responsibility which is why it’s so hard to adopt and why children over three are really unlikely to find someone willing to take them on, yet with stepparents u r expected to do it as well as taking on the ex as well in a way and not really having all the legal powers you would as a normal parent. Obviously he child’s welfare should be at the forefront but we all have needs and stepparents should not just put theirs to one side either.

I have never been a step-mum and I not someone who just automatically loves every child. The thing is it is horrible that you have allowed this situation to continue, OP. No child should have spend prolonged periods of time in the company of someone who actively dislikes them. Good for you for trying to hide it, but children sense this stuff.

Taking on a child is a major responsibility which is why it’s so hard to adopt and why children over three are really unlikely to find someone willing to take them on, yet with stepparents u r expected to do it as well as taking on the ex as well in a way and not really having all the legal powers you would as a normal parent.

Step parents are expected to do it if they decide to become step parents! I can’t be arsed to help raise another child, so I won’t date someone with young kids. I don’t see what’s so hard about that.

And yes, some step parents do absolutely have nightmare ex’s etc. to deal with. This is different. This poor 3 year old is the one living the nightmare and he made no decisions to lead him here.

Really I have heard enough from you with your jealous selfish attitude you got together with a fella already accompanied with children yet you resent them spending the little time they have with their father? Would you be happy if he stopped contact? Well tough they all came as a package and you will have to get over yourself and either deal with it in a grown up way get rid of your childish tantrums or leave I'm sure ds s will be much happier without you upsetting his childhood stop just stop and love that child or leave.

Have any of you ever heard of ‘trying to make the most of a situation’. I have admitted on here how find I find it to love my step son because I thought that this was the place to do it. Rather than say it to my partner or show it to the child or any one else. Fair enough that some of you
Think that is terrible fair enough. But I’ve got myself into this situation and looking for advise on how to cope. Have none of you gotten yourselves into a situation that you weren’t sure how to deal with? I guess not as you lot must be so saintly and probably the best step mothers on the planet. If that was the case then why not give some advice. Why just criticise. I would not comment onto someone’s post to criticise them. What’s the point? For one I’m not that flipping sad or mean. The people posting on here are ones already not in a good place and are seeking advise or help on a problem. If you have anything other than productive advise to say, then why say it? You are venting anger from your own lives, to a stranger online. Do you feel better? Some of the things some of you have said have been extremely harsh and cruel. You horrible judgemental people that get kicks from putting others down. Bullying, sad people. The ones that need to get a life are people saying extremely negative stuff on here!! Anyone else that has something negative to say, rather than productive then please do not comment anymore!! Bullies, bullies, bullies!!!!!

OP I actually have given you advice. As have others. You don’t seem to have take notice it on board.

OP does it not strike you as odd that you are so upset at being told a few unpalatable truths yet you expect a 3 year old to be able to cope with the awful situation you've created for him, and he is not supposed to be upset at all?

You have being given advice you just aren't interested.

A person wishing a three year old would disappear has no place calling anyone a bully. Take a look at yourself rather than anyone else.

Remove your self from that poor boys life.

Awful situation I created from him?! What the hell? How have I created his situation. As far as I can see I help my fiancé a lot when they are here. I wash all the clothes, make sure they’re fed, watered, bedding washed every weekend etc. If anything I’ve improved their lives! I have some feelings deep down that I don’t show and am unsure how to cope with. Anyone would think
I’m beating the child or verbally abusing him! To say I have created his situation is very extreme. I’ve made his father happier, he was extremely depressed before we got together. I’ve also given him a new baby brother. I’ve created a nice and clean and tidy home (which it was not before I tell you) my fiancé’s house was a complete shit tip when I met him. I couldn’t even find the kids any clean clothes to put them in! And fiancé couldn’t be bothered to use a washing machine!

And yes some of you have given positive advise. Of which I have taken on board and it made me feel better.

The only bully here is you having a go at a young child who’s still just a baby

Having a go at a young child. And what point in any of my posts have I ever stated that I had a go at him?

“But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. “

I find this comment particularly disgusting. You are not enough, and neither you should be, because like it or not (and you’ve made it clear that it’s a “not”) you are not the only family he has.

You’re now actually making things up to make me seem worse. If that’s not bullying I don’t know what is. Sad woman.

I actually agree with some of the things Saem has wrote. It just seems lambasting step mums who admit they are struggling is fair game while people who say they are struggling in other ways would be considered politically incorrect to do so. For instance, if someone was postnatally depressed it wouldn’t be considered appropriate to attack her for admitting it by saying that she got herself in that position for getting pregnant or saying what a terrible mother she is to the infant for feeling that way and that is an actual child she brought in to the world... it is jolly hard being a step parent. I don’t know of anyone who has done it that hasn’t struggled and felt a bit sorry for themselves at times and think society should be more supportive

Op you may not think you show it to him but children do know where they aren't wanted or liked.
You come across very selfcentred yes im sure its difficult going from 0 to 3 children in a short space but this boy has had his world turned upside down. First the new girlfriend then the new baby. Maybe both of you should try to spend some time together with him away from the other 2. Make him feel wanted, loved and make a bond with him.

Also how is he mean to your child,?

my fiancé’s house was a complete shit tip when I met him. I couldn’t even find the kids any clean clothes to put them in! And fiancé couldn’t be bothered to use a washing machine!

have you no standards? What on earth made you step any further across his threshold when you realised this? What on earth made you think he would be a good person to have a child with? Why on earth didn’t you run screaming from his shit tip house? How could you have respect for, let alone have sex with someone who could treat his children so badly? I am really struggling to understand how you managed to conceive a child with someone like this! Why would you be interested in someone like him?

Maybe you should show this post to your partner or at least let him know how your feeling

Awful situation I created from him?! What the hell? How have I created his situation.

The awful situation where he has to share his father's house with a woman who dislikes and resents him.

Yes, you have created this situation by having a child with a recently divorced man who had existing children when you have also admitted that you have no interest in caring for those children and think it is somehow a 3 year old's fault that, entirely predictably, it's not working out well for anyone. You are supposed to be an adult, take some responsibility.

Look you have to own your decisions. Take responsibility for your own part in the making of this situation. You chose a shitty dad to partner up with and have another child with. That was your choice. You didn’t have to be part of his family situation, but you chose to be and then along with him you added to his collection of unplanned children. There is responsibility on both your shoulders. The children didn’t ask for any of it. But you are in a position to change it. He’s a loser, that much is clear. He’s not interested in parenting. If you stay, you’ll be doing all the donkey work. And no, you will never be number 1. He has 3 children, they come before you. You need to accept that. That’s your choice if you stay. So either accept it or leave. But don’t make this child the emotional punchbag for your resentment of your bad choice in a partner.

Your partner sounds like an utterly shit father tbh. Why you would want to be with him in the first place when he can't even provide basic care for his children is beyond me.

How is DontDIY making anything up, they direct quoted you. Your son is not the only child your other half has, so no you and your son will never be ‘enough’ as he has other kids to think about aswell.

Some of the things some of you have said have been extremely harsh and cruel

Harsh and cruel? No, just TRUTHFUL.

To be honest I seen a man struggling. Struggling with the house work whilst having a full time job and 2 tiny children. Looking back I probably should have run a mile. Famous last words. I knew he wasn’t a bad person or father.