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Step-parenting

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Original poster

Gender disappointment - dh has both, I don't

150 replies

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 16:42

I have been with DH for seven years, married for three. We have two boys and have just found out our third pregnancy is also going to be a boy, and I'm devastated.

I know it's silly and I should be happy to have a healthy baby, but I have always wanted a daughter. This will be our last child due to my health issues. I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard. Since I found out my third baby is another boy I feel resentful of DH. He had the opportunity to have a daughter with another woman and now I'm only ever going to have boys. His daughter was very close to her mum and we think the ex encouraged sd to behave badly when she used to visit us, even though we tried hard with her.

I know it's wrong but I've been looking up the ex on Facebook and its all pictures of her and sd doing mum and things together, trips out shopping, cake, horse riding etc. I feel so jealous that I'm never going to have that but that some other woman is with dh's daughter.

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

It doesn't help that the ex and him were childhood sweethearts and when we first got together I used to feel he was comparing us.

Just want to get over these awful feelings so I can enjoy my pregnancy and my boys.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

OP posts:

cherryontopp · 24/01/2018 22:14

So let me get this straight...

*your jealous of your husband who has a daughter that he doesnt see?

**your DHs reasoning for not pushing for access as 'he didnt want to upset DD' who was 6 years old and the time and wouldn't have a clue.

*He says he can't afford legal fees all these years but goes on to have 3 other kids.

*Your jealous of his ex who doesnt get a penny off the father of her child. Has he put any savings towards his daughter?

All you've done is make excuses and gender stereotypes.

Gender disappointment is not a bad thing, a lot of people experience it, but its more to do with your husband and his ex having a daughter isnt it? Thats what makes you bitter and pathetic.

Get a grip out of yourself

Winteriscoming18 · 24/01/2018 22:34

WildRosesGrow · 24/01/2018 22:41

I don't think the gender of your children necessarily affects a parent's closeness to them. I'm currently very close and spend a lot of time with my son, more than my daughter, as we have a hobby in common and he loves this. In the past he has been closer to my husband and my daughter has been closer to me. I love them both and they love me, as they grow older our relationship changes.

I also don't think you are being unreasonable having a pang of regret that your third child is another son. Give yourself time to privately grieve the loss of the daughter you had imagined, then hopefully you will be able to bond with the son you are going to have. You are not a bad person for feeling like this.

I do find it very irritating when people say you should be glad to have a healthy baby - what about people who have babies with disabilities? Are they not meant to feel happy about their lovely babies too? We all love our kids, but at times parenting can be tough. It's best to come to terms with the difficulties rather than berating people for being human.

pallisers · 24/01/2018 22:48

Sorry you wanted a daughter and didn't get one. I would be sad too - I really wanted a girl after I had my son.

Sorry you envy the woman your dh left alone, without money, and without any actual commitment to their child. That must feel really weird. You envy someone whom your dh has shafted.

I'm sure you worry about what would happen if your marriage ended - would be hard to have 3 children with no maintenance and no parenting from their father.

swingofthings · 25/01/2018 06:34

Op, I think you could really benefit from going to counselling as your post hint that you do have quite a few issues with the whole situation.

I would bet everything that if your SD's mum were to post her side of the story, it would be very different and probably highlight how he used to be a good dad having his DD regularly and that everything changed after he met OP and how he kept letting down his DD to the point where DD was emotionally affected and refused to go at all.

I think there is more to your feelings than what you've shared, and there is a bit of a pattern. You saying that you felt he was comparing you with his ex, the 'accidental' first pregnancy, contact stopping with his DD but him doing anything about it. Not having enough money to fight for contact with his DD, but somehow enough money to support another baby on the way, and then the decision to have yet another child and that huge disappointment that it is not the DD that you could replace for him.

I think consciously or not, you've been trying to erase the past for him and try to replace it with you and your children. It's one thing to be disappointed yourself for not having a DD, you won't be the first mother of three or more boys who feel like you, and most do get over it totally, but to feel like you're letting your OH down because you can't give him the DD that he's lost... that's another issue.

Chocolatecake12 · 25/01/2018 07:00

Putting aside the issue with the ex and your sd,
I actually think you need to get a grip. I would have loved to have had more children, I really wanted a large family. I am as lucky as can be to have my 2 ds’s. They made me the Mum I never thought I’d be.
If you wanted a third child then you surely knew it might be another boy. In the kindest possible way - get a grip and be grateful that a) you conceived, b) you’ve had a scan showing he’s healthy and c) that you are having a third child making you so so much luckier than many women.

Only1scoop · 25/01/2018 07:04

'Dh feels ex has brainwashed sd and there's no point chasing it through court as ex will just lie and be nasty.'

Ugh

That's ok then

Only1scoop · 25/01/2018 07:09

Ps great Username

I suggest you stop at three

And for your info boys shop, eat cake and ride horses too

Or wouldn't they make your FB photos girly enough??

TheOrigRightsofwomen · 25/01/2018 07:15

Dh feels ex has brainwashed sd and there's no point chasing it through court as ex will just lie and be nasty.

Bollocks.

JediStoleMyBike · 25/01/2018 07:21

Sounds like when the MIL tried to visit once this was more than your boyfriend bothered to do. Which is the entire problem in itself.
I assume he's putting money aside for DD so she has it in future when she comes looking for the 'truth'? No - thought not.
What a wanker. OP no better for excusing him.

TheMamaYo · 25/01/2018 07:22

That poor girl. I hope she has a beautiful life and recover from dead beat dad just giving up on her.

As for you and your husband.. just disgusted really. Stop whining. I'd be more worried about him leaving another three behind than I would be about gender.

InfiniteSheldon · 25/01/2018 07:27

Some horrific judgy posts on here from posters with zero knowledge of parental alienation. Losing contact with a beloved child or step child is soul destroying. OP. I think you are grieving for the dsd you have lost and the DD you will probably never have.

JediStoleMyBike · 25/01/2018 07:29

poor husband who can't be arsed with the kids he has now he's set up elsewhere. Must be alienated and not a total lack of effort.

InfiniteSheldon · 25/01/2018 07:29

Hmm didn't read the full thread

Middleoftheroad · 25/01/2018 07:31

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

OP I doubt he secretly wishes this given that he has shown NO interest in her.

Also, when you mentioned DD 'finding him one day' like Long Lost Family (when she's stll young and he knows where she is - just 30 miles away) and the onus is on HER? to find him it makes me want to shake you both.

Yet still you defend DH. do you know how you come across?

Middleoftheroad · 25/01/2018 07:36

What evidence do you have that he secretly wishes that anyway? Secretly wishing and coming to find somebody one day....this is far from a prince in a fairytale!

Greatestshow · 25/01/2018 07:41

I do get that you could be disappointed to be having your third boy although surely you were preparing yourself for that as as we all know there are no guarantees, you get what you are given.

Also it must be hard with peoples thoughtless comments like OMG three boys, you must be mad...etc.

I don’t get your jealousy about your stepdaughter or his ex as you don’t have anything to do with them.

Greatestshow · 25/01/2018 07:43

I don’t think the girl is a ‘beloved step child’ to the op by any stretch of the imagination. She doesn’t talk about her with any affection whatsoever.

Battleax · 25/01/2018 07:44

Yes I think infinite jumped in with both feet there missing both the between the lines bits and the later posts.

Middleoftheroad · 25/01/2018 07:53

Well dh seeing his dd isn't really what I was asking, that's dh's issue really

But it should be your issue too!

Appuskidu · 25/01/2018 08:00

I would love to read your DH’s ex’s version of this!

InfiniteSheldon · 25/01/2018 08:02

Yes Battleax my phone only gave me a oage, it's a subject that has seriously affected my family and I did rather leap there

greekyoghurt · 25/01/2018 08:16

You and your dh shouldn’t have had kids at all

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 25/01/2018 08:24

This thread has really got to me. Just such cruel behaviour.

Judging by the fact you're not disgusted with your partner, I can only assume you were perfectly happy for him to cut his dd from his family. More time for your own dc, after all.

And now you have the absolute gall to be gutted you can't just replace his dd wholesale with your third child. Would you even be thinking of his dd right now if you were expecting a dd of your own?

It's honestly the stuff of children's nightmares: their parent has another child with someone else and from that day they never see them again. It's horrifying.

You're painting a narrative that you're somehow doing your best for his dd by not taking his ex to court - this is somehow the most offensive of the lot. You and your partner are not good people and don't dare pretend otherwise.

Do you send his dd birthday cards + gifts? If not, why not?
Do you send her Christmas gifts? If not, why not?
Have you kept the maintenance that is rightfully hers kept by for her? If not, why not?

Is it because neither of you give a flying fuck about her, and you're concentrating on your 'true' family?

At the very least, block his ex from Fb so you never stalk her again. It's unstable behaviour.

Then ask your partner to have a long think. And if he does anything else other than initiate contact with his dd again - either approaching the ex directly or going through the courts - then he's an utter shit and by staying with him you're not much better.

ugghhreally · 25/01/2018 08:28

Get a grip and be grateful you're actually able to have children!

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