Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

Im not saying the op isnt being treated unfairly. My point is she is being treat really unfairly, yep she needs downtime and time for self. Nope she shouldn't be a free nanny and her fiancé needs to step up to the plate big time!!
However i find some of the things said about the child a bit upsetting. Yep kids are bloody hard work i just feel the kids dad isn't actively parenting and the other person has no interest. Fair enough he's not her child. Just seems sad for the child because he will pick up on it!
The person in the wrong is the fiance.

It is not an absence of interest it is an absence of maternal instinctive connection coupled with what sounds like exhaustion

Yes the child will pick up on it if things do not change but the op is making an excellent step by seeking help and advice. And pp are suggestion she is a wicked step mother for daring to express the feelings. Surely the child would be best served by having a more engaged father and happier step mother.

The instinctive response to gang up on the woman is so ingrained that it does create peculiar threads like this where there is real potential to improve things yet the desire to kick the woman is so strong pp are suggesting breaking up the only family this child, that everyone is so concerned about, has ever known.

Particularly holiday when she is not being given the opportunity to develop the relationship because her partner is dumping all the wife work on her.
When is there the time or inclination to do the nice things that create those lovely bonding memories.

I wonder who is doing the cleaning and laundry and food shopping on the weekends....

To be fair coffee a lot of people have posted supportive, practical messages to the OP and only a couple of posters have implied anything about her being a 'wicked stepmother'. In fact, the only 'villain' I can see here is the DP who is essentially using the OP as unpaid childcare. And anyone would resent that.

In fact I would be more worried about an OP who DIDN'T resent that as I'd think they had no boundaries and a 'use me' tattoo!

It's also possible to feel desperately sorry for the little boy btw. He is just an innocent bystander in all this. But for me the one who really needs to look in the mirror here is the DP.

X-posted - and yes coffee I think we can all guess the answer to your last questions

Oh wow.

I completely agree with others who say you're under totally unreasonable pressure. It doesn't sound as if your DP gets any time alone with his son and it's hard to see how you and DP get to spend any time alone, either.

The lack of connection you feel to the little boy sounds completely normal and will be familiar to some on this board. But it could probably be overcome or managed if you both had day jobs and DP did the bulk of parenting.

Being a stepmum is hard enough without any of the factors in your case. The massive responsibility you have taken on was no doubt done out of love but it's easy to see how that will be eclipsed by resentment (and loneliness and tiredness).

It's hard to see how it can work without some major changes.

Sorry this is all about 'stream of consciousness' but have been up since 4am so am not firing on all cylinders. Hope it makes a little sense!

It's a big step to be totally honest with yourself and strangers about your feelings. You are totally entitled to them. It doesn't make you a bad person because somehow, you don't have maternal instincts towards that child.

HOWEVER, how much sad it is, that child as much as you deserve better. Unfortunately, your partner deserves to marry someone who will take on his boy like her own. Her son deserves to have a mother figure who does love him. He deserves to be adopted.

Similarly, you clearly need a partner who is totally dedicated to you and either doesn't want children or will only have children with you so you can both share your love for the child. You do deserve this if this is what you want.

I can understand how devastating it would be to consider breaking up with someone you love deeply and who everything is great besides this issue, but this issue is there and won't go away no matter how much you wish it.

I agree with the consensus here re the "d"p. This isn't a sm who resents the child or is being vile about them or to them. She's just being very honest about how she feels about the situation as a whole. Absolutely nothing wrong with saying this set up is just not for me, I'm opting out. And nothing to feel guilty about.

Sorry swing her dp is entitled to no such thing. He doesn't get to go out and find some woman be his drudge and love his son. He needs to bloody parent his child so whoever his partner is can create a bond with his son. It's actually outrageous what this father is doing. I don't think there is a suitable doormat of a woman out there for him. Work full time and raise my child while I sleep!!

As for feeling sorry for the child does everyone feel for the children of stressed mums across mn to such a degree.

I think op needs to talk with dp about his commitment to being a father. Op can then spend quality time with dss to see if the absence of love was just tiredness.

I think this relationship is in trouble because dp is lazy and an uninvolved parent. The distance op feels from dss is a symptom of dp poor parenting. That needs to be tackled before saying op is unable to be in the relationship because she needs 100% focus on her needs.

That is clearly not the case or she would be there years later. I think that is belittling to time and emotion she has spent on this little boy. Op and dss deserve a more committed parent that dp currently is.

I don't think the OP is a wicked SM.
I don't think the DP is a bad father or partner.
He has a job that requires nights it is not always so easy to just walk out of one job and in to another. By agreeing to move in with him the OP has also agreed to take on the responsibility of being a parent that is obvious to me.

OP bringing up a child is a 24/7 job and because you do not love him it is harder for you and you resent it. I would say that is normal.

You need to make a decision on what you want and need out of your relationship because the one thing that will not change is the child being first. If you cannot fully commit then end the relationship and give all concerned the chance to be with someone that loves them, you included.

Being a parent is not easy. Being a step parent is damn well hard.

dp is lazy and an uninvolved parent

Why is he??

He works shifts so not lazy. The OP's complaint is that she is alone in the evenings with DSS which can't be that long as I imagine he has a bed time around 8pm. Even if her DP went to days the child would still be there in the evenings taking up DP's time so I still don't think the OP would be happy.

on the 2 weekends a month that I am off and actually get to spend time with my fiance, the boy is there demanding constant attention. I never get a break from the kid!! Tough. He is a full time parent he was before you moved in and he will remain to be for life. The child is 4 years old you would be an idiot if you thought children of that age do not want constant attention.

I do have sympathy for you OP but it is up to you to change your situation as his son is going nowhere for many years yet.

But flossy how long has he had this job?

I will ask again would a widowed mother get a pass if she took a night shift job that required her partner who doesn't seem to have pr to take sole charge of her child. People would rightly say in the absence of back up childcare this is risky. Particularly if she refused to discuss the childcare burden with her partner. I just cannot imagine a thread on mn where this would be deemed acceptable. Op hasn't adopted the boy at present she is just a live in partner who has agreed to help out and now she needs to revisit the division of domestic duties and childcare .

Dp job situation may well be limited. However he is the child's only living parent that is his primary job.

Also flossy all pick ups and drop offs are done by op. Why isn't he doing any of these? When does he parent his child? What happens if op does leave?

In your highlighted text it is clear op is occasionally working weekends too plus all this childcare during the week. She must be exhausted!

I think he is lazy and a poor partner because he refused to have the conversation by using the you knew what you were getting into line. In a regular family if a tired mother wrote that her dp refused to discuss childcare and domestic duties he would be called controlling, possibly sexist and lazy.

The refusal to discuss anything is the biggest red flag to me.

If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation".

Well seeing as your DP hadn't dated anyone until you came along fade then presumably the situation when you first met/moved in together was that either your DP worked different hours and parented his son himself, or paid/arranged for someone else to provide childcare. So how and why did that situation come to be replaced by the current set up?

OP I know it's hard to accept but your DP, however wonderful he might be in other areas, is being really unfair to you in the main areas of both your life and his son's life. Your DP is using you, only he knows whether it's deliberate or through ignorance but the effect on you is the same and he seems unwilling to address that despite knowing how unhappy and exhausted you are.

How does your DP show you by his actions that he loves you (forget about what he says, talk is cheap). Because from what you've described your relationship is all sounding very one-sided in his favour.

Depends on what time he goes to work I would think. Also if he had the job before she moved in then she must have understood how it would work and if he got the job after she moved......she must have understood how it would work.

I will ask again would a widowed mother get a pass if she took a night shift job that required her partner who doesn't seem to have pr to take sole charge of her child. For me yes she would get a pass, why would it be different? The DP has sole custody as it were and as his partner who has agreed to marry him knowing this information I do not think the DP is wrong to assume his soon to be wife will play mum to his child.

In your highlighted text it is clear op is occasionally working weekends too plus all this childcare during the week. She must be exhausted And?? Show me a mother who isn't!!

At the end of the day she has agreed to marry him and in doing so has agreed to be a mum so with that comes all the mum jobs. All of us mums who work full time do exactly as the OP does except we won't be told to "leave it to his father" "tell him he must change jobs" why.....because we are mums and that is what we do. For gods sake the OP is not doing anything special is she? She is just being a mother and she doesn't like it.

I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy

^This is the truth. It wouldn't matter if he changed his hours and did all of the child care the OP would still not be happy because she does not want this boy there full time and he always will be.

If you do not want to be a surrogate mother then don't marry his father. Simple.

but she isn't being allowed to even discuss the division of labour. She is not this child's mother. She is struggling and needs help and if I am correct your response is toughen up and don't talk back.

This is the 21st century and she is an adult she is entitled to have the conversation. I don't think what you describe as motherhood is the default there is no one correct family set up. And this one is clearly not working. Fwiw I don't know any households that run along these lines except where there is sahm.

But she said she wanted to be the child's step mother and I think that takes great self awareness to know the difference. She is hardly saying she doesn't care.

Sorry flossy I am taking to you but you type faster than I do

Also there are lots of threads from mums saying they are unhappy with their partners hours due to household impact and they are not told you are a mum suck it up. Why is op held to this standard

I think you should get out of this relationship because you are taking care of a vulnerable child who you do not feel any connection with.

Neither of you are going to be happier in this situation going into the future.

Your resentment at having to take care of him pretty much 24/7 will not get better for either you or him.

You mention you hope he will get more independent. That is just not going to happen. Children are for life, even after the age of 18. Mine has come back home to live at the age of 23 because there are just no decent rents about that they can afford!

Wishing you all the best, for all of you.