Join me for a second glass of virtual prosecco

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!

wdigin I hope that you enjoy your holiday, so nice for you and your DH to have some time together, without interference! I.e. No phone calls, cries for help! Hope you get some.

I have to say despite it being very sad and difficult with DP at the moment, just having respite from step family dynamics is absolute BLISS. Not that they were terrible recently, but remembering previous drama in counseling made me think, thank god it's not around me now!

Out and Matilda I so identify with that frustration of someone else dictating your life! I used to feel like my home was the dumping ground for ExW when she wanted to kick out the kids for hours, days, weeks... I used to get into such arguments with DP about it - who would often say 'well if they lived here all the time' - I think in the end it would have been easier if they did. It's not, NOT wanting step kids around, that's the thing isn't it. It's having ExW be in control so that I didn't know what and who was in my house literally from one day to the next. I actually got a compromise eventually, with a regular schedule to cut out all the manipulation, the drama, and guess what ExW 'hated it' and ignored it half the time, but it was better! So whatever you are feeling, it is NOT you that is the problem!

I hope that you get a bit of time off Matilda too No plans can be rearranged or cancelled
Out So pleased that you have a good conversation about secrets. Shows a good level of trust and comfort her has in you, you can' be the wicked step mother! But I could have written this myself He says she doesn't have any control over our lives - but she does... She just expects us to have him whenever she feels like it... It is stressful, and it isn't fair, it's far better for everyone to know what and where everyone is, including the poor kids!

Her... Meant DSS ... He!

Quick rant here as I'll get flamed in RL or a new thread.....but DH has only just addressed that dsd has had the same knickers on since Friday morning! She's at an age where she needs deodorant fgs. I asked her yesterday if she had changed them and she lied (I know as the ones she should have taken off when not in her dirty clothes bag but everything else was). Only after being told to have a bath has DH notices (even after I told him she had lied to me) that they are still on! Is this normal? I know kids are soap dodgers but this seems a bit much to me....DH really needs to be on top of this as I had to go through it all with dsd when he was that age.....pants patrol

*dss

I have no advice or experience sorry! Dsd is five so we still deal with that although she did manage to go to nursery once with both her dirty and clean pants on . Does she realise she will smell and it could possibly cause her to get infections etc? Maybe your dh could explain?

Whoegives how old is she?
Could you just place clean underwear, along with her outer clothes, on her bed every morning. If she still doesn't change, maybe you could ask her if there's any reason she's not wearing the clean stuff you put out for her!
It might be a bit embarrassing for her if her DF approaches the subject.

DH explained to her that for a girl her age it's important she has clean pants every day....he told her if she had said to me when I ask "oops I just forgot" that it wouldn't have been a problem. It wasn't that long ago she got worms....I'm sure from itching and constantly biting her nails. things like this are just not on DH's radar and I'm sick of being the one to moan about the mundane stuff

Widge, she comes with a bag of clothes she packs herself. She get her clothes from there in the morning but just doesn't get pants. I'm not comfortable going through her bag and choosing her outfits, she's more than able at 10 yrs

I don't mind chasing her up as such (I know things can be forgotten) I just don't like being lied to and it falling to me to chance it up. I could just ignore it but I don't want a dirty pre pubescent.

My DDs have both experimented with how long knickers can go but the difference is as they are my DDs I can call them on it. Happily DSD is the least skanky of the lot. Honestly I admire you all and feel very lucky.

I've said to DH I will just tell
him to tell her, he'll soon realise how much I have to go on sometimes and I won't be the one being lied to. I was more upset about that as it not the first time she's lied and caused upset. We actually had a bit of a falling out about it (DH and I) . I was cross with the lying and he called me out in front of her, saying I was childish . I rounded on him saying I shouldn't even have to be in this position and it shouldn't be my responsibility to go on pants/teeth/hair/clean socks/washed hands patrol, then I won't get pissed off when I'm lied to. Anyway, I told dsd that I love her and gave her a hug but also said I was upset she lies so much and it hard to believe her in the future. I think we have made ground :)

Whogives - Yes I have had 'pants' experience with DSD. She was older though, 15 at the time. I did the following:

• asked what underwear she needed (aggressive retort from her) - just went out and got a load of nice, plain underwear anyway and left it in her room
• said loudly and matter of factly to ALL DSDs - does anyone need new underwear/clothes - because you all need at least 2 WEEKS supply as you need to change socks and pants DAILY (emphasised).
• Bought a couple of books on growing up for teenage girls, recommended, with all sorts of advice on friendships, boys, periods, hygiene, confidence etc and left these in DSDs room (was read from cover to cover)
• talked to DP but DSD used to angrily tell him to go away if he tried to talk about hygiene.
• go in at night to turn her light off as she always left it on when she went to sleep, and scooped up any dirty washing so she couldn't put it on the next day.

Tbh she now lives at her mums and although has a boyfriend now, and fairly happy, at Uni, she still doesn't change her clothes often and I worry about how she'll get on when she starts a job.

Thanks bananas, I've spoken a little about the importance of hygiene. I can't get past the clothes thing as she doesn't leave/have any here. She slept for two tights in the knickers so no chance to whipp them away. I think we are getting there though. what book was it?

WhoGives I think in my dim memory it was the Rough Guide to being a Girl. - also Chicken soup for the teenage soul. I just left it in each girls room without saying much - it seemed to work as they were all being quite indifferent to their parents, and not wanting me as a step mum to come anywhere near them, but would take in information from a third party.

It's hard the hygiene thing - especially coming from us step mums. At least with you it sounds as if, as you have her as the non main resident parent - then hard as it is, it is up to the main resident parent to build a relationship there and sort it out. Not that you can't try, just that if someone isn't building good habits for your DSD daily, it's not going to easy for you on weekends.

I also tried buying expensive hair conditioner and giving her new towels, to try and make her feel that she is worth lovely things. Again, I didn't make a fuss.

Ummm..... It's after 8am. Is it too early for a much needed glass? Nah. It's medicinal.

Here you go

Thrust, I needed that!

As it's too late to turn the clock back 11 years.... alcohol is the answer

May need a flux capacitor and 1.21 Jiggawatts for that

Are you ok Eliza ?

www.amazon.co.uk/gp/aw/d/1848360185

Thanks for you input bananas... I found this

Aww, thanks for the concern WhoGivesAFlying.

This was me yesterday morning..... And then, after the

I am about to passed over again at an event. Just NOT invited so that sd and her mum can pretend I don't exist. I don't really want to go but it's the utter nastiness, the schoolyard "we're not playing with you" aspect that makes me want to tear my hair out!

I'll go out on the day and spend cold hard cash from the joint account on me like I did last time I was in this position!

Good thinking, I like your style Eliza

Just want to thank you all for your messages of support last week. Had a lovely long weekend away with my mum and aunties. Really needed the time out with family. DH is still on his absolute best behaviour. Still unsure it will last but feeling slightly more positive about sticking with it.

I remember my mum giving me a book to read on puberty and all that stuff. She did what you did bananas just casually left it in my room. It also got read cover to cover. Way less embarrassing than a conversation with her.

Passing the and to those in need of some.

I've given up!!
DSD does the same regarding pants. She doesn't clean her teeth, wash or brush her hair unless one of us nags (she's 12

Oops posted too fast!
All came to a head when someone at school called her death breath - she was upset and wanted us to stick up for her but I just said "that's what happens when you don't clean your teeth!!!"
She's better now with her teeth but still tries to get away with not washing!! I'm sure someone at school will call her smelly and then that might do the trick!!