Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!
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410 replies
WhoGivesAFlying · 26/04/2016 09:42
OP posts:
lateforeverything ·
02/05/2016 09:01
MuttonCadet hope dss is ok today. My dss' bio mum has said a couple of truly awful things to him in the past that have left me gobsmacked and she hasn't even laid eyes on him in over 3 years. He's 12 now and wants no more to do with her. (Long back story and she lives abroad) Anyway, hope dss is all right 
Texts are worse than words imo because you can re-read them and wind yourself up etc 
lateforeverything ·
02/05/2016 09:09
So it turns out that my LA is not very knowledgeable about SP Adoption and are trying to impose rules and procedures as if it were an agency adoption. We are still very excited but I'm a bit fed up. I've not said a word to dss about the balls ups though.
Basically I had to provide the LA with the correct information about the adoption via their own website (really??) and justice.gov.uk.
Sw visit booked for a couple of weeks' time and I'm wondering if they'll succeed in getting any response out of bio mum as we have failed thus far and tends to prefer to tell ppl that she has no kids 
lateforeverything ·
02/05/2016 09:32
Yeah it was a bloody joke. I was told over and over 'that's our practice, we've always done it this way.' The best was -wait for it- "No-one's ever questioned us before." WTAF? So I should just fall in line and be treated like a stranger to my dss as opposed to someone who's invested 10 years of her life to this lovely boy.
Felt like they were on a power trip tbh
Matilda2013 ·
02/05/2016 10:21
Faith I remember last year dsd was here for most of a week off and I was having like two days off to myself. Her mum asked if I could keep her for one of these as she had been offered more work. Text me the following day at about 12 saying she hadn't had to work and could she now pick her up... Cause I loved being told that when I was supposed to have the whole day to myself think they forget that step mums aren't there just to fit to their plans sometimes!
Matilda2013 ·
02/05/2016 10:51
That makes sense mutton your poor dss though even if she doesn't like you that's no need to say things like that to her son
lateforeverything ·
02/05/2016 11:05
Oh yes, of course it's your fault!
It's also my fault that dss doesn't want to know his bio mum even though she hasn't sent him a Christmas present since 2012 and doesn't even phone on his birthday! 
FaithLoveandHope ·
02/05/2016 12:16
Everything's the stepmum's fault Mutton Did you miss that memo? On a serious note she sounds utterly vile! Late your DSS's mum sounds awful too.
Matilda that's rubbish! In all honesty I'd tell her where to stick it if DSD's mum ever asked me to have her on my day off. I apparently spend too much time around DSD as it is so like heck would I do her any favours.
Matilda2013 ·
02/05/2016 12:21
Yeah I'm more of that way of thinking. Last year was dsd first year of school and I covered as many holidays as I could as both dp and her mum don't get paid holidays. But when it got to the ones I couldn't cover she was demanding half the childcare costs anyway despite me doing most. And now she's started about the summer hols which we are splitting three weeks each (two of which we are abroad with dsd) and she expects us to pay for the half there childcare in her weeks too
lateforeverything ·
02/05/2016 12:29
Awful would be putting it mildly unfortunately Faith We have tried and tried to maintain contact but she doesn't want to know. I have flown dss abroad to see her and she was usually late or a no-show. Dss and I managed to make a 'holiday' of it each time but it's not the point
She has different versions depending on who she is talking to but she has been has been caught out in the past, as liars often are. ie when it suits her it's my fault but on other days she's eternally grateful to me and I'm the mother dss needs whereas to some people she has said that she has no kids. When people know happen to know each other though and connect the dots they all come round to realising the truth: that she does not care.
Dh and I signed our pr docs before the court hearing and our lawyer represented us on the day as the hearing was abroad. Our lawyer said she practically skipped out of the courtroom with her new-found liberation(!) But yes, of course as the SM it's my fault and I stole dss, hurrah!
Bananasinpyjamas1 ·
02/05/2016 13:08
Yes, we sign a contract when we become SMs to be the scapegoat for everything, did you not read the small print?! 
Late - frustrating but at least the process is started. Even if you have to go through lots of hoops. I guess different LAs may not have policies on this, and to make sure that no one challenges the adoption later, it may well be worth your while making sure that it is watertight. My DP adopted his eldest from his first wife, so I do understand.
matilda - must also be beyond frustrating! There is often a more selfish person after a split up (and before) don't you think? The dynamics don't change... Perhaps you should charge both parents childcare costs for your contributions? Seriously! Just bring it up so that at least they can both see what a huge saving you do for both. Even if you bring it up as a joke... Say 'Well, ha ha, if I didn't do X last year it would have cost 3000 pounds extra.'
mutton Oh my, it made me feel a bit sick reading that, imagine getting a text from your mum saying she didn't love you? Awful.
lateforeverything ·
02/05/2016 13:47
I'd love him to have a better relationship with her, kids need their parents.
I know exactly what you mean!!! I used to place a lot of responsibility on myself for their relationship but if you look at it objectively that makes absolutely no sense. Dss' bio mum is quite simply not a very nice person and whilst we do not bad mouth her we've stopped pro-actively trying to force a positive relationship.
Dss feels very strongly that dh and I are his parents and tbh most ppl don't believe me when I say he's not biologically mine My conscience is clear and my boy is happy so that's all I care about.
Thanks for the encouraging words bananas I'm slightly ocd and read up on sp adoption for hours before submitting the intention so I thought that the LA would be just as, if not more, knowledgeable than I was but no...
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WillAndDisgrace ·
04/05/2016 20:50
to all of you who have to deal with numpty's who have no idea what it is to be a SP and then get judged on this "support forum" cheers
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