Gender disappointment - dh has both, I don't

[Disneymamma18]

I have been with DH for seven years, married for three. We have two boys and have just found out our third pregnancy is also going to be a boy, and I'm devastated.

I know it's silly and I should be happy to have a healthy baby, but I have always wanted a daughter. This will be our last child due to my health issues. I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard. Since I found out my third baby is another boy I feel resentful of DH. He had the opportunity to have a daughter with another woman and now I'm only ever going to have boys. His daughter was very close to her mum and we think the ex encouraged sd to behave badly when she used to visit us, even though we tried hard with her.

I know it's wrong but I've been looking up the ex on Facebook and its all pictures of her and sd doing mum and things together, trips out shopping, cake, horse riding etc. I feel so jealous that I'm never going to have that but that some other woman is with dh's daughter.

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

It doesn't help that the ex and him were childhood sweethearts and when we first got together I used to feel he was comparing us.

Just want to get over these awful feelings so I can enjoy my pregnancy and my boys.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

Your partner has a daughter he abandoned as her mum was difficult.
My partner’s ex is the most difficult person I’ve ever come across and he fights continually for his relationship with his daughter.
I know how hard it is to continue to push faced with the poison an ex injects but that’s just life. When a man puts his sperm near someone’s egg then he has to face the consequences.
Now you start to show an interest in her as she’s the girl you won’t have. If you were now pregnant with a girl would you be here in step-parenting posting about this lost step-daughter?
I really do hope that you and your partner talk through these feelings and find a way forward. Mostly I feel sorry for a little girl whose dad abandoned her because it was too much effort.

I still can't get over the fact that he just stopped turning up without a word. How many times did she sit there waiting for him to collect her? What an utter shit he is.

Seriously I cant get my head around a woman who could be with a man who not only didn't have contact with his child but didn't pay for the child's maintenance either. As we all know there's a 50% chance of having a girl/ boy every pregnancy so I can't think of anything to say except get over it.
I think you'll find once you mature that having children is a lot more than fantasising about what it's actually like.
I've never in my life done girlie shopping with my grown daughter and she hated horses! My son and I had much more in common though of course I love them equally. Children are individuals, either male or female but individuals

Ok on the one hand, I think your DH should have tried harder to see his daughter but that's not what you asked. As for disappointment, I had IVF for DS and when pregnant didn't care what he was I was just s happy to have a baby. I have a frozen embryo left and, yes, I would like it to be a girl but if I end up with boys I will be equally delighted to have healthy happy kids. You need to take a little reality check I'm afraid.

Argh - allow me a small rephrase please!
I said ‘The poison an ex injects’
Of course I mean ‘the poison that a difficult ex can inject’
I know my situation is super extreme and that ex’s are generally regular people. Hope I didn’t offend anybody with my sloppy writing.

So if your dh took your 3 dc away from you tomorrow, you'd feel the same yes? You wouldn't want to rock the boat or distress your dc, so you'd let them float on out of your life?

Very interested in this also. It’s been asked a few times now...

I think your partner was wrong. He should have continued to take time out for his daughter whilst you were sick- in the same way you’d expect him to be there for your children if you got unwell again with this pregnancy. He clearly doesn’t think he’s missing out on having a daughter- he’s quite happy for another man and his ex to raise his daughter, with no input of care from him at all. Whilst gender disappointment is an acceptable ‘thing’ now, being bitter at an ex looking after a child you and your boyfriend couldn’t be arsed looking after isn’t acceptable. You can ‘mourn’ not having a baby that you’d hoped for sex wise, but don’t try to justify you and your or tear treatment of the little girl he and you just abandoned.

My dh has the most difficult ex, lives 70+ miles away and my dh didn't have a driving license. We still went to see his boys, collect them for half terms, school holidays and weekends. When I had my first ds with my dh, his sons still came to stay with us, as planned for a two week half term and our ds was only a week old. Despite how difficult his ex has been, we have still pushed and pursued contact. My oldest ss lived with us for a while too and now lives just down the road from us with his girlfriend.

I don't understand how you can justify the mother making things difficult for your dh to see his dd, my dhs ex made our lives hell, bad mouthed us to my ss's and we still never missed seeing them, never missed a birthday, never missed Christmas... it sounds like you are very insecure and determined to push his dd out of the picture and that despite having your 3rd ds on the way, you still feel like you're not good enough for your deadbeat husband. If he leaves you, you're on your own. He won't pay maintenance, he won't see your children, and you'll still be staring at his ex's profile on fb mourning the dd you never had, even though you could have had an amazing sd. I speak to my eldest as every day, I speak to my second ss atleast once a week (he's at the too cool for parents stage right now) and mine and my dhs 3 ds's are very much adored by my ss's. We are a unit despite my ss's mother not wanting it to be so. You've made your bed with your sd and by not pushing your dh to have a relationship with her, you've set your own future in stone.

Oh and you aren't a step parent. You give actual step parents a bad name.

So you were the OW:

Known him 7 years : married 3 years and his daughter was 6. = right!!!
( now comes the defence of the position and how she was not the OW!)

In those circumstances one could understand the EX was not best impressed with either the father of her child or you and some effort was going to be required to establish a co parenting relationship.

She stopped the CSA claim because her EX was a "student" and she would probably have lost more in fees than he was alleging he could afford whilst having 3 more kids - right!!!!!

That did not mean he did not have to pay, he just did not have to use the CSA to collect his childs monies. He chose to be a complete cocksucker of a father and not pay anything - right!!!!!!

Children of course cost nothing to bring up.

He could not have afforded court but he could afford a new family.

He failed to turn up for contact because you were sick post new baby, just did not call, did not turn up because he showed his EX and his daughter that - he did not give a flying fuck about them. There is no sodding excuse, phone, whats app, text message. The ex did not have to be more helpful at the time - not her problem, your delightful selfish DPs. There was plenty of time - he just could not be arsed.

Were you pregnant - when he split up - hence the damage to a 6 yr old when her father did not turn up?

He made a choice which he did not have to, but he made it clear - his daughter was not his priority. He then stopped contact.

Believe me the EX did not need to do anything, he, enabled by you did all the damage to the poor girl.

Can the woe is me posts - your family's treatment of your sons half sister is so disgusting, you do not merit any sympathy.

So go for it Ex- post away on facebook, show that you and your daughter are survivors from two completely selfish twunts - no effort made to establish a relationship with her brothers, do not pay for anything in her life and really are just jealous because she is the daughter in your family!!!

You give step mothers a bad name and your DP gives NRPs an even worse name.

Rock on Ex - you are obviously doing a good job and enjoy annoying the OW as she cyber stalks you.

Lifeanduniverse is spot on I didn’t realise until the timeline was highlighted you were the ow. They were childhood sweet hearts he a child with her you come along they split you get pregnant and his dd is cut out in favour of a new family how bloody awful. You deserve not to have a dd and I hope it eats you up knowing your dh has a dd out there. I agree had your third been a girl you would never have written this thread.

Hhhhhmmmmm

The sd is 11 and she has been with dh for 7 years, that does not mean she was the ow or am I missing something?

The SD was 6 at the time when her df left she is now 11. He has been absent from her life for 5 years. Op said her and her dh were together 7 years and married 3. His ex and ops dh were childhood sweethearts so it looks highly likely she was the OW.

Do you really think, for one moment, that his daughter will believe that her mum, who has always been there, stopped her dad who was never there from seeing her? Really?

Especially when the details come out...

about how I'll not see them once they are older/married

This is bollocks. Gender doesn't change what someone's personality is. We see DPs parents once a week; he's close to them.

Having a third son isn't a problem; honestly. Having children with someone who tends to discard them when the going gets tough is a much bigger issue.

So what would happen if you had a little girl who didn't want to do all the things with you that you describe? Who didn't like shopping, horse riding, spending time with you etc? Would you be disappointed that you'd had a different 'sort' of little girl to the one you'd wanted?

Maybe your sons will like to do the above things with you.

Be grateful that you have healthy children.

Never seen a thread on stepchildren that is overwhemingly in agreement on the side of the mother.

I would love for your partners ex to be on mumsnet as i would like to give her a massive hug for putting up with your DH and you for so long before making a clean break.

I didn't even fully notice the timeline tbh. Even if OP wasn't the OW (though I'm starting to think something doesn't quite fit), their oldest must be around 3-4 years old minimum right? That's a very small gap if DSD's dad hasn't had much contact in 5 years.

My mind is still boggling at this tbh. Your DH just stopped turning up without a word, and then when he tried to ring a couple of months later the phone number didn't work? What if her phone had broken? He didn't send her a fb message or knock on her door all of 30 mins away. He just shrugged his shoulders and you decided that it was the ex's fault. The fact that there is a core of posters on this board who will always defend SMs and not a single one has shown up on your thread should tell you something.

Why is this in step parenting?

I’m struggling to see how someone could consider themselves a step parent to a child that their husband effectively abandoned. I’m pleased she gets to do nice things with her mum.

Congratulations on the baby, I am a ‘boy mum’ and think it’s wonderful

Can you imagine the little girl when her dad just didn’t turn up - no phone, no text, nothing. Again and again.

This is so upsetting. You are both awful, and what’s even worse, you think you’re in the right. Awful.

we didn't have the money at first and by the time we did we felt it had gone on too long, the ex had married someone else too and by all accounts sd calls that man Dad now so dh felt it would be pointless to rock the boat given how difficult ex has been, but if sd ever comes looking for him he'll obviously be able to tell her the truth

Oh your poor SD I feel so sad for her.
I don’t think I could be with a man who treated his DD like this.

If your DH took your DSs and changed his phone number would you ‘wait until you had money’ then think ‘it had gone on too long’ or think it was ‘pointless’? What could possibly be ‘pointless’ about seeing his daughter?
Don’t you see how awful he he to do this to his DD? No matter how awful his ex is NOTHING should have stopped him.

wow, a whole 30 miles away from you? Yeah. It's so hard travelling 30 miles to see your own daughter. FFS this thread is depressing reading.

Aside from the fact that your OH's behaviour as a father is despicable and yours leaves a lot to be desired, you sound like you need some genuine help. Please go and see a counsellor who will help you deal with your feelings over the gender and how to move forward.
In the meantime, stop stalking the ex. Seriously. And talk to your partner so you can put your paranoia/guilt to bed.

He has both, but he had no relationship with his DD. Would he even recognise her if she walked passed him in the street? I bet he wouldn't if he wasn't expecting her to be there.

That's nothing to be jealous of. Not by a long shot.

Wow, just wow. So you had a traumatic first birth whereby you and your DS almost died, and instead of being thankful for having healthy children and hoping to have a healthy third pregnancy/birth, you are obsessively jealous of a girl who does not have a father in her life?

Do you not feel sympathy for your DH’s daughter? Sounds like you have always been jealous of the poor girl and happily pushed her away when your children came along. Shame on the both of you!