AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

[Poppy84b]

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

It's odd given the circumstances (living hundreds of miles apart, the boy doesn't know either of you, etc) and has 'disaster' written all over it.

I'd be incredibly uncomfortable with this. Go ahead at your peril.

Well I suppose if it was only the once it would be a kind thing to do to include the other child for one visit. I don't think it's that unreasonable request. You could always ask that she returns the favour and has all your family for another weekend and does all the picking up too.

Why don't they drive down as a family for the weekend and stay nearby, then DSD can stay the whole long weekend with you and maybe DS can have a one night sleepover.

Would anyone really send their six year old off to stay with an adult for four days who was more or less a stranger to them and who lived 200 miles away?

I wouldn't agree to it simply because I think the mother's ultimate motivation is to have a child free weekend. More importantly, I can't see how you can say to this little boy that you will only take him away for the weekend once - how is he going to feel when he has a great time but is then told he can't go again. In some respects that would be far worse that never staying with you in the first place.

Sorry but I don't get this whole 'be kind and have him' thing. It is not up to the OP to facilitate the wants of this child in the slightest. It would be 'kind' of me to lend my car to my neighbor for 2 weeks as he had to travel to wales for work, I still said no to the cheeky bugger. There are innumerable examples of when it is best FOR YOU to say no. In this case, there is 1)no likely benefit to the DSD who has not requested this or feels that her sibling relationship is suffering by visiting her father without her brother 2) no benefit to the DH or OP, in fact an additional financial burden is likely 3) no probable improvement to the familial relationships in question as by the OPs admission the husband and ex wife get along fine and she keeps out of it which works for them 4) no reciprocal arrangement as there are no other children

So basically the ex wifes son is whining that the DD gets to go to the zoo and rather than take him to the zoo herself, she is hitting up the ex husband to do it for her with the 'deal sweetener' that she will drive halfway (big woop there) OP, just say no.

He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't.

Sorry that's a crock.
My DD has had a her big sister disappearing and having another life since she was a baby. Around 3 she knew and accepted the routine!

On the travel - if you booked far enough ahead, you might get first class seats for DSD for less than the petrol money. Would that sweeten the deal for her?

Oh and catsmother nailed it as usual.

This boy will be 200 miles from home in a house with adults he doesnt know well?
What happens if the child gets sick or distraught. You can pop back round the corner.

Agree, Glorious. If this was really about family bonding, surely it'd be suggested that the DH stayed local to the ex one weekend and they all went to the zoo together, or whatever.

My DD has had a her big sister disappearing and having another life since she was a baby. Around 3 she knew and accepted the routine!

Yup, and children who have their half siblings with them for weekends and holidays don't wonder for a minute what they're up to the rest of the time, because it's all they've known and they accept it.

All this "blending 2 families together" and all that garbage just makes me cringe to be honest

thank God it's not just me!

I think needaholidaynow it comes from being overly 'pc' about blended/step/bonus families

What's lovely about being asked to look after your partner's ex's child from another relationship? really?

DSD loves to see her sister and loves to wave her goodbye. No doubt if DD was to follow her to her other house she would be horrified!

She loves having a part time sister

needaholidaynow LOL! that's made me giggle. So true. Not a member of the PC Brigade here.

I'm also not massively keen on the idea because his mother is so much more lax that I would be. A 6year old that stays up til 11pm or later at weekends and plays Call of Duty. Nope. nope. nope.

Totally see where the yuck factor comes in, it is terribly Pollyanna..and I say that as someone who went on holidays with exh and his wife a few years ago! It was fine, good for DD and perfectly civilized. This situation is different as it is NOT for the good of the DD, but for the ex wife and to ensure she doesn't have to deal with a parenting challenge. Nice.

On the travel - if you booked far enough ahead, you might get first class seats for DSD for less than the petrol money. Would that sweeten the deal for her?

She point blank refuses too because she says she's scared. deepsigh

It's a ridiculous idea. Why in the name of Jesus would you want to "blend" the two families even more to include half siblings that you have no other connection with?

The idea has doubtless come from his ex; imagine being so desperate for some child free time that you'd pawn your 6 year old off on relative strangers

PMSL at the thought of blending two families ......... I'm guessing that would be carnage in most cases !!!

Ok, what about a room in a nearby travelodge sometimes for DH and DSD, again booked well in advance? At least then he could take the train or save on some of the petrol money?

You do not want to do this. You do not want another child to watch over, and what happens when dsd is 18 and out on her own and little brother is now part of dh's blended flippin' family and you are still the go-to babysitters when ex needs a break? Is dh going to make the boy family and then drop all visits when dsd hits adulthood and comes over on her own at times of her choosing? You do not want this so say no. Loudly and often.