Can't stand to be around SS.

[ElizaDoolittle123]

My step son is 5 years old. I've tried to make the effort with him over the years but to no avail.
He basically rules the roost at home, he is the favourite. He has no rules, boundaries discipline and he gets priority over his older sisters.

All this has changed since he came to ours on weekends. I have my own children similar ages, and treat them all equally and that includes rules and boundaries.

As you can imagine I'm far from his favourite person, but I do try to chat to him, play with him, engage with him, we take him places. I love his sisters and there are no issues there.He never so much as acknowledges me.
This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
When he see the cake he excitedly went to OH "ohhhh is that mine". When OH said yes and told him I made it, he made a face went urggghhh and turned his nose up.
He refused to thank me for the cake or eat any of it, he wouldn't join in the party, or accept any food that I served him he moaned at his dad to get it for him.
He spent the first half of party alone indoors. He came outside eventually didn't interact with anyone or join in the games, when he heard my newborn crying, and my OH picked her up, he cried until OH passed our newborn to one of the other children to hold him like a baby on his knee for the duration of the party.

He turns his back on me when I talk to him,looks me up and down gives me black looks, he acts like a baby and talks in baby language most the time. He cries and moans constantly mostly for his own way. But sometimes for no reason.
He wakes the whole house up between 5am and 6am because he can't watch a DVD/play quietly with his siblings. (Despite me pleading with him not to wake me up as I'm doing night feeds with a newborn.) The other morning he was throwing stuff at my bedroom door at 5am, I was up at 4am feeding my daughter.
I have got to a point where I can not stand the thought of him in my house eating my food, having to do it all again over xmas. I'm returning from maternity in December leaning my baby, to work to buy them all xmas presents when I don't get any gratitude. And I resent that thought. Everything about him annoys me. I feel like he has no endearing qualities to focus on.
I feel like an awful, nasty, evil person for proclaiming I actually hate a child. There I've said it I hate a 5 year old! I have tried for so long to tell myself this i parenting it's not always easy but I can't do it anymore.
I can't just leave the relationship. I have a newborn baby and my own children who have bonded with OH. Will this get better? I feel like this is consuming me I dread the weekends he visits. I think he may have some form of autism but with OH burrying his head in sand I can't see situation getting any better.

stop saying she hates the child -to start with.

If you change your own mindset and accept your own level of responsibility in the cause and work with your DP to help this child.

Your DP and you need to work out a strategy together, where you are seen as a team. The cake incident - if it had been made out as a joint effort and OP had helped Daddy a little ( believe me - it would stick in my gut too but...) then he starts to realise that you are a team and work together.

Daddy did not make the cake, do the party - you did OP. He wants his Dad to do these things for him first .

If he screams and shouts - then he gets told that it does not work and Dad goes to his sisters, not your children,for 5 minutes, till he calms down. He needs to learn that Daddy does love him but he is not the be all and end all, their are limits, bad behaviour is not accepted but he will still be there. Currently, he can behave badly and no consequence, but he wants reassurance that Dad will still be there. If he goes to your DCs - then he has chosen you over him - just what he does not want to see and understandable.

Your DP needs to sit with his EX and talk about their unhappy child and how they address it together. Does he speak with the school and find out how he is there - what methods they use to control his behaviour. If he behaves at school, then you know he is capable and accepts the boundaries.

uneffingbelievable Is right his child has never experienced having his dad living with him but your 5year old had him from the start I also find it odd you two got together when both your DC were babies. If husband ex's was so rotten ( which I highly suspect isn't he full story) why have two DDs and then have a baby together?

Did this guy have two pregnant women on the go at once?

Or very shortly afterwards?

He sounds quite a catch.

Either the OP was having an affair while her boyfriend was still married, or she started one while the boyfriend's ex was pregnant but estranged.

I don't quite understand it all.

westray - you are even more cynical than me!
Be prepared to be lambasted for your comments.

If that sadly was the case OP - then your DSS has been even more screwed over than even I could have contemplated.

It is all a sorry mess tbh.

I'm interested in the timing of events.

Two kids to two women simultaneously.

So either lover boy hid the fact that his wife was pregnant while impregnating the OP. In which case he is a rat.
Or he was open about the fact that his ( ex) wife was pregnant or had just had a baby in which case he is an idiot- and indeed is the OP for allowing herself to be impregnated by a man who already had a pregnant woman or a woman with a small child.

Either way it's a total fuck up.

Literally.

I think ops DS who's 5 is from a previous relationship they must have got together when they were babies and went on have one together.

The situation is what it is. Lots of judgement about what the father should do but she can't make him do anything unless he chooses to. So how about some practical advice for the op?

Why assumption he was a newborn? He was 1 when we met. She most definitely doesn't fit the description of most women.
I'm shocked that there is such a stigma attached that presumes that the farther must have abandoned his children. The truth is far from that. But won't go into details.

The youngest girl is only just 8 she didn't have much time with dad and she's one pushed out the most she's the one that's had worst of it by far because she's quiet and she doesn't cause a fuss, you could also say that the SS doesn't know any different, are step families or single parent families not as able to give as much love and affection as "conventional" families? If the girls aren't given that at home are they more privileged because at some stage in their life they had a mum and dad together? I know plenty of people that were raised just by a mother or step parents that never felt left out by both having a mother and father married in the same household. Similarly I know people that did have that and felt no stability and love.

This is a boy who at home his mother showers him with gifts, gets all the attention prioritises him, while the girls are sent to their rooms because they tell us, 99% of the time my DD or OH Skypes them they are in their bedrooms because they've been sent there. If they can feel equal at our house to their brother I think they should giving him more attention at ours too will only damage the girls further.
She's never been one one of the girls parents evenings, school plays, sports days nothing we do all that.

My son who is 5 is from my previous relationship also similar circumstances the man can go and and leave me for another woman as much as the woman could him.
We both had bad adulterous marriages, we met through helping out in the school our children attended and found we had a lot in common.
I know that she left him is a small school and gossips travels fast she also had said man do pick up and drops offs at school. She had him move in as soon as she got rid of DH. He had to move to the box room at mum and dads and start all over again.he has been to court for acsses courts favour the mother every other weekend is as good as it gets in affraid.

We have a newborn daughter together now. In which I have been told on this forum I shouldn't have. In reflection this forum has a lot of pretentious, judgemental people.
I have also had some wonderful inboxes and comments from people who have been in my shoes and I am greatful for that too. I have been directed to a forum I can use I think will be more helpful in like minded step parents.
I really do believe until your a step parent you can't imagine what it would be like. I would have been horrified by my own words before being in this situation.
Thank you for everyone who has contributed even the negative posters I have a lot of food for thought sometimes you need to hear negative I don't ever ask for advice to hear what I want to hear I appreciate honesty . But think I'm going to wrap this up now as it's got into lot of presumptions. Nastiness and I don't want to give too much info that makes it obvious who I am.
Thank you again everyone of you. I'm signging off from this now enjoying the sunshine and my beautiful baby.

So you didn't even meet until he was 1. How long did you wait before blending families? Seems like quite a short timeframe for this all to have happened, along with a new baby, the kid is only 5!

And just because the mother may have behaved badly it doesn't excuse bad decisions you and your partner may have made. You are responsible for the chaos you have dragged 6 kids into. 'She was worse' is childish. If she is that bad all the more reason for you and your partner to provide more stability.

"he has been to court for acsses courts favour the mother every other weekend is as good as it gets in affraid." that's simply not true. If the courts have only allowed every other weekend then that will be for a reason. the norm for most arrangements is every other weekend plus at least one night during the week, although obviously if he's moved hours away that wouldn't be possible.

I also agree with a PP, your description of the mother is disgraceful, regardless of what you think of her, your contempt for her is evident and you've admitted publicly that you hate a five year old child.

OW or not let's not pretend that the OP is some poor put-upon saint who virtuously decided to take on three more children and then, presumably to cement her place in the family, decided to have another baby into the middle of this mess. The situation is of OP's making.

it appears that none of the adults in this child's life have covered themselves in glory here. It's like an episode of the Jeremy Kyle show with innocent children into the mix. Disaster.

What a mess.

OP- I'm an ex-wife and it's clear as day that the problem is your husband.

You've tried far too hard. I think that you need to take a step back. Your h needs to organise parties and bake cakes etc for him. It must be disheartening that your attempts are friendliness are met with contempt. Think about it from his point of view- you're annoying him but in his face with cakes etc. You both need a break from the "forced niceness" before it's irreparable.

Your ss is clearly super insecure and needs your husband to reassure him that he is loved as much as his sisters and you. He is choosing to take advantage of his daughters (and you) and not face up to what your ss needs long term. I'm a mum of 3 and not all kids feel sibling rivalry equally. The super competitive one(s) need reassuring and given boundaries when their insecurities are affecting the other kids. I'm naturally chilled but my kids like the boundaries that I set. (Their dad has more ££ and is a Disney Dad but my teens say they like having fair rules etc) He needs to tell his son off when he's being unreasonable. This will result in tears and tantrums but for the sake of dss' future friendships and relationships needs to be taught. His dd also need to know that they are loved as much as their brother or you risk this cycle repeating in their future relationships.