AIBU? DH's ex wants us to looks after her child too

[Poppy84b]

Hi, Am new to Mumnet and this is my first post.

DSD lives some 200 miles away from us so DH makes an 800 mile round trip once a month for a long weekend so she can spend time with us and his extended family.

Recently his ex has asked if we will have her little boy (with her new husband) too. He doesn't understand at the age of 6 why his sister gets to go away for weekends and has lots of cousins and he doesn't. She says it will only be the one time and he gets really upset when his sister leaves to be with us.
AIBU in thinking that this is a really weird set up?

It's all very well saying "make sure it's a one-off," but if the boy enjoys the weekend he's bound to ask to come again. Isn't it going to be much harder (and quite hurtful to him) to say no?

I think that if she came clean about wanting a weekend away is be more willing to consider it. Being forced into it by a story you don't believe would annoy me. And I'd be inclined to say you're considering it, not for that weekend but another one, and a shorter one.
I know some famlies where this wouldn't be an issue and most where it would, especially as your dh hasn't lived with this boy ever.
If he'd lived with him it would be more understandable

It would seem though that your opinion isn't important, and that isn't on. I'd go away for the weekend if it has to happen

The age gap - 13 year old DSD and 6 year old DSD'sDB is 7 years.
My sis is 7 years younger than me and I had no interest in her really (until we both had DCs as adults -now we are v close).

It will be interesting to see if DSD is really close to her DB, or not. Whether she hangs out with him over the weekend and 'looks after him' or not.

Incidentally, the Easter weekend is the only full weekend DH has off in April and May so it was always going to be the Easter weekend for visiting. (He's a shift worker and then we have a couple of weddings in May to attend). Seems that DSD has already told her little brother about the plans for the Easter saturday and DH doesn't want to cancel it. He is however, cutting it short and dropping them back on Sunday early afternoon instead of monday.
We've had a number of discussions relating to this issue since I posted this thread and we've also aired out some other issues relating to his DD and his ex.
We've now made arrangements to drive up coming Saturday just for the day to take the kids for lunch and then sit down with his ex, her husband, DH and me to discuss future arrangements. I'm very happy with this plan.
On a seperate note, I need to face up to some of my own behaviour.
DSD always got on well when she was really little. I was always good with little girl activities but as she's got older ive really struggled to build upon our relationship. When she was very young we saw her every other weekend but from ages 7-10 it was only once or twice a year (yes year) because they moved abroad and we could not afford the back and forth flying. I disapprove of some of things her mother allows her to do/have (highlights and acrylic nails from the age of 11 as an example). She threw a massive strop at our wedding and my MIL left the reception early to take her home.
DH says that when she visits, I withdraw and don't behave like my normal (fun) self. I know he is right and I'm not sure how to Fix my attitude.

Ah, OP, glad you have talked things through.

It's hard to keep up a relationship when you see each other so little. Could you catch up with her on skype or FaceTime or whatever so it's not just your DP's relationship?

I could try but it would be a bit odd as we've never done that before. When she visitis she won't come downstairs in the morning until she can hear her dad get up. I've tried joining in, giving them space but nothing ever seems to be the right thing.

My mum does this, when she has the dgc from my late sister and her husband she will take their step sibling too. To give my BIL and his girlfriend a weekend with no children. And she is kind to them all.

I used to get on very well with my DSD who I first met when she was 9, she'd snuggle up against me to watch DVDs together and would want to hold my hand when we went out. Then last year aged 12 she turned quite suddenly against not just me but also her dad and her mum's DP. Of course I wouldn't expect snuggles/handholding from a now 13yo but I didn't foresee it being replaced by actual hostility for no good reason other than I existed.

Things are better between her and her dad now but I've only coped with the situation by detaching from it. I found a book often recommended in the Teens section really helpful, it's called "Get out of my life but first take me and Alex into town" and although not aimed at stepparents it contains some very useful insights. In a nutshell you just have to let them get on with it until they come through the other side.

I hope the situation improves for you.

Most DC (especially girls) go through the stroppy age when approaching puberty, there is no apparent rhyme or reason, but (in my experience as a mother) parents become the enemy!! This must be 100 times more difficult for you SM's with young SC, because basically, whatever you try you can't win! My advice, detach, detach, detach...until DC show signs of wanting your input again!

This has got disaster written all over it. His ex is just after childcare. I'm sure the little boy would rather be at home eating his eggs from the Easter Bunny.

What catsmother said.

Also, it's really not hard to explain about different parents. My DC have different dads and even the 2yr old understands that he doesn't get to join in on phone calls with the elder one's dad.

Just taking the piss. Although, if it results in 50-50 driving from now on, that would be quite a result and probably worth it. (Cynic in me says it won't happen though.)

Well this was a really fun weekend DSD was glued to her phone all weekend and basically ignored me when I tried to suggest some films to watch. Her little brother to be fair, was very good but I still felt massively uncomfortable and uneasy having him around. DH is exhausted from driving, waking up early, making dinners, clearing up... (think he's forgotten how much hard work small children can be haha).
He did keep reiterating to his family that this was a one-off event, so I'm really hoping it stays that way.