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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment - dh has both, I don't

150 replies

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 16:42

I have been with DH for seven years, married for three. We have two boys and have just found out our third pregnancy is also going to be a boy, and I'm devastated.

I know it's silly and I should be happy to have a healthy baby, but I have always wanted a daughter. This will be our last child due to my health issues. I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard. Since I found out my third baby is another boy I feel resentful of DH. He had the opportunity to have a daughter with another woman and now I'm only ever going to have boys. His daughter was very close to her mum and we think the ex encouraged sd to behave badly when she used to visit us, even though we tried hard with her.

I know it's wrong but I've been looking up the ex on Facebook and its all pictures of her and sd doing mum and things together, trips out shopping, cake, horse riding etc. I feel so jealous that I'm never going to have that but that some other woman is with dh's daughter.

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

It doesn't help that the ex and him were childhood sweethearts and when we first got together I used to feel he was comparing us.

Just want to get over these awful feelings so I can enjoy my pregnancy and my boys.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

OP posts:

PotteringAlong · 24/01/2018 18:59

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

Surely he should wish he was in her life because, you know, she’s his child?!

FellOutOfBed2wice · 24/01/2018 19:00

It is what it is. You’ve got three healthy kids and you don’t get any say in it. I do think that your husband should be doing more to bring your step daughter back into the family though, after all she’s his child too and your sons sister- if you want a more female presence in the house this seems a good way to start!

MarmaladeIsMyJam · 24/01/2018 19:00

Well you could have a lovely relationship with your step-daughter...

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:01

I have two DDs are you going to "feel bitter" about that?

You sound unhinged.

Reading between the lines I think you've got a major issue with the ex and have done all along. Stop cyber stalking her. It's creepy.

Concentrate on your family and do NOT prod your DP into mucking that DD about any more for your entertainment.

Charismam · 24/01/2018 19:01

Ah right, read the update.

I interpret that as he let her down a LOT and he let their child down because even though he wasn't managing fatherhood to the child he had he was bringing more in to the world. I can see why the mother of his daughter was very frustrated with him :-/

frozenlake · 24/01/2018 19:02

Leaving aside the obvious a healthy child is really all that matters, as well as the fact that cake and horse riding and indeed bubbly baths can be enjoyed equally by both sexes, I have some sympathy for you. I enjoy occasionally doing very gendered things such as manicures with my dd. Before she was born I thought I would find it easier to bond with her and hang out with her, actually this isn't true, we love each other dearly but I do clash more with her than I do with her db. My MIL has only boys and has always been lovely to me and she loves doing girly things with dd who she describes as the dd she never had so there may be future relationships which will cover some of these wants for you.

If your DH wants a relationship with a dd he should start with the one he has by going to court if needed.

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:03

Im suspicious about what your own behaviour around contact was like TBH.

You sound like one of those crazy ladies nobody wants for a SM.

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 19:03

Concentrate on your family and do NOT prod your DP into mucking that DD about any more for your entertainment.

This, and stop invading their privacy by looking at pictures of them on their face book.

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:06

Dh probably didn't act well but I was seriously ill and his son had just been born, at one point it was thought his life was in danger too, ex would give him no leeway on seeing sd given the travel was difficult and he thought both of us might die. Ex was a difficult person to deal with in general, she didn't like me being on the scene, pumped sd to get info over what we were feeding her then phoned dh to haul him over the coals, booked tickets to events like Disney on Ice on days dh was meant to have sd...

OP posts:

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:08

She asked her own DD what she'd eaten at her dad's and booked special event tickets? Doesn't sound like awful behaviour.

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:09

Don't you think you'd do better to concentrate on your own MH instead of stalking and vilifying this woman?

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:09

Well obviously there was more to it than that but it was just lots of little things, she clearly did not want sd to have contact with us.

OP posts:

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:10

Maybe she could sense that you were jealous and worried about that around her child?

You're making lots of leaps and blurs.

stitchglitched · 24/01/2018 19:15

Has your DP ever sought any legal advice or mediation on contact with his daughter?

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:20

No he hasn't, we didn't have the money at first and by the time we did we felt it had gone on too long, the ex had married someone else too and by all accounts sd calls that man Dad now so dh felt it would be pointless to rock the boat given how difficult ex has been, but if sd ever comes looking for him he'll obviously be able to tell her the truth

OP posts:

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:22

What "truth"?

stitchglitched · 24/01/2018 19:22

Doesn't that bother you? You had another 2 children whilst he had made no basic attempt to have contact with his existing child.

stitchglitched · 24/01/2018 19:22

Doesn't that bother you? You had another 2 children whilst he had made no basic attempt to have contact with his existing child.

MysweetAudrina · 24/01/2018 19:22

I have 2 beautiful sds and i have 2 sons. I also have a dd who hates pink, won't wear girls clothes, wants to wear a boys tux to an upcoming wedding, plays on the boys football team, asked for a football strip for her birthday, hates make up and girly stuff. Just because you have a girl doesn't mean she will fit your bill.

You have lost out on the chance to have a girl by not including your sd in your family. She is a real life girl not a wish or a want and she is growing up not knowing her brother and then her. I would be heartbroken to think my children had missed out on their siblings. My sds adore my 2 little ones and vice versa.

It sounds like your jealousy has been alive before now. Maybe your sd picked up on it and the fact her dad was not overly concerned with her and that is why she was unhappy going to you.

Tiredmum100 · 24/01/2018 19:26

If my oh changed his phone number and I couldn't see my sons I'd just give up and but contact too. Oh no wait, sorry I would go to the house/school/seek legal advice and get regular contact in place. NOTHING would stop me being part of my childrens lives. Your partners behaviour is just plain weird. In regards to being disappointed to having another boy, I get that for all of two minutes in my experience. I thought my second was going to be a girl but has turned out to be the most fab boy ever. You need to stop stalking the ex and try and focus on your new baby. All this "a son's a son til he finds a wife" is a load of all tosh. I know plenty of grown make adults who have brilliant relationships with their mums. So we can't go girly shopping and get our nails done together (unless they want to). It's not the end of the word.

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 19:27

Couldn't afford a solicitor but can afford another 3 kids.

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:30

The truth that it was the ex who chose to stop contact. We still wanted to see sd, of course it was awkward for us with the baby for a while but we never wanted to stop seeing her, that was her mum's choice not ours. She still lives in dh's hometown and doesn't speak to mil or any of his family despite passing them in the street and it's obviously hard for them too. Dh didn't want to rock the boat by forcing contact and a court case, that would have been distressing for sd.

OP posts:

Battleax · 24/01/2018 19:32

of course it was awkward for us with the baby for a while but we never wanted to stop seeing her,

What did you do with your eldest and second boy when the younger babies were born? How long did you go without seeing them?

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 19:34

Also our first son was unplanned but obviously when he came along we wanted him to have siblings close in age and by the time we were ready to ttc our third our finances were fine, but a lot of time had passed with not seeing sd.

I suppose it's true that stepmums get a hard time but it's not always cut and dried, maybe dh should have fought harder but he did what he thought was the best for sd which is more than you could say for her mum who was the one who stopped contact

OP posts:

NotAgainYoda · 24/01/2018 19:35

If you already have two boys then I'd hope you'd see that they are individuals, possibly very different from each other and therefore can't possibly be defined by gender stereotypes

Also (and I mean this kindly) children don't exist to make us happy or amuse us. Of course they do quite often but that's not their raison d'etre

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