Join me for a second glass of virtual prosecco

[WhoGivesAFlying]

Thought I'd start a new thread as the other is now full. Come and share you SPing problems here, it's a safe place and hopefully some other wise SM can offer advice or just a large drink!

Claudoftherings: thanks for your support . The strange thing is I also have a son who is 6months younger than this one. He went through Uni , got a job and stayed with us for 18momths . Ok his room was a mess and he only did chores when asked but he paid 60 per week into the household without fail and when asked to do something did it without issue. He adhered to the house rules . Not perfect by any means but I could live with it. He has now got a job abroad till Nov . My DH does nothing but pick holes in him. Complaining about small things ( leaving his clothes on the bathroom floor after a shower etc) says he doesn't want him back to live in Nov ( he will be gone again March 2017 and has made sure he has a job to slot back into on his return) but his son who is the one I've discussed is praised cause, in his words, is trying and making progress . I'm yet to see how . Talk about rose tinted glasses

Another rant coming up.

I'm having a c-section on Monday - conveniently the start of the summer holidays! My 2 eldest finish this Friday, DSS finishes tomorrow.

DP wanted to bring DSS here from tomorrow until Saturday. Initially I agreed to it, but I am ridiculously tired, boiling hot, I can't sleep and I already have my own 3 children in the house, including a very whiny toddler and I feel I just can't deal with DSS on top who is a handful himself, the constant fighting and bickering, the extra washing, cooking (DSS eats separate meals) and so on. So, I've put my foot down and asked DP to stay at his (DP's) mum's. I honestly just want to spend the last few days of my pregnancy resting. Cue lots of moaning from DP.

Then we have the summer holiday arrangements. DP would usually have DSS for at least 4 out of 6 weeks. As I'm giving birth, I've asked that he allows me to recover for the first week and then DSS comes over every Friday-Sunday instead, as the baby will still be tiny even at the end of the holidays.

However, DP's ex is just not happy with this change from the status quo! She seems to think that it would be 'best' for us to have him for half the holidays instead and sent DP a silly guilt trip text asking him if he's really happy "not to see his son for 4 weeks" and that the suggested arrangement is not fair on DSS, as he will be left with her mother!

How seeing him every weekend as he does now, equals not seeing him for 4 weeks I do not know. Not to mention, she has no other children and if leaving her son with her own mother is that bad, why can't she arrange something else! She doesn't even work a paid job, she's become a self made 'stylist' - it's ridiculous.

Then interfering MIL wants to know the same. Why can't we have DSS for the full holiday, and apparently if we can't then she will. This is a woman with so many health issues that she needs a bloody carer, how on earth does she think she'll be able to look after a defiant 6 year old on her own. She had him for a day once and was calling DP every half an hour, what a joke.

I half want to scream, and half want to kick DP out of my home for good and just get on with it. Virtually all the preparations for this baby have been done by myself, we haven't even put the cot up and yet DP seems more concerned about buying DSS a pair of sports shoes, because apparently DSS's mother - who he lives with full time - cannot. I am starting to feel like a nanny and not a mother/partner.

I'm more than ready to collect my evil stepmother of the year award and a double shot of Malibu and coke with it.

Bats, contact during late pregnancy and in the fist couple of weeks with a newborn is a very sensitive subject on this board.

I totally understand why you want to minimise work and ration energy at these times but... it might be one of those things that just has to happen to keep the peace (and for all sorts of other reasons including, of course, DSS not feeling pushed out by new baby).

Can your DP do all the running around for his son? Why does he have separate meals? Unless it's allergy-related, is there any chance of knocking this on the head?

Why is DP's summer holiday time four of the six weeks? Is that because DSS's mum did more holidays at Easter etc? Would three weeks be a reasonable compromise? Is there anyone else who could help? DP's mum?

Bats. The children do have TWO parents. Do what I do when my DH lands me with my DSS. Just say "That's fine but you will have to look after him and the other children as I will have my hands full with the newborn and recovering from the C Section. You can cook and clean and amuse them. Believe me they are not so keen to have them then.

You can cook and clean and amuse them.

Absolutely. And they should be doing that anyway, not just when their wife/partner is indisposed.

Meridian and Princess - *
*
Thank you, I think you are both right, that is the approach I have to take. Just leaving him to it instead, rather than being left to do everything myself. I really don't want to exclude DSS, I'm happy when he's here, I just want to be able to relax more than anything.

I think I am feeling overwhelmed because on a typical day I do everything. I cook DP's dinner, the kid's breakfast/lunch/dinner, load the washing machine, washing up, put clothes away, hoovering etc.
It's not always this way as DP will do things, but he seems to be oblivious to mess. The house has to be a complete state (or I have to moan) before he acts. Because of this I prefer to just get on with things and do it myself.

DSS has different meals because he will only eat a handful of very bland food, no sauces, no butter, no meats...it's a pain. And very often he will refuse food he has eaten before, and 'accidentally' knock over his plate or start retching etc. Only in the last couple of months I have raised this as a serious issue with DP. We've set up a reward system, but it's been hard and so far little progress has been made. He is tiny for his age (6 and still wearing some 3-4 clothes for example) and I did ask DP to talk about it with his ex, but as usual on her side there is 'no problem'. At times he will go for an entire day only having has 2 slices of plain white bread.

And DP has always taken DSS for the bulk of the summer holidays or any other holiday. There has never been a reason for it, other than the ex asking and DP agreeing to it. If it wasn't for the baby I would be OK with things, but as has already been mentioned, DSS has two parents and I've never really understood why the ex continues to emotionally blackmail DP accusing him of 'not wanting' his own child, when that is the attitude she seems to have herself. My mum works full time running a care home, and MIL seriously struggles with DSS and her own health, so other than the odd day or two I don't think she can help.

Suggest a list/schedule of jobs that need doing for DP. Don't wait for him to spot things or you will go mad! Explain it's temporaray even if it's not! and include everything his son needs. Then try, try, try to tune out what doesn't get done and certainly ignore when/if any of it is not done in the way you would do it. I struggle with this myself and don't have your current pressures!

I don't have any experience on the food problem - it sounds like DSS/DP would benefit from specialist help.

If you and DP are happy taking DSS for more than 50% of all holidays then great. But if you are not - or if there is no flexibility - then DP needs to address this and ignore the nonsense about 'not wanting him'.

So we have escaped on our two week summer holiday! First time I've even been on the Internet and first moment I've had to myself. The parent in laws arrived this morning as a surprise and I'm so chilled out I'm not fussed. Just hoping it stays that way and they don't try to be with us every minute of their week here!! Exactly what I was escaping from.

Bat I think you really do have to just let dp organise the kids and take the time to relax and recover with you and new baby. Let him do it and see how he copes. And good luck! Although I know this is easier said than done

Rant elert!

My DH works away all week, he's 2 hrs away by car and I don't drive. We have a 3yr old . On the Friday he has the kids he leaves early to get them.

This weekend we don't have the dsc and he's doing a normal day so won't be home till late and has sad he's also working tomorrow on site (local)

Aibu to be pissed off that it seems ok to go into our sons time for work but not the dsc's? This is the kind of crap that causes resentment. Also, I've not seen anyone all week and really need a break too....I have no family to help out.

Ps....this isn't a one off, I could swallow that. And use, I'll admit I'm jealous of the Ex's child free time....it seems she never has them. Her parents/friends/sister and my sil have them a lot! I feel like being single just to have a child free weekend eow

*and yes

I'm on the gin...things have been so much better with dsd, I haven't found her preteen hormonal moods and strops an issue I feel for her HOWEVER..my issue is the constant back chat and the over use of towels!

For instance, dsd wanted a bath, no problem washed her hair etc I put out 2 clean towels for hair and body all ok, she slung them in a heap and I asked her to put them on the rail so they'll be dry for the morning. She didn't and so the next morning she used another clean towel then added that to the other 2 still damp ones.

This has been going on for ages both dh and I have spoken to her about it but she's clearly not arsed. I know you need to pick your battles etc but this really pisses me off.

Tempted to take the towels out of the bathroom so she'll have to use the clean one from the night before...and breathe!

Get a hair towle from primark. Then when you give her that and her body towle tell her that's all she's getting...and if it's screwed up and wet tough....how else are you meant to make a point? I'd do that with my own DC.

Batboobs I think meridians suggestion of a list for your DH is actually a good one if he insists on having his DS with you for so much of the school holidays. You shld be able to have time to recover with your new born while he takes care of the other kids.

Matilda how is the holiday going? This is your first trip away with DSD right? Hope you are all having a great time.

Whogives I'd be annoyed by that too. Does your DH at least spend some quality time with your DS on the weekends he has his other DCs around? I hope he makes it up to you both on sunday and doesn't do the whole oh I'm so tired now I just want a day all to myself thing.

LazySusan I like whogives idea of the one towel for each and if the are wet when she needs them the next day too bad. She will hopefully learn faster that way. I'd probably be mean enough to accidentally remove the rest of the towel pile to somewhere she doesn't know about in order to ensure no more are used. I'm also like you very much into pick my battles. Thankfully DSD is still young enough that we haven't got to this one.

Somehow things in my house have been going really well. DH is only drinking a beer or two when he does have one. DSD is lovely we had two weeks school holidays here and her and I had two days alone together plus our usual nights and weekend which went great. I've finally taught her to ride her bike with out training wheels and am super proud.
She is a totally different story at her mothers house though as two weeks after DSD started school her mum had a baby. From what we have heard DSD is now an expert at yelling hitting, biting, screaming, kicking, throwing things and even peeing all over the lawn and her bedroom and hallway on purpose. Thank god she is saving all that for her mum and brings the angel child to our house.

Holiday is going surprisingly well. Had one child free night with too much alcohol and we had a little argument but all is fine now but have been a little wary of the alcohol for a bit dsd is doing great mostly only occasional moodiness to be expected with so much sunshine etc. And the in laws go home before us so we get another few days to ourselves so glad you and dsd are getting along! It's often like that with ours too that she's mostly fine with us and hell with her mum. Saying that she does have her weekends where she drives us mad too!

WhoGives. That is definitely out of order. My DP does the same - refuses overtime on kid weekends but happily takes it when its just us! It used to piss me off but now I let it go. I'd be angry if we had a child together though and he left me for that long!
Matilda - OMG I would go batshit loopy if my inlaws crashed our holiday!!! You have the patience of a saint!
I've not been on here for a while - what's with the new phase of MIL vs Stepmum threads??? It's like two of MN's most hated fighting in a dual!!

It isn't my ideal situation however at least they only booked for one week! Just going with it and realising that dsd has really enjoyed having them here lol.

I think if your dp won't do overtime on his kids weekends both weekends should be treated the same. Hardly fair for yours to never have any family time with you and dad. But this is before I have kids and dp sometimes does overtime and we have dsd every weekend so he'd probably do it and I'd look after them

MIL on holiday? Hope you get on. If my MIL,SIL,DH and myself were on holiday together it would rival a WWE wrestling match . We would be tag teaming.

Mil and fil surprised us here a few days after we arrived! Was looking forward to a break from his full family but at least they're the least offensive and didn't bring his ex as that wouldn't have surprised me

It feel like I can't remember a weekend that we didn't argue in some way. I'm starting I enjoy the weekdays as he's away. Even if we are not arguing he doesn't show love. The last time the dsc were here he was laying in the sofa and I went to hug him and he pushed me away and said it was too hot. When I looked over next my dsd was laying next to him both squashed onto a little sofa. When I pointed this out to him he could see it but I doubt he will change. He says he loves me but I don't see or feel it. I just feel like a housekeeper/ PA. I'm at a loss as to what to do now. Sorry, this isn't really a SP issue,

Whogives - have a
Sounds like you need it

definitely some of this! And I'm on holiday so the time never matters

Thanks ladies :)

How's everyone's summer holidays going? Dsd is being quite challenging at present pushing boundaries. She's 12 and now has ridiculously long acrylic nails for the duration of summer. Her attitude stinks she's been in trouble with both dh and dsd mum most days so I was very surprised to see her mum had agreed to the talons.

Am I out of touch thinking wtf is a 12 yr old doing with acrylic nails?! Also her Instagram account is quite shocking dh is ready to shut it down. Inappropriate language between her and others, photos the list goes on!

How's everyone's summer holidays going? Dsd is being quite challenging at present pushing boundaries. She's 12 and now has ridiculously long acrylic nails for the duration of summer. Her attitude stinks she's been in trouble with both dh and dsd mum most days so I was very surprised to see her mum had agreed to the talons.

Am I out of touch thinking wtf is a 12 yr old doing with acrylic nails?! Also her Instagram account is quite shocking dh is ready to shut it down. Inappropriate language between her and others, photos the list goes on!