Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

fade I hate to tell you this but from the way you describe your feelings towards this little boy now, it may be many years, if ever, before you start to enjoy his company.

Kids will often stay dependant for as long as their parents will let them get away with it - e.g there are a couple of recent threads where adult DCs in their 20s or older still expect to be waited on and refuse to do chores or contribute financially. I personally found things more frustrating as my DSC got older, it really pissed me off to see an exhausted DH running around after his nearly teen kids getting them juice all throughout the day because they couldn't be bothered to get off the sofa, or DH frantically hunting round the house for DC's shoes 5mins before the school run because they couldn't remember where they'd kicked them off, whilst said DC sat and played on the ipad. I stress this entitled behaviour was DH's fault not the DC's, but I found it very hard to live in that environment (just to clarify there is nothing wrong with doing nice things for your DC but there comes a point where nice becomes doormat).

To be fair your DSS just sounds like a normal 4yo and you seem to have unrealistic, almost adult expectations of him, but if your DP has shown any signs of Disney parenting or overcompensating because the mother is no longer around then your DSS is likely to remain dependant and "whiny" for a good few years yet. It already doesn't bode well that your DP won't do anything that's not child-friendly (except of course change his own working hours because he doesn't enjoy childcare, and anyway childcare is a woman's job isn't it so why bark when you have a dog?)

You still haven't said what your DPs does for you.

Op I can only echo what everyone else is saying. Your dh needs to step up and pull his weight parenting wise. I thought I'd share my experience with this kind of relationship, maybe it will help.

My dps mother died when he was a little boy. His father remarried and his wife became his mother. His father wasn't around very much due to work, he'd be gone for months at a time.

My dp loves his mum (step mum) like no other. I cannot explain the bond they have, it goes beyond a mother and son relationship, it's different, there's more of a mutual respect rather than an unconditional love if that makes sense. The love however is most definitely there.

I don't doubt for one second that this is because of the circumstances they found themselves in. His step mum never chose to have children that were biologically hers.

Maybe you will develop a special bond with your stepson, who knows how long these things can take. I hope you get things sorted.

If this was the other way around, and you were the single mum introducing a new man into the house who didn't or couldn't love your child, people would tell you to dump him and find someone who could find some love in their heart for their child.

If this was your DP posting, I'd say the same to him.

As it's you posting, I'll ask you to please give the boy a chance at a loving home and leave.

And yes I agree with Anna and others you are not a terrible person, far from it. Nothing can prepare you for the reality of step parenting any more than you can pass a driving test just because you've been a passenger in a car and have technically seen how it all works.

I hope your talk with your DP goes well.

thumb I doubt very much that the single mum would just eff off and leave all the hard work to her new man, let alone the new man would accept that.

Credit where credit's due that the OP has clearly put in a lot of work to care for this boy. She'd probably warm to him a lot more if his care wasn't just dumped on her by the DP.

You're right Snoozy and if that did happen then no doubt said hypothetical single mum would be told to sort her priorities out too, as the OP's DP should.

But it still doesn't mean that she should stay, even if her DP does take on some more of the childcare - because she doesn't like the boy.

Sorry, that may be over-inference - she doesn't have any positive feelings for the boy. Currently I can see that the care-load has created a huge amount of resentment, but when she says "If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever." then I think that frankly, he'd be better off without her in his life. :(

I really do think OP that you need to have as frank a discussion with your DP as you've had on here. He should know your levels of resentment, both to himself and to his son.

Some of you seem to think the expectation of me being a "mommy" to this boy was implied when I started dating a single dad. I just don't agree with that. The fact that the bio mother is dead doesn't require me to fill her shoes. Those shoes are forever empty - my shoes are of step-parent. Not replacement mother.
You started dating a father of a young child who worked long and unusual hours, looked almost solely by his grand mother. During these early months, it was decided that the grandmother should get out of the house conveniently. Was that when you moved in or shorly before/afterwards? In this scenario, how did you not conceive that you would take on that role when it became so obvious? Wasn't there a discussion about you taking on that full-time role when grandma was told to go? Is it a case that you were so in love that you refuse to see what the reality would be, or is that you did believe that playing happy families would be much more fun than it turned out to be?

Does he intrinsically "deserve" a mother who cares for and loves him as her own? Maybe. But he doesn't have one, that's just the hand he was dealt.

My ex mother left him and his two brothers when he was only 6 months old, leaving their dad to care for them. He had to work to support his family so employed a babysitter to look after them when his mum wasn't. He fell in love with the babysitter and the babysitter moved in after a couple of year. At 20, she took on three children who were not her own. Did she think 'tough, I'm here for your dad, I'll only do what I have to do with you guys because I'm only a step-mother'? No, she knew very well that my moving in with a working man and three young children that she was taking them on too. They never called her mum as they wanted to respect the fact that they did have a mum already, but she certainly acted like their mother all through their years and she loves them just as much as the daughter she subsequently had.

I don't have the "love" feeling in my heart for him they way a natural parent would. And that's fine, but there is a fair middle, one where you still care deeply for the child, would miss him much if he was away for a week, get angry if he was hurt by someone else which would make you a caring step-parent. From what you describe, you don't come across as if you even care much for that child and just see him as a burden.

I do feel for you but I think you've been a bit naive with the whole situation and continue to be so. If you think that the way you describe your relationship with this child, things are going to get better, you are most likely in for a shock. Wait until the kid is a young teenager, has worked out that you just tolerate him, and would be happier if he wasn't there, and as a punishment, play you against his dad? Wait until you try to discipline him and throws at you that you are not his mum and you can't tell him what to do? You'll look back and think that looking after him when he was 4 was a doodle.

You clearly adore your fiance and think that this should prevail everything else. It doesn't though. There is only so long you can be happy together pretending that the child is not a problem.

If this was the other way around, and you were the single mum introducing a new man into the house who didn't or couldn't love your child, people would tell you to dump him and find someone who could find some love in their heart for their child

I totally agree with that. When I became a single mum and my children were my world, I made a pact to them that however much I wanted to experience love again, this would never be more important than the happiness of my children.

I never looked for a father to my children, in my case, they had one and although not the best, he was their father. Despite that, if the man I fell madly in love with and I knew was THE ONE had written about my kids what you've written about this boy, I would have been devastated and would have seriously considered ending the relationship however painful it would have been. You can't force your partner to love your children, certainly not as you would yours, but the resentment towards that boy that comes out of your post is already evident, and that's when he is still a cute typical boy. I don't think I could be happy with a partner who I knew resented my kids and deep inside which they didn't exist, that's on the basis that I am the resident parent and so all share the same household for the vast majority of the time.

OP in your initial post you say your DP is unable/unwilling to change his shifts. Do you feel you are being used as wrap around child care?

I feel so sorry for this child. Yes, the OP is finding this hard but it is a life she has chosen. She can leave at any point given it is harder than she expected and doesn't like it. He child has no choice. I feel sad there seems to be little thought to a small child's well being with only a few posters expressing concern for him. It's mostly about how wonderful the OP is being. I don't see it. She is looking after the child under protest, has barely a kind word for him and zero understanding of what he has been through and will always miss. Just because his mother died when he was a baby and doesn't recall her doesn't mean as he gets older he won't start to understand what he has missed out on. Knowing someone he thought was a mother figure doesn't love him or want him around has the potential to well and truly mess up his head.

OP, if you really do love your fiancé you need to be 100% honest with him and be prepared for him splitting up with you. Your desire to be with him comes after this little boys need for a mum who will love him.

He needs to work days and look after his own child. He needs to be the main care giver, not you. Its not fair on you or the boy at all. I don't understand why he is only a weekend dad and treating you like unpaid childcare when he himself could be there for his DC? Him being with his child is worth some financial sacrifice. It's like he thinks your time is less precious then his

In your shoes I'd explain that you expect him to change his shifts in April (or May) as you will stop being the main carer at that point. I'd move out in order to let him establish a better set up if he was insistent on keeping things the same. I'd force the issue. He would change if he cared for both your needs enough.

Does your DH care about your happiness or the level of care the DC receives? The child should be having a much richer parental experience

give the boy a chance at a loving home and leave.

Absolutely.

I don't think you are a terrible person OP and I don't think your DP is using you.

I think your initial compliance/agreeance to take over the role of "mother" from the grandmother has contributed to your DP believing you are happy to play mum. You probably didn't realise what you were letting yourself in for and were in the beginning wanting to please the man you loved hence you quietly accepted the role left by missing mum/grandma. You have been dating for 2 years and your DP rightly or wrongly has assumed you are fully aware of his working pattern/his child care issues/his child so probably cannot now understand your reluctance to play mum.

I stand by what I said in the beginning, I don't think you will be happy even if your DP changes shifts and is home to play the primary carer role as you make it clear that the boys full time presence and full time care needs/attention requirements from dad annoy/make you unhappy. You want a part time step child and that is not going to happen.

I don't know if you will ever grow to love the little boy personally I find it easier to love a 4 year old, cute and say the funniest things, than a gobby 12 yo, stroppy and disrespectful, so I don't think it will get any easier for you.

You do need to be honest with your DP about how you feel. He currently believes the women he loves also loves and cares for his child because that is the impression YOU have given. He deserves to know the truth so that he can decide what is best for his son.

The nicest thing the OP has said about this poor child is that he isn't a terrible kid. That's it. I would be surprised if he hasn't picked up on how little she cares.

Personally, I just want to give him a big hug.

Step fathers are not expected to love their dsc .
Step fathers are not expected to provide wrap around care whilst working full time whilst their dsc mother chooses to be absent because she prefers working nights
Step fathers are not expected to obey mutely their dp in all matters and if they dare to question tolc they should leave the relationship
Step fathers are not told it is their duty to assume the role of the absent father and anything less is emotional abuse and evidence to f their selfish immaturity
Step fathers are not told that hoping for couple time in a household which is not skint with just one child is selfish
A parent is irreplaceable this little boy can only have his father + paid care/sm

There is no other option and his father needs to face this reality and recognise he can not magic up a sahm so he can pursue the lifestyle that he wants and feels entitled to.Does anyone genuinely think the child wants this set up above all others - ie dad on weekends and female caregiver as default. Therefore I believe this is his fathers preference.

I just don't think the op genuinely doesn't care because if she did she would not ask advice. I think her honesty reflects the effect of the drudgery and the constant emotional control exerted by her dp to force her to continue down this path. Also I know if I didn't care about a four year old I looked after unpaid my resentment would extinguish any love I had for the father in a matter of weeks not years. The ops patience suggest her feelings are milder than written.

Op move out for a month or two and see what happens.

Any step father calling a 4 year old child whiny, dependant,clingy, needy etc without a single positive thing to say about them would be roundly shouted down and told to leave the family alone to find a step father who could care.

I see no difference here.

The ops patience suggest her feelings are milder than written.

I'm sorry but I disagree. The fact that she has not got a single good word to say about the child speaks volumes. The best thing she could find to say was that he isn't terrible.

She doesn't want to be a surrogate mother. Unfortunately, given the circumstances, that is what she needs to be.

It doesn't make her terrible not to want to do this but she needs to leave if she is not prepared to be this boys mother.

The reason I concentrate on the dp rather than the child because this child is fundamentally safe and well and has an advocate in the form of his father and in the case of disaster social services. There is no one to look out for the op apart from op.

I want op to recognise the controlling nature of her dp and how unacceptable it is. Op is entitled to have a voice in this or any other relationship. She is not a mute beast of burden. The fact that this issue is about childcare and wife work does not matter. The attitude of her dp is frightening and looks like some of the complaints raised over on the relationships board. I really think you are sleepwalking into a very unhealthy scary relationship. Don't discount your own feelings to satisfy all the pp suggesting that this little boy is being harmed by your presence. Take the time to think why you feel what you do, what sort of role do you want, what sort of additional care do you need to gain the space to build a real relationship with the boy.

If the op were truly a wicked and awful sm, and given the father had previously used his wholly unsuitable mother for childcare surely the negligent person in the child's live is the one with parental responsibility is you know the father. Seriously if mother used a series of free and unsuitable carers the blame would be with her. How low is the bar for fatherhood that this type of shitty behaviour can be glossed over?
If a paid nanny or biological mother was raising concerns about the burden of care mn would demand she were given a fair hearing by the other parent or employer. Not sm though because they uniquely knew what they were getting into and have a special crystal ball that allows to predict every twist and turn.

owl these are words on a page. There is no indication the op days or acts in them. In fact she specifically says she does not.

No she doesn't want to be a surrogate mother she wants to be a step mother. Nothing wrong with that. Surrogate motherhood is required because that is what the father is demanding. Or are you suggesting that all widowed parents or lone are failing if they use childcare and fail to magic up a surrogate parent.

Sorry these circumstances you mention owl are created and maintained by the boy's father. Again why does he get to choose? If he wants to dictate care and work as he wants he needs to get a nanny and investigate boarding schools. If he wants a wife and partner he needs to give her a voice and listen to it.

This is not Kabul there is nothing revolutionary about listening to your partner.

Who do you think that the OP is also responsible for this situation?

I don't think for one second she was railroaded in to this. I do think the responsibilities were laid out in front of her before she moved in. I cannot believe she was naive enough to think that getting rid of grandma and her moving in would result in her having a part time role and is now surprised to find she has stepped in to grandma's shoes of primary carer. I am in no way saying the DP's refusal to listen or talk to the OP is right but I also don't think he should be the only one beaten with the blame stick.

shouldn't not should

I agree with swing and owl and thumb etc- this is a ridiculous situation that the op has got herself into- she sounds totally unsuited for the task.
Permanently Step parenting a small boy without a mother is totally different from step parenting weekends/holidays/50-50 care for a kid who has a loving mother round the corner.
If dh brought someone in like the op after I died, I would bloody want to reach out from the grave and kill him. That poor kid.