Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

Well the op is the one here- and still seems unable or unwilling to answer why she decided to become primary carer to a boy she has no feelings for- except maybe that she sees it as a women's job.

I would agree that the father is massively failing his child IF and that's a big IF he is aware how OP feels for his child. For all we know, she is letting him believe that everything is ok and that besides some moments feeling fed up, which we loving mothers do certainly feel at time, she is happy with the situation.

If that was the case, and he believed OP actually cared or even loved his son, then would he really be failing by working full-time at nights if he is bringing more money this way. It is a problem because it is a problem for them all because it is a problem for OP.

Maybe OP is torn apart because if she isn't totally honest with her fiance, he is unlikely to radically change his ways so that OP gets to spend little time with his son. If she is totally honest though...well, is she risking him being shocked that she cares so little for that child and possibly him deciding for her that it is better if she goes?

Swing You have echoed my own thoughts.

I suppose that's true swingofthings - if the DF believes the OP is happy with the situation then, why would he change.

But the comments about him being unable or unwilling to change his working hours leads me to think that she may have broached the subject before. Not perhaps telling him that she doesn't love the DS, but simply by wanting him to take on more parental responsibility.

I don't necessarily think it's the OP who sees being the boys primary carer as a woman's job - it's the DF. He drafted in the GM in the first instance then complained about her standards, then comes the OP. Surely it's fairly obvious that as the boy's DF he should be spending some of his time with him during the week.

Rookie, I totally agree with you.

Poor OP, the issue is really with your DP and how he just thinks the daily grind is your job, just because you are a woman.

Your dP sounds like he does not care about your feelings.

It is not fair on the boy, and not fair on you.

Where has the op shown affection for him on this thread? Why do you think she will show it at home when she has not said one nice thing about him.

This isn't some ten year old being pushed on to a dads girlfriend. This is a woman raising a toddler for 1.5 years and has no attachment to him at all. He is not in care, she is not his fucking school teacher. She is his main care giver and nurturer.

She wouldn't miss him if he disappeared. That's nice. You can see how much emotion she has invested in to this inconvienience. Zilch!

What will happen if she has kids with man? Will there be a thread titled ' I just can't love my step son even though I raised him from a baby, like I do my own'?

If she is honestly not capable of trying to love and care for him she needs to get the fuck out if his life. His dad needs a big wake up call too.

If you take a man on with a child with no mother you will automatically given a maternal role. BOTH adults are so indulgant for there own needs. This is just selfishness.

I've never heard so much detached bullshit advice in all my life

I wish I could put into words what I'm thinking. I know I am projecting. No one would understand.

Love your kids everyone. It's all they really need.

I've also seen threads where potential sm didn't like their partners kids and were told to get out now before it's too late. What's different here? Is it that the young boy will never know the difference between someone that actually cares about him and some one that tolerates him?

Ah well at least the op will get her weekend bunk up so it's probably worth it.

Wow, there's some venom on this thread.

OP - you are cold and detached from the boy, at least that's how it comes across. He doesn't deserve it, but you can't help it.

I'm a bio mother and a stepmother, and I find step-parenting a real challenge, much much harder than parenting my own. However - if after all this time, you are still so detached from him, the best you can do is exit the situation, honestly. No good can come of it.

I did mean to say - I care for my stepchildren, but I don't love them. But I really would miss them if they weren't around, and that is what's lacking here.

But the comments about him being unable or unwilling to change his working hours leads me to think that she may have broached the subject before. Not perhaps telling him that she doesn't love the DS, but simply by wanting him to take on more parental responsibility

The problem is that we really don't know what has been said or done. Different scenarios can lead to different positions. If OP's partner said to her 'move in, I'll get rid of MIL but I promise you that you won't have to do all the care, I'll start looking for work during the day so that I can take over in the evenings' that would very different to OP saying that she won't move in until he gets rid of MIL, if he told her that he is concerned that by doing so, she might find it hard to cope with the care because he won't be able to change jobs, and he feels guilty, but she insisted that she would be fine and doesn't want MIL in the way.

As we don't know and I assume never know the circumstances by which OP got in that situation, it is really impossible to tell how unfair her fiance really is.

To my mind though, how fair her fiancé is being is almost irrelevant. Her dislike of the child is what makes me believe she should leave the relationship. That's not a criticism of the OP, just the facts of the matter.

It is not fair on OP that she was "made" the main carer for this child.

I think it is the dad who does not come across well.