Step mum woes...

[Saem12]

Hi all. A little background before I start. Me and my fiancé have a 9 month old son together and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. A boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5. We have the children every other weekend. When we have the children we always do really fun days out and try to make the time we have them as enjoyable as possible. By the time they leave I am exhausted! I do ALL of the housework in our home as my fiancé is so untidy... anyway this weekend just gone they kept saying how much they wanted to ‘go back to mummy’s house’. They have said this quite a lot before but particularly this weekend. It can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes when you’re running round after them like a blue ass fly but hey ho that’s kids for you! But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. And it feels like he takes time with our son for granted and wants to put him to bed early all time. If he was so upset about not seeing his other 2 children as much, then why isn’t he making the most of spending time with the child that he has got more of the time.

Furthermore it sounds awful to say but I am really not fond of my step son. It’s like his presence just irritates me. He’s naughty and is always taking toys off my son and making him cry. (They all have plenty of toys here and are not short of them). He said he doesn’t like my son (he’s 9 months old) and is always saying my son is trying to hurt him etc. It winds me up something rotten. I just wish he would bloody disappear. I know I sound horrible, evil, nasty etc. But I can’t help the way I feel! I wish I could be more tolerant of him but he drives me insane! I feel so overwhelmed all the time and wonder what the hell have I got myself into. I need to be more mature and just think ‘he’s a child’ but I can’t! What’s wrong with me!

[Bananasinpyjamas11]

I haven’t read all the posts. What comes through on your initial post is that:
You spend the weekend doing fun things for the DSCs and nobody parents them. Both parents indulge. The focus is their needs above everyone else’s.
You have a young baby and you are exhausted and finding it hard to adjust.
You have a growing resentment of the 3 year old that is not healthy for him or for you or the family going forward.

So what to do? That’s the point isn’t it?

Try counselling and getting a break at the weekend the kids come. Even if only for a day. Go with your baby if necessary for a day out, kick them out and stay at home, or visit family. Everyone needs breathing space.

Consider seriously a parenting course for you and DP. So that he can hear from others that it’s important to parent. And you can both get on the same page. Ask your health visitor.

Be normal with the kids at the weekend. Not hyper and special. Bring in a couple of rules to make the place calmer and happier.

Do one thing each time you see the DSS that treats him. Then when you find yourself getting wound up, walk off into your room or with baby. and just remind yourself you are the adult.

If the feelings of dislike do not go away for DSS even after trying ways to make it better, then you must consider your responsibility as a SM and leave your relationship. A boy cannot grow up where he is disliked. But it’s worth trying to sort out first?

[Ember12]

Honestly talk to your partner keeping these feelings to yourself and isn't going to help.

[BlueEyedBengal]

Please just listen and you will have a great influence on these children and in return they will bring great things into your family and as they grow you could take pride in this great little man as he grows that is what a parent even stepparents want to see. My eldest when to university and at his graduation I was the proudest I have ever been seeing my little 5 lb baby becoming a wonderful part of the world and I would want that feeling for all parents and stepparents don't you want to part of that? Helping them be the best they want to be?

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

Look regardless of whether or not you come back to this thread, please please have a really long hard think about whether you can change your attitude to this boy and treat him fairly for the rest of his life. You owe us nothing but You owe him that at least. He asked for none of this and can change none of it, but you can.

[pigeondujour]

Dear oh dear, OP. You're not very good at this are you?

[Saem12]

You have won ladies. This is too much of a battle. I’m having to constantly defend myself by something else you keep throwing at me. This isn’t helping. I feel like I’m just repeating myself and going round in circles whilst you come up with more ammo to fire at me. Goodnight have a fab life! Love to you! Xxxxxxx

[SemiConsciousRobot]

Forcing a step family on them without any discussion is irresponsible, yes, particularly so soon after their parents had separated. Their whole world had been shattered. You seem to be completely unable or unwilling to accept that your decisions have had a huge impact on these children who had no choice in the matter, and now somehow want to make it their fault.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

so of course it is a gift to have a brother.

No. Sorry, it isn’t. Not always. Some families adapt to a new sibling really well. Some really struggle. Under the circumstances you’ve described I certainly don’t think this boy has benefitted from having a baby brother. I have two children and would love a third if the circumstances allowed but I wouldn’t do it to my existing children. My youngest would struggle massively with it. It would be incredibly selfish for me to bring another baby into our lives. It wouldn’t be a gift for either of them.

[BlueEyedBengal]

You seem to say you do all the motherly things for this dear little one and that is great and a full tummy and clean clothes and a warm bed that is what a child needs. But where anywhere have you said you love him? A child needs to know that from all the caregivers around them and you seem to be lacking on that one and that is the problem you have that as a step mum you have a duty to give that child as much love that you can and I know you are not his mother but on the time you give him you should love him like your own and that is why you are rubbing people up the wrong way. He a tiny 3 yr d not easy anyway I know imagine having 4 boys born in under 5 years now that would test the patience of a saint but you deal with it in a rational kind way and a child must know who to respect and respect is earned whoever it is be parent, stepparent or child please just give this child the time he needs and he will respect you like you never knew would happen. People are just trying to advise you not bully you. You are just not taking it in. You asked and sometimes people will have a different approach to your situation please just take something of the advice and life experiences and learn from it and that would be wonderful for us all.

[Saem12]

So your now looking at all my previous posts and disecting them. You’re really trying to nail me down here aren’t you. You are a sad lady. Go away.

[Ember12]

Not consult but consider, which in the case you clearly never did

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

Ahh you wanted to rescue him and play at being Martha Stewart. Tip for the future: you never get the thanks you hope for. Don’t bother next time.

You know you can support someone who is struggling without moving in and creating more kids with them? How did you think another child would help a struggling parent?

[Saem12]

Bloody hell so you have to ‘consult’ children now before you have another child. Bloody hell what a world you live in. My mum was 1 of 5 and my dad was 1 of 4. I’m pretty sure they wouldn’t change any of their sibling being born so of course it is a gift to have a brother. Would you take any of your siblings back. This could be the only brother he will ever have and you say I’m somehow doing him wrong. You strange woman.

[Ember12]

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/stepparenting/3184661-Am-I-the-only-one-who-feels-like-this
Yet you say how he was a great dad on this thread and place no blame on your ss only your dp?

[Saem12]

I wasn’t quoting that. I was quoting the one that said I was having a go at a young child

[SemiConsciousRobot]

I’ve also given him a new baby brother

You say this as though you've done him a favour! Did your step children want another sibling after all the upheaval they'd already been through with their parents separating? Did you even consult them? It doesn't appear you gave much thought to the impact a new baby would have on the existing children.

[Saem12]

To be honest I seen a man struggling. Struggling with the house work whilst having a full time job and 2 tiny children. Looking back I probably should have run a mile. Famous last words. I knew he wasn’t a bad person or father.

[PixieDust100]

Some of the things some of you have said have been extremely harsh and cruel

Harsh and cruel? No, just TRUTHFUL.

[PixieDust100]

How is DontDIY making anything up, they direct quoted you. Your son is not the only child your other half has, so no you and your son will never be ‘enough’ as he has other kids to think about aswell.

[stitchglitched]

Your partner sounds like an utterly shit father tbh. Why you would want to be with him in the first place when he can't even provide basic care for his children is beyond me.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

Look you have to own your decisions. Take responsibility for your own part in the making of this situation. You chose a shitty dad to partner up with and have another child with. That was your choice. You didn’t have to be part of his family situation, but you chose to be and then along with him you added to his collection of unplanned children. There is responsibility on both your shoulders. The children didn’t ask for any of it. But you are in a position to change it. He’s a loser, that much is clear. He’s not interested in parenting. If you stay, you’ll be doing all the donkey work. And no, you will never be number 1. He has 3 children, they come before you. You need to accept that. That’s your choice if you stay. So either accept it or leave. But don’t make this child the emotional punchbag for your resentment of your bad choice in a partner.

[SemiConsciousRobot]

Awful situation I created from him?! What the hell? How have I created his situation.

The awful situation where he has to share his father's house with a woman who dislikes and resents him.

Yes, you have created this situation by having a child with a recently divorced man who had existing children when you have also admitted that you have no interest in caring for those children and think it is somehow a 3 year old's fault that, entirely predictably, it's not working out well for anyone. You are supposed to be an adult, take some responsibility.

[Ember12]

Maybe you should show this post to your partner or at least let him know how your feeling

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

my fiancé’s house was a complete shit tip when I met him. I couldn’t even find the kids any clean clothes to put them in! And fiancé couldn’t be bothered to use a washing machine!

have you no standards? What on earth made you step any further across his threshold when you realised this? What on earth made you think he would be a good person to have a child with? Why on earth didn’t you run screaming from his shit tip house? How could you have respect for, let alone have sex with someone who could treat his children so badly? I am really struggling to understand how you managed to conceive a child with someone like this! Why would you be interested in someone like him?

[Ember12]

Op you may not think you show it to him but children do know where they aren't wanted or liked.
You come across very selfcentred yes im sure its difficult going from 0 to 3 children in a short space but this boy has had his world turned upside down. First the new girlfriend then the new baby. Maybe both of you should try to spend some time together with him away from the other 2. Make him feel wanted, loved and make a bond with him.

Also how is he mean to your child,?