Can't stand to be around SS.

[ElizaDoolittle123]

My step son is 5 years old. I've tried to make the effort with him over the years but to no avail.
He basically rules the roost at home, he is the favourite. He has no rules, boundaries discipline and he gets priority over his older sisters.

All this has changed since he came to ours on weekends. I have my own children similar ages, and treat them all equally and that includes rules and boundaries.

As you can imagine I'm far from his favourite person, but I do try to chat to him, play with him, engage with him, we take him places. I love his sisters and there are no issues there.He never so much as acknowledges me.
This weekend I did him a party, invited few of his friends made him a cake. He refused to say thanks for his present.
When he see the cake he excitedly went to OH "ohhhh is that mine". When OH said yes and told him I made it, he made a face went urggghhh and turned his nose up.
He refused to thank me for the cake or eat any of it, he wouldn't join in the party, or accept any food that I served him he moaned at his dad to get it for him.
He spent the first half of party alone indoors. He came outside eventually didn't interact with anyone or join in the games, when he heard my newborn crying, and my OH picked her up, he cried until OH passed our newborn to one of the other children to hold him like a baby on his knee for the duration of the party.

He turns his back on me when I talk to him,looks me up and down gives me black looks, he acts like a baby and talks in baby language most the time. He cries and moans constantly mostly for his own way. But sometimes for no reason.
He wakes the whole house up between 5am and 6am because he can't watch a DVD/play quietly with his siblings. (Despite me pleading with him not to wake me up as I'm doing night feeds with a newborn.) The other morning he was throwing stuff at my bedroom door at 5am, I was up at 4am feeding my daughter.
I have got to a point where I can not stand the thought of him in my house eating my food, having to do it all again over xmas. I'm returning from maternity in December leaning my baby, to work to buy them all xmas presents when I don't get any gratitude. And I resent that thought. Everything about him annoys me. I feel like he has no endearing qualities to focus on.
I feel like an awful, nasty, evil person for proclaiming I actually hate a child. There I've said it I hate a 5 year old! I have tried for so long to tell myself this i parenting it's not always easy but I can't do it anymore.
I can't just leave the relationship. I have a newborn baby and my own children who have bonded with OH. Will this get better? I feel like this is consuming me I dread the weekends he visits. I think he may have some form of autism but with OH burrying his head in sand I can't see situation getting any better.

I think this is maybe why I hold some of resentment because I feel for girls. I darent tell him off in fear he will dislike me more, OH feels bad he weren't around as a FT parent and that he doesn't have a relationship with me so in turn he never tells him off. He gets away with everything. He has all of his attention all the time. At home he gets favourited massively too. It's heartbreaking when the girls tell us about what they got for xmas and what their brother got. How he gets his way with everything all time over them. The girls are like sponges for affection they've really embraced boundaries.

Of course he could be struggling with the birth of a new baby. My DS is struggling with the birth of his sister and Daddy and I are together. You just said yourself 'it's complicated' so how do you think it feels for him!?

Please take a big, big step back and put yourself in his shoes. I know It is hard for
You too, but he's 5 and presumably youre an adult.

Your husband's ex was abusive to him and yet he only has his DC EOW and only Skypes them in between? Isn't he worried about them?

Do you think he should be going for 50/50? Or at least the standard of also seeing them for a few days for tea after school during the week.

I feel really sorry for this little boy - and his sisters too.

In the short term your husband needs to totally rearrange the weekends so that he spends the majority of EOW with his children without the other children. Think about it - his kids get him 2 days out of 14. The others get him 14/14. Can yours go for contact with their own father during the weekends your DSK are at your house, and then you go out a lot with the baby? Or otherwise him take his 3 out and you have the others at home.
Since there are 4 bedrooms, I suggest you ask his 3 if they'd like to share a room that is permanantly theirs. (Shift rooms around and give them the biggest.) Decorate it for them and don't let your kids in it, so that his kids see they have a permanent place in the home/his life.

And in the medium term he needs to be making whatever practical changes he can to enable him to see his DC more than EOW. That's a shockingly small amount of time, especially for a child as young as 5 to cope with.

The thing that stands out is that your DP is an ineffectual waste of space as a parent who has abandoned his first three children to be parented by a abusive, aggressive woman.

He's now passed his share of the parenting on to you and is making you the bad guy. You are vulnerable right now (wether you feel it or not) as you have a young baby. Plus he's making you feel responsible for six children.

You cannot fix this mess, all you can really do is what's best for your own children, and trust me this man isn't it. You probably can't see that right now. Take your time and keep reading, you are not to blame for this situation, but you are going to have to do something about it.

The children would hate to be separated they are all really close. I think that my DS is a really positive influence on SS who has really poor social skills.

Agree that your partner is the problem here. He is their parent yet you seem to be doing all the parenting for him. SS is playing up to you because you are the safe person and are there for him. He probably feels that if he upsets his dad he gets even less time with him than he already does. It's like the resentment both of you feel should be directed at dp but is instead playing out between you and ss.

Also, some kids are just more difficult than others.

My three year old is conflict central. Black is white, he screams and argues about everything (no suspected SEN).

He is a very sensitive child, though you wouldn't know it most of the time. He needs a lot of love and goes through phases of night wakings whenever he feels insecure.

My DH and I often despair at what to do... and the answer is always the same, keep enforcing the rules (gently), he doesn't get anything for bad behaviour, and good behaviour or rewarded. Lots of cuddles (when he accepts them).

The cycles or arguing and insecurity continue and he tests boundaries all the time, he is simply just harder work than the others.

Your SS may just be a more difficult child than the others. Plus he had to deal with you, after his mother probably hasn't been very complimentary about you.

Five year olds will find that a struggle. You need to agree rules with your DH, which you both need to enforce at all times with all children.

SS needs boundaries and consistency so you need to pull him up when he breaks the rules, regardless of how he will feel about you.

Be kind, but not overly touchy felt if he doesn't want it. You might never be that close, but s long as you treat him with kindness and respect you should rub along ok.

And agree with building in one on one time. Get DH to take each of the step children out individually for an hour or so each time they come. Even just a walk to the shop, it gives them time to reconnect after time away. SS clearly need it more, but all three need to get time with him.

Hi OP,

I'm in a similar situation. DPs DS was 3 when we met. He's now 8 and I don't see his 2 children at all. His behaviour was awful and DP refused to deal with it and it caused stress and arguments for us both. DP explained that he had always been the same even when he lived with their mother, so it wasn't the situation IYSWIM.

For those of you saying that it has nothing to do with the mother, if they were with me and doing something they shouldn't, or screaming when I had put our baby to bed for example, they just used to tell me I couldn't tell them what to do as their mum had told them so. It's not practical to go 'telling' on a child every time they do something naughty rather than just instantly dealing with it. I would expect any adult to tell my children they had done wrong if they were in their care.

I do genuinely believe that how the children's mother is makes a huge difference to the relationship. The DC got told Daddy wasn't at home because he chose to live with me. Instant resentment. We met a year after she had left him for OM and has been obstructive, abusive to the point of involving the police, has played games, come on to DP during handover, lied about their son having muscular dystrophy and so many other things. She is a drama queen extraordinaire and she seems unable to put her children first, yet expects me and DP to, to the detriment of our children.

DP was afraid to rock the boat and deal with it properly, leading to one very stressed out and exhausted Mum. I felt like my nest was being invaded by some very hostile people who hated me and my baby. DP changed completely with me and DS when they were around and I literally felt like we were at war. He worked away, left me to clean up after the chaos of weekend visits with a newborn who woke every hour for 9 months on my own and I just couldn't cope. DP didn't even bond with our DS as he didn't see him properly for a year.

They can pin it all on me, most of the time I don't even care anymore whether I'm seen as the evil stepmother. I tried. I failed. We don't have a blended family but are trying to find a way to muddle through, as ultimately we have two children together and I don't think us splitting up and creating another separated family is going to help anybody. I agree that people should leave in these situations where children aren't involved, but in OPs situation there are and I don't know what that would achieve.

I really hope you have more success than me OP. Don't feel bad about how you feel, you can't control it. Having a baby is stressful. A total of 6 children must be extremely difficult. All you can do is your best. Ultimately his behaviour is not your problem. Of course you can support your DP to change it, but I find it amazing that people think you should put all your efforts into someone else's child above your own.

MumOfTwoMasterOfNone I think that the other parent can have an impact on how the children behave, however the issue I and so many others here have is that when children misbehave the blame is automatically laid on the mother when that certainly is not always the case. And conversely if the new family works well together then any other parent's actions are unlikely to have long-term consequences.

By your own admission your DSC's mother was bitter and went to lengths to turn her children against you and their dad, but instead of dealing with it, the dad was completely ineffective and as such he was a big a part of the problem as his ex. I have a friend whose ex went to great lengths to turn her children against him. Told the children that friend was the OW (she wasn't,) obstructed contact between the children and their dad to the point he spent thousands in legal fees going through the courts, refused to tolerate the kind of talk against him and friend in his house, and consequently the children all moved to live with him and friend by the time they were in their teens.

Conversely however, I have a 14.5 YO DS who really hasn't taken to his dad's new partner, and I have absolutely no doubt that if she came on here to say that the first response would be "oh, it'll be the mother turning him against you," when that is categorically not the case. So I do think that each situation needs to be judged on its own merits rather than automatically being ascribed to one cause iyswim.

As for the line that the partner was in an abusive relationship with this evil ex, while there is absolutely no doubt that men too can be in abusive relationships, why is it that when women leave abusive relationships they do what's in the interests of their children by giving them stability, but when men do it they turn into completely ineffectual disney parents who are desparate to please? And destroy their new relationships into the bargain as well?

Mumoftwomasterofnone You have the same problem as op not taking a step back and allowing your dp to skip out of disciplining and putting boundaries in place.

You've been together since the 5 yr old were babies - ergo you were the OW and you wonder why the EX hates you!!! Sorry he really fought to stay with his family but you two have been together since they were babies - sorry that is eff all effort when you have a new born. If his wife was o abusive - how did he manage to have DSS.

So when did you two actually move in together.

Your DP sounds like a selfish twat but then you do not sound much nicer..

I pity the poor children in the unholy mess two v selfish people have created.

Uneffingbelievable are you for real????

There is no need for such an aggressive comment. How do you know that there wasn't an OM?? Couples split up at all sorts of stages for all sorts of reasons. You are bang out of order and nothing but an online bully!

I didn't like my SM growing up and she knew it. It had nothing, absolutely nothing to do with my mother who didn't think anything at all of my SM. She left my dad for someone else and was pleased my dad met someone else afterwards. She bore no resentment and never expressed any negative feelings towards her. If I didn't like my SM, it was because of her own actions and the way she behaved towards, which I interpreted then as wishing I didn't exist as her life would have been so much better with her, my dad and her DD only.

Now an adult, I can see that she didn't want me as much out of the way as I felt then, but I do think she handled the situation very badly, which she agrees herself. We are now close as adults.

People can make a lot of presumptions only understanding a small amount of information.
Nobody would slate a woman for leaning a domestic violence relationship neither would they for having children in that relationship so why different for a man? Apart from anything else he didn't chose to leave he chose to stay in that to be with the kids.

People see the woman as the one that's always scorned. That a woman couldn't possibly leave a man, if the relationship is over than it must be him that's left and for someone else. It couldn't possibly be other way round! So many stigmas attached.

Looks like a goady toad has popped up on your thread op. Just ignore it.

I think you have a big problem im afraid. Seems like you're the only one looking out for the older girls. How sad that the boy is so clearly the favourite from both the parents.

He did not choose to stay - he left when your DSS was a baby

Do not see the woman as the only one who can be scorned undoubtedly it can go either way. On here we only hear one side of the story and lets be honest plenty of people of both sexes lie about how bad their EX was to justify their actions - but hating a 5 yr old - hate is such a harsh emotion.

AS to aggressive - typical SM board - rarely does anyone admit to being the OW and those who do justify it by saying they were not the one who broke the relationship/marriage vows to justify their actions.

Her DP needs to man up and parent his child properly - it will be hard that is his problem not OPs. But hate a 5 yr old.....

(Cretonne I thought that was a really thoughtful good post)

Hate is too much if a strong word I hate the situation but it's nothing like the one the conclusions have been thought up on here. It's so ironic that I am referred to as the other woman.
Mummyoftwomasterofnone thank you for posting I'm really hoping it doesn't get to that. I posted because I'm aware that's where we are heading if this continues. A lot of what you've said rings true for me. I can really relate to everything you've posted,
You're right about the ex, my children dote on my every word, children are so impressionable. I feel like that's not really the issue although it's not a helpful factor but there is so much more, much of what you've described in your situation.
How does your situation work with not seeing his children? Do you share a home? If so how does he have them?

He is just so rude and disrespectful to me everyone comments on it. I'm not overly strict just basic things like manners, eating your vegetables before desert, not responding to temper tantrums. I would like to think I'm quite laid back

He's a 5 year old child, any adult 'advising' him on the above or 'telling him off' will be perceived as the 'bad guy'.
Your actions need to match your words - your dh should be stepping up to be SEEN as the primary parent.
He should be the one giving 'instructions' etc with you just backing him up.
When dh is not around, don't have dss if he won't respond to you.
If you have to discipline him when dh isn't around then you simply tell dss in plain terms that's rude etc and this is the consequence according to your dad's rules...so take it up with him when he comes back.

he needs more time alone with his dad, even if it's just bath/bed/story/nipping to shops.
If your dh needs to change job/hours in order to make time for his dc then that's what he needs to do.

He reads him a story every night,baths him. He goes with him everywhere he monopolies his dad over his sisters the whole weekend he's here. Because DH can't ever say no it's a case of who can shout the loudest and that's him because the girl won't scream cry and whinge like he does.

Your DSS - has had the worst of all worlds in terms of the children.

Your older DSDs - grew up with Dad, have a knowledge of him as the father figure in their life and have memories of a family.

DSS - from what you have iad, has never known that. Has had no regular father figure in his life, your DS - the same age has had his DSS father in his life from the start. You have both then thrown another baby into the mix who will again get what your DSS has never had.

Throw into that - a mother who was left literally holding the baby, whilst he went to be father to another son and now has another child.

The adults in this have been selfish - your DSS has been screwed from every angle by those who should have been looking out for him. Sorry OP - yours and DPs actions may have suited you but the timing and execution has screwed one of the children over badly. Whatever his mother says or does will not help either but you have one very angry, resentful, scared, sad little boy - who is telling you this in the only way he knows how - bad behaviour. He loves his mum, he loves his Dad - you are the outsider - your DP needs to sort this out - but really the adults have created the situation and need to sort it out.

Twodot - most women do not have a baby and within a few months run off and have an affair - usually a practicality thing of having a the baby parasite! ( A few may- but most poeple are too focussed on the child)

uneffingbelievable I agree with every word.

So what do you suggest the op does on a practical level uneffing?

Uneffing, I've never said most people do! But that does not mean OP is the OW like you suggest. You have no place in throwing those accusations