Join me for a second glass of virtual prosecco

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!

Thought I'd bump this thread up with Christmas coming, a time of peace, love and family issues....

We've got DSD for Christmas Eve-Christmas morning for 1st time ever - she's 12 so less pressure than if she was tiny, but am still nervous about getting it right! How is everyone else finding the arrangements this year?

We've got dsd from midway through Christmas Day. Probably best not to have her Christmas Eve as we have a barbie house to build rest of the holiday isn't sorted out yet but will hopefully get that sorted out as soon as!

Good luck with the Barbie house Matilda - get the in first!

We are going to the ExWs on Christmas morning to see the kids opening their presents, so I will need wine!

Roll on next year when the DSCs will be staying at ours on Christmas Eve!

We normally go to dsd mum on Christmas morning for a little hour but I'm actually hoping we don't have to this year..

There will be lots of alcohol on hand for any dramas the creep up

So yeah happy days are unhappy fast tried getting them to arrange the childcare for Xmas holidays and somehow they got on to maintenance and how if she did it through CMS or whatever they'd take my wages into account nope they wouldn't at all cause she's not actually my child!

Good luck with that bluebell! My PIL are having a big family get together on Boxing Day, which DSDs Mum is sometimes at - crossing my fingers she won't be this year!

Matilda, hope the maintenance issue got sorted?!

Looking forward to Christmas, just me, DH and my two this year.

Bit of a rant. DSS (14) and I do not get on, he never talks to me, will not come into a room I am in and ignores me. He will call his father out of the room to talk to him if I am in there. He goes straight to his room and does not leave till it is time for school or to go to his DM. Eats all his food in his room, even has a fridge in there. Because of this behaviour I will not be responsible for him, and this had been agreed for years. I have been in this boys life for over 10 years.

DH works away sometimes, when this happens DSS will stay with his DM. Friday DH is going away, DSS is in the house. I asked 3 times to confirm that DSS will be going to his DM before DH leaves. Yes, yes, yes all confirmed. Then 10 mins before DH is to leave, he asks me if DSS can stay. DSS wants to play games that he can not at his mothers. I put my foot down and said no, this has been agreed for years and I will not look after him overnight. If it were an emergency then we could discuss it. But it is only because he wants to play computer games, so tough.

DH argued and got upset, I was throwing his son out of the house etc. They both left the house to take him to his DM. Then DH stormed off, he is away for a week and not talking to me now. I feel that it was so unreasonable to go back on our agreement, he feels I am being unreasonable not letting him stay.

Wow, that sounds tough blue. It's so odd that you've known DSS since he was 4, yet he still won't engage?! Has it always been like that? I hope your DH cools down soon

DH argued and got upset, I was throwing his son out of the house etc. And there is the one of the main roots of the problem! So sorry Blue. I have had VERY similar. Of course your DSS should go to his Mums - if he refuses to acknowledge you as the adult in the house - which at the minimum is civility - then he has to go where he does acknowledge that. Otherwise you are totally undermined even as a human being.

One of my DSDs did this - thankfully some time ago - she started refusing to go her Mums like this, and being increasingly very resistant to me in any way while her Dad was away. As it got older the argument changed to 'well she doesn't need any looking after so she can stay all the time - it is her house'. That is not a valid argument. It is not any child's house as in 'hotel' - it is their family home where the adults are paying for it, managing it, overseeing all responsibilities in order for the children to grow and become independent. Because of that, both adults, step or not, have to be able to live in relative peace and harmony with the children - whether 2, 12 or 22. Which means that yes they should be expected to

I had to go to counselling to even begin to get my DP to see this. He still doesn't. I had to break up with him in order to stand my ground! We as a relationship are still damaged by it, and I'm still not convinced I want someone who let their child be so mean for so long to me and my (much younger and therefore vulnerable) son without doing anything about it! Grrr... so hang in there Blue - whatever has caused this situation - if you are basically being decent to this boy then you deserve your DP to totally defend your need to be treated humanely back - which includes having a break from the stress of it all.

Dragon and Bananas
Thank you for your messages.
When DSS was little we were very close, I had a very motherly relationship with him. Then when he was about 6 his DM came back into his life. The more he saw of her the more he withdrew from me. I let that happen, we thought it would be good for him to rebuild his relationship. He withdrew from the other kids too and would not talk to them even when they tried.

TBH I am not that bothered about not having a relationship with him now. It has gone on so long. However I do get upset if DH does not support me. Which 90% of the time he does.

He phoned me when he was away and has been fine since he got back. It might have been more to do with stress about going away.

Well done Blue for standing your ground.
If your DH is anything like mine, he will have got arsey because deep down he knew you were right and his DS was being unreasonable but it is easier to take it out on you than to actually deal with his DS.
My DP is at his stroppiest when his DC are being awful and he knows it. I point it out to him and rather than agreeing with me and dealing with the situation, he gets annoyed at me for highlighting that his kids are less than perfect!!
My DSC are here from Weds 21st to Christmas Day this year. I'm off work till Jan 3rd so I'm hoping for a relaxing peaceful time!
Cheers!!

Thought I'd check back in here - with new username -after a few months away from this thread. It was good to chat last year when I was struggling with DSD and DSS both doing alternating weeks between our home and their mum's. This school year we have settled to DSS living entirely with us, and DSD back to her previous routine of living with her mum in the week and with us at weekends. This is a much better system for everyone I think as DH and I are now more or less on top of DSS's life, and hopefully DSD's mum is more in touch with hers. :) But with Christmas coming up we have all the DSC for a week and a half, including elder DSD back from Uni and now vegan. Am hoping she's found a bit more enthusiasm for cooking than she had in the summer.

That sounds really hard with your DSS blue - but how can you parent a child if they won't engage, and nobody is making them engage with you? Very hard after it's gone on so long, and teenage boys can be a bit reclusive at the best of times. That kind of non-relationship was kind of what happened with DSS and his mum, and the main reason he's now living with us. My DH goes away for work sometimes too and I always find it stressful - he's tired, grumpy, anxious about the travel, gets behind on other work etc. And I kind of switch back into single parent mode and then have to readjust when he comes home again.

Glad your situation has settled a bit this year evergreen!

We're back on happy terms for now (all the threats when arguing are never serious but they know how to wind one another up and I hate it). So hopefullly the happiness lasts the Christmas holidays

And I'm glad things are better blue! If the agreement is that you don't have dss without his dad there then that should apply unless it's an emergency as you said. Not just as he feels

Blue That is very hard, effectively bonding with a child, being a mother to him, then handling complete rejection when DM comes along. It's quite selfless.

gingina I sympathise with the getting angry! With my DP it was one of the things I nearly left him for, the getting angry with me instead of his daughters. It's really damaging. A kind of awful defensive anger, that comes from someone else just saying that anyone could clearly see.

evergreen It sounds like you have some kind of peaceful equilibrium? If so, I'm glad for you. It's interesting that it's not necessarily seeing less of your step kids, it's finding an arrangement that works better. You and your DP seem to be working together?

A lot has changed for me and DP - mainly an acceptance from him that any dysfuntionality with his older children is not my fault! Even if the older DSDs are still pretty ignoring of me.

It's amazing how one tiny thing can cheer you up though. I had a nice comment from my DSD3 on social media, on a picture I put up of me and DP together. I don't usually rub in the couple photos. She said it was lovely. A small but significant acceptance of me and DP as a couple. She's actually the one DSD3 who has never been any trouble at all, never resented me or my DS. It does make me feel that I'm not totally bad!

Thanks bananas Yes it is better. Having teenagers 2/3 of the time but still with their mum officially their primary carer didn't work well and she just got more and more detached from their lives, but we weren't really on top of them either. DSS should have been off to university open days in the summer, but that never happened. Now he's here full time, that's been easier to cajole him into organising things like that. I've also finally managed to get him sorted with driving lessons :) I do miss the bits of time with just my own kids, but overall it's good.

Glad to hear you and your DP are getting through things OK. My younger DSD put a photo of me and her on Instagram on my birthday which made me very happy. It's lovely when they're prepared to show the world that you're a part of their lives :)

So today we are Christmas shopping and I will spend the day telling DP not to spend a small fortune on his dc and feeling like the Christmas grinch!!
If he shopped alone he would spend millions on them both

I don't know about prosecco, but I'm popping the vodka here.

You ok Foof?

Having thought my own arrangements were sorted, I am now finding it impossible to get confirmation of what time we can have DSD from on Christmas Eve - and we have made plans to visit family friends, so I just want to let them know whether DSD is coming or not! Is that so much to ask?!

You mean your whole life doesn't revolve around dsd dragon?

That's always the bit I hate most! Changing times like we have no plans outside of what we do with dsd and we can just drop/rearrange things to suit her mums fancy at the time

We're getting it from all directions with changing plans lately

Sometimes it's DH faiiling to communicate with me properly. Sometimes his ex arranging things for the DSC at times when we were expecting them to be with us. Also my ex messing us around saying he'd have the DC on boxing day, then saying he can't. And then eldest DSD just arranging her own extremely busy social life last minute involving three parties in a row, so we'll hardly see her before Christmas (after having worked out a meal plan that she will actually agree to eat)

It's REALLY annoying the not knowing when/where step children are turning up isn't it. I don't even think that it's about having other plans or not, it's a totally different dynamic.

To just ignore that is like saying basically there is no adjustment, there is no difference, everyone just slots in happily all the time. Er... usually no!

Oh whoops Matilda, my mistake, thought I had my own life...forgot I was a STEPMOTHER for one sec

And Bananas, I totally agree - our family friends have a toddler, so it's not childfree, but Christmas Eve with four adults and a toddler could be a predominantly adult event with toddler distracted by toys, whereas with 2 children it will be a (lovely, but) totally different day!