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Step-parenting

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice and support.

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Original poster

Gender disappointment - dh has both, I don't

150 replies

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 16:42

I have been with DH for seven years, married for three. We have two boys and have just found out our third pregnancy is also going to be a boy, and I'm devastated.

I know it's silly and I should be happy to have a healthy baby, but I have always wanted a daughter. This will be our last child due to my health issues. I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

Dh has an 11 year old daughter from a previous relationship that he hasn't seen in 5 years due to her mother being very difficult and making access hard. Since I found out my third baby is another boy I feel resentful of DH. He had the opportunity to have a daughter with another woman and now I'm only ever going to have boys. His daughter was very close to her mum and we think the ex encouraged sd to behave badly when she used to visit us, even though we tried hard with her.

I know it's wrong but I've been looking up the ex on Facebook and its all pictures of her and sd doing mum and things together, trips out shopping, cake, horse riding etc. I feel so jealous that I'm never going to have that but that some other woman is with dh's daughter.

DH doesn't really talk about his daughter but now I can't help but think he secretly wishes she was still part of her life because now that's his only chance to be a dad to a girl.

It doesn't help that the ex and him were childhood sweethearts and when we first got together I used to feel he was comparing us.

Just want to get over these awful feelings so I can enjoy my pregnancy and my boys.

Has anyone else had to deal with this?

OP posts:

Weezol · 24/01/2018 20:05

Battle I know. I know. God loves a trier...

LouHotel · 24/01/2018 20:08

Your not a step mum and your partner would actually have to be a parent to the little girl for that to be true.

Your DH gave up on a 6 year old child - he is scum. So he doesnt pay maintenence because she would accept doesnt stop him from it into bank account to give to her whe n she's 18. Doesnt stop him sending birthday cards and christmas presents. That little has learned at 6 years old that she was unwanted.

He should be ashamed of himself.

Battleax · 24/01/2018 20:11

Battleax · 24/01/2018 20:12

That was to weez

Naillig222 · 24/01/2018 20:13

Not sure why this is in step-parenting?

Look at how your husband treats his daughter. That should make you feel better about not having a daughter with him.

lunar1 · 24/01/2018 20:14

Fuck me this is appalling behaviour from you and your dead beat boyfriend. The only gracious thing you can do right now is to stop being a creepy stalker.

At the very leas I hope he has saved all that unpaid maintenance to give her for uni etc?

Chugalug · 24/01/2018 20:14

I think ,if your third child was a girl,you wouldn't of wrote this thread.i think you were ok with her not being in your life ,while you had a chance at having a girl...now you realise no little girl for you, suddenly your stalking her on Facebook...

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 24/01/2018 20:17

think ,if your third child was a girl,you wouldn't of wrote this thread.i think you were ok with her not being in your life ,while you had a chance at having a girl...

This.

Weezol · 24/01/2018 20:22

Chug Spot on.

Chugalug · 24/01/2018 20:26

It's life isn't it.....you reap what you sow....you ,op ,had years to help your dp step up to his responsibility,but you didn't,probably thinking one day you would have a girl of your own,so you didn't bother...karma

Original poster

Disneymamma18 · 24/01/2018 20:26

Well it's obviously very easy for everyone to make a judgement but if you'd had to put up with the ex and her nasty behaviour you might think differently

OP posts:

Weezol · 24/01/2018 20:30

Lovely456 · 24/01/2018 20:31

If you both ever split up I wouldn't guarantee on him being around for your kids. Men like that can never love a child properly. They just play at family depending on what partner they are with.

lunar1 · 24/01/2018 20:32

We wouldn't think differently, 99.99%of us would crawl over broken glass for miles to see our children. Not abandon them and carry on procreating.

Callamia · 24/01/2018 20:35

Would you give up your children so easily?

I’m curious about what your sons think about her? Do they even know she exists? Do they ever worry that he will dump them too?

CPtart · 24/01/2018 20:38

As he has paid no maintenance, has your DH been putting money into an account for his only DD, in lieu of all the thousands his ex has saved him in childcare over the years?

Blackteadrinker77 · 24/01/2018 20:39

So if your dh took your 3 dc away from you tomorrow, you'd feel the same yes? You wouldn't want to rock the boat or distress your dc, so you'd let them float on out of your life?

Can you answer this OP?

Bluedoglead · 24/01/2018 20:45

So he’s got no money for a solicitor but he can afford 3more kids?

And he just didn’t bother to turn up to contact with his dd for weeks and weeks with no communication?

Sometimes I read stuff on here that staggers me. This is one of those times.

His ex didn’t stop contact. He did.

You better look and learn. Because that’s what he will do to you and yours when it doesn’t suit him any longer.

Bluedoglead · 24/01/2018 20:50

And he dossed about being unemployed and a student to minimise his maintenance requirements and when she decided she didn’t need the fiver a week and he could stuff it, suddenly he could get a job again?

Fuck. Me.

Lovely456 · 24/01/2018 20:52

I dont actually think you have to pay at all if you are a student bluedoglead.

UnicornsandRainbows1 · 24/01/2018 20:56

I don't think I would OP. I'd rather wait outside their house every day to just get a glimpse of my child and just to know that we're a bit closer to each other than to even have the remote possibility of having nothing to do with them.

Having to leave my baby behind in the hospital after surgery was the most difficult things I had to do (just for reference). How someone just doesn't bother willingly to fight tooth and nail is beyond me

Alisvolatpropiis · 24/01/2018 21:01

Boohoo op

user1499786242 · 24/01/2018 21:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

reallyanotherone · 24/01/2018 21:34

I only have sisters and I'm quite girly and I worry I won't be able to connect with my boys when they are older

I fucking hate this attitude. What exactly is it about your boys that make you think you won’t “connect” with them? Do you think you can only connect with someone that has the same sex organs as you?

Think about it. Why? Do women sit and discuss their vaginas while boys talk about erections and penises? No. They talk about shared interests. And boys can like shopping, girls can like football. It’s personality that defines whether you get on, not genitalia.

If that’s your attitude i’m not supprised your husband doesn’t see his dd. After all, what would they talk about? I’m sure all she’s interested in is ponies and unicorns and glitter. Your future with your boys is the same, unless you get this sexist shit out of your head and bring them up as people, not penises. Find shared interests, do things with them you both enjoy. Build the relationship.

WhiteCat1704 · 24/01/2018 21:40

"don't think I would OP. I'd rather wait outside their house every day to just get a glimpse of my child and just to know that we're a bit closer to each other than to even have the remote possibility of having nothing to do with them."

Unicorn IF you did that(and were male) and the EX called the police you would get lifted and into cells for 24 or 48(weekend) hrs. If you did if often enough you would get charged with harassment and stalking and be on bail. The charges would most likely get dropped but it wouldn't matter. Getting arested and being on bail is traumatic enough.

That would and DOES happen to men who are truly not letting go of their children and have a crazy EX.

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