Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

I have 3 DC and absolutely love being a mother but if my DP worked shifts that meant he was never around when they were awake I would find it very difficult. What I am trying to say it that even if he were your son you would probably find looking after him all by yourself difficult. I think you need to talk to your DP and sort something out. He can't just say he has to work nights and can never look after his child. That's not how parenting works. I would make sure the new arrangement is in place before marrying him. Marriage is about more than love. It is about starting a shared life with someone. The life that this marriage will bring (the way things are now) does not sound like one you want.

Didn't think most poster were 'kicking' the OP...!

Thank you for all your input. A couple of you have asked the same question(s), so I will address them below:

• Before I was in the picture, the boy's grandmother (his deceased mother's mother) lived with my fiance and took care of him (the boy) while my fiance slept and worked. She is a very unstable and dishonest person and was asked to leave the home for many reasons, including theft. She is no longer welcome in (what is now) our home.
• He is paid better and has more flexibility in working nights. I personally would prefer the slight paycut and have him working days, but it's his decision ultimately.
• My fiance is not a lazy, absent father. He works 50-60 hours per week and has never once asked for or received any kind of financial help for being a single parent. He works 10-12 hours a day and has to sleep during the day. He spends time with his son on weekends.

It's not an excuse, but I don't think he ever had any intention of being a single parent (does anyone?). His first wife wanted to be a SAHM and that was their plan. She died, and he found himself having to take care of the child by himself, which was never in his "plan". His "plan" was to work and provide for the family while she stayed home and raised the kid. So I guess from his end, the desire to be at home with a child all the time doesn't exist for him either, and never really has. I'm struggling because I don't enjoy my life right now. I never wanted to be a SAHM (I'm not, I work 40-50 hours per week) or a full-time parent. With his work schedule, I am basically a single parent during the week to a child who is not mine. Like I said in my original post, I'm not mean to him, I provide what he needs, I just don't enjoy it. If this were my natural child it would still be a brutal schedule, but it would be my own child I was caring for and maybe I wouldn't mind so much? A lot of you have commented that the child "deserves" better than a stepmom who doesn't love him as her own. But does he really? His mother is dead, she's not coming back, and that's a reality he has to face. I know this sounds cold, but I honestly don't feel it's my "job" to compensate for the loss of his mother. I agree it IS my job as stepmother to be fair, reasonable, kind to him and try to establish a positive relationship with him, but I just can't jump on board with it being my "responsibility" to replace his mother just because I am with his father. As someone who never really wanted children, or spent much time around them, I really did have no idea how dependent they were at this age (4). It was ignorance on my part, but I didn't realize that being home with him alone all evening would mean he couldn't entertain himself for at least some of the time and I would have to provide constant attention and entertainment for him (I still don't know if this is normal or not for a 4 year old). He follows me from room to room, talks CONSTANTLY, and needs instruction and direction for every little task. I just didn't realize it. I love his dad, and want to make it work. That's why I said I hope as the boy gets older he is less dependent for entertainment every second he is awake and I can get some time to myself once in awhile! I would think even natural parents feel this way!

My fiance is not a lazy, absent father. He works 50-60 hours per week and has never once asked for or received any kind of financial help for being a single parent.

Well no, that's not quite true is it? Presumably you mean from the State, which might be perfectly true. BUT two women who are not this boy's mother have now stepped in in turn and provided him with extensive amounts of (free?), high-quality childcare for his child that has enabled him to continue to work etc, which is how he has managed to avoid claiming any welfare payments presumably, so that seems an odd thing to assert pride about on his behalf.

Neither of those arrangements have been unproblematic.

He is the parent. He isn't stepping in to do the main parenting. That seems at the heart of this.

His first wife wanted to be a SAHM and that was their plan. She died, and he found himself having to take care of the child by himself, which was never in his "plan". His "plan" was to work and provide for the family while she stayed home and raised the kid. So I guess from his end, the desire to be at home with a child all the time doesn't exist for him either, and never really has.

But things have changed. He's the parent.

A lot of you have commented that the child "deserves" better than a stepmom who doesn't love him as her own. But does he really? His mother is dead, she's not coming back, and that's a reality he has to face. I know this sounds cold, but I honestly don't feel it's my "job" to compensate for the loss of his mother. I agree it IS my job as stepmother to be fair, reasonable, kind to him and try to establish a positive relationship with him, but I just can't jump on board with it being my "responsibility" to replace his mother just because I am with his father.

Yes, he deserves a primary carer that loves him. Absolutely he does.

So rejig things so that the person who loves him is doing the primary care. Then you can step back.

- He is paid better and has more flexibility in working nights. I personally would prefer the slight paycut and have him working days, but it's his decision ultimately.

It's not his decision if it relies on your being the main carer for his son to make this happen.

This is a 'family' decision that you should both agree to. If you don't want to be the main carer then he has to change his hours or get a nanny/find suitable wrap-around care for the hours you are currently covering. I presume the cost of this would outweigh the extra he earns anyway, so the only sensible option is for him to change his working hours.

No reason why you can't still be in a relationship with him and spend some time with both him and his DS at weekends (this is not negotiable so if you can't do this then sadly it's over for you). However, there is not one single reason why you should be expected to compensate for the absence of the child's mother when his own father is prioritising work above spending time with his child 5 days a week.

We all need to earn a living, but as a single parent I have had to find work that fits around my 3 DCs, not choose a job I like, then expect others to pick up the childcare slack for me. I feel guilty asking my DP to spend one evening every few months babysitting my DCs if I'm going out and he's free. There's no way I'd expect him to look after them for me as well as working full time all week. Your DP is taking the piss.

To those who think the DS 'deserves better' - nobody can force a bond that doesn't exist. You are doing all you can by being kind and taking care of him. You don't HAVE to love him so don't feel guilty for that. As someone else said upthread, maybe if you didn't have to do all the wife-work you would feel more warmly towards him and could enjoy some fun times with him. As a step-mum you have to find a role that you are happy with. If you are resentful he will end up losing you at some point as your relationship with his dad won't survive if you are not happy with the set-up.

Agree with arsenic

If this boy has a parent and a step parent who both work FT then the key times he will be in parental care will be from wake up to childcare/school drop off and the afterschool/nursery food, play, bath, bed hours and routine.

If you don't feel genuine warmth for him and don't want to be the primary carer. Then dad should be covering those times, most of the time. It really is that simple, I think.

Op will you ask your dp to do more of the primary caring or pay for additional childcare since this seems to be the core of the issue.

Op, If you would prefer your fiancé to take a pay cut and be around more then that is exactly what you need to tell him.

His mother is dead, she's not coming back, and that's a reality he has to face. I know this sounds cold, but I honestly don't feel it's my "job" to compensate for the loss of his mother
That's absolutely correct, it is not your job, however, it is your fiance's job to ensure that his child is loved and cared for. That child has lost is mum, and now lost the person who took on that role, who might have been 'unstable' but loved and cared for him. He is now cared by you who wishes you didn't and however much you don't treat him badly, you probably inconsciously give him all the vibes that he is a pain and in the way of your happy life with his dad. As for his dad, he seems to think that earning a bit more money is more important than giving that child the attention he so deserves.

Yes, 4 year old can be deeply demanding. My two were like this, constantly after attention, wanting to have conversations all the time, asking zillion questions and just needed constant stimulating. I was a single mum working full-time with no help, so yes, I know oh so well how you are feeling, but I did love them and that love balanced the frustration of having no time for myself and the exhaustion that came with looking after them. Yes, I sometimes showed them these feelings, but that was more than made up by all the shows of love I shared with him. How much of these does this child gets to experience?

So whereas you are doing nothing wrong by the way you are acting, your OP is by letting you be this child main parental figure in his life. The question is whether he is fully aware of how you feel towards his son and closing his eyes to it because it suits him, in which case, I am not sure why you would want to marry him and maybe share a biological child with him, or is a case of you letting your fiance believe that you do love and care for his child because you know that if you were fully honest with him, he would tell you to leave.

Your only responsibility is to be totally honest with your fiance, the rest is for him to decide.

I personally would prefer the slight paycut and have him working days, but it's his decision ultimately.

It's not his decision. He can only work nights because you do the overwhelming majority of the childcare which is making you unhappy. It should be a joint decision and it's clear that the decision should be one in which he does the primary care. Your 'D'H is seriously failing both you and DSS with the current situation.

How long is it since you moved in, OP? If you continue to feel like this I would be seriously thinking about calling it quits, but is it possible you might bond more given time and a more reasonable allocation of childcare?

How long did he put up with his mother doing childcare (despite her being "unstable" and "dishonest"), rather than solving his own problem in some other way? Did he put up with her until things got serious with you? If so... how convenient!

If I were you, I'd be furious about the way he's imposed on you (and has imposed unsuitable carers on his son!), and made it difficult and uncomfortable and guilt-inducing for you to assert yourself!

I was going to make the same point as pluCaChange regarding the boy's grandmother.

OP in light of your update I'd be even more interested to know how your DP shows you that he loves you... it's sounding increasingly like his main motivation is driven not by wanting a romantic partner but by finding someone willing (and crazy!) enough to take on all the parental duties he doesn't want to do himself. Your value in your relationship should be worth much than simply filling the mother-shaped gap in his and his son's life.

You say he "spends time" with his son at weekends - does that mean he takes proper ownership of everything from making the breakfast, doing his son's laundry, cooking meals etc right through to doing the bedtime routine? Or is his style more Disney Dad and you're still expected to take on the grunt work whilst "cool dad" organises the fun stuff?

I never wanted to be a SAHM (I'm not, I work 40-50 hours per week) or a full-time parent

Do you want your own children? If so, you will never be anything other than a 'full time' mother, even if you work full-time as well. You are no less a parent without parental responsibility just because you handed your child to a childminder, nursery or school. With this in mind, how did you think being a step parent would work?

As for his dad, he seems to think that earning a bit more money is more important than giving that child the attention he so deserve
This is unfair. Bills need paying, roof over head, food on table, clothes on back. It can be difficult to walk the balance between 'providing' and 'being there', and it's particularly difficult on your own as sole provider who didn't ever expect to be also sole carer. He may have the wrong balance in your opinion but he may well have felt he had no choice and now his work pattern is a habit he doesn't even realise he perhaps needs to break.

Did you discuss roles and responsibilities with your partner before moving in with him? What his expectations of you in terms of parenting might have been? Did these match your expectations or did you just hope for the best and assume it would all be OK? Has he changed the parameters since moving in together? Does he know how you feel about parenting in general and if you don't want children, does he know that (I ask because it's not clear to me whether you mean you would never want to be a SAHM or a mum at all when you say you never wanted to be a 'full time parent').

For what it's worth, yes, natural parents get fed up with their children too. In fact, I suspect many marriages break down post-children because so much changes in the relationship and some people don't cope well with it (usually men, sometimes women), particularly where there is a need to be more important in the relationship than the child. You have, of course, missed out on child-free time in your relationship and I suspect resentment is to be expected and entirely normal. The key is how you manage it and ultimately, how your partner is going to manage it. The additional key will be communication. Do you think you communicate well? Can you say to him what you have said here without worrying about how he may react? Will he listen and at least consider, even if ultimately he might not agree or are you afraid to tackle it because you know you won't like the answer (which is an 'answer' in itself)?

And with all due respect, you are not 'basically a single parent', but that is probably a whole different thread!

Here here change and snoozy.

This is not about dp struggling to pay the bills. It sounds like he uses the women in his life to fulfil his requirement for unpaid childcare and general wife work. He has the option to work fewer hours and he chooses not to.
It is very sad his wife died and his son has lost his mother. But why is it for the op to not only mother this child to the standards set by her dp but also match the wife work expectations that her dp had agreed with his deceased sahw. whilst holding down her own ft job with no recourse to even discuss it

Tbh I would bet money if op were to leave or step back the dp would find another woman to take up the yoke of unpaid wife work and continue to work the hours he sees fit and see his son on the weekend.

Because that is what the dp wants and needs. Not his son his father.

I'm going to try to talk to him this weekend. I really don't believe he is consciously making me do so much of the childcare for self-serving purposes - I think it's just what he has always seen in his life as "normal" (his mother was a SAHM, his first wife was planning to be, etc) and it isn't anything malevolent.
Some of you seem to think the expectation of me being a "mommy" to this boy was implied when I started dating a single dad. I just don't agree with that. The fact that the bio mother is dead doesn't require me to fill her shoes. Those shoes are forever empty - my shoes are of step-parent. Not replacement mother. Does he intrinsically "deserve" a mother who cares for and loves him as her own? Maybe. But he doesn't have one, that's just the hand he was dealt. How many children are out there with absent fathers, or unknown fathers, or fathers who want nothing to do with them? MANY. Do they "deserve" a dad? Sure they do. But do they have one? No, and I don't see the kind of pressure being put on stepdads to be replacement fathers - so I have to wonder why that is.
I'm not saying I hate this child and wish him gone completely. I KNOW he isn't going anywhere. I just am not dealing very well with the feelings I am having - feelings I don't (or try not to) show to him. I have no problem doing some of the childcare, I know at his age he can't take care of himself. I just needed to vent and tell someone (even if just internet strangers) that I get really tired of it. I don't have the "love" feeling in my heart for him they way a natural parent would.
When I say I'm basically a "single parent" during the week, maybe that isn't fair to true single parents. I'm not completely financially supporting this kid (although I do contribute), but I am all but alone with him 4-5 days a week. It's a huge change for me, going from being single and living in my own home, etc, to sharing a (smaller than the home I had by myself) home with a small child and being alone with him so much. I didn't start off parenting an infant whom I myself carried for 9 months and gave birth to. I started dating a man with a child who (due to our work schedules) I would see maybe 6-7 days a month - gradually more as life allowed, to living with them and having this kid around 24 hours a day - that's a big change and I'm struggling.
I am just trying to find a balance and a way to happily make this relationship work. Yes, the child will be there forever, but he won't be 4 and whiny, dependent, unable to do anything for himself, and a constant in the same room as you all the time presence forever. Eventually he will mature and become a person with his own personality and interests, right? He'll become a person at the dinner table with something to contribute instead of a whiny thing you have to feed, clean up, etc, right?? This sounds terrible, but I don't know another way to phrase it - right now it's like he takes way more out of me than he puts in. He requires exponentially more work and effort than any enjoyment he provides. He can't hold a conversation, he makes little sense when he talks, he throws a LOT of fits - he's basically just a small person around that you have to direct and entertain. I'm just trying to find a way to hold on until he gets older and his care isn't so exhausting!

Some of you seem to think the expectation of me being a "mommy" to this boy was implied when I started dating a single dad. I just don't agree with that.

It sounds as though your DP thinks that.

Fadetogrey you've been catapulted straight into the drudgery of motherhood, and also a life with a man working shifts. My ex was working 12hr shifts when I had dc1 and it was awful, we had to be quiet during the day if he was sleeping and he wasn't around at night when I needed help
He's not your child, my two dc are very full on and quite honestly if they weren't mine I'd have run away by now

I do feel for OP in such complex situation especially where DP is not pulling his weight in parenting the child. However I get the impression that the presence of this 4 year old is resented by OP and therefore I cannot see any happy outcome for any of the involved by remaining in the relationship. Babysitters won't fix this one

Sorry op but research shows that children need to be loved unconditionally to grow into emotionally secure adults. Being that you are essentially the primary carer this IS very important to the emotional wellbeing and development of this child. Children need to be nurtured and feel loved and be told this very regularly. If you are not up to this then his dad really needs to take over as primary carer. This boy deserves much better emotional care than both of you are providing him.

OP did know there was no family support, and her DH working pattern - so he isn't wrong to say "you knew". However knowing and doing are two different things.

The current arrangement is unnecessarily draining and difficult for OP and he needs to take that on board. It is quite wrong for him to be opting out of any parenting - which is how it sounds. He should make the effort to find a solution and take more responsibility.

At the moment it sounds like he feels entitled to decide the domestic arrangements regardless of OPs feelings. It should be a joint decision.

It sounds like he doesn't consider he also has a role as a father and husband as well as a wage earner, and must at the very least give consideration to how he might share the burden of parenting during the working week.

He and OP both need to decide if they wants to stay married!

I meant engaged/marry.

I think you are being too hard on yourself OP. what you are doing is amazing, but I really really feel for you. I don't think children get any easier. (they do for a few years and then they become teenagers!) I think that maybe your DH is expecting too much, yes you knew the score from the start, but you were not to know that you would be bringing up the child to such a huge extent. I have no advice, just wanted you to know that you are not a terrible person. You are far from that.