Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

How the fuck can someone say a child does not "deserve" love?

Shouldn't I WANT to be the primary carer? That's what we women are led to believe, right? If you don't love and enjoy every moment of child rearing, what's wrong with you?? We've made a lot of progress ladies, but let's face it - the default still is that women are the primary child rearers.

I found this really interesting.

I don't know where you get your ideas from, OP, but no, women don't have to be the primary carer. Your having a vagina doesn't mean you make a great carer for your stepson, I don't really get why you think it qualifies you over and above his Dad.

I have plenty of friends who don't want to be the primary carers of children: and these people very sensibly, chose either not to have children, or had them with very flexible partners. They wouldn't chose to become step parents of very young bereaved child whose partner seems to have opted out of parenting just because 'the default still is that women are the primary child rearers'.

I didn't want children for years - that's why I didn't have them for years. There are of course people who find parenting thrust upon them when they don't want it - older brothers/sisters after a death, etc but this is not you. Don't pretend it is. For some reason, you chose this. Maybe you hoped love would grow. Well, it hasn't. You need to sort it out.

Ivd been pondering this and was thinking about how the op describes her complete lack of feeling for the child.
Now that is not her fault as one cannot help there feelings but it's definitely not right is it?
I feel much more than Indifferent about some friends chikdren or children I've worked with or come across.
Equally though, Ive met kids that I just can't take to.
This won't matter a jot to kids I've no connection to, however if I were an integral part of their lives it would be a different story!

It's very sad that OP isn't even just 'fond' of the boy. Ideally she would love him but not even to 'fond' of him is rather worrying. She needs to step away and let the father take over.

The op/boy isn't in a orphanage type situation, there can be no comparison. However, many people that go into working with children in care become fond of their clients with time. This fondness is invaluable in relationships.

Maybe some people aren't children people. I do some volunteer work with children and have become very fond of them. It just happened.

How is it that the OP is still not seeing the truth about the fiance? How can she defend him when he has basically abandoned any concern for the wellbeing on his child and used his fiancée as an unpaid skivvy?

Why on rather would the OP still want a relationship with an emotionally distant man who not only doesn't give his son the love and attention he deserves and needs, but neither does he give it to the op!

The impression I'm getting is of a distant, absent father figure who does his own thing and then joins in for a token family time every few days when he can bothered. Who wants a partner like that?

I find it incomprehensible.

And of course, that says nothing about this poor boy who is being forced to live this utterly loveless life. It's fucking tragic.

Same reason a shitty relationship with a crap man Is better than none for some women.

There's also nothing in the OPs posts about her fiancé doing anything for her. When do they have time to do nice things together? When does he put time aside to prioritise her?

Granted, there's a child who must always come first, but there is still the possibility of a babysitter now and then to go out and reconnect, like any other couple.

He sounds like the laziest man alive, just takes everyone for granted and does what he wants, doesn't he?

I can't help but think that the OP might have more positive feelings for her stepson if she wasn't the one with sole responsibility for him Monday- Friday. DCs can be irksome little creatures, and if they aren't your own and you're given the prime parenting slots of every single pick up and drop off during the week, well it's a recipe for trouble.

OP you can certainly hold your DF responsible for choosing to work the hours that mean he avoids doing any childcare during the week. I would have a talk with him and tell him he needs to change his hours, simple as that. His DS needs him.

I agree with others who are saying to take some time out for yourself. Go away for a weeks holiday somewhere, or at least for a weeken. Make your DF figure out his own childcare logistics for once.

I Have had a thought - but it's pure supposition. Maybe the father in this scenario can't bear to be around his son too much because he reminds him too much of his first wife, and he hasn't really got over her? It does happen.

Also - it's well known that some love is needed for life to work out - "Better is a dish of herbs where love is, than a fattened ox served with hatred."

So the OP doesn't care about the poor boy, she is civil to him and tolerates him but that's it. She doesn't have to love him but under the circumstances she describes I can't imagine her ever cuddling him, or even giving him a quick hug. She'd be happy if he disappeared tomorrow, she's said so. That is NOT treating him with kindness and patience, whatever she thinks she's doing. She's tolerating him with indifference, that's what she's doing - doing her duty by his physical needs and not much else.

I wonder if he would even miss her if she left.

That is a good point Thumb and maybe there is some element of truth in it.

There is no situation more likely to kill the chance of any bond forming between an adult and a child than that adult being forced to take on a parental role when they are neither ready or prepared to do so.

As with all people, relationships develop best when there is no pressure of expectation beyond decency and kindness. And when participants can progress the relationship on their own terms.

That's not happened here.

It is possible to feel affection and tenderness (if not unconditional love) for your step child, but not without great support for the new partner from the child's real parent; in this case the father.

It sounds like he's abdicated all responsibility and just drafted in rent-a-mum to do all the shitwork.

No wonder the OP feels resentful. She's been set up to fail.

He probably would miss her as someone you know doesn't really care is better than no one. A child wants to be loved and will take any scrap they can .

Sadly you're probably right, Just. :(

Op I know this is a very challenging thread for you and I hope you do the right thing

I agree with Chillyegg. Poor little boy. He deserves so much more than he has.

I agree that you should go. He is a part of his dad's life and always will be. You are the dispensable one, not him. If you don't feel anything for him now after 2 full years then you never will. Go!

I must just add, I'm pretty shocked at your description of him. Most 4 year olds I know are hilarious! Maybe if you actually took the time to see him/hear him you might enjoy his company more.
It is awful to read the total lack of compassion you have to this poor boy's situation. I can't begin to imagine how he must feel and what hurdles he will have to jump in life if someone, somewhere doesn't start putting him first and loving him properly.

As others have said, as a mum to two amazing children it terrifies me to imagine their dad choosing someone like you should I die.

Thumb, it's heart breaking. For the child I mean, not the OP though I accept she'll be upset should she do the right thing and talk honestly to her fiancé and then walk away. There are billions of people in the world. There is someone who is a better fit for her and someone who would be an amazing mother to this adorable child.

Some of these responses are very negative towards Fadetogrey. Just because she doesn't feel those loving feelings or fondness does not mean that she never gives the kid a hug or affection.
It sounds to me like she's come here to vent and for helpful advice and some people are "bashing" her for want of a better description.
I do everything a mother should for my 3 step kids including the hugs, affection and advice but I don't feel the love either. I give them what they need above my own needs and it's a crappy situation to be in.
Nobody normal enters a relationship knowing that they won't ever feel those feelings towards the step kids. I certainly expected those feelings to come in time but they never did.
Some Dads just don't understand that what they are expecting from a step mum isn't the same as expecting it from the mum.
Having a part in making a child normally gives you a very different perspective towards that child than not having any biological input.
Give her a break, she's doing her best.

But she isn't doing her best when she wishes him gone!

You can still do your best and also wish that a situation was different Justusemyname. I think you're being very judgmental about a situation you don't have all of the details for. She clearly came here for some help rather than people saying she is the one at fault and she's not doing her best.
People seem to be envisioning this cold hard woman and a wonderful beautiful, adorable child. HOW DO YOU KNOW? People are making a lot of assumptions here.
I would be lying if I said that my life wouldn't be happier if the step kids weren't here. I stepped into the role expecting to learn and that love would grow. I learnt a lot but Love didn't grow and thats not my fault, neither is it OP's fault in her situation. I work very hard at making sure that my 3 step kids never see this and am very loving towards them. How do you know that this is not also the case for the OP?

I do not see how walking away would make this boy's life better.

Is there some magical Mary Poppins figure waiting in the wings to hook up with the DF once she has gone and willingly take on all the childcare, housework and do it all with love in her heart?

No, I would imagine if the OP left, in the short term the granny would be redrafted in - yes the very one who apparently was unable to look after the DF's Ds and house to the exacting standards he required. In the longer term he'd need to either get in an au-pair, change his hours or meet a new partner. Or any combination of the above. Chances of him finding a loving new partner willing to take on all the grunt work in the short term are, I would suggest, somewhat slim.

It would be hard enough life if the OP was the actual DM - to work full time, do all week time childcare and household stuff with zero support. I'd have found that hard going when DS was 4 and of course I love him to bits as most DMs do. To expect someone who isn't related to the DC to take that on with not a single break must be hard enough to discharge adequately without feeling obligations of love as well. I thought it was interesting that the OP doesn't even get to take a day off without DSS there, initiated to save money - wonder who thought that one up was it the DF perchance?

If anyone needs to change their behavior then the most obvious person to start with is the DF. He needs to change his working hours so he can actually spend some time with his DS during the week and OP can regain a bit of time to herself and a more appropriate role in her relationship with the DSS. Who knows love may well blossom there if she has the opportunity to have more relaxed interaction with him, rather than lumbered into default primary carer role.

No mother figure is better than one who doesn't care.

I'm out. I know no one will agree and this is actually upsetting me far too much.

Good luck, little boy.

Look I can see why you're upset Justusemyname, the situation is far from being ideal for the boy.

However you could also say that no Father Figure is better than one who doesn't care.

The DF is the one who's abdicating his basic parental responsibilities here. You can't just do the hours that suit you best, have your own downtime and expect your poor fiancee to suck up all aspects of the weekly childcare and household responsibilities. Unless you count having found a fiance to do those things as meeting all the obligations of being a Father, which I sincerely hope nobody does.

I know it's incredibly sad that the boys DM has passed away, If the DM was still around would people still expect the OP to feel love, or would it be ok in that case because she didn't need to?

It seems to me that some posters expect far, far too little of the DF and far too much of the OP.