Having a very hard time!

[fadetogrey]

Hello, I'm brand new here, so thanks in advance for reading. I am engaged to a wonderful man who has a 4 year old son from his previous marriage. His first wife passed away unexpectedly when their son was about 6 months old. His father and I started dating when he (the boy) was about 2.5 years old. I am the first and only person he has dated since the death of his first wife, and it was almost 2 years after her death, so I really don't feel like he rushed into dating again or the timing was poor. We live together now, and since there is no living biological mom, we have his son full-time. All the time.
I feel like a terrible person, but I just don't feel anything for this child. People say things to me like "Oh you're lucky because there's no ex-wife in the picture" or "Oh you're lucky because he was so young when she died he won't even remember her" or "At least there's no baby mama drama!". I suppose all that is true. I also can't say I didn't know my fiance had a son whom he had sole custody of, he was very upfront about it from the first date. I just thought I'd feel differently than I do when it came to living together and actually "raising" him. My fiance works nights and I work days ( him going to days is not an option) so I am basically alone with his son 4-5 evenings and nights a week. It's kind of like being a single parent 4-5 days a week to child who is not yours. There is no other family around to help, his parents are 3 hours away, and the mother's parents are not involved in his life much by their own choice.
I'm trying so hard not to be a terrible stepmother. I am not mean to the child, I feed him, bathe him, all the things I'm supposed to. I just don't truly in my heart care about him. If he went away tomorrow forever, I wouldn't miss him. I have zero maternal instinct towards him whatsoever. He's not a terrible kid, a little too clingy and whiny and needy for my liking, but not poorly behaved. I just do not enjoy having him around all day every day and night. He wants constant attention and needs constant looking after. Every single thing we do has to be with him in mind. Can't go here or there, because he needs to have a nap during the day and if he doesn't get it he will be terrible. Can't do anything anymore that isn't child-friendly. He is with us ALL THE TIME. He goes to daycare while I'm at work, but it's still me taking him in the morning, picking him up in the evening, and taking care of him by myself.
My situation is ....different when the stepkid has no other biological parent living and therefore have nowhere to go every other weekend or in the summer, etc. Also, with his dad being on night shift (and unwilling and unable to change to days), I am basically alone with this child who isn't mine most nights.
If I complain or express my unhappiness it's the old "Well I told you about him when we first met and you knew the situation". Or the "he can't help it that his mom died".
I don't want to be a surrogate mother for this boy. I'm fine being a stepmother, but the "situation" kind of requires me to be more than that. I'm doing it, but it's very hard for me to not feel like a terrible person ever day because I don't love this boy as if he were my own.
Anyone else in a similar boat? Tell me as he gets older and less dependent I'll feel differently about him, please!

Agreed flossy she needs to talk to him.

But equally he must let her speak

I have said that all along. He deserves to know why things are floundering

But equally he must let her speak

If her saying she doesn't like his son doesn't make him sit up and listen then I don't know what will.

And that poor little boy is going to lose the only woman he has ever known as his "mum" unless his father steps up and does the majority of the parenting (y'know, being his parent an' all) instead of leaving so much to the OP and in effect telling her she has no right to feel that way.

I see it more that she doesn't love him. She must care or she wouldn't look after him the way she currently does. But care is her choice of words so I will leave it at that.

Better that than continuing without genuine warmth snoozy.

Should she really be a mother to him?

It's a very complicated relationship op has to form with this little boy. Not mum but then she does more than the average stepmother would do.

I feel for you op, it's very tricky when his mother has sadly passed away and everyone expects you to be the replacement. How on earth can that be created overnight.

This boy will remain dependent on his dad and you so you do need to have a serious chat about your feelings with your oh otherwise it will just keep leading to problems.

And that poor little boy is going to lose the only woman he has ever known as his "mum" unless his father steps up and does the majority of the parenting (y'know, being his parent an' all) instead of leaving so much to the OP and in effect telling her she has no right to feel that way.

What is wrong with 50 50 parenting? Nobody has the child during the day 5 days a week and because the DP works in the evenings OP has him......wouldn't that be the same for any 2 parent family? I would imagine the DP does parent him when he is not at work but then again this annoys the OP as she has no time with her fiance because well he parents his child. I am not saying for one second she should do the lions share but unlike most stepfamily set up this is more like a first family set up.

The OP want a part time step child. That is not going to happen so she needs to accept that he is their full time, commit to him or leave.

I agree arsenic

There is nothing wrong with 50/50 parenting if you are a parent. OP is not.

Yes but flossy in s two parent family if the set up didn't work the parents would discuss it hopefully. It's the absence of the conversation not the set up itself.

Op might feel differently about dss and her Tom if dp stepped up more. She may not we don't know. But my way or no way will end this relationship

But that is the role that is there. The OP cannot marry this man and not parent his child who has no mother is 4 years old and lives there. It is silly to assume otherwise. As I said what will life be like for this little boy if the only mother he has ever known is not a parent to him and is detached from him? Is that any kind of life for him?

Tom should say role

Hate this phone

The OP says that they can't do anything that isn't child-friendly. Why not? Don't "together" families do stuff where the kids just have to get on with life as a family, not just all about them? No wonder she's feeling neglected, there's no balance at all.

But why can she not have some input into the scope of her role flossy

There is no reason that this household is so rigidly fixed. It's like that because it suits dp. It doesn't suit op. If she marries him should she always defer to his preferences

She wants to be a lesser parent than she is

I have no idea how that would work in practise
It could work well or it might not. I assume op has given it some practical thought otherwise why propose it at all

I completely agree that he should discuss it and not just shut the OP down.

We have 4 children and zero family support and cannot always afford babysitters so what we did always had to be child friendly. That happens in a lot of families. Just because the OP isn't the mother why should she expect couple time. Why should it be important that she gets that when as I said a lot of couples don't but because she is a SM she deserves it/has a right to it. This is not a normal step family situation.

Well flossy there is one child and if it's completely unreasonable to get a babysitter once a fortnight or whatever then op is clearly a fool to suggest it. But if it is feasible is it not allowed because other families make do?

All I am getting at is if the compromises that op would like are workable why is she not entitled to have them. Why must she default to her dp. Must she default around childcare, what about holidays , tv to watch.

I am not being goady but if what she wants could work and she is a reasonable adult why can't her dp consider them

I have never said he shouldn't consider them and work with the OP but certain lines in her posts do suggest that she will only be happy if the child is there part time so the 2 weekends a month that I am off and actually get to spend time with my fiance, the boy is there demanding constant attention. I never get a break from the kid!! Which is just not possible.

No but I read it as a baby sitter once a month could transform the situation
But you see it differently

The point is you and I flossy are not married and do not have the same view point but we have reached some common ground

Ops dp doesn't even want to talk to her but wants to marry her and have her mother his child. It is really weird and unhealthy

More importantly you were willing to discuss all options like a normal person

Very true Who :-)

The doesn't care for the child and wouldn't miss him if he disappeared tomorrow does worry me though. However I am thinking hoping that is more just stress at the situation than and actual true feeling

I have only recently realised that you can be a warm and friendly and loving presence with your DSC without having to do anywhere near an equal split of practical child-related chores i.e you detach from the responsibilities of child rearing, not the actual child.

Before I met DH I rented a room in a house where the landlord's two DD's stayed with him on a week on/week off basis. I got really involved with them, went on days out (even on the family holiday!), babysat occasionally, cooked the odd family meal and loved being part of their family. I naively went into step-parenting with my now-DH assuming the family dynamic would be much the same except that DH and I were in a relationship. How wrong I was - I somehow ended up slipping into the stereotypical "female" role doing loads of stuff for my DSC but because things gradually became expected of me.

I became resentful at being taken for granted in the same way that natural parents are taken for granted by their children but without the glue of unconditional love. It was only when I "detached" and my role became closer to that of the one I'd had in my landlord's household that things are getting back on track. The thing that saved our relationship is that my DH listened to my concerns and acted on them. I still do practical stuff for my DSC but ultimately they are my DH's responsibility and I am free to choose how I help and when.

If the OP had genuine rights that came with all the hassle of acting as a mum then she'd be able to make decisions like "no we are not going to base our day around child-friendly activities, we are going to do stay in and get xyz done instead". But it appears she doesn't and therein lies much of the problem - her DP cherrypicks the aspects of parenting he wants her to do but gives her no say when she says she struggles with it.

I think it's stress. People who don't care don't seek help or ask advice.