Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6

Original poster

Gender disappointment - dh has both, I don't

150 replies

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 16:42

I have been with DH for seven years, married for three. We have two boys and have just found out our third pregnancy is also going to be a boy, and I'm devastated.

I know it's silly and I should be happy to have a healthy baby, but I have always wanted a daughter. This will be our last child due to my health issues. I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard. Since I found out my third baby is another boy I feel resentful of DH. He had the opportunity to have a daughter with another woman and now I'm only ever going to have boys. His daughter was very close to her mum and we think the ex encouraged sd to behave badly when she used to visit us, even though we tried hard with her.

I know it's wrong but I've been looking up the ex on Facebook and its all pictures of her and sd doing mum and things together, trips out shopping, cake, horse riding etc. I feel so jealous that I'm never going to have that but that some other woman is with dh's daughter.

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

It doesn't help that the ex and him were childhood sweethearts and when we first got together I used to feel he was comparing us.

Just want to get over these awful feelings so I can enjoy my pregnancy and my boys.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

OP posts:

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 19:36

Like I said you are an apologist for a dead beat Dad.

HE didn't turn up or even ring his child. No wonder the Mum got annoyed and changed her number.

My husband and I fought tooth and nail for my DSS when he was 4, nothing would have stopped him having access to his son.

He is 18 now and I love him so much. I couldn't have been with my husband if he'd just given up. I couldn't respect a man like that.

Does he even support his daughter financially?

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:36

Battleax my parents live close by and help out as I previously explained, if sd had lived with us as our sons do then they could have taken her too and dh could see her every day but that's a bit hard when the child lives 30 miles away

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 24/01/2018 19:38

Also (and yes, this a bit salt-wound-rubby) I'd ask why you actively tried to conceive a third when you knew you had such a strong gender preference? Maybe you didn't know back then? If you did know, then you have to suck it up. It's just not fair

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:39

No he doesn't pay maintenance but before I get attacked for that, again it was ex's choice, she and dh had always rowed about money and she phoned the csa and closed the case and said she didn't want any of dh's money because he would just hold it over her, dh was more than willing to pay though he was unemployed and a student for some time so it wasn't as though he had lots of money to begin with

OP posts:

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:40

Yes honestly I did try for number three as I was hoping for a girl, but we would have wanted 3 anyway, but yes that's partly why I'm finding this very difficult

OP posts:

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:41

But you don't just "inform" your coparent you won't be picking your child up for contact and you certainly don't FAIL to "inform" your coparent you won't be there.

You show up when you're supposed to. Or you make contact and apologise, explain, rearrange...

NotAgainYoda · 24/01/2018 19:41

well then

I'm sorry you feel like this, but I think that pregnancies last this long to help us get our heads round stuff

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 24/01/2018 19:42

Dh didn't want to rock the boat by forcing contact and a court case, that would have been distressing for sd.

So if your dh took your 3 dc away from you tomorrow, you'd feel the same yes? You wouldn't want to rock the boat or distress your dc, so you'd let them float on out of your life?

I think both you and your dh were happy with your new dc and your life together and your sd was superfluous to requirements. Except now you're jealous of his ex and the fact she's got a daughter. Quite disgusting, all round.

For starters, get a grip on yourself. Not because of gender disappointment, but because you're jealous of a woman who's child you merrily helped abandon without a father. Fuck sake.

lifechangesforeverinjuly · 24/01/2018 19:42

Ex changed her number but she's clearly on Facebook and you can see her profile so therefore hasn't blocked you - have you not tried contact through there?

Sounds like a whole host of excuses to me.

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:42

Then you reinstate normal schedule ASAP.

How long were you "nearly dying" for?

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 19:42

You can't be for real?

I can't believe any one is this blind to what a dead beat their husband is.

giveitfive · 24/01/2018 19:42

Congratulations! I grew up in a house of women. I now have sons and am the only girl in the house. I get to be the queen! It's awesome. I thought I desperately wanted a daughter. I was wrong. I wanted a family and it couldn't be more perfect.

Callamia · 24/01/2018 19:43

I agree that your husband’s abandonment of his daughter is the issue.

You’re clearly irked by it, that’s why you’re cyber stalking this girl’s mother. Why her? Why not any other woman you know with a daughter? It’s weird, and inappropriate. Stop it and think about it.

You write about ‘if she ever comes looking for him’ - really? You know exactly where she is, you’re stalking her on Facebook ffs. He’s not some wronged prince. He’s a shit dad.

ItsNiceItsDifferentItsUnusual · 24/01/2018 19:44

Also, the ex is probably doing lots of fun girly things with her daughter to make sure she doesn't have a completely shit childhood. Given her dad doesn't give a fuck, and all.

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:47

I was in hospital for 3 weeks then out for a week then had to go back in for another 3 then there were always lots of appointments etc. Obviously it wouldn't have been right for dh not to inform ex if things had been normal but it was a very scary time and he was worried and torn between putting his extremely sick girlfriend and newborn son first or giving up a Sunday with his daughter and maybe he didn't make the right decision but in the circumstances the ex could have been more understanding

OP posts:

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:50

She deleted her fb for a while back when it all happened, mil did go and knock at the door once but she didn't answer

I take your point though that it's not helpful for me to look at her fb

OP posts:

user1474652148 · 24/01/2018 19:52

You have a daughter op
You ave a beautiful step daughter whom is a sibling to your boys. Why can't you both get back in touch try and make up for lost time?
You can take her riding, shopping and be a friend and a good influence in her life?
You have a sd, she is already here. Your feelings are mixed with guilt and resentment but you can fix it

user1474652148 · 24/01/2018 19:53

Have

stitchglitched · 24/01/2018 19:56

So are you saying that he dropped contact without any explanation for 2 months? Or even longer? Did his DD know you were having a baby? So from her perspective Daddy has a new baby and stops turning up. Why couldn't he drive for 30 minutes to take his child out for a burger, or something?

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:56

So in seven weeks, he couldn't find five minutes to phone her. He was too worried to use a phone? He just went AWOL from his small DD's life without making contact?

Weezol · 24/01/2018 19:57

I think learning the difference between biological sex and percieved gender might help.

LML83 · 24/01/2018 19:58

Don't be jealous of your dh having a child he can't see that must be awful. He should be jealous you have a relationship wirh all of your children.

We see my in laws every Saturday, plus they help out with childcare on a Monday. Every man I know has a good relationship with his parents.

Some children don't stay in touch, but it's not a boy/girl thing.

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:58

Good luck with that weez. This is one of these completely dysfunctional situations that gives step parents and NRPs their bad rep.

Rockandrollwithit · 24/01/2018 19:58

I'm guessing both your previous babies were born healthy OP? Only people who have healthy babies have the luxury of gender disappointment as you assume everything else will be fine.

I've had a severely ill baby who we almost lost several times in the weeks after his birth. He's our second son. Neither of us want a third, but if we did I would not waste one single second of my time worrying about gender.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 24/01/2018 20:04

There must have been more than one missed Sunday though. And the ex just immediately stopped contact during your hospital stays?

You get how this looks right? Given that he's not going to court despite now being in a better position financially and having a third dc with his partner, rather than fighting for her and showing that he cares, even if it doesn't go anywhere.

she probably won't come looking

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6