Step mum woes...

[Saem12]

Hi all. A little background before I start. Me and my fiancé have a 9 month old son together and he has 2 children from a previous relationship. A boy aged 3 and a girl aged 5. We have the children every other weekend. When we have the children we always do really fun days out and try to make the time we have them as enjoyable as possible. By the time they leave I am exhausted! I do ALL of the housework in our home as my fiancé is so untidy... anyway this weekend just gone they kept saying how much they wanted to ‘go back to mummy’s house’. They have said this quite a lot before but particularly this weekend. It can feel like a bit of a kick in the teeth sometimes when you’re running round after them like a blue ass fly but hey ho that’s kids for you! But this weekend it really got to my fiancé and he was really upset about it. I don’t know why but it kinda frustrated me I was thinking are me and my son not enough to make you happy. And it feels like he takes time with our son for granted and wants to put him to bed early all time. If he was so upset about not seeing his other 2 children as much, then why isn’t he making the most of spending time with the child that he has got more of the time.

Furthermore it sounds awful to say but I am really not fond of my step son. It’s like his presence just irritates me. He’s naughty and is always taking toys off my son and making him cry. (They all have plenty of toys here and are not short of them). He said he doesn’t like my son (he’s 9 months old) and is always saying my son is trying to hurt him etc. It winds me up something rotten. I just wish he would bloody disappear. I know I sound horrible, evil, nasty etc. But I can’t help the way I feel! I wish I could be more tolerant of him but he drives me insane! I feel so overwhelmed all the time and wonder what the hell have I got myself into. I need to be more mature and just think ‘he’s a child’ but I can’t! What’s wrong with me!

[angryburd]

Why should you try and d
bond? Because you're marrying this boy's father and you've given birth to his half brother. He's not going anywhere.

[Saem12]

I do feel a lot of resentment towards my fiancé for how he treated me in my pregnancy and just after my son was born. I’m still sore about it now. And maybe that’s why I’m not being as loving as I could be with the kids.
When I was 35 weeks pregnant, fiancé rang me and said DSS has chicken pox and he’s coming over for the weekend but it’ll be okay because I ‘have to catch them sometime’ I was furious. So I
Called the midwife and she said because I’ve never had them before that I absolutely cannot go anywhere near anyone with the chicken pox. I was then told by my fiancé that his ex said I ‘should remover myself from the hosue’ Haha! The cheek. It’s my bloody house, I pay half of everything! Further to this it was our weekend to have the children again and I was 10 days over due and we had no one to have the children if I went into labour. (Both grandparents away and fiancé’s ex said it’s not her problem as it’s fiances time he needs to sort out childcare). Luckily I didn’t go into labour but the midwives kept saying I looked stressed and that I needed to stay relaxed to go into labour. I don’t think I could because I was worried where the kids were gunna go. Alas I had to be induced and it ended in an emergency c section. 3 days after my c section it was our weekend again and I was crying none stop everyday because I was so stressed out. I wanted everything nice and tidy in the house and to just be sat cradling my new born, my first child so I was very nervous. At this point the step kids were 2 & 4 years old and it was so hard. I feel like my partner should have put me first during this time but he never did. And I don’t think he ever will. I begged him and sobbed and sobbed to give me a break but he wouldn’t.

[angryburd]

Sounds like you have a partner problem rather than a stepson problem. Are you maybe projecting onto them because he is upsetting you? I had a similar experience with my ex and his family.

[Saem12]

Yes I probably am. Thank you for all your replies btw. Good and bad. I don’t know what to do I’ve tried to talk to my fiancé about how I felt at the time and how he treated me but he doesn’t want to know. We’ve had so many arguments over this. I just can’t get past it as I feel he is not sorry at all for how he treated me.

[pigeondujour]

I feel like my partner should have put me first during this time but he never did. And I don’t think he ever will.

Rightly so. If you wanted the luxury of coming first you should have chosen a childless man. Lots of them about. And I see you're trying to make the tide turn in the replies by dripfeeding. Unfortunately for you we can still all read your OP. I expect you'll become very concerned about your privacy shortly.

[Dancingmonkey87]

I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to raise someone else’s
Children. I don’t like other children enroaching on my home, time and love and upsetting my sons routine.

Why on earth get into a relationship getting pregnant and engaged with a man who already has dc! Your a disgrace! I’m ignoring your drip feed because your not getting the answerable you want so posting that you want some sympathy . I feel sorry for those two dc. You sound incredibly young and naive. I guarantee your relationship won’t last.

[gingergenius]

Ash yes. The 'poor me' drip feed.....

[Jaxtellerswife]

Had to stop reading the replies.
Op, I'm a step mum too.
You are an arse

[Ginger1982]

Your poor poor DSS. I could cry for him. You come across as a horrible person.

[DullAndOld]

" I don’t like other children enroaching on my home, time and love and upsetting my sons routine. "

well then you shouldn't have got with some guy who already has two small children should you?

You both sound vile. And nobody 'falls pregnant by accident' .

[scrabbler3]

You sound immature and self-centred. Work on that, and the rest will fall into place. Or, separate from your spineless boyfriend and co-parent amicably. Those are your choices basically, because the three year old is going nowhere.

[swingofthings]

I actually fell pregnant by accident to my now fiancé. It was all a bit of a mess. If I could turn back time I would never have had a child with someone who already had children. It’s my biggest regret. But I wouldn’t change my son for the world and I do love my fiancé.
Another 'accident' not long after getting together... Anyway, accident helped or not, maybe your OH feels exactly like what you've written above? That maybe if he could turn back time, he wouldn't get together with a woman who want a child. Maybe it is his biggest regret to have jumped into being a dad again that means he can't focus on his other two children as much as he could, but hopefully, he too wouldn't change your son.

[lunar1]

Maybe his existing children don't like you encroaching on their limited time with their dad.

[Ember12]

Maybe have some time apart? This isnt healthy for anyone involved.

[Bluetoo1]

A 3 year old is still almost a baby. If you had read up on child rearing you’d know it’s a tricky time as the child does not have the vocabulary or understanding to explain his distress, that he doesn’t want his parents apart, he doesn’t want to spend time in two homes, he doesn’t want a different woman in his life, he is jealous of the squalling baby in his home etc. You getting annoyed is unreasonable as you are the adult. The problem is with all the adults’ selfish behaviour here not the child.
I can’t see you getting the kind support you understandably want at this time from DP. But you could have some serious conversations with him to work a plan going forward which is doing the best for all.

[NotAllTimsWearCapes]

I just feel like I am balls deep in a situation I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to raise someone else’s
Children. I don’t like other children enroaching on my home, time and love and upsetting my sons routine.

Ok so you’ve been honest and you’ve acknowledged this isn’t the right situation for you. Now you have to be adult enough to get out of it. It isn’t fair to anyone to carry on resenting everyone. You’ve made a shit decision but you can change it. Tell your partner you’ve made a mistake and leave.

[PixieDust100]

I just feel like I am balls deep in a situation I don’t want to be in. I don’t want to raise someone else’s Children

Well then why the fuck did you get knocked up by someone that had kids, bloody moron!
But it was an ‘accident’ isn’t a good enough excuse when you knew you didn’t want to be a mum to other people’s kids!

Frankly, you sound vile.
And why wouldn’t he have his kids after you had your baby. They don’t disappear because you want them too!
You really should do his kids a massive favour and get out of there life’s now.

[MyKingdomForBrie]

Your dripfeed changes nothing for me, it’s still all about you you you. They’re tiny children and the man who you live with is their father. That means they live there too, it’s their home too. You’re obsesssed with it being your home - it’s also theirs. You got into a relationship with their father, they didn’t ask for this and they should not be pushed out. I’m a step mum too and I would simply have gone to stay with my mum or a friend if my dss had CP when I was pregnant. You’re damaging their development, literally damaging their little growing brains with your self centred callous bullshit.

[Winosaurus]

My baby boy is 3 and the thought of anyone resenting him or hating him breaks my heart You will see when your own son is that age that they are still tiny and so vulnerable.
You are not ready to be a stepmum and by staying with their daddy you are going to ruin their little lives.
Please leave and be selfless

[Saem12]

If I was looking for sympathy votes I would not have been so brutally honest now would I??? I’m simply giving you the full picture. To the people saying I’m a horrible person, that can’t make you a particularly nice person now can it? I have read so many posts similar to mine about step mothers that find it hard. I don’t see why anything I have said is that bad. As far as I can see it’s pretty natural to find your step kids annoying, especially if they’re particularly naughty and unkind and unaccepting of your own child who is an even more innocent 9 month old....

[Saem12]

Oh and ‘mykingdomforbrie’ whatever your name is.... I totally disagree with you
That I should leave my home heavily pregnant to let his children come round with the chicken pox when I’ve never had them. And my midwife agreed with me 100%. I cant go round to my mothers unfortunately as she lives in a 1 bedroom bungalow with her husband. I’m certainly not going to sleeping on a couch either at 36 weeks pregnant. Plus chicken pox are airborne the midwife told me so I probably still would have caught it even I had of gone elsewhere. What’s wrong with them staying at their mothers as a one off for this unforeseen circumstance and us picking up the time we missed when the pox was gone? I was trying to protect a life that hasn’t even come into the world yet,,,, they’re already toddlers in good health. My priority was to protect the health of my unborn child. You must be a very saintly woman. Not!

[stitchglitched]

Why are you holding a 3 year old to a higher standard than yourself? He has been through massive dusruption already in his short life and his father should have prioritised the stability of his existing kids instead of immediately throwing a resentful girlfriend and new baby into the mix. He is so little and is seeing his Daddy living full time with a new child, why wouldn't he feel unhappy and possibly unaccepting about that?

You and your partner put zero effort into blending families in a sensible and careful way, took no time to get a bond with his son before adding another child into the mix and you wonder why it isn't all going smoothly.

[HouseworkIsASin10]

I came from a ‘broken family’ myself. My dad left when I was 2 and I didn’t see him for a few years... did I understand? No. Did I care? No.

I really should leave this relationship but I feel a responsibility to my son and partner as I would be breaking them up too.

Didn't bother you growing up so why would it bother your son?

[stitchglitched]

I would also say that you should be honest with your partner about how you feel about his son. If he is any kind of father he will take steps to protect his son's emotional wellbeing and either end the relationship or look to have his contact time elsewhere. No child should be forced to be under the same roof as an adult who resents their existence. He can facilitate a sibling relationship between your baby and his other kids separately from you if needed.