Step mum woes...

[Saem12]

Hi all. A little background before I start. Me and my fiancé have a 9 month old son together and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. A boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5. We have the children every other weekend. When we have the children we always do really fun days out and try to make the time we have them as enjoyable as possible. By the time they leave I am exhausted! I do ALL of the housework in our home as my fiancé is so untidy... anyway this weekend just gone they kept saying how much they wanted to ‘go back to mummy’s house’. They have said this quite a lot before but particularly this weekend. It can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes when you’re running round after them like a blue ass fly but hey ho that’s kids for you! But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. And it feels like he takes time with our son for granted and wants to put him to bed early all time. If he was so upset about not seeing his other 2 children as much, then why isn’t he making the most of spending time with the child that he has got more of the time.

Furthermore it sounds awful to say but I am really not fond of my step son. It’s like his presence just irritates me. He’s naughty and is always taking toys off my son and making him cry. (They all have plenty of toys here and are not short of them). He said he doesn’t like my son (he’s 9 months old) and is always saying my son is trying to hurt him etc. It winds me up something rotten. I just wish he would bloody disappear. I know I sound horrible, evil, nasty etc. But I can’t help the way I feel! I wish I could be more tolerant of him but he drives me insane! I feel so overwhelmed all the time and wonder what the hell have I got myself into. I need to be more mature and just think ‘he’s a child’ but I can’t! What’s wrong with me!

I didn’t mean to run so fast into the relationship. I actually fell pregnant by accident to my now fiancé. It was all a bit of a mess. If I could turn back time I would never have had a child with someone who already had children. It’s my biggest regret. But I wouldn’t change my son for the world and I do love my fiancé.

You wouldn't change your son for the world- maybe accept then that your partner feels the same way about all his kids instead of trying to stir the pot re paternity and push out a 3 year old.

If you had anything about you, you make an effort with his boy, stop whispering in your dp ear about not being his, accept him or walk away and co-parent your child. You were an adult in this situation, you were both responsible for contraception

Ok so you know all that time and effort getting to the right place in this existing family (your partner and his children) that you should have put in before having a baby? You have to do it now. You have to make the conscious decision not to let your fuck up, fuck up these kids. If you think you can’t get over yourself to see that this is a 3 year old baby who has had his world turned upside down in his wee short life then you need to be adult enough to remove yourself from his life and let his father parent him without your personal hang ups. You rushed in and skipped a shit load of steps. You have to do those steps now. There are no shortcuts to a happy family. Having your own baby with him doesn’t make it happen any faster. You have to put in the groundwork. If you aren’t interested in doing that then be a decent human being and end the relationship.

I came from a ‘broken family’ myself. My dad left when I was 2 and I didn’t see him for a few years... did I understand? No. Did I care? No. People bang on so much about how parents separating fucks kids up. It did not fuck me up what so ever. I started to see my dad when I was about 6-7 years old every Sunday. I didn’t really care whether or not I seen him. I was happy enough without him. As sad as that sounds. And I didn’t exactly have the worlds ‘best’ mother either. I came from a pretty working class household. I think people really over exaggerate the fact that parents splitting up damages the children.

When their parent gets with a parent who dislikes them it can be emotionally damaging especially a child so young that doesn’t understand what he’s done wrong.

People bang on so much about how parents separating fucks kids up

Actually, I wasn’t referring to his parents separating that will fuck him up. I was referring to his father suddenly having a new partner and a new son that he has to get used to and the. On top of that the partner can’t stand him. That sure as shit fucks a kid up. Whether you want to believe it or not, kids know when someone resents them to the point of wanting them to disappear.

I don’t do anything on purpose to show that I dislike him. I’m as pleasant as I can be towards him. If his own father, grandmother and aunt can’t bond with him, then why should I be expected to. I’m not mother Teresa.

It did not fuck me up what so ever

I wouldn’t be so sure of that.

then why should I be expected to.

Wow! Maybe because you’ve chosen to live with his parent and gave birth to his brother and will be tied to him for the rest of his life. Maybe because he is 3 years old and has done literally nothing wrong. Maybe because your sharing your home with him. Somethings which he has no choice in and is clearly finding that difficult. Maybe because you’re (supposed to be) the adult.

If you can’t see that then you need to walk away before you do some serious damage to this family.

Your an arsehole op

I’m an ass hole blah blah blah. I’m sure in my position you would be the best step mother of the year. Bollocks. Would you hell. And neither would most women. I know this as I’ve spoke to numerous step mothers who also find it tough.

What did you want to hear OP?

Get as defensive as you like but you're the one who resents the existence of a toddler. Is that really the kind of person you want to be?

I had the feeling that "I need to be more mature, what's wrong with me" mightn't be quite sincere.

No it not the sort of person I want to be. That’s why I need help to learn how to cope. As much as it is hard for the children to adjust to the new sibling, stepmother etc. It’s also hard for me to
Adjust to having to parent them and having them in my home. I have no experience with this and I am finding it hard. I do wish I could be better, more patient and more tolerant. I need to learn and develop this, I just don’t know how.

You sound immature, out of interest how old are you?

I called you an arsehole because you didn’t take notice of the fact people said how damaging your behaviour toward this child is

Well it starts with wanting to. You have to actually want to. Phrases like “why should I bond with him” aren’t coming from a place of wanting to bond with him or be a better step parent to him. That comes from an unpleasant place, one that isn’t conducive to improving the relationship.

For starters I suggest you accept he is your partner’s son biologically and draw a line under that. No good can come from continually questioning it. Your partner has chosen to raise him as his own son. So you have to accept him as such. He is his son like the girl is his daughter.

You are making excuses to justify and validate your thoughts towards your SS by saying you were fine and not fucked up by your own father leaving/no relationship.
You want your DS to be your partners only son.
You are picking on a baby OP think about that, a venerable little boy who has done nothing wrong, how would you feel if someone was doing that to your son!

First things first. He's 3. 3 year olds are difficult and any one who tells you their 3 yo is always well behaved is lying.

Cut him some slack. His behaviour will be shitty at times, just like your sons will be when he is 3.

However, 3 is a good age in that he will adapt. He'll get used to you, and his new sibling if you put the effort in.

Take it from me, it's much easier to bond with a 3yo than an 8yo or teenager or whatever. He will learn your house rules as he grows up rather than having them imposed on him suddenly, you'll have been in his life as long as he will remember and this could be successful if you want it to be

It's natural (in a backwards way) to resent him because youre protective of your own child. That has to stop. I get it, because you think your partner prefers him over your son. That ain't his fault. Take your resentment out on your partner. Tell him what you think he's doing.

If he changes it, great. If he doesnt, or you feel you can't stop resenting the child over something that's not his fault, your only option is to leave

It's not fair on your, the little boy or your son. He will pick up on your attitude towards his brother.

How utterly heartbreaking for that little boy! Please grow the hell up! I understand this may difficult for you, going from no children to three in such a short space of time but imagine how he feels his whole lifes been turned upside down. If its too much leave your dp to look after HIS children! Your dp has already told you it does not matter the paternity his ds and to be perfectly honest its none of your damn business!
Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot how would you feel? Treat that boy how you would like your son to be treated.

Oh the poor boy. This has made me really sad.
Sit down and imagine in three years when you have split up and he has a new family. Imagine your baby being hated by his jew stepparent. Imagine this woman spending time with your baby while wishing he didnt exist.
Sort yourself out.
Oh and its not just not just the splitting up that fucks kids up its the parents gettinh into relationships with people like you.

Actually I would understand if my partner moved on and his new partner didn’t like my son. Because I know exactly how it feels. I’m not doing anything wrong to him. As long as the new partner wasn’t mean to my son then that would be sufficient because I know how hard it is. I AM nice to him. And I am trying. I just feel like I am balls deep in a situation I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to raise someone else’s
Children. I don’t like other children enroaching on my home, time and love and upsetting my sons routine. Judge me all you like. I really should leave this relationship but I feel a responsibility to my son and partner as I would be breaking them up too. What a tough situation.

You need to split up now. You will damage this child even if you think you don't show it. You will. You have even been whispering on his ears about a dna test that he doesn't even want.
There's every chance your dp will decide he needs to spend more that four days a month with his children what will you do then.