Can't stand to be around SS.

[ElizaDoolittle123]

My step son is 5 years old. I've tried to make the effort with him over the years but to no avail.
He basically rules the roost at home, he is the favourite. He has no rules, boundaries discipline and he gets priority over his older sisters.

All this has changed since he came to ours on weekends. I have my own children similar ages, and treat them all equally and that includes rules and boundaries.

As you can imagine I'm far from his favourite person, but I do try to chat to him, play with him, engage with him, we take him places. I love his sisters and there are no issues there.He never so much as acknowledges me.
This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
When he see the cake he excitedly went to OH "ohhhh is that mine". When OH said yes and told him I made it, he made a face went urggghhh and turned his nose up.
He refused to thank me for the cake or eat any of it, he wouldn't join in the party, or accept any food that I served him he moaned at his dad to get it for him.
He spent the first half of party alone indoors. He came outside eventually didn't interact with anyone or join in the games, when he heard my newborn crying, and my OH picked her up, he cried until OH passed our newborn to one of the other children to hold him like a baby on his knee for the duration of the party.

He turns his back on me when I talk to him,looks me up and down gives me black looks, he acts like a baby and talks in baby language most the time. He cries and moans constantly mostly for his own way. But sometimes for no reason.
He wakes the whole house up between 5am and 6am because he can't watch a DVD/play quietly with his siblings. (Despite me pleading with him not to wake me up as I'm doing night feeds with a newborn.) The other morning he was throwing stuff at my bedroom door at 5am, I was up at 4am feeding my daughter.
I have got to a point where I can not stand the thought of him in my house eating my food, having to do it all again over xmas. I'm returning from maternity in December leaning my baby, to work to buy them all xmas presents when I don't get any gratitude. And I resent that thought. Everything about him annoys me. I feel like he has no endearing qualities to focus on.
I feel like an awful, nasty, evil person for proclaiming I actually hate a child. There I've said it I hate a 5 year old! I have tried for so long to tell myself this i parenting it's not always easy but I can't do it anymore.
I can't just leave the relationship. I have a newborn baby and my own children who have bonded with OH. Will this get better? I feel like this is consuming me I dread the weekends he visits. I think he may have some form of autism but with OH burrying his head in sand I can't see situation getting any better.

How long have you been together op?

How can you have a girl the same sort of age and a 5 yr old boy? Are they twins?
You and your OH have moved so fast in blending a family and then another sibling. His dad needs to spend time with him, he is telling you this every other weekend when he won't leave his dad alone.

When my DSC were little DH would spend one day of the weekend just the three of them, he would also spend 1 to 1 time during the course of a month. It really helped to keep their bond and helped the DSC maintain their close bond. They are now late teens and very close to their dad.
The child must come first.

Is it more a sibling rivalry thing then? And you're being available to entertain him so his sisters get to enjoy their Dad means he sees you as an obstruction?

Do you have 6 dc between you? If so unless you have a massive house I'm guessing the kids don't really get much of their own space?

We've been together since my son and his were babies he has 3 from previous relationship. I have 2. Very complicated. His sisters really like me I think because I give them loads of attention when dad is occupied with DS. In fact the girls will often chose to be with me over their dad given choice even if I'm just going shopping.

The boys share and the girls share basically. Baby in with us.

So basically you oh raised your DS but lived away from his own. That must be very hard no wonder he's jealsous.. what are you going to do when the baby gets older and needs a room?

I hated my SS too op - and hated myself for having that feeling. It got so bad that if he walked in the room I'd think 'just fuck off' and then I'd hate myself for that too.

It's ok though not to love him and not to feel the same as you do about the other children. In fact even if he was your biological child you still might feel this way.

What worked for me was understanding how my SS was different to me. I am very spontaneous whereas he needed structure. I liked to have lunch whenever I got hungry whereas he wanted lunch at 12 midday. So I taught him to make his own lunch and to be able to have it when he wanted. He was much better if I told him the day before what we were doing the next day and at what time.

The word 'time' was a great motivator for him - and worked like a dream. If I said 'it's time for bed' he'd be off in a flash but if someone said to me 'it's time for xxxx' I'd be really annoyed.

I found reading the book children are from heaven really enlightening and helpful for finding out about different personality types - helping my understanding of all the children. It was a lifesaver.

"He's always been like this.I don't think the birth of my daughter has made much of a difference. We've been together all he can remember so it's not like I'm the woman that took daddy away." no but his dad gets to spend time full-time with you and with your children and now with the baby whereas the only life he's known is as a part timer in that setup. It's possible that he's now realising that he has a sibling who gets to live with his parent all of the time whereas he and his sisters do not.

TBH it baffles me that people enter into these rushed blended family situations where there are already problems because there are so many kids and then for some reason best known to man they insist on having a baby, and then wonder why they don't have one big happy family?

He's five. Five is a tricky age anyway, but his dad needs to set him some boundaries.. However you both also need to take responsibility for the fact that he's been thrust into being just one in among six kids and is expected to fit in whether that's what he wants or not, and a stepmother who hates him. And he will know you hate him, kids aren't stupid.

This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
I picked this up specifically. Why did you arrange his birthday party? To me, that's something you would expect parents to organise, as a special treat. I have to say that if my SM had organised a party for my birthday instead of my dad, I would have felt gutted because ultimately, it's the thought and organisation that goes into it that makes it special more than the actual party. To then be expected to be thankful when you actually feel disappointed is a double blow.

Could you maybe step away from doing things for him and let his father get on with it. It's all good saying that he spends time with him, but then why didn't arrange this party when you already have enough on your plate, especially with a newborn child?

Why bring a newborn into the mix? Surely with 5 kids, one of whom is massively struggling, limited space etc you had enough to deal with. And now a confused little boy (and his mother!) are being blamed because he isn't coping with what sounds like a pretty chaotic household and jealousy that his Dad lives full time with someone else's kids. And one of the adults who has contributed to this situation hates a 5 year old for his understandable reaction to it. Poor kid.

We have 4 bedrooms so baby has her own room. I know it's a mess. In hindsight it was selfish to want a child together when we already have 5 between us. It's just a case now if where to go from here? Trust me I hate myself for feeling this way.

I just try and make DH happy because he senses the hostility and was my way of trying to do something nice. A year ago we put a lot down to his age thinking he would grow out of it.

If you can't get over this feeling op and learn to accept him the only option is to leave his behaviour is understandable giving the circumstances . I hated my DS behaviour at 5 TBH he was an little sod I would be embrassed because he wouldn't behave himself and play up infront of people. I still loved him though I just hated his behaviour as time gone on he improved massively is a better behaved 8year old.

Bit pointless berating the op for having a baby - time machines don't exist!

Not pointless if it makes OP realise it wasn't the best move and it stops her blaming a 5 year old for his reaction to it.

Well If time machines did exit I wouldn't change anything.I love my daughter and I wouldn't change her for the world. I feel lucky that the man I will be with forever we have a beautiful baby girl together, and we are blessed for all the children we have. Neither of us have had it easy in the past and now we have this chance of happiness and I feel like I'm screwing it all up feeling this way.

I just try and make DH happy because he senses the hostility and was my way of trying to do something nice
Then stop doing it if it ends up with you resenting the child for his lack of gratefulness when the child is probably gutted that it wasn't his dad wanting to do something nice for him.

Your OH should have said no. It was his responsibility, not yours. He has 4 children, he needs to accept that all needs his attention, with this boy needing it more than the others. It's tough, but that was his choice to have 4 children, he now needs to step up and be a dad rather than relying on you to do things for him.

I think that we made the decision because we are both from big blended families that have worked. DH really fought to stay with his children and he has major guilt he's not there FT.

Yes I have done a lot more than I should in past.

Massive sympathy for you! I have been where you are.

Your SS is being bloody rude and disrespectful, your DH needs to stop pandering to him and back you up. SS's behaviour isn't acceptable and DH should not let him talk to you like that. I get that you feel bad telling him off but you wouldn't let your own children behave like that so why would you accept it from him?

It's ok for you to not love him (or like him!). Your tolerance levels are not the same as they are with your own children, they never will be. It's bloody hard being a step parent and it sounds like you have tried really hard but without the support from your DH you won't get anywhere. He needs to see you and his dad as a united front.

It will get better, my SS is 13 now and moved in with us in January. We have a good relationship now. Good luck x

That's a lot of kids all together. It sounds like he misses his dad and wants some quality time with him, at 5 years of age I don't find that unreasonable. Wait till they're all teenagers

It hasn't helped in past he's undermined me in front of him so I'm the wicked step mum, but he is getting better with that. I think some of resentment is directed at him too really.

Cupcake the child is 5 years old and it's clear he just wants reassurance from his DF. Regardless if you had a time machine you made a decision to have another child. Most people would think long and hard before adding a DC to their family especially if there's additional DC from both sides because it can cause considerable impact for both sides not to meantion financial support for the existing DC which I hope your oh provides maintenance. Most people who like to extend their family further but choose not due to space, financial implications of another child and logistics. Unfortunately this child is having to compete with another 5 DC 3 of which live with his DF. He's five and at that age they don't tend to know how to express their thoughts and feelings. If things don't improve op and the resentment continues what do you do?

I think when you let go of the idea of not loving them like your own and just accepting that you don't have to have this perfect family might help both of us. I feel like there's a lot of pressure for me to love him like he does mine and it filters into our lives on times there's not here, but I get nothing from him at all so maybe just give it up and stay in distance?