Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

You should leave, this boy will not become less clingy or needy any time in the next ten years. His dad is all he has so of course he has to plan everything around him.

Your partner is telling you this won't change when he says you knew the situation.

I wouldn't spend your life waiting for a change that won't happen.

Sorry, that came out much harsher than I meant it, I really should proof read. I guess I just mean you can't spend your life waiting for something which is out of your control, it's not fair on any of you.

Do you want children? Because if you do, your stepson won't go anywhere then either. He would be there 100% of the time.

No offense taken at all! I guess I'm just hanging on hoping that as he gets older, he will become more self-sufficient and more independent and it won't be such a drain. It's so exhausting for me right now, work all day, pick him up after work, feed him, entertain him, bathe him, put him to bed all by myself because dad is at work. I also work every other weekend, so the 2 weekends a month that I am off and actually get to spend time with my fiance, the boy is there demanding constant attention. I never get a break from the kid!!

Ah you started off so well then it became apparent how you really felt.

Please go now and do this kid a favour. It won't get better it will get harder. He will resent you because he will be able to tell how you feel, you will resent him, you both will resent DP because he is not helping the situation. It don't be a happy home.

I feel sorry for the lad.

I can absolutely understand how you feel. It's lovely to think it would all be rose-tinged and happy, but the reality is you are coming home from work to do another 'job' with a child you haven't bonded with. I think your boyfriend is very, very unfair and unreasonable, both to you and to his son. How dare he just treat you as childcare for his child? Who would be looking after his son if you weren't there? He should change his hours to daytime and take over most of the care in the evenings.

In the end, though, if you don't want the boy around, you really should leave and find a partner without a child. It's not fair on anyone to stay in these circumstances.

Wow, your situation is almost identical to mine. I met my DH when his ds was 3, mother had passed away when ds was a baby. No help from his family, some help from mine.

22 years later ds is now a young man; we get along well, he's always called me Mum. It's not always been an easy road (no different to other families?). DH and I also have a dd together (half sister to ds).

The reality is OP, you will become the mother - full time. It is a HUGE commitment and will change your life forever - you have to be willing to accept that. You may also find it rewarding, hopefully. However your DP needs to understand this huge undertaking by you - he cannot just pass the buck and expect you to take over the majority of the child care (this can happen gradually, in my experience). He must be supportive and understanding so it will work for everyone.

You will not get much 'couple time' so you need babysitters so you can spend time together without ds occasionally.

Do you want to have children of your own? I felt I needed this to 'complete' our family, and to feel like a 'real mum' which is why I wanted my own dc.

It's a huge decision OP. I feel for you, but you need to decide if you can commit to family life 100% and ensure that your DP appreciates the sacrifices you will make.

Feel free to PM me...

Good luck x

Well yes, if you think this man is "the one" then stick it out because basically parenting is this way. Even my own child makes me feel all these things! Once the child is older it will be easier.

I don't feel that there are may women who would deal with your situation any better than you are. I guess it's a case of weighing up how much you want the relationship?

What did he do for childcare before you moved in together?

It does seem very unfair that you are doing all the childcare. Being a step parent is hard enough when you get the kid going away EOW and not being the main carer.

You need to talk. He should have asked you if you want to be the main carer and agreed on the process. He needs to know how you feel and that you are not happy.

You may find that you get closer to your DSS, maybe the frustration and tiredness is getting in the way now.

So if you walk, what does he do about child care then? I can empathise with your feelings of not truly wanting this child in your life, and you must feel very resentful towards your fiancé for putting all the hard work on you, it is selfish of him to refuse to try for more family friendly hours! But, as he said he did warn you and personally, I doubt you will ever feel more for this poor child...and it's sooo not his fault! If your fiancé won't bend on this, sadly you might want to seriously consider whether this is the right future for you!

I feel really really sorry for the little lad!
So his mam passed away, his dad doesn't see him in the week and his step mum wishes him not there.
Yes children "demand attention", and become clingy they also need planning around.

I think you should leave like others have said. Its unfair of your fiancé to put such responsibility on you.
BUT i feel sorry for the kid not you because he will pick up on the resentment and he deserves not to be wished away.
Also you don't sound happy.

I really don't think it will get easier. I don't think it's unusual to struggle to bond with stepchildren. I know that I feel guilty sometimes when I can't feel that love - but at least I can comfort myself that my dsd has two loving and present parents so is not lacking. Your ss to be has a dead mum & a father who's never around - I'm afraid I also feel really sorry for him! Your fiancé is being desperately unfair on his son & on you to land you with majority childcare. I'm not sure this relationship can make anyone happy in the long term. If you go, your fiancé would have to change his hours! Does he think he's found himself a nanny to marry?

Your life sounds tough. I think would be so much easier if your dp was around in the evenings to help. Why won't he work day shifts?

Your DP needs to step up and start looking after his own son. You sound like a glorified nanny and I'm not surprised you're finding it hard. Small children are exhausting and demanding, even when they're your own much loved offspring.

I think you need to have a stern chat with your DP, for everyone's sake, but especially for this little boy's sake. He is going to feel desperately unloved and unwanted as he becomes more aware of your resentment. Your resentment is understandable btw - your DP is creating this situation by asking way too much of you.

I don't think it's going to get much easier either I'm afraid OP.

I've been in my DSD's life since she was tiny and honestly I can't say I've ever felt any deep love for her, despite me being on my own with her very often over the years due to my DH's working hours. I've done all the things for my DSD that I've done for my own children but always because I had to and not because I wanted to. I do care about her and I care very much about what happens to her but I don't love her and looking after her is mostly a chore.

Fortunately for me my DSD's mother is alive and kicking so I tell myself I don't need to love her as she has two parents of her own to do that.

In your situation, you're going to have the world expecting you love him 'like your own'. Your DP, his family and most importantly the little boy himself.

There's no shame in not being able to love him. The fact that you're able to be honest about that face speaks volumes about what a decent person you are imo.

If you can, I'd seriously think about leaving. I suspect that is probably going to be extremely difficult for you to do though.

Definitely a theme developing here! Leaving is probably the best thing for you...but I suspect that would be sooo very difficult in reality! I'm sorry, but I think you either leave (huge heartache) or you stick with it and hope things get easier as the child grows (huge hardship), only you know!

When does the boy's father spend any one on one time with him? Your dp is his parent so when is he there to do it.

Op you sound tires. When do you have the opportunity to pop out in the evening, go to the gym or just do your own thing? You are not the little boy's mother and should not have to default to the wife work because his father cannot be bothered to alter his life.

For those saying op should leave for the child's sake. If the genders were reversed and a widowed mother had a new partner and very young child and opted to work such that she only saw the child on the weekends with the new partner present . The mn response would not be for the new partner to leave but for the mother to behave like the primary carer and sole individual responsible for her child and stop utilising her dp who is also working full time for free child care through emotional black mail.

I think you need to have the freedom to enjoy your dss as a new partner not as his unpaid nanny. Working full time and having sole care of child Monday to Friday is hard work when it is your child it is unacceptable when it is someone else's child who is choosing to absent himself. If op left dp would have to change work patterns!

So your DH sleeps all day whilst his DS is in daycare and then goes to work all night and you look after him?

I am not surprised that you feel the way you do, I found being a mom to a lo exhausting and hard work, especially working as well.

I don't ever buy into the "you knew what you were getting into" crap. People moan all the time about their own kids and I have never ever heard anyone say, well you knew what yo were getting into. NO YOU DON'T, until you have lived a situation you are only going by facts and preconceptions of what this means. I knew one day my DS would be a teenager but I had no idea what that really means.

You may feel better if you had some me time and some couple time.

What time does your DH work? Could he not take DSS to daycare when he gets home? This way a least you would get a bit of you time getting ready for work and going to work. What time does he leave for work? Could he not bathe or put DS to bed some nights? Working nights does not veto his responsibilities to this little lad.

Insist on a babysitter even if it is only for a couple of hours every fortnight or something, that is what a lot of couples with a child do.

You are so worried about your feelings or lack of for this little one but the fact that it worries you so much means you do care but you need to be firm with your DH.

I agree with sanity

I cannot believe that anyone thinks that this situation is normal and the op should suck it up or get lost.

In a together family the first response would be for dp to step up and help and/or buy in help with additional childcare.

In what world does having a relationship with a man with children mean that you lose the need for down time, and not even couple time, just bog standard you time.

All stress and anxiety towards the dsc you feel even fleetingly is evidence of your own short comings. No need for the dp to actually parent his child or even consider his dp feelings. For goodness sake this man child is sleeping all day while his fiance is raising his child!!!
But let's just kick the female partner. Go the sisterhood!

I also think Sanity puts it very well. Fade- you sound amazing. Please don't be too hard on yourself. I have 3 biological sons and regardless of how much I love them, and how bonded we are, it's bloody hard work! I work part time shifts, including weekends, my DH works Monday - Friday 9-5. We have very very little time as a couple. Obviously I don't regret having my boys but I certainly wasn't prepared for how exhausting / relentless it can be. Is anyone? You've be parachuted into parenthood and I think anyone would find this hard. Is your partner helpful and supportive? Do you know that he truly loves, values and respects you? If he does then he needs to help you with your feelings and your relationship with his son. Do you get any down time? Do you have any friends with children of a similar age? Do you get to do any fun things with the little boy? I wonder if any of that might help? I'm sorry for waffling!

And YY to whodrankmycoffee why is it always the woman who gets criticised? If anything respect to Fade for worrying so much that she's posting on a parenting site for advice and support!!