Join me for a second glass of virtual prosecco

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!

sorry this is a random rant. Soo annoyed, DP had to go out on sat evening and asked me to watch the kids (this is the first time he has asked in years, and only because it was necessary) Somehow his nasty ex found out and decoded she urgently wanted to ring the kids (the first time ever on her non contact weekend) Because I have previously had to file an harassment complaint against her when I saw her number come up on my ph I chose to ignore it. DP is treating me like I am nasty and evil because I decided to ignore a call from someone who legally is not allowed to call my number.

Surely he should know better? You're looking after them as a favour but you shouldn't have to be dealing with his ex after her behaviour! She can call when he's home surely? Wasn't an emergency I imagine. Would hate it if my dp took this view to be honest even though our situation is different but he'd be fine with me ignoring a call if I wished

no it wasn't an emergency, she was just stirring. In my eyes he has taken her wishes ahead of mine, so it seems what she wants means more to him than what I want.
and to top it off, when I got upset and left he accused me of running off to some other guy, goes to show how much he thinks of me.

I've taken the advice on this thread, I had the baby a week ago and I'm feeling much better, so DP is going to pick up DSS earlier than scheduled, and we're going to have a routine pretty close to the 'old' one (where DSS stays for most of the summer holidays). Except I'm going to put my feet up and leave DP to deal with whatever issues arise.

That said, there has already been plenty of drama behind my back. DP's ex and MIL had a phone conversation, after the ex apparently went fishing for info.

Firstly, she wanted to know if we'd had the baby yet (playing dumb I bet as she was told the due date) and if so why hadn't DSS been picked up to see him. That I didn't need a week to recover from a c-section. She also said that she was concerned that DP was leaving him out of his 'new' family. This is despite the fact that DP has had DSS every single weekend and all holidays since - forever.

She then went on to say that she had spoken to a friend, and was told she had a right to visit my home, and a right to meet me. And that she was concerned for DSS' welfare, as he apparently told her that my two sons bully him, and that he had been asking if she was the one having the baby. MIL now thinks that the ex is going to stop DP from seeing DSS.

Of course not in a million years would that ever happen. Without DP the ex has absolutely no free time, as her mother and 2 sisters are more than reluctant to ever look after DSS, and even lie to get out of doing it. The whole thing is a joke really, and at times I wonder why she even bothers to have full custody of DSS when she can't be bothered to do a single thing for him, until times like now, where suddenly she becomes 'concerned', as she's had to look after her own child for more than a week.

As per, when DP contacted her to pick DSS up early, she agreed to it and had nothing to say other than to emphasise how much DSS misses him. But apparently he never misses her when she spends weeks and weeks without seeing him, or even asking how he is.

don't you just love meddling ex's.
Glad your partner is stepping up, and keep in mind in your house, the ex has NO RIGHTS to visit ring hassle etc.

On holiday. DSS is breaking the few boundaries set. Dp not over eager to reinforce then. Not my circus... I have wine. Off to hug my 3 now I've finally sent them to bed. Got FIL and my parents here with us. Wine is necessary

Batboobs. That's great news and congratulations on the baby. Tell the ex to butt out. Im glad I never had ex problems as I get on fantastically with my husbands ex (mother of his son) and his ex wife. On my sons side his partner wants nothing to do with me which is great lol.

Well enjoy your new baby and once again congrats to you all

Long-time lurker here, forced out of hiding by the summer holidays. I have my DD(2) (with DH), & DSD (nearly 12), DSS (nearly 8) and DSD(6). They spend every other week with us, term-time and holidays alike. We had a week away last week, meaning that we all spent longer together than we usually do, and it was hard work. Fun, too, at times, but mainly hard work (DH thought it was great). DSD1 thinks she's an adult (always has done as long as I've known her, 5 years now), and DH plays right into her hands (he had got a lot better, but last week was bad). DSS and I are really close, but his behaviour can be bad (at school too), and I find DH lets him get away with too much. And DSD2 has unaddressed SN and can be challenging, but DH insists it's a phase. It's all a bit much sometimes. I wish my DH would at least acknowledge how hard it is for me, but he refuses to accept that.

The DSCs went back to their mum's yesterday, but I'm taking a while to settle down. Most of the time I just tick along and try to shut out how hard it is, but the holidays always make it difficult to ignore.

Batboobs - Congratulations. Enjoy your lovely new baby and ignore the stupid jealous ex.
Justfor - I know what you mean. My stepkids are great and mostly well behaved now but I struggle to have them for long periods because it really is hard work.
My summer hols are going ok so far. DSC are away with their Mum for 2 weeks and DP is walking about looking like someone has died but I keep reminding him that he has his 2 weeks with them soon and we are going abroad for the first time in years! It gets on my nerves - he should be happy that they are having such a good time (4 weeks of fun and holiday in total this summer - more than a lot of kids get) but he sees it as a bad thing because they are having fun without him!! WTF??? He phones them every night and seems dejected when they tell him what a great time they are having.

So dsd told us in the car today that her mummy said that her and daddy aren't together anymore as he seen me. safe to say dp is not impressed and will be talking to her mummy as I wasn't anywhere near the picture! Feels a bit shit if that's what she's been telling people cause I try be as helpful as possible for them all

Hi everybody! I hope that you're surviving the summer hols. I have been very lucky, things still tricky all round but I had a 5 day holiday, partly with my teenage DS, and partly just with my friends. It was bliss! No step children, no tricky balancing acts, just time doing nice things with friends and my son.

DP also spent 5 days with all his children, including our toddler. They didn't have to worry about 'step mum' either. It's not necessarily a good basis for relationships between us, but separately, it was a tonic for all.

Matilda - I would probably have told the DSD straight that 'mummy and daddy' aren't together because of things to do with both of them, and that you didn't even know her Dad when that was happening. It's not fair for your DSD to be told a big lie like that.

Batboobs that sounds pretty mad for you at the moment. Tbh you shouldn't really be having to think about anyone other than your own kids and baby in the early weeks. Put yourself and your kids first, take care of their needs first. Housework, other children, they can be cared for, catered for, thought of by their own parents and other people.

Heavens Glad it is OK generally. Although I totally get the 'lost sad father' syndrome, it's really annoying. I mean, he's having time with you too isn't he and shouldn't he make the most of some free time to enjoy YOUR company! My DP did this, the only holiday we have had in recent years, and we were out for supper, beautiful night, beautiful setting, warm, and I told him how lovely it was just to spend a bit of time together as a couple, how nice to be out with him. He just looked at me and sighed, and told me he missed his kids. Ouch!

Bananas sounds like you've managed to work a nice balance in the summer. May not be perfect or workable all the time but glad it was nice!

Spoke to dsds mum and she says she didn't say such a thing and she trotted the lines we all do about how grown ups fall out of love etc and they still like each other and both love her and then daddy met me and we're all happy etc. I'm not sure I believe she hasn't said it at some point she says this is what she said when she asked this week but at least I genuinely know it wasn't me and when she grows up she will too but I don't wanna be blamed for things as she's growing up that aren't my fault and that I can't change!

No, these ideas can take root in a child's mind, it's too easy to be scapegoated as step mum especially!

Yeah I think she genuinely does think some times that if I wasn't here mummy could marry daddy etc. She is only five so it's hard to explain these things but I hope it doesn't stick I don't want to be the wicked resented step mum

Made it home from holiday, intact, just! Last grew days dss' behavior disintegrated into very silly, and repeating himself 20 times, but not listening, or doing anything he was asked. Even dp got annoyed, and usually he ignores it all.

DSS spent the holiday glued to his phone. When out and about with my dad and ds (at coin stalks on flea markets) he spent his time explaining how much he hates me. Nothing I didn't know already, but I do feel that the crap from his mum, not as obvious as Matilda's dsd, but lots of it has brewed and contributed greatly, esp as dp ignored it all at the time. Next week I've got him at home while dp is back to work. Not looking forward to that, dss is constantly bloody rude, I can't pull him up on it or I get a mouthful, and my dc are beginning to copy. He's also becoming quite physical with the dds, and spiteful, and I don't know how to tackle it, he's twice their size, and almost my size. Dp has chats with him explaining why his behaviour is out of line, but couple of hours later he's doing it again. He's just locked in a mindset of hate.

Would I do it again... Yes, because dp is truly truly lovely. But I'd do it differently, because the first couple of years were spent covering his mums inadequacies, her illness(self inflicted) and her refusal to do anything for him, parties, matches etc.

DH just told me DSD broke something of mine on the weekend. Apparently I'm a massive b$$ because I said I'm sure she will apologies for it. Apparently in our house its OK to break other peoples things and not apologise. Thankfully DSD spends most of her time at her mums and knows better and will say sorry. I have a DH problem as always.

Bananas - how horrible for you.
My kids are away now too but I can't say I miss them -it's not the same for me because they live with me apparently!!!
WTF?? Surely that means I miss them more??
Not that it's a competition or anything!
Now where's that bottle..

Thank you Heavens, Bananas, Princess - Still surviving the summer holidays.

We now have DSS 5 days a week. Not enough for his mother apparently, she wants us to have him an extra day, meaning she only has him for a single day before he's picked up by DP. So much for her fears and concerns about DSS' welfare in our care only a few short weeks ago.

Also still dealing with DSS and his poor eating habits. I presented him with spaghetti bolagnese the other day. His immediate response was "I don't eat that" followed by a complete breakdown and fits of tears. DP sent him to his room, and in there I could hear him punching the bed, and proclaiming that his daddy doesn't love him...

He did eventually come out and tried it, but it's such a struggle I sometimes feel like I don't want to deal with any of it.

All he eats is cucumber, plain bread, green beans and chicken nuggets.

Batboobs that is a lot of time, is your DP around to look after his son? Or does it fall to you? If I were you though, I'd just relax about DSS and his eating.

His diet doesn't sound the worst, and I do remember myself as a step child being presented with food that I'd didn't like by my step dad and told to eat it. At this stage, you are still building up a bit of trust. If I were you I'd cook those green beans and chicken nuggets, bread and cucumber and just serve it up for a while. Your DSS is going through a lot of change, his mother parcelling him off to you for long period of time, a new sibling. It is OK for him to reject food and it is one of the few things he can control.

Please tell me the fcking school fcking holidays will be over soon. Please. Somebody.

I'm in Scotland sorry! They are over thank goodness although we will have a grumpy five year old in Friday as they made them go back on a Monday instead of midweek

Cotr - whereabouts in the country are you? Most areas are at least half way through ... (passes virtual vino) ....

My DSD is brilliant - it's her mother that's the problem. She's not a nice woman and wants to control everything that my DP does with their daughter. They've been split up for a long time and yet she still won't accept that he's allowed to move on with his life (banghead).

I really sometimes wish I didn't do this. Not even because of dsd just all the shit that comes with it

matilda I sooo know what you mean! I'm right there with you.
For me it's the little things sometimes...things that would be so simple if I was a parent rather then step parent. For instance, my dsd keeps using a piece of Tupperware I regularly use to mix her foundation in. It irritates me because I regularly put food in the container. Now if I wasn't stepmum I'd be able to ask her not to use it anymore and it would be finished. But as stepmum I haven't said anything as it would result in an argument and dsd feeling stepmum is unreasonable.
Not DSD's fault. Just one of a million consequences of being a stepmum!

Can't you just ask her not to use it? Since it is in your house she's doing it? Or get her a little glass tub or something to do it in?

My issues were coming from outside ours as apparently school holidays are "nothing to do with me" as I insisted on a 50:50 split between the two this year. Responsible for finding babysitters/taking time off/paying for childcare for their own halves. So rather than be involved the way I was (all 3 of us would discuss things) I have now decided that I will speak to dp and they can have all discussions and this will work both ways. Not my decisions to make ever!