Join me for a second glass of virtual prosecco

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Hey all, hope you all had a happy Crimbo

[Thepurplehen]

Bananas, you summed it up completely. I just would like to know when I'm "off duty".

Glad you had a good one.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

I have to say I've had a best Christmas ever!

It was because I didn't see any of my step children over the holidays and just spent it with DP, my family and friends. Sometimes we step parents just need to not be a step parent - even if it is for just some of the time!

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Purple that is annoying. I too used to have that debate, with DP furious that it was 'DSDs home' and asking for advance notice was like putting her out on the street the way he reacted! It seems so common on these boards. Yet DSDs mum would just send her right back to ours if it wasn't convenient for her, DP wouldn't blink an eye. It's not just the dinners, all step families of shared living arrangement kids do need a break I think, to not be a step parent. If you don't know, it's like you can never 'switch off'. Yet your DP won't have that need - yet turned on it's head - why doesn't your DSD just give you a bit of notice? It really isn't much to ask.

[Thepurplehen]

I'm a planner too and I really struggle with not knowing what I'm going to be doing. I don't really blame dsd, but I do think a little pep talk from Dad about being a little less selfish might not go a miss.

It might not change anything but I'd feel a lot better and I'd certainly pull my son up on behaving that way (he's the same age).

[Matilda2013]

Ah purple that doesn't sound like fun at all! Although teenagers will be teenagers I imagine my sister was the same with our mum throughout her teens with her bf and her coming and going or saying they would be there and then not being there for food! But definitely a little more consideration would be lovely! Especially if it is certain food needed!

Glad you had not too bad a time though I always find Christmas is a stressful time when I overthink it all beforehand but it tends to fall into place! Doesn't help that I'm the only "planner" in the three of us. They're far too laid back they'd leave all plans to the day before

[Thepurplehen]

Matilda, glad you got through Christmas ok. Sometimes it's easier having the kids most of the time - at least you know what's going on don't you?

We had a relatively good time. One of my "current " issues is that dsd2 is v "loved up" with her boyfriend. She came home from uni declaring she would spend half her time at Mums house this holiday. She's spent 3 days in over 3 weeks at home with mum. She's either been at ours or at her boyfriends parents. I have had no idea whether I'll be feeding her and bf each day. I've asked dp to try and pin her down and ask her not to let me know an hour before dinner, but he won't say a thing to her. I've asked her and she just says she "doesn't know" what she's doing each day (I suspect she's letting her bf dictate her schedule, which I think is also something to talk through with her too).

I've just stopped expecting her and told her to cook for herself (which causes more issues ) if she can't let me know in good time. It doesn't help that her bf has a special diet so not easy to add him in on our meal anyway.

Dsd2 hasn't been asked by dp to lift a finger at home but has had use of our car the entire holiday and has been quick to let us know when her next lot of accommodation needs paying for.

She's a lovely girl but I do feel she's allowed to be a bit selfish and inconsiderate.

I heard her older sister telling her off for not letting her mum know she wasn't going for dinner. No one tells her off for not letting me know. But hey, I'm "only a step mum" aren't I?

[Matilda2013]

So did we all survive Christmas and New Year? Ours was relatively uneventful with very little change of plans mostly cause we had dsd most of the holidays

Now we just have far too many toys yet another joy of blended families when there's only one child around and it's time to focus on 2017! Hopefully with a new house and a pregnancy if I'm lucky!

[BlueClearSkies]

Blue That is very hard, effectively bonding with a child, being a mother to him, then handling complete rejection when DM comes along. It's quite selfless

Not really thought of it like that. So used to being the bad guy. It is sad.

[Matilda2013]

Imagine forgetting dragon didn't you know we only exist as stepmothers when the step kids are around?

On another note we're off to see Cinderella tomorrow at the panto

[DragonsToSlayAndWineToDrink]

And Bananas, I totally agree - our family friends have a toddler, so it's not childfree, but Christmas Eve with four adults and a toddler could be a predominantly adult event with toddler distracted by toys, whereas with 2 children it will be a (lovely, but) totally different day!

[DragonsToSlayAndWineToDrink]

Oh whoops Matilda, my mistake, thought I had my own life...forgot I was a STEPMOTHER for one sec

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

It's REALLY annoying the not knowing when/where step children are turning up isn't it. I don't even think that it's about having other plans or not, it's a totally different dynamic.

To just ignore that is like saying basically there is no adjustment, there is no difference, everyone just slots in happily all the time. Er... usually no!

[Evergreen777]

We're getting it from all directions with changing plans lately

Sometimes it's DH faiiling to communicate with me properly. Sometimes his ex arranging things for the DSC at times when we were expecting them to be with us. Also my ex messing us around saying he'd have the DC on boxing day, then saying he can't. And then eldest DSD just arranging her own extremely busy social life last minute involving three parties in a row, so we'll hardly see her before Christmas (after having worked out a meal plan that she will actually agree to eat)

[Matilda2013]

You mean your whole life doesn't revolve around dsd dragon?

That's always the bit I hate most! Changing times like we have no plans outside of what we do with dsd and we can just drop/rearrange things to suit her mums fancy at the time

[DragonsToSlayAndWineToDrink]

You ok Foof?

Having thought my own arrangements were sorted, I am now finding it impossible to get confirmation of what time we can have DSD from on Christmas Eve - and we have made plans to visit family friends, so I just want to let them know whether DSD is coming or not! Is that so much to ask?!

[FoofLeakage]

I don't know about prosecco, but I'm popping the vodka here.

[gingina]

So today we are Christmas shopping and I will spend the day telling DP not to spend a small fortune on his dc and feeling like the Christmas grinch!!
If he shopped alone he would spend millions on them both

[Evergreen777]

Thanks bananas Yes it is better. Having teenagers 2/3 of the time but still with their mum officially their primary carer didn't work well and she just got more and more detached from their lives, but we weren't really on top of them either. DSS should have been off to university open days in the summer, but that never happened. Now he's here full time, that's been easier to cajole him into organising things like that. I've also finally managed to get him sorted with driving lessons :) I do miss the bits of time with just my own kids, but overall it's good.

Glad to hear you and your DP are getting through things OK. My younger DSD put a photo of me and her on Instagram on my birthday which made me very happy. It's lovely when they're prepared to show the world that you're a part of their lives :)

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

Blue That is very hard, effectively bonding with a child, being a mother to him, then handling complete rejection when DM comes along. It's quite selfless.

gingina I sympathise with the getting angry! With my DP it was one of the things I nearly left him for, the getting angry with me instead of his daughters. It's really damaging. A kind of awful defensive anger, that comes from someone else just saying that anyone could clearly see.

evergreen It sounds like you have some kind of peaceful equilibrium? If so, I'm glad for you. It's interesting that it's not necessarily seeing less of your step kids, it's finding an arrangement that works better. You and your DP seem to be working together?

A lot has changed for me and DP - mainly an acceptance from him that any dysfuntionality with his older children is not my fault! Even if the older DSDs are still pretty ignoring of me.

It's amazing how one tiny thing can cheer you up though. I had a nice comment from my DSD3 on social media, on a picture I put up of me and DP together. I don't usually rub in the couple photos. She said it was lovely. A small but significant acceptance of me and DP as a couple. She's actually the one DSD3 who has never been any trouble at all, never resented me or my DS. It does make me feel that I'm not totally bad!

[Matilda2013]

Glad your situation has settled a bit this year evergreen!

We're back on happy terms for now (all the threats when arguing are never serious but they know how to wind one another up and I hate it). So hopefullly the happiness lasts the Christmas holidays

And I'm glad things are better blue! If the agreement is that you don't have dss without his dad there then that should apply unless it's an emergency as you said. Not just as he feels

[Evergreen777]

Thought I'd check back in here - with new username -after a few months away from this thread. It was good to chat last year when I was struggling with DSD and DSS both doing alternating weeks between our home and their mum's. This school year we have settled to DSS living entirely with us, and DSD back to her previous routine of living with her mum in the week and with us at weekends. This is a much better system for everyone I think as DH and I are now more or less on top of DSS's life, and hopefully DSD's mum is more in touch with hers. :) But with Christmas coming up we have all the DSC for a week and a half, including elder DSD back from Uni and now vegan. Am hoping she's found a bit more enthusiasm for cooking than she had in the summer.

That sounds really hard with your DSS blue - but how can you parent a child if they won't engage, and nobody is making them engage with you? Very hard after it's gone on so long, and teenage boys can be a bit reclusive at the best of times. That kind of non-relationship was kind of what happened with DSS and his mum, and the main reason he's now living with us. My DH goes away for work sometimes too and I always find it stressful - he's tired, grumpy, anxious about the travel, gets behind on other work etc. And I kind of switch back into single parent mode and then have to readjust when he comes home again.

[gingina]

Well done Blue for standing your ground.
If your DH is anything like mine, he will have got arsey because deep down he knew you were right and his DS was being unreasonable but it is easier to take it out on you than to actually deal with his DS.
My DP is at his stroppiest when his DC are being awful and he knows it. I point it out to him and rather than agreeing with me and dealing with the situation, he gets annoyed at me for highlighting that his kids are less than perfect!!
My DSC are here from Weds 21st to Christmas Day this year. I'm off work till Jan 3rd so I'm hoping for a relaxing peaceful time!
Cheers!!

[BlueBlueSkies]

Dragon and Bananas
Thank you for your messages.
When DSS was little we were very close, I had a very motherly relationship with him. Then when he was about 6 his DM came back into his life. The more he saw of her the more he withdrew from me. I let that happen, we thought it would be good for him to rebuild his relationship. He withdrew from the other kids too and would not talk to them even when they tried.

TBH I am not that bothered about not having a relationship with him now. It has gone on so long. However I do get upset if DH does not support me. Which 90% of the time he does.

He phoned me when he was away and has been fine since he got back. It might have been more to do with stress about going away.

[Bananasinpyjamas1]

DH argued and got upset, I was throwing his son out of the house etc. And there is the one of the main roots of the problem! So sorry Blue. I have had VERY similar. Of course your DSS should go to his Mums - if he refuses to acknowledge you as the adult in the house - which at the minimum is civility - then he has to go where he does acknowledge that. Otherwise you are totally undermined even as a human being.

One of my DSDs did this - thankfully some time ago - she started refusing to go her Mums like this, and being increasingly very resistant to me in any way while her Dad was away. As it got older the argument changed to 'well she doesn't need any looking after so she can stay all the time - it is her house'. That is not a valid argument. It is not any child's house as in 'hotel' - it is their family home where the adults are paying for it, managing it, overseeing all responsibilities in order for the children to grow and become independent. Because of that, both adults, step or not, have to be able to live in relative peace and harmony with the children - whether 2, 12 or 22. Which means that yes they should be expected to

I had to go to counselling to even begin to get my DP to see this. He still doesn't. I had to break up with him in order to stand my ground! We as a relationship are still damaged by it, and I'm still not convinced I want someone who let their child be so mean for so long to me and my (much younger and therefore vulnerable) son without doing anything about it! Grrr... so hang in there Blue - whatever has caused this situation - if you are basically being decent to this boy then you deserve your DP to totally defend your need to be treated humanely back - which includes having a break from the stress of it all.