Can't stand to be around SS.

[ElizaDoolittle123]

My step son is 5 years old. I've tried to make the effort with him over the years but to no avail.
He basically rules the roost at home, he is the favourite. He has no rules, boundaries discipline and he gets priority over his older sisters.

All this has changed since he came to ours on weekends. I have my own children similar ages, and treat them all equally and that includes rules and boundaries.

As you can imagine I'm far from his favourite person, but I do try to chat to him, play with him, engage with him, we take him places. I love his sisters and there are no issues there.He never so much as acknowledges me.
This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
When he see the cake he excitedly went to OH "ohhhh is that mine". When OH said yes and told him I made it, he made a face went urggghhh and turned his nose up.
He refused to thank me for the cake or eat any of it, he wouldn't join in the party, or accept any food that I served him he moaned at his dad to get it for him.
He spent the first half of party alone indoors. He came outside eventually didn't interact with anyone or join in the games, when he heard my newborn crying, and my OH picked her up, he cried until OH passed our newborn to one of the other children to hold him like a baby on his knee for the duration of the party.

He turns his back on me when I talk to him,looks me up and down gives me black looks, he acts like a baby and talks in baby language most the time. He cries and moans constantly mostly for his own way. But sometimes for no reason.
He wakes the whole house up between 5am and 6am because he can't watch a DVD/play quietly with his siblings. (Despite me pleading with him not to wake me up as I'm doing night feeds with a newborn.) The other morning he was throwing stuff at my bedroom door at 5am, I was up at 4am feeding my daughter.
I have got to a point where I can not stand the thought of him in my house eating my food, having to do it all again over xmas. I'm returning from maternity in December leaning my baby, to work to buy them all xmas presents when I don't get any gratitude. And I resent that thought. Everything about him annoys me. I feel like he has no endearing qualities to focus on.
I feel like an awful, nasty, evil person for proclaiming I actually hate a child. There I've said it I hate a 5 year old! I have tried for so long to tell myself this i parenting it's not always easy but I can't do it anymore.
I can't just leave the relationship. I have a newborn baby and my own children who have bonded with OH. Will this get better? I feel like this is consuming me I dread the weekends he visits. I think he may have some form of autism but with OH burrying his head in sand I can't see situation getting any better.

Sorry if someone has already mentioned this as I haven't read all the replies. The 5 year old boy is being 'loyal' to his mum. She probably doesn't like you that much (correct me if I'm wrong) as you're with her ex. In any case, he is being 'loyal' to his mum is the most likely explanation. Try talking his mum up and bringing her into conversations , e.g. I bet mummy makes you lovely cakes, what do you love doing with mummy? that sounds great....

His mum hates me my name is dirt in that household we've had a lot of issues with her.

Yes I know he's only 5 but he's old enough to know that his behaviour is rude and disrespectful. I agree he's crying out for attention and his dad is in a difficult position. He's not the baby anymore and that's tough for any child, even in a family where parents are together. Allowing him to treat the OP badly is going to make the situation worse not better. Sorry to sound harsh but he sounds like a spoiled brat! And before I get flamed, I'm not a cold-hearted child-hater, I'm a nursery teacher!

This little boy needs lots of attention and love. Fake it, fake it, fake it until you start almost believing it yourself. And move over to let your DH give him lots of attention, this includes taking the baby off him for contact weekends.

Your DSS does have a raw deal, like so many non-resident step children. Not only does his half-sister get his dad most of the time, his step-siblings do, too! This might be hard to fathom as a grown up, but for the child it is a screaming injustice. His older sisters had some time at home with dad, he did not. You say he gets the most attention when he is there, accept that he needs it and that he should get it, so you can stop resenting it. Your baby can do without daddy for a day and a half every fortnight for the next couple of years.

I say all of the above as both a mother and a step mother myself, not that it should matter. My own DC live with both parents, and knowing first hand how tough it is even in fairly functional step families I hope this will always be the case.

She doesn't hate me because of the children. She was quite happy to dump them on me whilst she spent benefit money in a 5 star all inclusive for a week leaving me pregnant doing 2 school runs in morning. On DS first week of primary school because DH didn't have any annual leave.

Hiya believe me I know how you feel and I really do sympathise, but that is the problem here. His mum 'hates you' , so he is being loyal to his mum by not being friends with you although he would probably actually like to be friends with you. Don't blame the child he is the victim here. Start talking the mother up in front of him and don't make any negative references about her at all. Try that for a couple of weeks and see if it makes a difference. He is being loyal after all which is a very honourable quality, I bet you'd want your child to be loyal to you if the situation was reversed....

Stop taking control of things and let his dad do them. Why must you get credit for his birthday cake? Why must you organize every event? You are doing them for praise from a 5 year old.

LET HIS FATHER BE HIS PRIMARY PARENT

You sound like a good person OP. As you have said you have tried many times. Unfortunately the only solution is perseverance! Although he is 5, he is ONLY 5. And things can change massively with months & years. He is immature, and responding the only way he knows how. Just be there, be consistent and fair and in it for the long haul. Hopefully he will grow to accept his situation and he'll realise this is permanent. Treat them all the same and trust me, as a stepchild myself he will one day appreciate this.

Don't need to slag the mother off she's not relevant the issue is with your step son and sorting the problems out. Does your oh provide maintenance for his DC?

She was quite happy to dump them on me whilst she spent benefit money in a 5 star all inclusive for a week leaving me pregnant doing 2 school runs in morning.

Shocking. Not from her, but from you. Ugly, nasty and vicious. She left them with their dad, the other, equally valid and capable parent. She then went on holiday. None of your business how she paid for it.

Let me fix the heartless and insulting statement quoted above for you: She was confident her ex, the children's father, would look after them while she was on holiday, as he should. Unfortunately, he dumped his children on me

He pays maintenance yes it is relevant when she's obviously their biggest influence. She knew he couldn't get time off work because he used the annual leave having them in holidays. She was happy to leave them with me so she's obviously got no issue with my parenting.

Then he needs to pay for childcare instead of dumping them on you.

pax you don't know that. I'll bet she was well aware op was doing the looking after if she's anything like my ss mother. She saw my maternity leave as free childcare. She full well knew that dp would be working but it's ok because Phoenix is at home isn't She? It's little wonder why ss lives here now.

Oh and if op went away without her kids or step kids i bet the reply wouldn't be the same.

Op I think you do just have to fake it until you make it. I'm not going to lie and say I love ss the same I way I do my own son but we get on and really you just have to get on with it. I no longer do free childcare and he is dps responsibility. Taking a step back has helped me x

Your comments about the ex just make you look bitter and unpleasant.

Oh and if op went away without her kids or step kids i bet the reply wouldn't be the same.

The response would be exactly the same. I am a mother and step mother myself. I do a bit of travelling without kids, as does my DH and the DSC's mother. He is a parent and if the child needs looking after he needs to get paid help or do it himself since OP resents it, as is her right of course.

We took them all on holiday and he just started new job so he couldn't take anymore time off she knew that but her attitude was someone will be home. Anyway name calling her isn't productive and something we don't do in front of kids.

I don't resent it at all I'm just saying if I'm good enough to look after them why bad mouth me to them?

The problem here is that all this has created a them and us scenario

You've just stated that your DP has undermined you but is getting better well I'd say that's where the problem lies

A 5 year old desperate for attention knows the only way to get it is to play up when there are so many children and your DP has been playing Disney day coupled with the first testosterone surge and there you have it

It would perhaps be beneficial for you to take a huge step back and let you DP be the main parent and voice of authority however I suspect if he doesn't like being the bad guy it's he's very happy to throw you into the role as the disciplinarian

Family meeting family rules let the children make their own ground rules and punishments be really transparent and see how it goes but 5 is still very young

There's a book called what every parent should know which might help you to see you ss as the child he is trying to form an attachment to his family and not a naughty boy who needs to be told off there's a world of difference.

Ultimately you have DP problem sand not a SS one because you are the adults

I still see no relevance to the child's mother in regards to his behaviour he is clingy to his DF is desperate for his approval.

I don't resent it at all I'm just saying if I'm good enough to look after them why bad mouth me to them?

Read back what you have said about a 5 year old child then what you have said about his mother. You can't hide your contempt.

She was quite happy to dump them on me whilst she spent benefit money in a 5 star all inclusive for a week leaving me pregnant doing 2 school runs in morning

She can spend her money how she wants. Your pregnancy is not her concern. She left her children with their father. If he isn't up to caring for them, it is him you need to be having a discussion with.

I want to love him like his sisters I really do. He is just so rude and disrespectful to me everyone comments on it. The problem is that he can't ever say no. I'm not overly strict just basic things like manners, eating your vegetables before desert, not responding to temper tantrums. I would like to think I'm quite laid back. My OH is horizontal.

The fact you say you love his sisters and not him he will pick up on your behaviour and how you interact with his sisters and how you interact with him.

Well, pregnancy wasn't an illness last time I checked, and aside from which if you chose to have another baby despite having five kids between you one of whom you hate I don't see why the mother should give two shits quite frankly.

And your reference to her spending benefit money on a holiday is just spiteful. She left her child at his father's house. The fact the father wasn't there and you were expected to pick up the childcare isn't her problem. But given your attitude towards her I'm not surprised she doesn't have very good things to say about you.

Is it because he is a boy?

Sex of child is irrelevant it's because of his behaviour and that I get nothing back, as well as I fell there is injustice at home for the girls and in general.