Can't stand to be around SS.

[ElizaDoolittle123]

My step son is 5 years old. I've tried to make the effort with him over the years but to no avail.
He basically rules the roost at home, he is the favourite. He has no rules, boundaries discipline and he gets priority over his older sisters.

All this has changed since he came to ours on weekends. I have my own children similar ages, and treat them all equally and that includes rules and boundaries.

As you can imagine I'm far from his favourite person, but I do try to chat to him, play with him, engage with him, we take him places. I love his sisters and there are no issues there.He never so much as acknowledges me.
This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
When he see the cake he excitedly went to OH "ohhhh is that mine". When OH said yes and told him I made it, he made a face went urggghhh and turned his nose up.
He refused to thank me for the cake or eat any of it, he wouldn't join in the party, or accept any food that I served him he moaned at his dad to get it for him.
He spent the first half of party alone indoors. He came outside eventually didn't interact with anyone or join in the games, when he heard my newborn crying, and my OH picked her up, he cried until OH passed our newborn to one of the other children to hold him like a baby on his knee for the duration of the party.

He turns his back on me when I talk to him,looks me up and down gives me black looks, he acts like a baby and talks in baby language most the time. He cries and moans constantly mostly for his own way. But sometimes for no reason.
He wakes the whole house up between 5am and 6am because he can't watch a DVD/play quietly with his siblings. (Despite me pleading with him not to wake me up as I'm doing night feeds with a newborn.) The other morning he was throwing stuff at my bedroom door at 5am, I was up at 4am feeding my daughter.
I have got to a point where I can not stand the thought of him in my house eating my food, having to do it all again over xmas. I'm returning from maternity in December leaning my baby, to work to buy them all xmas presents when I don't get any gratitude. And I resent that thought. Everything about him annoys me. I feel like he has no endearing qualities to focus on.
I feel like an awful, nasty, evil person for proclaiming I actually hate a child. There I've said it I hate a 5 year old! I have tried for so long to tell myself this i parenting it's not always easy but I can't do it anymore.
I can't just leave the relationship. I have a newborn baby and my own children who have bonded with OH. Will this get better? I feel like this is consuming me I dread the weekends he visits. I think he may have some form of autism but with OH burrying his head in sand I can't see situation getting any better.

She was quite happy to dump them on me whilst she spent benefit money in a 5 star all inclusive for a week leaving me pregnant doing 2 school runs in morning

Was this agreed in advance or did she just turn up one day with the kids and say cheerio? If it's the former then you knew what would be happening and your dp should have planned childcare better. If it's the latter then she was inconsiderate and unreasonable.

He is a 5 year old child who is clearly behaving badly because he is very unhappy. Can you honestly not see a 5 year old will struggle to articulate their emotions? You either put up with this and be calm and patient and persevere and perhaps get some professional help with him or you surely have to realise that perhaps this relationship with his father is not going to work out.

The issue here appears to be that you have too many expectations. "I get nothing back" he is a five year old. Five year olds can be annoying, self-centred creatures, add into the mix a disney parent who refuses to give any boundaries and is happy to undermine the person who hates said child the most and of course you're not going to get anything back. You just have to carry on being a human being, do whatever it is you do and in time things will come right, but you have to remove your expectations of what he should and shouldn't be doing and how he should and shouldn't be reacting. And his father needs to parent his child.

He is a spoiled brat and need some boundaries. He cannot behave like this in school and should not be allowed to at home

I just think saying thank you isn't I highl expectation. I think I should rephrase in that I hate the situation at times and not the child obviously.

And you're right you have to put more in with kids than you get back but I really have put loads in and I'm always kind and loving, he's emotional nerds are always met. Just be nice for a little reaction even a smile.

What behaviour? Early waking - normal. Expecting attention on waking - normal. Not really giving two hoots at the fact there is a breastfeeding baby in the house and no adults are sleeping - normal. Wanting dad to himself when not seeing him every day - normal. Doesn't want you making his birthday cake - normal? Why wouldn't he want his dad to put in the effort. He's far too young to appreciate any efforts you may have made.

Why are you stressing now, in June, about Xmas? A 5 year old is not going to show gratitude for presents when he thinks Santa brought them.

Well, no his emotional needs aren't being met. He wants his dad more. He wants to see his dad making an effort. You can't stand him and he will know that. You can't stand his mum and that will also be obvious.

FGS we are talking about a 5yo here not a grown up kid. So he is not perfect, not all kids be grateful that 5 out of 6 are.

My DS was a difficult child many tantrums and hard work and yes at times he pushed my buttons and it was hard to like him but I would never have considered him a spoilt brat. I accepted that he would need more attention to get him to learn behaviours that came more naturally to his sister.

That little boy was born with his own personality that doesn't have to meet your needs. Respect him for who he is focus on the positives and let his father parent him. You seen to have nothing nice to say about him and you're surprised that he doesn't react to your seemingly acts of kindness? He is probably a insightful bright kid whose picked up on your deep seeded feelings about him. Step away and try to see him for who he is a little boy who still has a lot to learn.

I feel very sorry for this five year old boy. Reading between the lines, it doesn't sound like he has an easy life. You also sound burnt out by the stresses of it all. It can't be easy being a step-mum either, on top of looking after all your own children. Sounds like you've done well to vent and own up to your true feelings, perhaps the next step is to find an outlet for your frustrations or get away from the situation a bit if possible so that you can rest (as much as you can with a newborn), cool down, analyse what might be the best way of moving forward and get some of the tension out of the way before you re-engage. I agree with some of the other posters, it sounds like your step-son is quite a frightened little boy deep down. His dad sounds engaged but perhaps he has been leaving some of the disciplining too much to you. You have an important role of course but his dad is the primary parent and needs to make him feel secure by loving him and listening but by being there to set boundaries where he needs them. Hope you can both find the right balance to help this little boy through.

This board makes me so sad at times. Aren't we all step parents who should at least try and support one another? There really are some perfect parents on here aren't there? OP was very brave writing this post and was looking for an outlet here. For the most part people have slated her. She doesn't sound like a horrible woman to me, just a woman who is struggling and does not deserve some of the comments on here.

This board is so pro mum. How is it any more relevant to ask if DP pays maintenance than heaven forbid talk about the ex in anything but a positive way?

I'm sorry OP. I feel for you and I understand this situation is hard for ALL involved. I dont think you've rushed into blending your family. Sounds like you've been together for years and heaven forbid you and DP would want a child of your own. You said yourself you are both from large blended families which worked, so don't feel bad for extending your family further thinking it could work and all will be happy. People wouldn't be so blameful if it were a nuclear family with a large number of children.

Honestly, you'd think it were a crime to fall in love with a man with kids and attempt some normalcy. Why can't step mum's support fellow step mum's on a step parenting board?!

Thankyou two dots I've been in bit of a mess tonight in all honestly. I do try my hardest and I'm not an awful person I try and try for all my family I really do. I've put myself in his shoes so many times I do try and empathise. My words were harsh, I'm just so frustrated and I feel at such a loss. The comments on here about taking step back and biding time are right. It's not always easy to see into the future. We always see the past worst than it is and the future less resolved than it will be. I know that we will grow as a family and in time I'm sure things will get better.

TwoDots X 2.
Some of the vitriol spewed on here is truly shocking. OP - first step forward is acknowledging how you truly feel, if only to yourself. You've done that 😊. For what it's worth I think your second step forward should be to take a step back. Really observe how your family unit is functioning, esp how you and Dp approach your own dcs. It seems to me that in blended family's there nearly needs to be 3 families; the full unit, the mum & her dcs & the dad & his dcs - you all need time together as a family but you also need separate time with your dcs & your Dp needs separate time with his dcs. Yes you can parent together but he needs to do the majority parenting with his & vice versa.
Can you get any time to yourself? When your dcs are at their dads for eg?

I'm not in a blended family situation, but wanted to second the love bomb solution of a very early PP- when my DS (7) is behaving at his very worst (normal kid stuff like your DSS), I get scared and angry and picture the hideous adolescent years ahead, but when I decide to just stay in the present and love bomb him, I always see a dramatic improvement in his behaviour- I then feel happier and more loving- it's a virtuous circle. Don't worry about Christmas now- you can see a huge improvement between now and then.

Jeeze what's with all the reproductive haste..
All these kids amongst break ups, new families, new homes, new babies.

Sounds a mess.

I bet you have felt a mess. It was so brace of you to admit what you have. I bet you're kicking yourself for even feeling what you do. You don't need all the negative comments on top, just support from fellow step parents who SHOULD understand how hard it is.

I know I feel overwhelmed by it all at times but wouldn't dare write on here through fear of backlash.

Have a glass of wine, try and sleep. There has been some good advice on here amongst the SM bashing so try to extract that xx

It does sound like a lot.

Six children is a lot.

It sounds like he's been through a lot in his short life.

Two dots I've had a glass of red (can't have more due to BF) it's not an easy thing to admit I love kids and family is important. I hate myself for feeling like this obviously there's a bigger picture. Me and my OH have the perfect relationship other than these battles I really love him so in turn it's a part of him I know that. I don't feel like we rushed into anything. We've both been in real bad relationships, but I think we have a chance of a happily ever after, and I do want that more than anything. That's why I reached out on here. It's made me think about a lot of things and the bigger picture. I want it to work I want us all to get on. I don't want to be the evil step mum.
It's easier with your own children my 5 year old can be rude have bad attitude, is defiant. But he shows me love and then it's so much easier to give. I think I've putvso much into this and forcing him to like me that I feel so strongly, and then it's taken over completely.

Your battle at the moment is having to face the reality that you aren't as lucky as you thought having created the harmonious family you longed for. Families, like couples, are often hard work, with some part of it not working as well as the rest of it. It is very frustrating, but the not working parts come with it and often don't work because they are broken.

You need to go through a grieving process by which you accept that youv'e taken this family warts and all.

t's easier with your own children my 5 year old can be rude have bad attitude, is defiant. But he shows me love and then it's so much easier to give. I think I've putvso much into this and forcing him to like me that I feel so strongly, and then it's taken over completely.

I think you've summed it up perfectly here. The less affection is given you, the more you felt oblige to give, but you did so with a specific aim rather than because you wanted to give. He felt it and gave nothing back which made you feel that you've been wasting your affection on him.

There are only two ways to go. You either give to him because he is part of your family and you care for him unconditionally, whether you get something in return, or you distance yourself and let your OH make the effort.

He is very angry and confused as this is coming out in deliberately oppositional behaviour. He's doing things specificallly targetting you so waking you up when you've said not to. What he wants is his dad to react and why he is confused is that dad is horizontal, birth mum says you are horrible but then seems happy to leave him with someone horrible so what is that all about. He has conflicted loyalties, he sees that his sisters have a good time and like you - more confusion, he has fun at your house, although he won't admit it, he actually, secretly, won't admit it, LIKES you because you have boundries and all the other kids do and you have been really nice. You made a lovely birthday cake - perhaps it was better than the one from his mum, - he knows you've gone out of your way for him - this confuses him because he knows he's been horrible to him. The loyalty to his mum kicks in as well as attachment to his dad - who secretly he knows has done nothing towards the party - which again makes him angry. He is so confused, one big ball of grrrrrrrrrr that he hurts the person who has done the most by rejection and oppositional behaviour.

What he needs is to see firm boundries set by your husband. I think you do the same for him as for the others and you remain utterly consistent. He's painted himself into a corner and he needs someone to get him out and that is his dad. Social stories might help. He wants to be really proud of his dad and he wants his dad to be really proud of him. Dad needs to inspire confidence in him so he has the same bounderies as you, he openly enforces this, he encourages his son to act his age, and he praises him for anything good. Bad behaviour gets immediate consequences, dealt with firmly. It needs to be done now, otherwise this behaviour will set in.

One thing that strikes me is that the steps don't get much contact time with dad. Is there anyway he could pick up son from school, or go in and read with kids at his school or make contact during the week even if it is not to stay overnight. Birth mum has the majority of really boring day to day crap so you can see her POV if she sees you guys as the disney family. Forgive me if there is already more contact than you stated.

At the heart of this is an oppositional child, deeply wearing on everybody, who is confused and very angry. He cannot articulate this so is being revolting. I don't think being supernice is going to work. Consistency is and his dad backing up you but also laying down his expectations of behaviour and creating the climate that son wants to please him. At the moment son has everyone running around trying to please him - a five year old child. Again, confusing and not good. Firm and fair is the way to go and possibly getting some outside help on this too.

I don't think his behaviour is "deliberate" though.

He is only 5 years old.

He doesn't understand what the hell is going on, and his reaction is from his gut, not some worked out plan.

I do agree with the other points you have made though. it;s the adults around him who are creating this situation, especially his weak willed father.

Children react to situations. The way he is acting sounds like he is very unhappy and confused. He needs support and reassurance. May be both sets of parents need help around attachment and parenting support to help him.
It sounds like he has learnt that if he acts up it's the way he gets attention. If he acts up a lot he never gets attention for no reason.
Think about if he's given attention when acting up and once he's calm what you all do. Continue playing with him or go and get on with what you were doing. It'll take a long time to break down his now instinct to gain attention from unwanted behaviour.
Not showing you affection causes his dad to interact with him all be it negatively. Bad attention is better than no attention.
I'm not at all saying you are all ignoring him etc. It's a learnt behaviour that's escalated. It is also may be happening with his mother.
It's a very common behaviour problem. And this is just an idea of what it could be.

You're right he doesn't get much contact. DH works 12 hours a day and we live in different towns it is over and hours drive. He does Skype them as much as he can. I tell myself all the time it's not deliberate, it's not his fault he's like this, and I know that. It's just got to a point where it is hard not to take it so personally.
A lot of issues with birth mother. DH spent a long time in a abusive relationship where she had complete control of him. He's not that person now.
She once told me I don't want my kids to like you. I think because she felt I was competition. OH now has no contact with her because of her persistent aggressive behaviour, contact is done through a relative. So it makes it harder for him to know how the children are doing on a day to day basis.

He also hasn't ever learnt acting up doesn't get him attention because DH always does respond to it.

It would ease a lot of burden if he did the disciplining, and I have let a lot of things go as not to be the one that nags all the time with my own children included. But that doesn't help because when he's doing things he's not allowed I shut my mouth, but my frustration builds up, and some things I can't let slide he runs around when we are out, runs in the road. I'm suprised he's never been ran over. He's allowed to "play out" at home well that will never, ever happen.
After speaking to DH for first time he said to me I get how you feel and that you must feel deflated. I think this is good step because before now the emphasis has been on me trying to force a relationship. Then I feel the pressure and failure to be this perfect step mum and have all the children like me and it's just not possible.
The best approach is just to be there and then let him come to me on his terms. I think that deep down he must like me somewhere underneath it all. It must be confusing that his mum is way she is on weekend he said to his sister I was a fat cow. (Can't be his words). I've had a few breakthrough moments but they don't happen anymore, he's mostly consistently rude to me.

Your dh is the problem. He sounds really ineffectual tbh and he's causing this. How can he allow the 5yo to take all the attention leaving none for his older girls?

Look forget the mother she's not the problem you need to stop focusing on her but focusing on what you both can be doing as a family unit. Birth mother is a really rude term to use. Shes his mother, it inapplies she's not actually in his life and is term used in adoption I really hate it been used on these boards as it's used in a disrespectful way to lesser the mothers role DS mother is a perfectly ok term to use. Regardless what goes on at his mothers house your DH needs to be the one applying the rules in your home instead of you the fact he has undermined you before has demonstrated to his son that he doesn't need to listen to you.

My ex just doesn't discipline DS and is a Disney dad but rather than focusing on what he doesn't do I focus on what we do as a family unit in regards to behaviour.

I would suggest your dh do the discipline set certain boundaries but at the same time encourage positive behaviour with a reward system in place for positive reinforcement. Get your dh to read a book before bed. Plan a day out doing something he enjoys. Take a step back and let your dh do things.