Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

She is struggling and needs help and if I am correct your response is toughen up and don't talk back.

And you read that where in my posts??

I never said her DP was in the right to refuse to discuss it but my point is that the OP needs to take responsibility for this situation too. She was never going to be just a step mother and she was naive to think that. She has agreed to marry this man but she doesn't actually care for his son and finds him needy and resents the fact that he is always there. That will not change once she marries him. So she has responsibility to the state of things too it is not just all the DP's fault as a few have made out.

Trying to blame one or the other is a waste of time. In the end, it is true that OP knew what she was taking on and agreed to it. She could have walked away. It is also true that despite how she feels, she said 'yes' to her partner when he asked her to marry him. So I can understand how it might leave him in a confuse state when OP suddenly starts complaining of the situation and expect him to do something about it.

At the same time, it is unfair to have expected OP to know exactly what she was getting herself in. The idea of becoming a second mum to the cute child of the man we've fallen in love with is totally different to the every day reality. It's enough a shock to become a mother when you are expecting your own (biologically or adopted), let alone when deep inside, it is not a situation you would have chosen if you could change history.

The problem is that I get the feeling that now that OP knows how she feels, now that she has her partner committed to her, she seems to expect that he should suddenly change what has been the status quo for some time to suit her.

There should be some compromising taking place, maybe her partner could do more and not rely so much on her, but I get the feeling that the issue is deeper than this and that if her partner did spend more time with his son so she was less involved, she would still resent him for not giving her enough attention.

It really isn't easy to start a life with a single parent of a young child and just not for everyone.

There should be some compromising taking place, maybe her partner could do more and not rely so much on her, but I get the feeling that the issue is deeper than this and that if her partner did spend more time with his son so she was less involved, she would still resent him for not giving her enough attention.

I couldn't agree more.

I do not think the DP is wrong to assume his soon to be wife will play mum to his child.

Actually I do think he is wrong, when I got married I became "dad's wife". I had no intention of being some kind of stand-in mum only needed when their own mum wasn't there.

I appreciate in OP's case the mum has sadly passed on but that just means the DP has to start from the position of sorting everything himself, or negotiate a fair division that works for them as a whole family, not just assume that the OP just has to suck up everything he demands of her.

It is a different situation completely Snoozy so I don't really see the point of your post?

Given how young the child was and the fact that the DP waited 2 years to date and has only dated the OP it would be silly to think he wasn't looking for a mother for his son as well as a wife. The OP does not have to suck it up. She can walk away. She states in her opening line that he is a wonderful man so I doubt very much he is the lazy shit everyone seems to have painted him.

I am blaming the dp for the current situation of op being on the verge of leaving
I blame them both for not discussing life post moving in. But I think that is an error that is universal when in the early throes of love.

Buying strongly feel that refusing to discuss something as basic as the care of your child is completely unacceptable and controlling. Op may well still be unhappy if there are changes made she might feel much better with a bit more time for herself. I don't know.

I do know her dp will not discuss it with her and blames her difficulties on her alone. Why won't he talk to her, I just think that is such terrible behaviour

What reason is there to refuse to talk to your future wife?

If she is good enough to mother your child and run your household why not talk to her and ask her opinion.

I do know her dp will not discuss it with her and blames her difficulties on her alone.

You KNOw this do you?? Really??

How do we know that he hasn't discussed it time and time again but cannot give the OP the answer that she wants? Which I believe is she only wants the child their part time.

And it's not just lack of time to herself that is pissing her off is it.........so the 2 weekends a month that I am off and actually get to spend time with my fiance, the boy is there demanding constant attention.

Crikey I really feel for some of these kids.

This child has never known his mother. The OP is the only mother he has ever known so actually she is not replacing anyone. Given how young he was is it really wrong for the DP to assume the women he asks to be his wife will be a mum to his child?

Because flossy I am assuming her entire op is true not just parts

I cannot quote easily on my phone but op said that her dp says you knew what you were getting into when she tries to raise these issues

You can read into the ops intention what you like. I am saying on the basis of the op she needs to talk to her dp. If he still refuses to talk she should leave because yes I believe that is evidence of a controlling nature and disregard for op as an adult and almost wife.

If you think op is lying about her dp then obviously she should leave immediately because he is a wonderful father and partner and she just can't hack it.

I am trying to offer the op some solutions in terms of salvaging this relationship. It may be beyond saving. I don't know

Why is it completely different flossy? The DP is the parent, OP is in a romantic relationship with him, why is the OP also required to have parental responsibilities unless she wants to?

We very rarely see the same expectations made of stepfathers, it's just because we're women that we're expected to be maternal. All the stepfathers I know of provide emotional support to the mothers plus the odd favour e.g. occasional school run, a little shopping, but in practical terms overall the household tends to be run the same as if the stepdad wasn't there. I've never seen a case of the stepdad doing lots of child-related chores and stuff every single day in the same way you see step mums doing. Before anyone shoots me down yes I know there will be exceptions, just relating what I myself have seen/experienced/read about. The OP sounds like she'd suit more of a stepdad level of involvement but I doubt this particular situation would be the right set-up for her (or them).

I don't think she is lying but you seem to want to only take parts of her OP. You have completely missed the bit where she says he is a wonderful man and you have labelled him lazy, uncaring, bad parent, controlling and a bad partner. WOW thats of assumptions Who

You only need to go the the Relationships board to see how many "wonderful" men are all talk and no action. He can't be so wonderful if he dismisses the OP outright with a "you knew what you were getting into".

Because snoozy your SDC still have their mum and they do not live with their father full time. The OP's situation is completely different given that the child has never known his mother and lives with dad full time.

I didn't say he was wonderful the OP did.

Yes I have said he is lazy controlling and a bad partner and an uninvolved parent but not uncaring. I am sure he cares but I dong think he realises that his son is about to lose the only mother he has ever known and that he will lose his partner. If he was uncaring it wouldn't bother him

He clearly wants this lovely ending for himself and his son. So far so good
But he is controlling and a bad partner because he just cannot fathom that op as his future wife can question to the status quo. That is the part I have massive issues with. And the reason I keep highlighting that point is because it is a red flag. If we ignore for a moment that the conversation is about his son. This is not the bedrock of a happy marriage where one partner will not discuss or listen to the other.

And ultimately this is the ops thread and I think it is important that she understand exactly what the implications are for her status in the marriage if she ploughs ahead and Is unable to talk to dp

flossy how many times do we read about the NRP (usually the man) completely disappearing from their DC's lives? Does that therefore mean that any subsequent partner the RP has must take on full parental duties so the DC don't miss out?

Whilst it is very sad that this little boy's mother died the OP is not his mother and is under no moral obligation to be.

I think that being so honest with yourself is a very good start OP. And very brave.

And I think berating the op about stepping up and being a proper mother to this little boy is allowing the dp less than lovely behaviour to be overlooked. even if op loved dss with all her heart that still wouldn't earn her the right to question her dp based on how he is described

And the reason I keep highlighting that point is because it is a red flag

I think the red flag also waves in the OP's direction. She has clearly stated she could not careless about the child. Personally I think her future husband needs to know this. So instead of asking him to talk about the situation and how HE can change it maybe the OP should start by saying "I do not care about your son".

And I have never said she should be his mother but given the circumstances that is exactly how the little boy will see her. What I have said is that she should walk away if she cannot fully commit to this child.

Can you all for one moment try and imagine what life will be like for this 4 year old boy if the only women he has ever known as his mum becomes detached from him? Because that is what you are all saying she must do. This is not the normal stepfamily situation so the normal "detach OP let their father parent" which is trotted out just will not work and that poor little boy will be the one that is greatly affected by it.

Can you all for one moment try and imagine what life will be like for this 4 year old boy if the only women he has ever known as his mum becomes detached from him?

Floss is right. This is by far the most important thing.

Again flossy there are lots of shades of grey for step parenting and the relationship can evolve.

Yes I agree she needs to say she doesn't love the boy but wants to work on the relationship and carve out a role for herself. We are both agreeing flossy that the dp must give op the space to say these things

And I think berating the op about stepping up

I am not berating her for not stepping up but I do think she is wrong to agree to marry this man when she doesn't care about his child that lives there full time and look to her as a mother figure. She says she is being honest on here well maybe she needs to be more honest with her fiance.