Can't stand to be around SS.

[ElizaDoolittle123]

My step son is 5 years old. I've tried to make the effort with him over the years but to no avail.
He basically rules the roost at home, he is the favourite. He has no rules, boundaries discipline and he gets priority over his older sisters.

All this has changed since he came to ours on weekends. I have my own children similar ages, and treat them all equally and that includes rules and boundaries.

As you can imagine I'm far from his favourite person, but I do try to chat to him, play with him, engage with him, we take him places. I love his sisters and there are no issues there.He never so much as acknowledges me.
This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
When he see the cake he excitedly went to OH "ohhhh is that mine". When OH said yes and told him I made it, he made a face went urggghhh and turned his nose up.
He refused to thank me for the cake or eat any of it, he wouldn't join in the party, or accept any food that I served him he moaned at his dad to get it for him.
He spent the first half of party alone indoors. He came outside eventually didn't interact with anyone or join in the games, when he heard my newborn crying, and my OH picked her up, he cried until OH passed our newborn to one of the other children to hold him like a baby on his knee for the duration of the party.

He turns his back on me when I talk to him,looks me up and down gives me black looks, he acts like a baby and talks in baby language most the time. He cries and moans constantly mostly for his own way. But sometimes for no reason.
He wakes the whole house up between 5am and 6am because he can't watch a DVD/play quietly with his siblings. (Despite me pleading with him not to wake me up as I'm doing night feeds with a newborn.) The other morning he was throwing stuff at my bedroom door at 5am, I was up at 4am feeding my daughter.
I have got to a point where I can not stand the thought of him in my house eating my food, having to do it all again over xmas. I'm returning from maternity in December leaning my baby, to work to buy them all xmas presents when I don't get any gratitude. And I resent that thought. Everything about him annoys me. I feel like he has no endearing qualities to focus on.
I feel like an awful, nasty, evil person for proclaiming I actually hate a child. There I've said it I hate a 5 year old! I have tried for so long to tell myself this i parenting it's not always easy but I can't do it anymore.
I can't just leave the relationship. I have a newborn baby and my own children who have bonded with OH. Will this get better? I feel like this is consuming me I dread the weekends he visits. I think he may have some form of autism but with OH burrying his head in sand I can't see situation getting any better.

Love bomb him and mean it.

What's love bomb?

Has he always been like this or since the birth of your baby? It's clear as day he was the youngest child and from his POV he's been replaced by a newborn baby he's no longer the baby and it can be a difficult pill to swallow for a child even in an nuclear family where are no step parents. I second you've got to love bomb him he's only little still he got a lot of learning and growing to do. My DS was a nightmare at 5 but he soon grew out of it. Don't forget he's goes to his DF where your DC get to see him all the time plus a new baby in the mix is a lot for a 5year old.

My db was 5 when I was born he was a nightmare and hated me and that was with us sharing both parents. It's quite common for jealsous occur especially at that age. Does your dh do things seperately with him?

He's always been like this.I don't think the birth of my daughter has made much of a difference. We've been together all he can remember so it's not like I'm the woman that took daddy away.

He gets most the attention in the house when he's here. He takes it away from his sisters because he's so demanding that's why I think I have a bond with them more.

He sounds a massive pain in the arse. But he sounds unhappy too, and he's only little. I agree with the live bombing approach.

LOVE bombing

Not live ammunition 😄

So this little 5 yr old boy, has in his short life never lived with his dad, has had to become part of a blended family even if he doesn't want to, and had a new sibling.

Is it any wonder you have issues.
He is an angry child, perhaps instead of stating you can't be around him, both you and your DP investigate techniques to help him. Love bombing just being one.

It doesn't sound like austism but jealsously it can be hard for the youngest to suddenly not be the youngest hence why he is regressing and acting up.

Obviously you have a baby now but you should have worked on your relationship with him prior to having a child together this has more than likely worsen his behaviour. 5 year olds are hard but they get better. You need to realise you can't let your feelings cloud your relationship with him. He's here to stay and very much a member of the family you need to fake it to make it or leave your relationship.

I would suggest you maybe step back and encourage your dh to have one to one quality time with plenty of reassurance. You might find this improves the situation.

He does get babied a lot at home by his mum. She talk to him in baby language still. So I'm thinking he doesn't like not being the baby anymore, but he seems to have made nothing of her since she's been here. It's hard with so many children fighting for affection.

Not to be deliberately confusing or oppositional with the above suggestion of the love bomb (which I think is where you just constantly shower affection and attention), but how about taking a giant step back?

Or if anyone needs to try that approach, maybe it could be your OH since he's who the child clearly wants? That could run in tandem with you taking a step back.

Do you have him/his sisters every other weekend? Next time your SS is due to come round, could you say to your OH that it would be nice if he took his son out to do something special with him by himself? That might help the boy feel more secure and reduce the jealousy of the baby with the added bonus of saving your sanity.

Also, you mention possible autism. I presume your SS is in reception class right now if he's 5. Do his teachers have concerns? Does his mother? I have an autistic son and quite apart from the issues surrounding being a step-parent, no that's not going to go away and no it's not going to get better without help.

Please don't blame the mother here it's not relevant and unfair. What is relevant is how you approach him when you see him. Of course he doesn't like being the baby my brother hates me as baby he went from being the youngest to the middle child plus I was the girl. Of course he's fighting for attention he doesn't live with his DF your DC do so they see him all the time. He comes to his DF and there's your DC his sisters and a baby.

As others said why don't you take your DC out and let your dh take his DS out on his.

The problem is his 2 sisters come to visit to and he has to spread himself thin. He already does a lot of one to one with him and I worry his siblings will soon regress also. I've really tired with him I've found stuff he enjoys to try and engage him and it doesn't work. He won't even be in same room as me. I darent even tell him off over last few times they've visited in fear he will dislike me more but then my own children feel resentment for unfair treatment, so I'm at a complete loss.

What positive strategies are in place to help him deal with his current issues?

If SS really does have SEN and his sisters don't then they aren't going to regress and display the same behaviour as him and also they'll have to come to understand that SS needs to be treated differently and will behave differenetly than them.

He wants to spend time with his DF not you, this is why he is acting out. How long have you been in his life? Why doesn't your dh take his sisters and him out and you take your dcs out seperately. It sounds as if you've tried to blend your families too quickly then you've now gone on to have a baby when you've already got a lot of
DC how many DC do you have? Does DS have his own bedroom at his DF?

OP how many dcs do you have & what are their ages?
Also what ages are your dsds?

Mostly we all go out together because I have a girl same sort of age as his, and my boy is also 5 the children all get on together really well, and they want to do stuff together. We have them every other weekend the DS monopolises his dad from the girls from moment he is here. He's on his lap and it's pretty much like that for duration he's a really good dad he plays with him and is really hands on.

What does he really really love? Any food or place he really enjoys? Try to take him out for half a day, just you and him.
Have a huge smile on your face and really try to get him to relax around you, bonus points if you can get him to crack a giggle.

For some reason his clearly not comfortable around you, change that and his behaviour will improve.

Also the girls will have time alone with their dad, everyone wins!

I do take a step back trust me on that one. I've had periods where's I've let DH take the lead with him, after giving up forming a bond and I just let him get on with it. DH wants us to bond and have a positive relationship with him. I think he sees that he has such a good bond with my children and wants same for his from me.

So you have 2 DC , he has 3 plus your newborn no wonder you oh is spread so thinly that's 6 DC in total. I'm guessing your SS shares a bedroom? Regardless if your DC are the same age I would encourage your oh to spend some time away from your DC and focus his attention on his DC who doesn't get to see often now again especially as when your all together the attention is divided over 6 DC rather than his 3dc who don't live with him. You might find this improves the situation.

It seems like we go in a vicious cycle I make effort find something he enjoys to do with him I can't engage him so give up and let him get on with it. Then we try again this was the last ditch attempt of trying again.