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Step-parenting

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Original poster

AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

263 replies

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 08:17

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

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Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 09:02

What does DSD want?

she loves her brother so she'll probably want him to come. I don't think DH's ex has actually discussed with them yet.

OP posts:

YouAreMyRain · 09/03/2015 09:04

What is your objection? My DDs are desperate to take their baby brother, my DS, to their dads with them. I'm too embarrassed to ask though.

CaTsMaMmA · 09/03/2015 09:04

won't there be some sort of childminding legalities if neither of you are related to this child??

It's all lovely in theory, but the ex sounds like she wants to have regular weekends off at your expense....maybe suggest some sort of exchange programme with your children, if you have any, see how well that goes down.

YouAreMyRain · 09/03/2015 09:05

Childminding legalities?!! For basically a sleepover...right.

pregnantpause · 09/03/2015 09:07

I have half siblings. I remember well being so disappointed when they went off with their ( Disney. ) dad for weekend, coming home full of stories and giggles. I was jealous. It was explained to me that I had my dad 24/7 so couldn't resent their time spent with theirs. I think I'd have been five or six. Why hasn't your dh ex had this conversation with her dc? It's just an odd request of you - if you'd offered for an occasion, lovely! I went to a wedding on my siblings side once and it was great ( though I felt like a lemon not knowing anyone) But to ask? Strange, and overly expectant IMO

Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 09:09

You could even send yours to stay with them

we don't currently have children of our own but I know I would never send them to stay with his ex, one because I think it's weird, and two because I don't like her parenting skills (long story). I think she takes the piss out of my DH when it comes to asking for money and remembering that her DD has a father (never remembers Father's day or any of his family birthdays etc)

OP posts:

rosepetalsoup · 09/03/2015 09:37

I lived with stepsiblings and once went with them on one of their contact weekends, to stay with their dad and the woman he'd left my SM for! It was ok though not majorly fun. Kind of like being on a school trip. I also hadn't asked to go, but I think my parents thought it might be 'good for me' give them some extra time off

All in all it was not a worthwhile thing to do. And yes their dad's husband did seem annoyed. I remember her walking around the house in her bra and feeling embarassed/grossed out.

Sorry not v helpful!

rosepetalsoup · 09/03/2015 09:38

dad's husband!! I meant dad's WIFE. It wasn't that weird a situation.

Wdigin2this · 09/03/2015 09:39

You are obviously not comfortable with this idea, so say no! I would not have liked it either, and I agree with other posters...she's after a child free weekend, and she'll be sure to ask again!!

rosepetalsoup · 09/03/2015 09:41

Btw in your shoes I would also say no. Or I'd say something like all of us (i.e. the whole wider family group) can go to London Zoo together, or that the mum and new kid can come for tea while dropping the DSC off. Something like that.

CalamityKate1 · 09/03/2015 09:43

What does the DSD think? She might not want him along. She might not want to share you and DH.
It won't be just once. If he has a nice time he'll want to come again and then if he's told he can't, he'll worry he did something wrong/wasn't liked :(

countessmarkyabitch · 09/03/2015 09:47

"I'm not sure I can embrace the idea of looking after someone elses child"

You already do though, your DSD is someone elses child.
I think its a nice idea, and have known families where this kind of thing happened. In my experience they were the happiest of blended families, with everyone getting on well enough to do it.

Although if you can't welcome him on good terms, you should say no, as it won't work.

wannaBe · 09/03/2015 09:52

IMO it's the asking not the principle that is the issue here.

I remember at my MIL's 50th one of her guests had left her dd with her xh for the weekend. They had an older child together but actually her younger dd had become great friends with his dd from new relationship and as such he had her over to stay... At the time I remember thinking that it was odd, but actually why should it be? Why should the fact that they're ex's mean that children can't have relationships of their own with each other and if that involves staying over at each other's houses then so be it?

This child is your dsd's brother. I would imagine that in the case of families where there are children from more than one relationship it must be incredibly difficult to watch some of the children go off for weekends and only be half a part of their sibling's lives iyswim, so if they could combine that in some way then I don't think that it's an issue actually.

The asking is a bit much I agree, but actually, if the dsd had asked then I wouldn't tell her it was inappropriate because actually, it isn't really.

MythicalKings · 09/03/2015 09:54

I'd say no. The ex may want it to be the first of many.

Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 09:54

The weekend she is proposing is the Easter weekend so an even longer one that usual. DSD will probably want her brother to come sometimes. She's 13 and he is 6.
DH just can't get why I think it's weird.

OP posts:

Kvetch15 · 09/03/2015 09:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Teeb · 09/03/2015 09:59

I think it's very convenient they want a free Easter weekend.

Teeb · 09/03/2015 10:00

Don't they think it might be a bit much for a 6 year old boy to spend 5 days away from home with relative strangers to him?

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2015 10:01

I think it would be different if it were an older child that your husband had lived with previously, but this just sounds as though she wants a weekend off.

Can't your stepdaughter travel on the train? It sounds like a hell of a lot of travelling for your husband and she is 13 now.

funnyface31 · 09/03/2015 10:03

I would like to say Yes in that situation, but we are not just talking 5 minutes away if the boy gets upset.

It's 200 miles to that alone would be the decider for me.

Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 10:05

These are all points I've raised. DH keeps telling me that I need to stop viewing him as someone else's child and view his as his DD's brother.
Add to the fact that he's a bedwetter but he wears nighttime pullups, 'so there won't be any stains on the mattress'.

I've met the child once. DH and I can't see to reach an agreement. I'm in two minds to go and visit my sister for the bank holiday instead and leave him to it.

OP posts:

Original poster

Poppy84b · 09/03/2015 10:06

Can't your stepdaughter travel on the train? It sounds like a hell of a lot of travelling for your husband and she is 13 now.

She point blank refuses to. don't even get me started on how bloody ridiculous the driving situation is.

OP posts:

Wdigin2this · 09/03/2015 10:06

The idea of 'just one blended family' is nice, the reality is different! Your DSD does in fact have two separate families, with different lives/rules/habits, and no amount of inclusion of her brother can realistically change that! You sound as if you know you're going to resent this plan, so it probably wouldn't work anyway!

EhricLovesTheBhrothers · 09/03/2015 10:11

I don't think it's odd actually.
As parents we look after other people's children all the time, it's called having a sleepover. Why can't you have dsd's brother for a sleepover once?
Of course you don't have to, but it's not a crazy idea.

ImperialBlether · 09/03/2015 10:17

Maybe because he lives 200 miles away, Ehric, so if he comes he'd have to come for the whole weekend.

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