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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

263 replies

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 08:17

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

OP posts:

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ThisFenceIsComfy · 09/03/2015 08:19

Yes that's not a normal set up. My DPs ex would laugh her arse off if I asked her to look after my DS as well.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 08:21

It won't just be one time will it?

Just say no. Not appropriate. They need to try explaining it to him.

LittleMissRayofHope · 09/03/2015 08:22

Never heard of this happening. I think most people would be highly put out by the request.

And it would never just be the once, if anything that's crueler then simply telling the child no every time. Let the poor kid have one wonderful fun weekend and then say never again? Confusing so they would ask again and again.
She is BU. Stand your ground

OllyBJolly · 09/03/2015 08:23

I know a very few people who do this and really admire their big hearts. The children are siblings and it would be lovely to think it could be all blended nicely.

Had my ex and his wife had children, I'm not sure I could have shown such a generous spirit. If I had any more children, I'm quite sure he would not have taken them for any more than an occasional sleepover.

It's a very big thing to ask, in my opinion. But, hey, tremendous recognition of your parenting skills for them to trust you with their child.

Littleturkish · 09/03/2015 08:23

Do you object to the idea of it? It might be nice for her to include her brother into her 'other' life and could help blend the two families.

However, if you don't like the idea, obviously you don't have to.

Titsalinabumsquash · 09/03/2015 08:23

Yeah, that's weird.

I can imagine my EXP's face if I casually asked him to take mine and DP's 2 yr old when I drop the older boys off, not awkward at all oh no! ...

CarlaVeloso · 09/03/2015 08:24

Why doesn't he understand? He's 6. Surely he knows he and his sister have different fathers?

SwearySwearyQuiteContrary · 09/03/2015 08:24

It's not usual, no. If you do it once, you can bet that there will be no way you will get DSD without having to have her sibling. If you don't want this to happen, don't set a precedent. Your DH will have to tell his XW that it is neither appropriate, nor possible.

MinceSpy · 09/03/2015 08:24

Actually I thinks it's quite a nice idea. Your dad, like you, is a part of an extended and blended family. Naturally her little brother feels left out and curious.
I certainly wouldn't offer it every visit but now and then seems fine.

Aridane · 09/03/2015 08:24

I think this is a lovely idea and a way of blending the familes. But as the above poster says, if you don't like the idea, obviously you don't have to...

ThingummyJigg · 09/03/2015 08:26

I think most 6 year olds would understand tbh, so unless he has SN I think she's basically after a bit of free childcare so she and her dh can have a weekend off.

TheHappinessTrap · 09/03/2015 08:26

I think from the point of the view of the children it would make sense, but all of the parents would have to be agreed that it was your house your rules while he was there. And everyone would have to approach it work generous hearts and not feel hard done b or it could unravel.

Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 08:28

My DH is onboard with the idea. He has two older half sisters and tells me that when they were younger his dad never treated them differently despite them not being his own children. Difference is that they all lived together. I'm really uncomfortable with the idea. I can't see it just being the 'once' either.
DH and his family send the little boy Christmas gifts so as not to feel left out.

OP posts:

expatinscotland · 09/03/2015 08:29

Sounds like she wants a weekend away.

Purplehonesty · 09/03/2015 08:40

I think if you get on with the ex- wife and her husband then that would be a nice thing to do.
Why not welcome the other sibling with your dsd and see how it goes. I bet he is really curious about you all and what she does when she is away.
I suppose it depends tho if dh wants quality time with dsd as you can bet it won't be just this once he visits too!

ThatBloodyWoman · 09/03/2015 08:43

I would do it.
Its all about the children being happy.

Maybe83 · 09/03/2015 08:44

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PlumpingIsQuiteUpForScrabble · 09/03/2015 08:49

It's unusual, certainly. My decision would depend on how amicable you all are. If they are at all likely to bitch about any aspect of your care (food, dispute management) then refuse now.

And yes it will so become a regular thing!

Nerf · 09/03/2015 08:49

Oooh I don't know. I have (ex) stepchildren, and children and one of my children is half sibling to the step children and half to my children. My children are really curious about her other brothers and sisters and we've always seen them together. It's really nice actually, my children don't see themselves as halves to my oldest and it's worked well.

AlternativeTentacles · 09/03/2015 08:51

My DH is onboard with the idea.

As long as he does all the work! If he is on board and then pisses off to the football whilst you are left holding the fort, not so good, eh?

JaWellNoFine · 09/03/2015 08:55

What does DSD want?

CarlaVeloso · 09/03/2015 08:58

She's using you for a nice quiet weekend to herself!

flanjabelle · 09/03/2015 08:59

It's nice in a way that his ex is comfortable enough to want both her children with you, rather than it being a tense situation where she isn't happy about even your dsd coming over.

However, the cinic in me would be thinking she just wants some free childcare... I think 6 is old enough to understand the situation and it should be nice one on one time with mum rather than all this drama.

Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 09:00

As long as he does all the work! If he is on board and then pisses off to the football whilst you are left holding the fort, not so good, eh?

I don't think this will happen. I'm sure the problem is me. I don't know how I can embrace the idea of looking after someone's child. Also, when DSD is visiting we try to do lots of fun things out and some of these can be a bit pricey and I know my DH wouldn't dream of asking his ex to contribute. His ex has offered to drive halfway on the return leg of the journey to cut down the driving time for DH but she's never offered this before.
DH and his ex are on good terms, I'm not really a fan tbh. I just wonder where we draw the line?

OP posts:

Scotchmincepie · 09/03/2015 09:02

That sounds lovely actually. I can see how that could work out through the years. You could even send yours to stay with them. If you think the ex wife is the type to have a free weekend off every other weekend then exercise caution. But if she's basically decent then why not? It'll make life a lot easier going forward at weddings etc...

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