Step mum woes...

[Saem12]

Hi all. A little background before I start. Me and my fiancé have a 9 month old son together and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. A boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5. We have the children every other weekend. When we have the children we always do really fun days out and try to make the time we have them as enjoyable as possible. By the time they leave I am exhausted! I do ALL of the housework in our home as my fiancé is so untidy... anyway this weekend just gone they kept saying how much they wanted to ‘go back to mummy’s house’. They have said this quite a lot before but particularly this weekend. It can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes when you’re running round after them like a blue ass fly but hey ho that’s kids for you! But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. And it feels like he takes time with our son for granted and wants to put him to bed early all time. If he was so upset about not seeing his other 2 children as much, then why isn’t he making the most of spending time with the child that he has got more of the time.

Furthermore it sounds awful to say but I am really not fond of my step son. It’s like his presence just irritates me. He’s naughty and is always taking toys off my son and making him cry. (They all have plenty of toys here and are not short of them). He said he doesn’t like my son (he’s 9 months old) and is always saying my son is trying to hurt him etc. It winds me up something rotten. I just wish he would bloody disappear. I know I sound horrible, evil, nasty etc. But I can’t help the way I feel! I wish I could be more tolerant of him but he drives me insane! I feel so overwhelmed all the time and wonder what the hell have I got myself into. I need to be more mature and just think ‘he’s a child’ but I can’t! What’s wrong with me!

[ArizonaLeone]

I am a step mum. I adore my SD and whilst she never says things like 'I want to go back to mums' and actually asks if she can stay longer, I do feel for your DP because it must be hard for him to hear.

The fact that you wish your step son would disappear is worrying. Very worrying. If I said this out loud to my DP he would probably leave me. You are right, he is just a child and he will change and learn and mature in time.

Sounds like you want the 'ideal' family that consists of you, your DP and your baby. A man will always put his children first. It doesn't matter which mother they come from. I think you need to read through these comments and have a good hard think about yourself.

[Quartz2208]

Children may be young but they can sense when then are not wanted. And feel left out - he is 3 he is reacting.

Secondly there is no need to make every visit a fun trip out - that is not family life focus on building it up at home.

Thirdly as always this isnt really a step parent issue this is and you and your fiancee issue - he doesnt do any housework (indeed he makes a mess) and I suspect isnt actually a good father to any of his children

[Saem12]

Why would you suspect he isn’t a good father to any of his children?

And I’m not even responding to the paternity issue again. This has already been explained. Over and over and over again

[Saem12]

Oh and it’s much more enjoyable to get everyone out of the house during the day. Otherwise they all just wreck the place. And I think they kids probably enjoy it more too as they always want to get dressed straight away and go out

[Quartz2208]

because he is not facing up to the need to have boundaries in place when his children visit.

because he seems to want to put your son to bed early all the time because he cant interact with them

because going out for the day is easier for him as he doesnt have to interact and play

Sounds very Disney Dad like

[Loulou0]

Poor kid. If I was his mum and I knew you spoke about him like this, I wouldn't let you anywhere near him.

He's just a baby.

I have 3 step kids and at varying ages they have been infuriating/ naughty/mean etc., but you do what you signed up to do when you married their dad: treat them with love and compassion. The way you would with your own kids.

[pigeondujour]

Why would you suspect he isn’t a good father to any of his children?

Because he lets you live in their house

[BlueEyedBengal]

You both need to make the all the children feel included not make them feel different they are siblings after all they need to get on and grow up knowing they are the same. You baby will pick up on your feelings as he grow and that in its self will create problems between them And as for mess, children love tidy time when they have a competition for who tidied up the quickest. Like I said I have 6 kids 4 of them are boys age 10 to age 5. So I know a thing or 2 about mess make it fun kids love that and they learn from the people around us. Our job as parents is to bring happy contented children into the world easier said than done? the way you are doing it will make you all unhappy. Make them want to come to you home and it will make things much, much easier you need to not be afraid to love your d s s that's all they need is affection happy child happy life, you will see if you make an extra effort.

[lifechangesforever]

What a horrible thread.. hoping it's just some troll looking for reactions.

If not, you're a massive piece of work and I hope the DM sees this and works out it's you and then doesn't allow her children anywhere near.

[Pannacott]

I do think you are onto something about your disappointment and resentment regarding your DP's behaviour, transferring into your SS.

This situation doesn't sound like it's going to improve really. Your anger isn't going anywhere, and your DP doesn't sound like he's going to back down and start giving you what you want.

It really does sound like you'd be better off separating. I understand that might be disappointing, I'm sure you never set out expecting to be a single parent (most don't!) But this isn't working out for anyone. It sounds like you've been partly forced together by circumstance anyway, rather than this being a considered choice. What is keeping you together? Would it be hard to separate?

[lookingforaline18]

I agree it's best for you to seperate. It will be best for everyone.
I honestly think your mind will be a lot clearer if you do. You can focus on you and your son and not obsess over your dislike of your dss. I don't mean that to sound harsh, but it's just not healthy. Don't worry about your DS having a broken family. Remember it never affected you when your parents split.

[jaimelannistersgoldenhand]

I think that when your son turns 3 (or you have a second baby), you'll regret some of the things that you thought about your dss.

3 year olds can't articulate their feelings of jealousy etc as it's a complex emotion that he may not be able to label himself.

I'm guessing that you've not really known what groups of pre-schoolers/siblings can be like. Trust me, they can be mean to each other. To you a 9 month old is innocent, to them they can be nuisances who want to grab their toys or the reason why when out and about Daddy is hanging back pushing the buggy rather than running ahead with them.

You know the feeling that you have towards dss? That trapped but have to suck it up to be with your fiancée feeling? That's probably how dss feels too. While he won't remember mummy and daddy being together, there's been a lot of change in his short life. Most kids act up when there's lots of change in their life and feel insecure. It's like they are bracing themselves for more shit to come.

I understand how annoying little kids can get. (Step or otherwise) It sounds like you put a lot of effort in their stays but it's your fiancé's fault that you're doing all of the housework and not the kids. He sounds like your problem and not the step kids.

If you split from your partner, you need to hope for more than someone who will tolerate your child being stepmum. While the stepparent relationship will have bumps along the way, there are kind women out there capable of feeling affection for your son. (I understand that you may not love a stepchild which is fine imo)

[Saem12]

Thank you for your posts. They made a lot of sense to me. I feel trapped because I have to tolerate fiancé’s son. And SS feels trapped because he has to tolerate me and my son. Boy, step families are complicated. It crosses my mind every day if I would be happier just me and my son. But in a way, this situation won’t go away entirely. Il have to part with my son EOW and I don’t like the thought of him being alone with my fiancé and his half siblings. I’m worried that my SS will be even more mean to him when I’m not around. And my fiancé doesn’t do anything about it. Obviously to him he treats the children all the same because they are his, but I hate it when my SS says mean things about my son and takes toys off him. The last weekend we had them my fiancé’s asked SS ‘do you not like your brother’ and my SS said ‘no’. ‘Why’ he asked. ‘I just dont’ Was the response.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

The last weekend we had them my fiancé’s asked SS ‘do you not like your brother’ and my SS said ‘no’. ‘Why’ he asked. ‘I just dont’ Was the response.

He’s 3. He’d fall out with fireman Sam on the flick of a switch! seriously, this is really normal for siblings. They squabble and taunt each other and say they hate each other and hide their toys and steal their sweeties. You’re guilty of being quite PFB with this comment tbh.

[Saem12]

Further to this my fiancé feels like his son is becoming more and more withdrawn from him. I don’t understand why because when his other kids are here, he makes a big fuss of them and leaves me to look after my son. He doesn’t even help with my son when they’re here. He makes it all about them. SS also said he doesnt like daddy. The only person he likes is mummy. He’s obviously very confused in his little brain. Ignore course I feel very sorry for him. It just doesn’t help me particularly like him because of his nasty behaviour.

[Quartz2208]

He is 3 ffs he cant be nasty.

He probably is withdrawing yes because he is a child who feels he is unliked and unloved (and from your post correctly).

Your finance needs to decide for his son sake whether he actually wants contact

As an aside my DS has regularly told his sister he hates her and she is the worst sister in the world. Its what they do. Read any post about how 3 year olds cope with new siblings in ideal situations

[Saem12]

You’re right I don’t have any Experiance of children or toddlers before I met my fiancé. I guess if they were all my children it wouldn’t be an issue. But I still feel protective of my son as silly as it sounds!

[Quartz2208]

No but cant you see its exactly that that is causing the issue with the 3 year old.

His behaviour is not unusual he feels pushed out - coupled with the fact you say everyone fails to bond with him of course he is acting out.

The thing is though this is YOUR sons brother. He could be an amazing asset and friend is YOUR sons life. If you cant do it for him do it for YOUR son.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

Your judging the boy by adult rules of behaviour. 3 years olds aren’t fully developed. Their brains and language are still being formed and developed. All behaviour is communication, so if the boy is withdrawn, there is a real reason do that and it really isn’t because he’s just thought “full these assholes, i’ll Just play by myself” seriously, he won’t even be aware he is withdrawn. It’s up to the adults around him to notice and try and work out what is going on. Of course, that relies on those adults actually caring what is going on with him.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

Full=fuck

[Saem12]

And I think we under estimate how bright 3 year olds can be. One particular weekend he was making things up that I was doing to him. He was saying I tripped him up, and fiancé was close enough to see that I didn’t, of course! As he was a few feet away from me. He also said I didn’t strap him into the car. Which i never do anyway because I hate car seats. He said I couldn’t come when we were going out. It’s funny that he doesn’t say that to daddy or his sister. If he said it to everyone you would like ‘ahh he’s just 3 he doesn’t know what he is saying’. But he clearly does! And my SD was 3 when I met her and we bonded instantly and never behaved like that so I guess I had more expectations from my SS too.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

You’re being very silly. This 3 year old will quickly surpass you in terms of maturity.

[AuntLydia]

That behaviour is absolutely to be expected from a 3 year old to a new sibling - they feel jealous and pushed out. Especially when you add in a complicated dynamic of the new sibling living full time with his dad and him only seeing him a couple of times a month. And then add in that the majority of the adults in his little life apparently state that they haven't bonded with him and don't like him. He will be feeling all kinds of complicated and awful emotions that he can't begin to even articulate, let alone deal with so he's acting out. My heart breaks for him a bit actually. The only people who can turn this around are the adults in his life.

Your husband needs to address this and so do you. Would he get involved with helping the baby? Can you really go hard on how he's a great big brother and can teach the baby x, y, z? Shower him with praise over every tiny positive thing you see.

[AuntLydia]

If course he aims that behaviour at you though. He's feeling some big shit at the moment and you are part of it! You are mummy to this baby that he feels has usurped him. You're not his mummy though. He can see your love for your baby no doubt and can sense you don't feel that for him. He has no idea how to rationalise that and deal with it in a constructive manner so he pushes you away.

[Buttercream36]

It sounds like he's picking up vibes that he's unwanted and unwelcome